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first of all i would like to say hello to everyone on here and this is my first post. my story goes like this, please be patient in reading as it may go on for a while. i was once in a long term relationship of 15 yrs with my ex from whom i have 2 beautiful grown up children, i have since moved out of that relationship due to his drinking and wrecking our home family life, so i eventually moved on after much much heartache. i then met somebody else and started all over again and had a baby to my new partner, my baby is now 16 months old. my troubles began when she was 5 months old, my new partner started walking out on me and the baby and my 2 older children who live with me. a little background on him, he also has 2 children the same age as mine and is divorced from their mum, he was single for 7 years before i met him. he has his own house which is 25 miles away from where we are renting. at the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful, all i ever wanted, then it all fell apart and i have been trying to recover it ever since.
he is an heavy drinker just like my ex was but has since got worse in the last year and basically he comes home from work as early as he can lets say about 4 or 5 o clock and then heads straight for the vodka, and he can fill a pint pot half way and then fills the other half with either orange or red bull. he does drink other stuff such as wine or bottles of been, but its very rare he goes 1 nite wothout any drink at all. he is a good dad to his daughter and see she does not want for anything, but with his drinking he can get paranoid with my older son and on occasions has called him names when he has gone out of the door, then when i ask him why he has said that, he apologizes. my problem is that not 1 single month will go by without him leaving me, he drinks to excess and then i have a go at him an say its only bloody 7 o clock and your as drunk as a newt, why cant you just have a vodka last thing at night or not at all, then i have ranted in the past saying stuff like i hate my life, you are always drunk. i have been at home all day with the young baby and i would just appreciate a little help and to talk about my emotional felings.
i must point out that when he does leave me he drives back to his house 25 miles away drunk! he isnt here at the moment he has left again a week ago the day b4 his birthday and has done his usual trick of turning the fone off and turns it back on again when he feels like it, god forbid if i needed to get hold of him. i must say that he had only been back 6 days before he left again this time and its always in drink. the situation went like this, he came home at 4 went for his vodka, then by 7 he was drunk i had a go at him saying i had to do everything such as pots ect while u just got drunk, then he sat there for 5 minutes and left he doesnt even tell me he is going he just goes, its only 10/15 mins later when i wonder where he is i realise he has gone, this time he has taken his dog with him which he has never done before. where he lives is near to his ex and his family,which i did have a problem with him going there before as so much upset has been caused from her when he first met me as apparantly she wanted him back. but on the episodes he has left me i have drove up on a few occasions, even xmas eve to try and get him to come home and he is just upstairs in his bedroom drunk watching the tv and surrounded by alcohol, empty and ful bottles. when he leaves and he has kept his fone on i have bombarded him with txts and calls pleading and begging him to come back and we can sort things out. we have talked about varous issues such as him renting his house out and even selling it. but all to no avail, he is full of promises but does not put any of them into action. we have talked countless times about his drinking and he just says its me a am an idiot and i have a lot on blah blah blah, the ususal stuff i have heard over the years both from him and my ex. the longest he is away b4 contact is usually 1 week, then i ansa the fone straight away saying come back we can talk. i do still love him but i am worried sick over my future, finances, stability, allsorts. i have been a wreck and cry all the time but keep myself together for the sake of my youngest, i dont want any of this having a detrimental efect on her. even tho i have been like this for all these years its the first time i have ever turned to a group such as this one, i have been gooling for days trying to search for advice and this came up so i joined and could not wait to start writing my post. they do have a weekly group that i could attend but i am unable to get there coz of my baby. my eldest daughter is great and would watch her if i asked her too, but to be honest i dont feel like facing up to anybody, my self esteem has gone to zero and i feel so mixed up i gave everything up to be with him and plan our baby together, i was in my 2nd year as a student nurse, then i gave my house up to move in with him and my kids hated living so far away, so we decided to rent a place back down where me and the kids come from. he says he doesnt want to live in this area but does so for me because he wants to be with me. most nights he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of my life with me, then the other weeks are spent with him walking out on me and having no contact.
i realise its late and many people will have gone to bed by now, but if anybody does take the time to read my post either tonight or tommorw i would like to say thank you in advance and any help would be much appreciated coz thats what i need right now. x
Hi. I am new to this online meeting thing too. I have been going to face to face Alanon meetings for the past six months.
What I have learned so far is that I am attracted to alcoholics because I don't want to focus on myself. I think deep down that only an alcoholic would be interested in me. I think I would be afraid to be with someone "normal" because they could start seeing me, and all of my faults. Writing this I realize that this is what the 12 Steps are for- to help me turn it over to a higher power and clear out the guilt etc. and accept myself and others as they are. Of course this is all easier said then done! Lol. I need to remember the slogan, Awareness, Acceptance then Action!
This week I called a woman who offered to be my sponsor. She had offered to after I announced at a meeting that I was looking for one. I also started writing out the answers to the questions about the Steps in the Pathways Alanon book. I was feeling so bad I became open to working the Alanon program harder.
I also find I can start taking care of my "outsides", i.e. my hair, clothes etc., to help me get to the "inside" work. I think of the slogan "fake it until you make it".
I hope you can get to a face to face meeting! They help me a lot. In my area people bring their babies with them to meetings. Reading Alanon literature helps me too. I am still working on asking people for their telephone numbers. I can see how it helps breakdown the isolation.
Jojo, one thing for sure is, we who are around an addict, are sick also.
What in the world would make you want him to give up his house and move in with you?Does this sound like the choice of a well woman?
He is a very, very sick man. It will continue to get worse. He is already mentally abusing your son.
You got you guys away from one addict to then be with another.
He does this so he can drink more at home where no one will try to get inbetween his first love, drugs. His driving drunk shows how insane he is from the disease.
Have you asked if your al anon group there has a nursery for kids during meetings? Is there someone you can leave the baby with?
The best thing for you is get to meetings. NO different than if you had a broken arm and needed to go to the doctor.
Getting Them Sober is a great book by toby rice drews.
I hope you come back. I promise Al Anon is the only thing that will get you through this, help you understand and help you and your kids to get well.
Jojo, one thing for sure is, we who are around an addict, are sick also.
What in the world would make you want him to give up his house and move in with you?Does this sound like the choice of a well woman?
He is a very, very sick man. It will continue to get worse. He is already mentally abusing your son.
You got you guys away from one addict to then be with another.
He does this so he can drink more at home where no one will try to get inbetween his first love, drugs. His driving drunk shows how insane he is from the disease.
Have you asked if your al anon group there has a nursery for kids during meetings? Is there someone you can leave the baby with?
The best thing for you is get to meetings. NO different than if you had a broken arm and needed to go to the doctor.
Getting Them Sober is a great book by toby rice drews.
I hope you come back. I promise Al Anon is the only thing that will get you through this, help you understand and help you and your kids to get well.
love,debilyn
i hate to sound like a broken record after i concur wiht debilyn, here....print her post and read it over and over AND, my take is
i would get a sponsor fast as i can.....get all the 12 steps literature you can carry, along w/ books alanon literature, recovery type stuff....sponsor can guide you on what you need to read and PRACTICE
you have jumped from the skillet into the fire.......1 user to another user......AND you are hurting your boy over this.....WHY???
what unresolved pain or unfullfilled needs in your past is driving you to these "NO WIN" situations??? and i agree...he wants his own place so he can drink/ drug w/out anyone there to nag him.....
WHY do you want more pain????? does that sound healthy????? hes only gonna get worse w/out recovery.....AND wreck you and your innocent boy who maybe already traumatized by user #1........we set an example for the young ones.....if i am doing sick stuff, what can i expect of my kids???? there is enough bad out there w/out my having to go "purchase it" AND bring it home to my child......when my kid was in the house, i did NOT bring guys aroudn her.......NOT!!!! i screwed me up, but i did not allow it around my girl.....that part i did right., but yea, i got into these sicko relationships b/c i had no respect for me....no self esteem...."lookin for love in all the wrong places"......needed to look w/in ME and my maker and get ME well, get to know/love ME and THEN, MAYBE be open to another relationship......
PLEASE get into the program and work it for all its worth.....program is not gonna push it self on to you b/c respect of your boundaries....but its there all ya gotta do is reach out......the choice is yours
thank you so much for your reply bella, i didnt realise you could take children to the meetings, so i will go to one when i have the strenght to get outside and put my brave face on. i need to look into what a sponsor is coz i have read a few posts and they mentions a sponsor, but unsure wot it is i do or what they do, i have laso read a little on detachment from peoples posts, i dont suppose u could shed some light on how that works please xx, thank you again jo x
Al-Anon is for us & about us. We who are enablers & codependents have lots of issues that attract A partners (or other froms of dysfunctional people). We have to learn to face ourselves honestly & stop looking at the other person - we tend to obsess - and make changes within.
A sponsor is a program mentor, one who will work the steps with you. It is suggested you do this at f2f meetings. MIP has an online forum/chat room with 124/7 chat & 2 daily meetgs on line, everyday. Having someone to talk to that understands makes all the difference.
So even if u cant get face to face local mtgs immediately... u can hit a mtg online.
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
I have discovered in my past - that I repeated my mistakes with people until I loooked honestly & with a willingness to change. With changes in attitude, I had a perceptural shift & life is hopeful today.
Detachment will come to you, after u get into the program a little bit. We spaek about detaching with love from another's behavior, emotions & issues & deal squarely with our own. I gained detachment after I set & followed through on boundaries. It will come through working program, getting to meetings & sharing. Welcome to Miracles in Progress.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
