The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My non alcholic daughter from Houston and her family are coming up for the 4th of July hoiday. The problem is whether to invite the adaughter for the week end. My brain says "no", but my heart says otherwise.
Part of the problem is my two daughters are "crossways" with each other and i cannot fix it and I will not come in the middle. The daughter from Houston has a completely normal, peacful life. No drama. Good marriage, good job, wonderful children(my grandchildren or course) and I love for them to come down.
If i do not invite the other daughter, she will be hurt and make my life miserable. If she comes, she will make us all miserable.
It is to the point that I dread the holidays of any kind where I have to make a decision as who to invite. I hate it that my two daughters are not speaking, but I cannot fix it. I can see both sides of the issue. The Adaughrer has caused a rift between the two, but I feel the other daughter should be more forgiving. I just don't know what to do.
The Adaughrer is kind of playing the "oh, look at me; I lost my husband; My health is taken a turn for the worse(and it really has)", but she is playing this trump card to the limit.
Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated. I would like to know how anyone else has handled the holiday situations. Thanks so much in advance.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I can't offer advice, unfortunately Clara - the 4th is my daughter's 10th birthday and she won't see her dad because he isn't welcome in my mother's home, where we live - whether he's sober for the day or not. She's going to want to visit though , so I'll probably end up taking my kids off somewhere to see him after my extended family has left. Fortunately, we start early for a 9:00 AM parade, so they're usually all gone before 3:00 pm.
Hope you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy the time you get to spend with your grandkids!
I don't do holidays. I swear they are more trouble than whatever they are suppose to represent!
My thought if it were me was maybe call A daughter, hey A, your sis and family are coming July fourth. So since you two bump heads, could you come over blah blah so we can have some one on one time?
I would not even give it a thought you would ever put those two together. Why would you?
It is more like well you know honey you guys don't get along but I really want time with you too, so lets make a plan. And make one.
Maybe go for a walk somewhere together, take a picnic. Plan something and make it so you talk about the surroundings or go thrift shopping or?
Hope this helped. Really some A's don't want to be around people they cannot feel comfy around.
hugs clara,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Wednesday 24th of June 2009 11:13:51 PM
Maybe you can share what you shared with us with your daughter from Houston. Perhaps ask her to take the high road so your family can be together this holiday?
Deb, great suggestion. Don't know why I did not think of that myself. I guess my mind is so "muddled".
I hate confrontations and do anything to avoid it. I will take my A Daughter shopping. I know she cannot afford to shop, so I will take her to lunch and treat her to a new purse or shoes.
Thanks for the reply and good night. I am going to bed. It is late!!!
Love you all
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
My 31 year old AD is no longer invited to family functions. We have the right to say no and enjoy ourselves. She can be mad all she wants because that is her perogative.
She no longer disrupts the family outings, especially in public, which is a huge relief.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
This is why I love this board and this program. We can put our muddled thoughts out there and get wonderful suggestions from others who are detached from our situation. Truly awesome!
Let us know how it goes - btw - I like the shopping idea - never under estimate the power of retail therapy!
If it were me, I would have the sober daughter over if you want...IF she gives you joy??? why not???
as to the A daughter??? those are her problems....her feelings if she gets mad....i could gently yet firmly say IF she even finds out, "i am sorry for your feelings, but i have the right to a good time w/my other daughter....i hope you are ok, however, i have 2 children and i am going to see my other daughter and grand kids"
oh yea, she will try and play the gullt trip...its up to you whether or not you buy into it....you can just ignore it, let it pass or suck it in and be miserable
what sense does it make to cut off the other kid who is leading a nice life?????
your punishing you and her....it does not make sense....you have the right to see your other kid
FIRST, i would ask me what do I want??? what do I want for the holidays??? sounds to me like you want to see the other one but are afraid of slighting "miss A" and afraid of her anger.....that is all her feelings...her issues......NOT YOUR problem....
ENJOY the visit if that is what YOU want to do........Take care of CLARA.....
me??? holidays are just another day to me.......i just take care of me....take me out for dinner or something....no big deal.........
