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Another question. My husband told me this morning that he promises not to drink while I'm away at work today.
I let slip "Don't do that." before I could stop myself. He asked me why I said that but I changed the subject.
How should I respond to his promises? He makes promises to make me "feel better" when we've fought about something. I don't want him to make promises to me, for alot of reasons.
At this point I don't think he will keep the promise, so it will make me even madder when he breaks it.
He is only making the promise for "my benefit" so he will resent me about what he "can't do". Eventually we will have a fight and it will be my fault. I'm controlling him.
His promises just come back to bite me later.
I didn't ask for him to make a promise to me and I don't know how to tell him that I don't want to hear promises. If I tell him my reasons for not wanting promises it will only hurt him and make him feel worse.
Those kind of promises always seem to result in resentments don't they?
I would have said.."make the promise to yourself, not me" Or simply "that's your choice!"
They can't quit drinking for someone else. Only for themselves. There is a huge difference in promising not to drink "today"... if he is taking his sobriety seriously and one day at a time. It's a whole different thing if he is saying it to appease you, then uses it against you and ends up accusing you of controlling him.
Put the promise back on his plate and leave it with him, and up to him.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree it is part of the manipulation. He promises & breaks it - naturally u would get mad at him - as most people can be held accountable for their actions but not A's. You get all mad at him, this is a distraction from him facing his disease himself, then he can blame you b/c ur mad & use it as an excuse to drink more.
That way u get sucked back in & are feeding the insatiable hole that takes our energy & emotions.
It is clever of you to say "dont promise" b/c it's B/S.
Glad u found us, hope u give our program a try.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for your responses! Right now I'm trying to get alot of thinks straight in my head. Sounds like that is pretty normal!
I went to a meeting this afternoon and it was good to be able to be around other people who have the same concerns. Unfortunately the meeting was step 12 of a step meeting. Since I'm new to this I don't know how much it spoke to me, but I tried to absorb what I could. I will have to try again and go to another one.
I'm having alot of turmoil right now and trying to learn how to deal with it, because I don't think my gut reactions are the right reactions in this situation. I'm glad I found this forum and such thoughtful responses to my questions. I will probably post more later.
The ex A I was with made all kinds of promises. He kept none of them. I listened and swallowed all of them whole then eventually I got to your point, jaded and that was a transition time. I'm glad you are here.
One thing I feel is important to me that I have learned is to not have any expectations of an alcoholic. Even if they promise you. Don't expect it to happen. When you do have expectations and he doesn't follow through with the promise who is angry, mad or upset in the end? Us and not them! Alcoholics act and we react. I know I usually didn't react in a positive way before coming here, but I am learning! so when I have expectations I am just setting MYSELF up for disappointment.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
