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Ever since my husband got a DUI with our son in the vehicle in February, I've been the one driving my son around. My husband isn't allowed (by law) to drive the SUV he was driving when he got his DUI because it was impounded and released to me (since that's the vehicle with the car seat and I always use it). We have two vehicles, so he drives the other one (the car). We have an extra car seat and a few times now he has mentioned putting the extra car seat in the car so he can drive our son around (to give me a break).
The thing is - I don't like that idea. I don't feel comfortable having him drive our son anywhere. I don't trust him because he's still drinking.
I know if I tell him this, he will get mad at me and accuse me of not trusting him (which is true). I can't keep avoiding this subject forever. Any suggestions how I can discuss my feelings with him without it turning into a fight?
p.s. My husband still has his driver's license because he hasn't gone to court yet for his DUI - he's allowed to drive (just not the SUV).
I have the same issue. My son's father drinks daily and since I moved out a month ago I wont even let him take my son out of my sight. He can't take him to the park or anything, because I can't trust that he wont drink or that he isn't already drunk. I have known him 3 years and I will admit that at times it's even hard for me to tell if he is drunk. He doesn't understand it and thinks even if he is drunk as much as he loves his son he pays such good attention while driving and would never let anything happen to him. HAHAHHA..im sure he loves him, but when you are drunk you can't made decisions like that and Im not going to put my son at risk.
I guess the only suggestion I have is from what I did and that is be honest about it. Im sure it will hurt him and he may get angry, but kids safety is more important. If he turns it to an arguement remember it takes 2 to argue don't accept his invitation. Just tell him Im not going ot argue about it.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
All u can do is be honest. If he gets mad then that is his perrogative. He will have to work out his own emotions, as u will. I personally believe if he does get mad, it is only b/c it's the truth. As a parent you are obligated to keep ur son safe. Detach from his feelings lovingly & deal with your own. It's all u can do anyway.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Why would you trust him? Since he's still drinking it seems he isn't concerned enough to earn the trust he wants.
I know how it feels. It's the child's Daddy. In a perfect world we want them to have that together time. I found out the hard way that no matter what was said or the guilt I felt to stand my ground.
I feel very strongly about this. My A hit a tree with my son in the back of his pick up truck. It could have been tragic. From that time on I never let it happen again. No way!! Not for any reason. I already lost one child, I know what that feels like.
Just ask yourself this if you are feeling pressure, guilt or are afraid they will be mad. Would you rather feel those things or risk losing your child?
My neighbor's daughter is a heroin addict. Two days ago she turned in front of a car and it hit right where her child was sitting in a small pick up. His name is Gabriel, (I call him Gaby Baby).. I drove his Grandma, who is my friend, to the hospital because she was too upset to drive. Gabriel (4 yrs. old) is o.k. albeit bruised with a few cuts from glass. Maybe his angel namesake was protecting him because the door by where he sat was really smashed in. Thr truck is totalled.
Would you put your child in a car with any other alcoholic and let them drive away?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Do your best keeping your child and yourself safe. Your alcoholic has a problem, has proof of the problem, has a license, has a car, and has an entire industry ready to sell him his next drink. Your alcoholic and the industry have no plan in place to protect the community at large, the family and the next potential victims of his drinking. Not even a basic one. Do your best. Not even the court can come up against an active compulsion to drink. This of course is one of the evidences of insanity.
I got into the car once when my A was drinking. I didn't have a choice because we were too far for me to call a taxi, plus I don't drive. He had snuck a bottle into the car. I was scared all the way home. I resisted the urge to scream at him while he was driving. Boy was I fumimg mad. I was praying that we would make it home safely. Once we did (thank HP) I made it clear in very plain, but firm terms that I would no longer get into the car if he had been drinking. I told him that if he got pulled over and put in jail so be it. I would drop his meds off but that would be it. The legal troubles would be his and his alone. It's also one of the reasons I insisted that the car insurance be kept in his name and his alone. It was his responsibility to pay for it.
You can say what you mean without saying it meanly. You can be firm without being cruel. It's up to him how he takes it. Your responsibilty is to your child and yourself. He's an adult. I can guarantee you that if we had a child and my AH took the child in the car and then drove off I would absolutely call the police. This is about protecting your child. It would break my heart to think that something happened to your son or anyone's child. Stand your ground with him if this what you want to do. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Explain to him as best you can, with your HP's guidance. If he doesn't understand or gets mad, it won't matter a month from now. The alternative to that would continually put your son in harms way. A precious life. That, you would never forget if something terrible happened. I could never let that happen and I am sure you will not either. I wouldn't just draw a line in the sand, I would dig a ditch. If he can't understand it, so be it. Always do the next right thing.
Perhaps its time to stop protecting your husb and his feelings , no need to be nasty or rude . facts are facts he cannot be trusted . Your son counts on you to keep him safe . Tell him how u feel and why and the sooner the better it will save u alot of grief . He is in this position because of his behavior and there is a pretty good chance after court he won't be driving anywhere any time soon . No doubt he will be angry and hurt but know that most of his anger is going to be at himself for the position he has put himself in , tho he probably won't say that or be capable of admiting it . Bottom line your son needs to be safe . Louise
I can tell you right now, in many states if their is a child involved they put it in protective custody.
So if he gets stopped again, having been drinking, or if he gets in an accident etc. Your son could get taken away.
Simple as that.
I am also very strong about this. I left my first husband becuz he came home drunk with our babies.
I was soooooo mad. He knew it too, and not a day later he was in a pedestrian accident when he was very drunk. Died 6 days later.
To me it is criminal to allow a child to ride in a car with a using addict. They kill enough of others peoples children and I am NOT chancing my own.
You have every right to say no. I would rather chance him getting mad than chance my childs life!
Think of it this way, Alanon teaches us not to enable. If you allow him to take your child, he is being enabled.
I know if he did get into an accident, and did not have his son with him, he would thank you for being so strong.
Al Anon skills teach us not to fight, not to argue. In my experience I say how I feel, I say no I cannot have you take the dog in your truck to work anymore. Period.
No more talk, no argue. If he did, I said it again, you are not taking the dog.......
If it were your situation, I would probably chain the childseat in the Suv. Or get rid of it until he goes to court and loses his license.
I had to remember an using A is insane. They can get a dui one day and drive the next and drink too.
To me the fact that he knows he is using, to want to drive with his child is also insane.
Its hard N. We get so sick from the disease we don't look at the situation like we would if we were well.
I was told I was and am a momma bear when it comes to my kids, and all kids. They are precious!
Would you give him a hundred dollars to hold for you? Like you rightly said, you don't trust him. good for you!
glad you came here. And there is so much support and info for you.
Can you afford to lose your son because of your decision in this, you are the responsible parent, if your husband had an incurable brain disease which impaired his judgement, I bet ( in my opinion) this would not be an issue, I treat it like this, my es-a who live me does not drive the boys ever, it non=negotiable, he has no licence because any fooling around ensures that the insurance company are not informed if he has an accident, there;s a lot into it, and I know I had to bear ex-a's wrath, father's wrath etc, it so much easier than lookng at a coffin, I would not wish that on you, take care
"Al Anon skills teach us not to fight, not to argue. In my experience I say how I feel, I say no I cannot have you take the dog in your truck to work anymore. Period.
No more talk, no argue. If he did, I said it again, you are not taking the dog......." -debilyn
"To me the fact that he knows he is using, to want to drive with his child is also insane." - debilyn
wow debilyn - so true, gospel
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Once we did (thank HP) I made it clear in very plain, but firm terms that I would no longer get into the car if he had been drinking. I told him that if he got pulled over and put in jail so be it. I would drop his meds off but that would be it. The legal troubles would be his and his alone. It's also one of the reasons I insisted that the car insurance be kept in his name and his alone. It was his responsibility to pay for it. 
This is about protecting your child. It would break my heart to think that something happened to your son or anyone's child. Stand your ground with him if this what you want to do. Love and blessings to you and your family.