The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have become my own worst enemy, a person possessed, on the brink of a total emotional collapse. As much a I seek to calm my fears, insecurities, anger, and letting go, I seem to have these moments of complete insanity and I do things only to think about the consequences of my actions when it's too late.
I went to the alanon meeting this past weekend, what a wonderful group of people. It was amazing to listen to others stories and I no longer felt so alone. I was doing so well until yesterday afternoon. Not because of what I did but because I allowed myself to give in to my fears and insecurities which clouded my better judgement. I reacted in a moment of complete insanity instead of stepping back. Yesterday morning he was over to help my son work on his car and he was not drinking and for the first time spoke to me without any anger or anamosity in his voice. Well I definately blew that, at this point I don't think he will ever speak to me again. What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking at all. Now he will probably never speak to me again.
I see some expecations in this situation; To have these negative feelings is normal; not to have them, this is the abnormal
The program give u some tools to defeat ur anger, celf centerdness, everything.
Not a Cure, some tools.
Just pray and ask for guidnace and get urself out of the box; call some fellows, share, call ur sponsor...etc
Try at the begining not to stay alone because Isolation and lonliness led you to this kinds of thoughts;
Another thing, just do now go behind ur expectations, maybe if you will go applogize nicely everything will be back to normal.
Expectations can paralyse you from doing anything because it increase ur fears; remember first time b4 u went to Al-Anon meeting? What was ur expecationsand what was the result?
I think we're all our own worst enemies, all the great religions of the world write about how we hurt ourselves the most with our perspectives, our beliefs, our thought systems, etc. I think it's taken me a lot of time to become a friend to myself. I mean, for me, it's like As I've gotten healthier, I don't want to be an enemy to myself, and I don't like any one else picking me out. I've also found myself being alot more sensitive to people picking at me, too. Which is ok, I'm on the right track, if I was running from it, then there'd be a problem
Progress not perfection. Please don't beat yourself up - we've all been there with the overwhelming frustration of trying to change and the desire to see immediate results/change our behavior this very moment. I learned a great slogan from a program peep - See it, don't judge it. This reminds me to see and observe and be AWARE of the things I do that cause me pain, but to withhold judgement on myself. I am not a "bad" person because I am struggling with a disease that has infected my life OR that I'm trying to heal from a traumatic past and inaccurate belief systems that I grew up with. I am only wounded and need to be gentle with myself as I nurture myself back to health.
We would never speak to a friend or another individual in the ways we speak to ourselves. Once I was able to see how harsh I was internally, I could change. You're not alone.
Now what I see is progress. You caught yourself, you saw how you reacted and did not like it.
So you will do better next time.
Maybe you still have resentments left in your heart. It is a disease, they don't choose it, it takes time to detach from the disease and love the person.
We are sick too!There is nothing that says you can't send him a note apologising and thanking him for coming over.
I have become my own worst enemy, a person possessed, on the brink of a total emotional collapse. As much a I seek to calm my fears, insecurities, anger, and letting go, I seem to have these moments of complete insanity and I do things only to think about the consequences of my actions when it's too late. 