The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All the Al-Anon literature and meetings, we're told to support and not yell or criticize the alcoholic because it is a disease. I understand all that. BUT, how do you just "tenderly" accept all the lies, coming home late, lack of support, DWI and relapses for years. How can you possibly keep your emotions from screaming (which I did the other night and then felt bad) My therapist told me never to even engage in conversation with a person who has been drinking which I always do. Each relapse is more difficult and my emotions are just so fragile. I sometimes make it to a meeting but hearing about others situations makes me crazier because I can hardly cope with my own. Any help or advice?
The first thing is get a sponsor....get into as many meets as you can and work the 12 steps to reclaim YOU
the alkie has his own life, and I would "let him fend for himself"....set boundaries and stick to them
Let him suffer the consequences of his deeds...i would walk out of the room when he begins to lie.....if he comes home late??? let him fix his own dinner and just LET GO.....
DUI?? let him rot in jail....just let him suffer his own consequences....its his life, his choices, why help him???? enabling of any kind, if you are doing this, is binding him from being free to learn his lessons re: the consequences of his behaviour
getting over emotional when confronting him is not gonna work....calm, level voice.....explaining what you will accept what you wont' and make sure your ready to stand to it b/c for sure he is going to test it...
your feelings belong to you....you are with him, not leaving, so that is on you and you to take care of...the only thing you can take care of is YOU....
life is all about choice and consequences of that choice....the anger you are feeling is your emotion to deal with...
what can you do to take care of you??? have you gotten a sponsor??? are you attending meets???? do you have books on the 12 steps to work on????
reading other's posts here and responding will help you too...a net work of support is available to you if you reach out for it....
as to supporting him??? yea, IF he is in recovery...WORKING his program.....if he is not??? I would live my own life and LET IT GO....let him do what he must and UNhook from him and his behaviour...."yelling and criticizing" are useless....in one ear out the other.....but calm BOUNDARIES, can and will work if you keep your word as to what you won't take/accept.....
no do not coverse w/person who is drinking, i agree...its a waste.....
"sometimes making it to meet" is not enough....its the only way you can take care of you and learn how to take care of your own life.....
essentially you are on your own, if you don't find a sponsor and some meetings where you can fellowship w/other people suffering at the hands of an alcoholic
i grew up with it.....married it.........got into recovery and DUMPED IT ALL...........i have NO intentions of allowing another substance abuser in my life......i don't miss the chaos, lies, verbal abuse, coming home late, wrecked autos....DUI's.......I do not miss it......
i work this program to keep the focus and my care on ME.....I need this fellowship and I use it to help ME....to keep my balance and my *emotional sobriety*....the impact drinkers had on me was catastrophic.......working my program is like buying good insurance......sticking with my program and the healthy community keeps me walking in the light and keeps me balanced one day at a time....
you can stay w/him or you can go......but whatever you do, this drinking is gonna drag you down in a hurry if you don't get help in the al-anon 12 steps recovery program and work ALL of its suggestions......its up to you
my experience strength and hope is that the more I got my own life and pretty much completely ignored him, the better I GOT. So much of my anger had to do with me not following my own bliss or taking tender loving care of MYSELF and doing things that MADE ME HAPPY- cycling, gardening, cooking, taking classes, jogging, reading, traveling, etc.
I accepted none of it. I magnified myself and my own beauty and wonderfulness. Look at a pie. How big of a piece am I going to devote to him? Less and less because I learned to love myself more and more. I need to put my own oxygen mask on first before I can help anyone else.
I am now divorced. My serenity is more important to me than anything. Keep going to meetings. Keep reading the literature. I needed to attend 4 meetings a week for two solid years before it really began to sink in. How long have you been in the program? keep coming back here, hugs, J.
I usually just try to take myself away from the situation if it's frustrating me. Most of the time I'll go outside to read my al-anon literature - that usually helps calm me down. I don't know if ignoring them is the same thing as detaching, but it seems to be working for me right now. Also, if you have a sponsor (which I don't have yet), I'm sure you can call them during those times because it always helps to vent to someone who understands.
It is true - speaking to anyone that is drunk is an utter waste of time. Don't bother. If u need to vent, get to a meeting, vent here at the board or in chat. The chat room helped me loads to talk to someone that could understand at any time of day or night. I got lots of support there & still do.
Going to meetings will help you in so many ways... listen, learn, take the steps to heart - apply & work them. This program works when we work it. You can learn to detach from other people's problems & issues. We are here to share what works for us. We are here to heal our emotional baggae & issues. I encourage u to get to a meeting & share thereby getting it off ur chest, out of your mind & heart. It's so cathartic. If ur not crazy about the meetings you've found, try some different one &/or try it online. Whatever works. We're here for you.
Feel, deal heal & then u will be able to support ur A. In the meantime, get support for YOU. We need to release our anger & get to the heart of what has hurt us. I know I had to do a lot of forgiveness work on me just for being hurt & human. Also focus on YOU & detach from the A's behavior. We are all we can control or change... may as well spend the energy where it will do some good.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
For me, I can't support when I am angry. The only thing I can do is take care of me. The anger eats me alive and he never notices. So what's the point? A year ago I came to alanon very ANGRY. I was advised to focus on me. The more I tried to focus, the more I learned about how I didn't like who I had become. I wanted a change in life and it had to begin wih me. I got active, I started working in my flower beds more, I started taking care of myself again, I forced myself to get out of isolation and started visiting with friends again and going to church, I made myself put on make up to go to work and fix my hair. Those were all things I jused to alway do. Guess what? It's working. I'm not so angry anymore and I am starting to like me again. And when I have confidence, I have a pep in my step and a smile on my face. Attitudes are contageious, my A figured he better step up or I was stepping out. He is now working his program. Things are not perfect, but they are better. I still get angry. But now I pray to HP instead of throw cell phones and remote controls.
How do I support when I am so angry ? for me the best way to support my husb was to find my own program and mind my own business , because of the obsession of trying to figure out what to do about him I had lost myself in the process , there was no me by the time I got to Al-Anon this program focuses on us and getting our lives back I was not ready to leave my marriage and in our literature it says that it is possible to find happiness wether he is still drinking or not , I didn't think that was possible but it is . We are enablers and until we stop doing what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change , I learned to love the man hate the disease . I stoped believing the lies , stopped making excuses for his crappy attitude , I stopped lying to family and friends . I was told to step aside so God could get at him . hehe In Al-Anon I found people who listened when i spoke , no one told me to not cry when I felt like it - they understood where I was at and sharred thier recovery with me . This is a disease no doubt in my mind - it takes the man and leaves someone we don't recognise behind . There is nothing u can do about him , this is his problem leave it with him where it belongs . In this prog I learned that I don't have to go on this roller coaster with him , I can get off any time I had choices . This prog changed my life and ultimatley my families , we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home -Al-Anon does not promise to save marriages it only promises to return us to sanity ,that was good enough for me . I hope u will find meetings and attend regularly , at this point u really have nothing to loose , and alot to gain . Louise
The way I found serenity with it, and had empathy for him was, I really believed his is sick.
Cancer of the brain can cause all that. Having a diabetic low blood sugar attack can too. His disease is called alcoholism.
He did not choose it, feels more guilt than we ever will hates being an A and cannot change that, knows being in recovery takes sooo much energy and dedication.
Knowing all this made me look at him different. Was easy to walk away when the disease was being a turkey.
Made me sad when the disease would raise up, I immediately missed the man it keeps captive, still do.
I believe until we really believe,not just "know" that it is a disease, we cannot detach and love our A.
He does not choose to be so sick.
We have all been where you are! You are here, so you have miracles coming.
Hello! They all gave great advice just want to share this letter someone showed me when I first came to Alanon it will helped me see how sick he really was. ..(not sure if i should copy and paste this or not. not sure if it's against the rules so delete it if i shouldn't post it.)
An open letter to my Family
I am an alcoholic, I need help.
Don't allow me to lie to you and accept it for the truth, for in so doing, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but get at it.
Don't let me outsmart you. This only teaches me to avoid responsibility and to lose respect for you at the same time.
Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. In so doing you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. And don't pour out my liquor; you may feel better, but the situation will be worse.
Don't accept my promises, This is just my method of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety with for us compel you to do what I must do for myself.
Don't cover up or abort the consequences of my drinking. It reduces the crisis but perpetuates the illness.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness, gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, and to plan for my recovery. I need help from a doctor, a counselor, or a psychologist, another recovered alcoholic, A.A., from God. I cannot help myself.
I hate myself, But I love you. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make for us.
Please help me, Your Alcoholic
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thank you all for your kind words and your support. I am normally a very happy, optimistic person. Alcohol has changed that with each relapse. I feel in a downward spiral everytime my husband drinks. I know I am allowing him to control my life. I appreciate all of your help; I only share this with a couple of people and my dark secret has caused me so much pain and depression. Thank you all for showing me some light. Wife of alcoholic
Hi I'm not sure if i'm right in saying this or not because i sort of feel like a lot of people are saying you can live with an alcoholic as long as you take care of yourself. I hope that is the case for most people and i wish them all the luck in the world. Isn't it ok to want to be happy and to want a good life without anxiety and fear? Is it ok after years of worry to say enoughs enough. Maybe if you gave yourself the chance, you could be happy without him - maybe eventually with someone else who would treat you right and not put you second best. Life isn't a dress rehearsal and we've only got one chance at it - make the most of it. I read somewhere that the only thing worse than watching someone you love destroy themselves is drowning in their wake. Don't let that happen to you. Its ok to think of yourself and do whats best for your life. My partner is in recovery now and i am hoping so much he will stick to it but if he doesn't then i hope i will know that i have the strength to know when to give up and live my life for myself. I love him so much but i know my responsibility is myself and my happiness - he is the only one responsible for him and his happiness. I hope you can find some peace and are able to deal with your emotions. Its awful to be depressed - please don't be afraid to talk and get your feelings out in the open - i found that really helpful. Take care xx
I feel like I am finally coming out of my depression over the latest relapse of my husband. The sun is out and I feel so mad at myself for having been choked up with tears, fearful of the future and what next? I am mad that I am allowing someone else to control my moods. Alcohol is horrible. I rationalize and think, Oh well, he's not a binge drinker, it only happens every few months, he's a good provider, people and I love him, but what a horrible experience to keep living through and NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL. That's what makes it so difficult. I'm thinking of some inexpensive therapy ( our insurance is horrible) A counselor helped me last year.
