The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have found myself being asked again and again of late, "Where do I begin?" And I have noticed that there are quite a few newbies here, so I thought I would share my "Where do I start?" story.
I am not here to advise I am here only to share my experience and tell you what worked for me and what I found out on my journey to wholeness. Not there yet, however I am travelling in the right direction, with the help of Al-anon, my Sponsor and this wonderful family.
NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES. I can only make changes in me, just as you can only make changes in you. Here is my basic responsibility to "...change the things I can... and the courage to accept the things I cannot."
As a people pleaser one totally lives for the other person and ignores their own needs. For whatever reason, and however it happened I was a people pleaser. [note past tense that is the first change]. By being this I denied my own life, apologised for my very existance and denied I had needs of my own to be met.
Now the healthier option, I realise I have a life of my own, I do not apologise for my very existance and I do not deny I have needs of my own to be met. So if any of you recognise yourself in these words then note also, boy oh boy, many in this family will be alongside you and recognise themselves in these words.
In the end, rebellion bubbled up and I had to acknowledge these needs and put a stop to my denial and this inevitably rocked the boat - and WHY NOT, it should after all I just stood up in the boat and declared I was alive and present in that boat not just a passenger to be ignorned and denied.
When enough is enough; when one gets to that point one will fight for ones needs and begins to acknowledge one has value. Indeed one begins the initial change by acknowledging oneself for it was at this point that I realised that if I gave myself no value, how could I expect others to value me.
Believe me, this did not happen over night for me. My experience was a slow and steady chipping away at the old self in order to reveal this glorious new self that had value and was worth consideration and it all started by ME giving value to MYSELF.
SOMETHING HAD CHANGED - ME So I gave myself self worth and that meant that I had to begin to protect that by setting boundaries. And, by setting boundaries I fortified my self worth.
FACT: A's become very self centred and are manipulative. They lead us to believe we are going mad. We turn ourselves inside out trying to be what they want us to be and when we become that thing they move the goal posts and want us to turn ourselves back into what we were before. Believe me, if ever I got to that point of being what the A wanted the very next day he wanted me to become something completely different. Hmmm, no wonder I thought I was going mad.
So this was my first CHOICE. I had to set a boundary, and decide that I was NOT here to be a changeling for him. I was ME. Yep I will say that again as it stands today - I AM ME, [change number 2]. I chose to be ME and that did not happen over night either.
The first boundary I set was to tell myself that the only change that was going to happen was the change that I made. IT STARTED WITH ME. Not him, ME. No expectations. I worked on ME and ME alone. This was now my battle for my survival and I had to take mayself out of the same old same old.
My second CHOICE was to stop being a door mat and I removed myself from his fist. I found the courage to make the changes in ME, for ME and unforunately my husband was not prepared to come with me; he wanted the submissive, subservient, repressed, apologising for the air that I breathed scared rabbit that froze in the headlamps of his anger.
My third CHOICE was that I stopped being his excuse. He drank because he darnk, not because I made him. He was angry because he was angry not because I would not do as he said. I started to reinforce my self worth and he did not like it, however this thought set me thinking ~
"...we only pass this way but once..."
So what was I going to do for the rest of my life? Live in fear and intimidation, too scared to speak or give myself permission to breathe or change something in me and acknowledge that I had but one life and I WAS WORTH IT. Hmmmm I will say that again as it stands today - I AM WORTH IT.
And my fourth CHOICE was that I stopped existing as someones' scapegoat or whipping boy.
You see the third change I made was to recognise that I had CHOICES and my choices carried consequences just like the A's CHOICES do.
No matter what he chooses to do, I can choose to change my situation my simply acknowledging that I have basic human rights, basic human needs and a life to live too and I only give him power over me if I choose to let him.
So, back to the beginning.
NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES. And the only changes I can make are in ME.
It starts with me is such a powerful beginning. However hard it is it has to start with me for my own healths sake. Even the smallest change makes a difference. Setting a boundary, keeping to it, and giving oneself value. That in itself gives one such a confidence boost and lift ones spirits to face another day.
One day at a time.
NOPE, one moment at a time. That was a change I had to make too, for one day at a time was toooooooooooooooooo long. Moment by moment, step by step I have fought, screamed, pulled, dragged, stumbled along this recovery road and here I am, still going.
I hope that this has helped in some small way with your battle for SELF and SELF WORTH.
Start today by acknowledging YOU. CHANGE one thing in you that will help you LIVE and not simply EXIST.
If I can do it, you can. And by the grace of God or your Higher Power as you understand him, this family will pull with you and care and share and encourage.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Change is very important. Even the smallest of changes. I am reminded of the fact that after over 2,000 failures Thomas Edison made a change in the light bulb, one little small change that altered everyones life as they knew it at the time.
Yes, change is very important and it starts with the person you look at in the mirror.
this is a really good share, suzannah. i've just begun to make changes (it wasn't my getting fed up that got me here - it was AH dropping a bomb on our relationship) and if it helps anyone, here are the first few things i've done to being focusing and "working on" me:
1) i set a boundary: AH does not sleep in the bed with me. if he's withdrawing into a darker and more alcohol-soaked existence and doesn't want to be a responsible husband, then he sleeps in the spare room, not my marriage bed.
2) i don't text him, instant message or call him to find out his plans or where he's been. i'm not going to force him to be responsible and accountable for his actions. if he doesn't want to be accountable to anyone, then i'm not going to be the one he lashes out at when i ask him "it's 3am, are you coming home?"
3) i don't call him to say "hi" during the day (totally painful!! we would talk 4-5 times each day every day). i'm not going out of my way to give him love. i love him dearly, but i will conserve my loving actions for what he has earned.
4) i don't talk about him ad nauseum to whoever will listen. everyone know's he's an alcoholic who treats me like sh*t, everyone knows that the stunts he pulls make me suffer endlessly. i don't need to play victim and elicit sympathy for his bs.
5) i wake up to my favorite songs on my ipod/ihome alarm clock again. (very simple change, but something he hated)
Very good post Suzannah. It got me to thinking. Nothing changes until something changes. I have been seperated from my alcoholic since February. About a month ago I gave him notice that I was filing for divorce. He roped me back in, I wrote a post about it, and find, as another post said: "if you keep doing the same things you've always done, you'll keep getting the same things you've always got" .
He has not changed. He repeatedly still makes comments about my seeing other guys (which I am not), the latest of which is a rumor (one he made up or someone else, don't know which) that I was seen in a couple of different places by a couple of different people, with another guy. This is crazy making. He also makes statements regarding my weight. I'm 5'10" and weigh 200 lbs. He saw this severely obese woman the other night at a rodeo we were attending and said, "If you don't start taking care of yourself your going to end up looking like her." Just what I needed to hear! NOT!
You said, "Now the healthier option, I realise I have a life of my own, I do not apologise for my very existance and I do not deny I have needs of my own to be met."I now realise I have a life of my own. I will not apologize for my choices or my actions. I have done nothing wrong to be ashamed of. He will not guilt me into apologizing for something that I did not do.
I don't know what this means for our relationship, but I know that it has damaged it immensely. I am back at square one thinking, "It's just not worth my sanity" to put up with this marriage.
Thanks again for sharing your experience, strength and hope, Suzannah. It helped an ol'timer like me as well as newcomers alike.
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Tuesday 23rd of June 2009 08:22:41 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES. I can only make changes in me, just as you can only make changes in you. Here is my basic responsibility to "...change the things I can... and the courage to accept the things I cannot."
### VERY nice share...just FULL of great recovery evidence...You have worked hard..it shows...I am glad that now you are enjoying the "good fruit" you are making......R
Phenomenal post. I work on my program as if my life depended on it because it still does. I'm 2 1/2 years out of a relationship and every day I work not to resent him, not to hate him and to minimize the impact he had on me. That is a tall order. I think its so impressive you can describe the choices.
