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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Struggling to understanding 4 yr sober ABF
Post Info TOPIC: Struggling to understanding 4 yr sober ABF
Star82


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Struggling to understanding 4 yr sober ABF
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Hello.  This is my first posting. I wanted to see if anyone out there has gone through anything similar or even has some words of advice.  My ABF is for the most part a wonderful and loving man.  He is totally sober and faithfully goes to his meetings.  We have been fighting lately and I am struggling to understand him.

I work in marketing in the liquor industry (sigh.  i know) but am not an alcoholic and consider myself only a moderate drinker.  I met my ABF 2 years ago at a bar.  He was not drinking but with a friend.  On our first official date he told me all about his recovery.  Naturally I was concerned about a lifestyle difference but he assured me he was fine around moderate drinking and casual bars and it didn't bother him one bit.

Fast forward 1 year into the relationship.  He starts snapping at me if I mention going out anywhere there might be alcohol: dinners, parties, meeting friends in the city.He flat out refuses to even be near anything pertaining to my work.  Suddenly he tells me "i'm never going to want to go to bars and I prefer not to be around alcohol."  Had he said this in the very beginning it would have been one thing, so far into the relationship, I felt so confused.  I didn't contest this, because I figured that I was the one having been insensitive all along.  I started spending almost all of my time with him alone, doing whatever he selected.  However, over time I noticed that these new rules did not apply when it came to seeing HIS friends and going where HE wanted.  It was perfectly fine for him to go to a bar and hang out sober while his friends got drunk, or even make beer runs for them but asking him to attend one of my friend's tame birthday party was out of the question.  I don't understand.

At the end of that year, I noticed I was losing some of my friends because I never saw them and my boyfriend wouldn't see them unless completely on his terms.  I was always either with my ABF or with him and his friends.  I was so lonely and sad I had to stand up for myself and started spending most weekends with my girlfriends but every weeknight with the BF.  Although it was all completely innocent, to this day he brings up my "other life" and sounds disappointed at hearing from time to time I'd go out for cocktails with my girlfriends.  

After a long talk, things got better.  But in the past few months, we've started to go back down the path of ABF making "rules" of what he can and cannot do when it comes to me and my circle and then completely breaking them when it suits him.  I'm terrified to even ask him to go places of my choice anymore because I'm not sure which version of him I'll get.  

When I ask him why it's okay for him to do one thing and not the other he tells me "this is the way it is" or denies it, or gives me a snotty look and tells me to go to Al-Anon.  I've tried to be as supportive of his sobriety as possible without completely losing my job or my circle of friends.  However, the ranging moods and "rules" he makes are giving me so much anxiety, over the past month I've been having heart palpitations.  

I apologize if I'm coming off insensitive to him and As in general, I just really don't understand the flip flopping.  I've read the books but I'm still lost!

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.


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Tofy


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Hi,
Listen, i am an A so i kinda understand the situation.
It is like UPS & DOWNS, sometimes it is OK by me to sit with some ppl while drinking, and other times i just feel ill if i just talk to someone that i know he/she drinks.
So you have to understand that he is righ; he is free to take this choice because our first priority in life is: Recovery.
If this will make him feels bad so just try to go on with him.
You have no idea how much the other voice inside our heads is twisted; like you said in your post: U read the book but u do not understand.
You have no problem with Alcohol, but he had, has and will still have.
I had the same situation with my GF, she is a social drinker; i do not mind if she drinks but my terms are very easy:
The day you drink do not call me; try to avoid me and don't ever ask me to join you or your friends while you are drinking.
Why i've been easy in my terms?
Because one of my shortcomes are "CONTROL" ; so i will not control her; just you enjoy ur life as long as it doesn't affect my recovery.
So maybe your ABF is a bit controlable; but if he is 4 years sober so for sure he is open minded.
I suggest that u just sit with him; and make a conversation, tell him that you need to spend some times with ur friends and in the same time u do not want to affect his recovery.
I am sure you will come up with a solution.
BUT remember his loss would be much more than yours; maybe you will lose couple of friends, but he will lose his recovery which could led him to death.
So check your motives also, maybe you are the part who is controlable.
God helps u!!

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david62


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Hi Star,

Welcome to Al-Anon, and welcome to Miracles in Progress.

It is important to support your boyfriends recovery, absolutely.  But that definately does not mean you are required to give up your life.  I can certainly understand why he doesn't want to be around alcohol on any level other than of his choosing. 

It does however sound to me as if he might be trying to control your drinking.  I can certainly identify that.  I tried unsuccessfully to control my ex-wife's drinking for years.  Al-Anon has taught me it is impossible for me to control what other people do.

I absolutely hated it when my ex would go places with or without me where I knew she would be able to drink freely.  I started avoiding these things and keeping her from attending these events whenever possible.  We lost friends.  I became an "isolationist".  It drove a wedge deeply into our relationship.

Attending an Al-Anon meeting would be a great way for you to learn about the disease of alcoholism.  It might help you to understand your BF better and it might help you to come to understand yourself better too. 

Communication between your BF and yourself is essential.  Communication means listening and being heard.

Thanks for posting and keep coming back!

Yours in Recovery,
David





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Christy


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Hey there Star,

You can now tell him you did come to Alanon and that Alanon says you deserve your own life!!  He does seem very controlling and that's fine, as long he he only attempts to control HIS life. 
I must disagree with Tofy.  It is not your problem if the A has ups and downs.  He has to learn to deal with them.  It's life. 

BUT remember his loss would be much more than yours; maybe you will lose couple of friends, but he will lose his recovery which could led him to death.
Uhhhm  NOT!!

You are not responsible for his recovery and you cannot make him drink or lose his recovery.  Giving up your way of life and your friends is exactly what Alanon does not want to happen.  His loss is not greater then yours.  YOU are most important.  Never think their loss is greater.  That is when you lose yourself and everything that you are.  Loss of friends causes isolation.  Once isolated, who has complete control?  

IMO, you would serve yourself well to place some boundaries.  Everyone needs friends and their own life outside the A's needs.  The mistake is in making the A your life.  I think you are doing the right thing in having your "other life" no matter how he wants to spin it.  If he has been invited and doesn't want to go, that's his decision.  If he was completely staying away from people that drink (ie; his friends) so he wouldn't be tempted, this would all be different.  It seems to be purely a control issue.  It's not about the drinking.  It's about making you be with him and not having friends.  Please don't allow that to happen.

His words may backfire on him about going to Alanon.  Alanon will tell you to make yourself happy and that you aren't responsible for his reactions to you having friends outside of his circle.  It will give you tools to handle and respond to his control  issues.

Find some meetings, come here, read Alanon literature..
Alanon has your back biggrin

Keep coming back!!

Christy

-- Edited by Christy on Tuesday 23rd of June 2009 10:23:45 AM

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
kitty


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I'm glad u reached out to al-anon, we need it especially when living in the situation.  It is great he has four years of a program.  But the best his disaes gets, is it goes into remission when they face themselves honestly & work their issues/program.  It is not "cured" it is something they have to deal with every minute of the day.

Maybe before when he said it was ok to be around some drinking... he could handle it then or like u said, he seems to handle it if he is in some sort of control.  It's an issue he may always need to be working on.  But that is his "stuff".

Al-anon is about you & for you.  It is for us to learn to get our attention back squarely on us.  We are all we can control or change, anyway.

It is important that u continue to maintain your own friendships, it's healthy.  You dont have to go out together but I know it may feel like a bummer he wont participate.  So be it, accept it & carry on.  Dont give in to all of his demands, I do see it as a way of manipulating/control.  My exAH isolated me from my friends & family & in no time I had absolutely no support & felt like a prisoner. 

Boundaries are very important.  We set them to give us a plan of action to follow.  It allows us an option.  I'm just saying, if I were somewhere & was feeling uncomfortable, today I can just get up & leave or remove myself, go for a walk or some space alone, even if it's in the bathroom - whatever u need to do.
   An A needs enablers & they (seem to) want u to focus on him -- focus on YOU & what you can do to better yourself today, whatever it is.

Al-anon will help you & we understand what ur going through.  We also have a chat group that hosts two daily meetings M-F 9am & 9 pm EST & on weekends.

You are not alone.  We all get to deal with our own feelings & issues. Your life needs to be about YOU.  Go for it, you're worth it!!!

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Temple


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Star,
Welcome. I'm new and haven't got the wisdom to share that people far into their recovery have available.
I noticed that the more I try to figure out what is going on in my dry for 30 years husband's head when he starts getting side ways, the crazier I become.
I noticed almost in passing that when he was getting packed to go keep the final vigil with his father, with whom he still had issues, that suddenly he was screaming at me that I cared more about the feral kitties we feed than about him.
Somehow I didn't think any of that was my stuff and I didn't even think it had anything to do with the cats or how much concern I had for him or any other of God's creatures. I had a passing thought that he wasn't wanting to deal wirh somerhing or he felt insecure.
And I let it go. I didn't chase it down any rabbit holes.
And 9 months later, I am here, to work on me and get me to the place that I am unavailable to be screamed at. Ever. I want to get to the place that when he is beginning to act out that I can just register that something is going on with him and not get my feelings tangled up in his tantrum or potential tantrum. It only makes it worse if I do.
You can learn a lot here and in Al-Anon. I am glad you are here.

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
maresie


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Glad you are here. I can guarantee you will be glad you took the A's advice. There is an incredible amount of tools here that can really help you. A big one is detachment you can learn about that at www.coping.org.

I'm not sure anyone here can explain you ABF behavior. There is no doubt many of us are familiar with it though.  I certainly allowed the ex A who I was with to control my entire life for a long time. Then I got here and started to take suggestions. Above all I watched people who I admired and respected and learned about their life.

One day at a time things got much better for me.  My life is far from perfect but many moons away from having it dictated to me by someone else.

Maresie.

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maresie
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