The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been talking on the phone (to his family, his friends, etc.) and I will overhear him say things like "relapse" or "slip" whenever he mentions his drinking being out of control these days. It makes me so mad because he's still drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!! How can you have a relapse or a slip when you haven't quit drinking? I just don't get it. The only thing I can think it that maybe his friends/family don't know that he's still drinking every day? I don't know why it bugs me so much, it just does.
new here too, he is trying to fool them, and himself probably. It is irritating. Something about beer drinkers like my husband, he loves to drink and run his mouth, non stop and there is no telling what will come out of it. Especially if the person doesn't know him very well, it's non stop lying, like, I have a bacholer's degree, or I own two homes, (all lies). it is very very irritating. Sometimes I wonder if low self-esteem is part of the A disease too.
I agree it bugs you b/c u know the truth. You know, what we focus on grows... u can keep focusing on him & being irritated to no end at his behavior or u can detach from him & focus on YOU. Can't control him anyway & he'll continue to do what he's doing. You can change & control you... learn to detach & how to stop allowing yourself to be irritated in the first place -- so he's full of it. Try as he might, he isnt changing the facts.
I used to make sure my A's knew that I knew when they were lying - but it was hardly worth it ~ they were always lying. I quit trying to run behind them, say the truth, be there - I gave it all up & made myself my own fulltime job. I've managed to detach so much - I rarely notice their behvior anymore, and I am free & at peace. I focus on me, work my program & try to experience as much gratitude as I can. I've managed to feel happy for nearly an entire year at this point ~ it's a miracle & all I had to do was surrender to the simplicity of this beautiful program.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result."
Who is better at that than an A?
In saying that, there is no answer to that question. An using A is not sane.
We really don't know what makes anyone do anything. So this is when we ask,"What makes me wonder about this?"
I don't believe I have ever known anyone as curious than I. I tell ya when I stopped wondering what made my A do this, or say this or what makes him not come home? What makes him talk badly about everyone behind their back? I was free. I found it did not matter why or what. It was not like knowing would change anything. He does all he does because he is controlled by a disease.
It is not my business to control what he says by explaining to others that he is lieing or he was drunk when he said it. It does not matter.
I know it hurts. When I found out all the horrible things my AH said to people it about killed me. God knows how much that hurt me, still does really.
Even though I know it was not the man I loved saying it. It just destroyed my belief that he respected me. In truth it was not him talking,but the disease.
A's do what they do. Period.
You know N to be honest, for me, which medically it is true, my AH is retarded. So nothing he says or does is reflected on me. I cannot control him or wonder about his actions anymore than the retarded kids I used to work with.I just loved and enjoyed them.
I hope my experience helps you. Because the goal is to make you more comfortable in your own skin. It just does not matter what he says and does.
hugs!,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Monday 22nd of June 2009 10:30:10 PM
I was soooo grateful when I learned what Kitty learned. I was able to get the hooks out of me that I sank everywhere when I allowed myself to be bated with what I thought the alcoholic should do, say and believe. It was painful pulling out the hooks. Those barbs wanted the hooks to stay lodge in my mind, body, spirit and emotions. The barbs were my compulsion to fix what I thought was wrong rather than just let it be (neither right or wrong.) Let it become a memory...change you. (((((hugs)))))
I am grateful that the program has taught me that what is bothering me, is often mirroring the truth about ME. This is great because THAT I can actually do something about.
You are noticing he's not working his program. Turn it around and you may discover that you are both equal.
I used this tool last night and my resentment against my friend just melted away.
So glad I am not alone, thanks for posting.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
