The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an acoa. His dad is a dry drunk - went to AA but not working the program as he "is in control".
In all the many years I have been reading AA, Al-anon, and ACOA literature, I have yet to find something that will help me understand how ACOAs view their world. I have been to al-anon, but have yet to find a group that has spouses of acoas...not judging but hoping to find some other people who have walked my path.
Do all acoas mimic some alcoholic behaviours? My husband is very insecure, and compensates with alot of the acoa coping methods. He is manipulative, controlling, needy, and constantly tries to make me responsible for everything inhis life. According to literature, it is because then if something goes wrong, its not his fault. This is something that I have been detaching from for a few years now, and he is not reacting well to it.
He has been attending Al anon meetings recently - which is good. However, he still cannot/will not view me as a separate person with my own needs. He is angry and hurt that I just won't climb on board and act the way he wants me to. He has the "white picket fence syndrome" I have read about - his fantasy life that would be perfect if only the people around him would act properly.....it is very draining.
I am no longer trying to fulfil his need to be the perfect wife. and it is causing major problems. now he is attempting to fill the void by lecturing the kids on how they should act, and how they should be more like him. They are all young adults, and have lived with his tantrums for years, and now that he is coming off all pathetic, they feel they should be responsible for making him feel better. It makes me very sad. I am worried for their future health. My husband admits he is codependent, and I believe he is trying to make me and the kids codependent too, because he doesn't want to be alone.
Does this scenario sound familiar to anyone? If so, how have you coped? What have you done? I am at the point where I feel I may need to leave him, just in order to save my own sanity - and yet I am afraid that by doing so, I will be paving the way for him to project his neediness onto the kids, and prevent them from getting on with their own lives....
Im ACOA, my mom is an alcoholic and my dad quit drinking and attended AA when i was real young. My son's father is an alcohlic so I attend Alanon. I have tried ACOA, but for now Alanon is working best.
I guess all I can really say is be patient miracles don't happen in Alanon over night. I have been here 6 months and it takes a lot of work to get to where I am and still I am not perfect and at times I do mess up. It took me 25 years to learn all these behaviors from the people around me and I know it will take lots of time to change for the better.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thanks for your reply. It is good to hear how things look and feel on the other side of the coin. Since acoa is not within my own experience, I am glad to hear from others who can share how it was for them. It is very helpful, and gives me perspective.
"Do all acoas mimic some alcoholic behaviours?" -HR
This is an interesting question. Being acoa, I feel confident in answering how it is for me. As an acoa... u internalize everything & try to assume responsiblity for it... so if my mom was not in a good mood, I'd think it was my fault & then deseprately be trying to please her by enteraining her or whatever it took to 'get her in a good mood' again. We will do this stuff automatically. We take on other people's feelings thinking it is us. We are emotionally enmeshed with others & attached.
I had to learn to have "inner" boundaries. I had to learn that it was perfectly acceptable for me to be "OK" even if a loved one is in crisis. I used to automatically go on that emotional ride with them. I thought if I scarificed myself, it would show that I cared. But I dont have to experience their same emotions... I can still be loving, supportive, compassionate & empathetic right there by them - I no longer internalize their feelings & take them on as my own.
"I am afraid that by doing so, I will be paving the way for him to project his neediness onto the kids, and prevent them from getting on with their own lives...." -HR I would not project fear into the future, that feeds the negativity. Know that your kids will emulate you. If you are mentally & emotionally getting healthy in al-anon, they will have a healthy role model to emulate. We learn how to cope by the way we see our caretakers cope. Kids do what you do - not what you say. If ur hypocritical, they wont have resepct for you. It is most important to be honest with your kids and to talk to them about their feelings.
As an acoa, I leanred how to be codependent. i never felt like self love was emulated for me. I have had to discover that on my own. Before I had any self love, I was a insatiable & gaping hole always seeking to get attention or validation or praise or whatever from other people. I couldnt accept a compliment for anything, I didnt believe it about myself.
Since I got busy with self love... I am filled inside & am no longer seeking that outside of me. There is a great book, called: 12 steps for adult children. You can see the cover at the bottom of the board page - it has the building blocks on it.
My feelings were so twisted up with fear & guilt... I turned every scenario into a situation in which I felt obligated to help or fix or be of some need/use to other people. Once I got into my feelings & unravelled them... I was able to put the fear into a proper perspective. It's a great book & might give u some insight into the issues we have. ACoA - it is very codependent & a lot of A's have those issues as well. However... they do also have their own issues with being addicted. They are seperate but u will see over laps.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You say your husb has started to attend meetings , Iwould like to suggest that u do the same for yourself , Ism's are passed on in the family and your living with a adult child , sounds like a control freak , perfect family perfect home etc . Instead of trying to figure out your husb characteristcs , work on yourself u will make far more progress . There is nothing u can do about him , if he continues with al anon program he will figure it all out by himself -- reluctantly I am sure but he will figure it out . and may i suggest that the next meeting u attend u listen to the similarities * feelings * rather than the differences in relationships in the room , we are all truly unique but those of us who live with this have a common thread that bonds us in a way that nothing else can . Please keep attending your meetings your worth the effort . Perfectionism is common problem with anyone who has lived with this disease , can't control them but they learn to control thier sorounding , perfectly . My husb is a perfectionist as well and used to cause me alot of problems til i found a one liner in a forum magazine . I typed it out and stuck it on the fridge it was the deffinetion of perfectionist
PERFECTIONIST = PROFFESIONAL FAULT FINDER !!!!! it certainly got the message across .
Al anon works best for me these days. I am going on 4 years in it. I think the best thing to do is just keep attending meetings. In the beginning I attended 3-4 meetings per week. Now I attend one-two per week. Just keep going, its like some kind of magic that simply by showing up, it sinks in.
Be patient, we did not get this way over night and we will not change over night. YES, its us, NOT NECESSARILY THEM that has a problem. I mean, ya, they do have problems but their problems are not OUR problems! hugs, J.
oh my yes, perfectionism is a huge acoa issue, as well as cocdependency in general. It can stop u from doing anything b/c u fear it wont be perfect. It can also make u want to do everything b/c no one can do anything right or "your way" hehe. I had to learn my way was not the only way & imperfection doesnt matter. It is okay to make mistakes, its how we learn. I also truly truly unequivocably believed I could influence other people - well, that's just manipulative behavior.
I resisited & fought everything growing up (well, a lot of things) & I wasted about 20+ years looking at others & wishing they would change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Does this scenario sound familiar to anyone? If so, how have you coped? What have you done? I am at the point where I feel I may need to leave him, just in order to save my own sanity - and yet I am afraid that by doing so, I will be paving the way for him to project his neediness onto the kids, and prevent them from getting on with their own lives....
thoughts?
heatherranki,
I have been married 4 times, twice to active alcoholics, once to an acoa, and my current marriage is to a dry drunk. I find similarities that run through all diseases, but that is mainly because I believe it is a family disease and all suffer from the disease of alcoholism and it's effects.
"My husband is very insecure, and compensates with alot of the acoa coping methods. He is manipulative, controlling, needy, and constantly tries to make me responsible for everything in his life."
I found this to be true if I was living with an alcoholic, an acoa who wasn't in recovery, or a dry drunk (who by definition isn't in recovery, or working a recovery program). I found the only way to live with any of them was to work on myself and work the al-anon program to it's fullest. I got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, got active in service and read all the literature that I could get my hands on.
"I am no longer trying to fulfil his need to be the perfect wife. and it is causing major problems. now he is attempting to fill the void by lecturing the kids on how they should act, and how they should be more like him."
I learned a long time ago that I can't please anybody but myself. And yes this can cause major problems if you stand up for yourself and they aren't in recovery. They don't see this as "standing up for yourself" they see it as being "selfish".
My current husband, a dry drunk, and is doing the same thing as yours, attempting to fill the void by lecturing my daughter on how she should act, and be more like him. This unfortunately has happened to some degree. My daughter who is 12 now (today is her birthday) has become increasingly critical and lectures both me and her grandmother (who lives with us) on our behaviors and what we should and should't be doing.
My daughter lost a major privilege just yesterday for this behavior. I cancelled her overnight bowling birthday party and she basically didn't get to have a party today. I know this sounds harsh, but the behavior has gotten unacceptable and this is with the dry drunk out of the house now. We have been seperated since February. So yes, there is a real danger there of the effect on the children.
All you can do is what kitty said, "If you are mentally & emotionally getting healthy in al-anon, they will have a healthy role model to emulate. We learn how to cope by the way we see our caretakers cope. Kids do what you do - not what you say. If ur hypocritical, they wont have resepct for you. It is most important to be honest with your kids and to talk to them about their feelings." I talk to my daughter about her choices and about the consequences for those choices. We also have discussed my husband's behavior (not her dad) and how it is not appropriate to behave that way, and it is definitely not acceptable for her, a child, to behave in a disrespectful manner to her elders.
"yet I am afraid that by doing so, I will be paving the way for him to project his neediness onto the kids"
No matter what you do you can't control, cure, or change the way they act. It is out of our hands. Step 1 could just as easily read: We admitted we were powerless over 'People, Places, and things' (instead of alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable. We just have to work the steps to the best of your ability and let them Live and Let Live.
One thing we do say in al-anon is give yourself at least six months in the program before making any life-changing decisions. Your best scenerio is just as likely to come true by working the steps as your worst. So Keep taking care of you and get yourself into your own f2f al-anon meeting as soon as you can, they can help you the most. We have on-line meetings here and sharing in on the message board helps, but f2f meetings are the best because you can meet people face to face and get real hugs and find a sponsor.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
thank you all for your wonderful responses - they have been very helpful! I am "working on me" as you recommend, and I will give it time. It is very comforting to know that my perspectives are not "wrong", but mine to own. And I know his feelings and perceptions are his to own. It will be hard work, but I am starting it.
I do feel better knowing that many of you understand - it gives me support in looking after myself and continuing to work toward my own betterment, without feeling guilty for doing so. And it makes me feel much better about "detachment" - I do not feel selfish any longer for wanting it. I know that it will not be easy, and that I will encounter resistance. I know I do not understand where the acoa comes from, but that I can only deal with my own reactions to his behaviour. And let his behaviour, good and bad, be his to deal with, if he chooses.
This feels very empowering. I am me. I do not need to be anyone else for anyone else. I am acceptable the way I am. My feelings are mine, and I do not need to justify them.
