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I always read about detachment as a way to survive living with an alcoholic. I'm not sure how you detach and still love and stay emotionally involved and communicate and share time together. The word "detach" seems to say you don't do any of that OR you are spending time together but just not in the present. How do you maintain a relationship, support the person (because alcoholism is a disease) and stay detached? I just don't get how you do it. Can someone give me some ideas of how you stay actively involved with your husband and detach? Thank you very much.
Al-Anons deffinition of detachment - this comes from our Detachment pamphlet that literally changed my life .
Alcoholism is a family disease , Living the the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear with out help . In Al-Anon we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights , lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. IN AL-ANON WE LEARN
*NOT TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF THE ACTIONS OR REACTIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE *NOT TO ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE USED OR ABUSED BY OTHERS IN THE INTEREST OF ANOTHERS RECOVERY. NOT TO DO FOR OTHERE WHAT THEY COULD DO FOR THEMSELVES. *NOT TO MAIPULATE SITUATIONS SO OTHERS WILL EAT, GO TO BED , GET UP , PAY BILLS, NOT DRINK. *NOT TO COVER UP FOR ANYONE"S MISTAKES OR MISDEEDS *NOT TO CREATE A CRISIS *NOT TO PREVENT A CRISIS IF IT IS IN THE NATURAL COURSE OF EVENTS
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind , it does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching . It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives . Detachment helps families look at thier situations realistically and objectively , thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
I learned here I don't have to show up for every fight I learned its usless to try and reason with a drunk I learned that the statement YOU could be right ends an arument really quickly I learned that the statement I am sorry u feel that way also ends a argument . and walk away . I learned I hve no control over other people the only person I have a hope of changing is ME. Please find f2f meetings for yourself u need support with skin on it .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 24th of June 2009 08:54:52 PM
abbyal posted the pamphlet & it has helped me to change too -- for me I got my first sense of detachment when I began to set boundaries & allow my needs to be a priority - b4 that I would allow others to emotionally abuse me for example... once i set boundaries, I had a choice, I could remove myself & stand up for myself. It helped me get myself in clearer focus too.
I can think of an analogy for detachment - it is loving yourself. B4 al-anon I didnt love me & I never did and I didnt know how to begin to. I thought if I scarificed myself for you, that proved my love. Come to learn, I was wasting this beautiful life that god gave me by focusing on everyone else & living for them. It didnt work. So when I heard - make u a priority I got scared & didnt want to become like my A's & be slefish. But I did try to love me & it grew & I found that it only opened me up to have even more love for others & yet i was filled up too and b/c i was loving me first, I had respect & value for self -so - I understood & had more respect & value for others.
Detachment is like that -- it helps u gain insight & respect for yourself & for others. If my partner said they needed space today, I would understand - pre-al-anon, I would have thought 'why dont u want to be with me?'
I know detachment sounds like an oxymoron but as u experience it you will see. I stopped going on the chaotic emotional trips with them but I am still compassionate & able to love them even more. It will all come as u begin with focusing on you, loving you, setting boundaries & maybe one day you will be sitting there & like me, I sorta had an epiphany & the first time I felt a lil detachment - I thought, 'oh wow, I feel free this is detachment' hehe and it felt SO good... I wanted more - so I got busy with MYOB minding my own business, working my program & being grateful for every possible thing I could think of & with that - my life changed radically.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I just wanted to share that I felt the same as you when I first heard of detachment and MANY others do as well. It's not something I was able to get over night. It took time and still sometimes I need to reread on detachment. But it REALLY helps YOU!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I am still learning myself just exactly what it means as well. I have only been on this board for about 2 days, so new here. I just wanted to say though that for me detachment, means I will go and live my life for my kids and myself. I know this is probably not right but, for now this does not include my husband. I feel as though I have given him enough of me, whether he realizes it or not. I, for the past 15 years, slowly lost myself, even my family was telling me so. But now, esp. since I have gained some valuable insight from this wonderful place (here) as well as through God, I am finding who I am again. Here's some examples of how I think detachment as been in my life:
AH brought up us buying a new house ( been brought up soooo many times) and always is talked about when he's drinking, not sober. In the past, I would jump on his bandwagon and get so excited that he was actually talking to me about it. Now, I just say- when ur serious about this idea then let me know, otherwise please don't bring up a house until then.
Tonight I cooked dinner for my kids and myself (there was plenty for him as well). Me and the kids sat at the table and ate and this time I didn't ask him to join us, in the past I would have, even though I knew he wouldn't because he has his dinner already-beer.
I rented a movie tonight for me and the kids to watch, didn't ask him to join in on that either. Instead he went to the bedroom with a couple of beers under his arm and watched tv and drank by his self.
For me I really came to believe my AH had a horrible disease. I learned all about that disease.
Then I remembered the man I love sooo much since I was seventeen. So I separated them. I detached from the "other guy" we called him. And love my A. Sometimes that meant, leaving the disease meant leaving my A. Made me soooo mad at the disease.
I could sit and be with my ah when he was using, talk some, kiss,watch movies, then the disease would pop out and I might sigh and say goodnight hon. Off to bed I went. The disease KNEW I hated it, not my a.
Well that is the way I do it. Just like now thru it all. I LOVE my AH. hate the disease. I hate the disease for taking my HUSBAND away from me. He hates it too.
Well to explain it I think when someone has the disease of alcoholism it can take an immense toll on the family. The family can become identified with the alcoholic. Detachment permits them to have a life separate from the alcoholic with the alcoholic. So detachment supports boundaries which we all need. I think it also supports anxiety resolution and the ability to know what is and what isn't your responsibility. I don't actually believe the alcoholic needs any more support than anyone else in the family. They have to take responsibility for their disease not everyone else around them!
