For several months I've been dealing with some "stuff", so much that I haven't even wanted to share much of it.  Ever been to the point that it's so much you don't want to talk or think about it anymore?

I'm still there but I've been constantly grateful for the use of Alanon tools throughout the many recent trials of my sanity..lol   There is literally so much, I can only outline it.

I went to AZ. a few months ago at my Aunts request.  My Uncle was terminal with heart disease.  Only 10% of his heart was functioning and being 72 yrs. old, she neededed help.   So, I hopped a plane asap, setting other stuff aside.   They have no children and I am very close to them.  I helped where I could.  I did things that my Aunt couldn't because she didn't want to leave my Uncle.  I did errands, got and filled out the paperwork for a lost truck title she wants to sell.   Helped her get my Uncle to a Dr.'s appt., groceries, drug store visits etc.   It was a bit stressfull because I had no idea where I was going when I did the errands..and even worse,  I knew it was the last time I would ever see my Uncle.  I was there a week but had to get back home.  Leaving was VERY difficult.  As sick as my Uncle was, he insisted on riding to the airport to see me off.  It took him 15 min. to walk to the car with oxygen in tow.  I couldn't hold back the tears (but I sure tried) as I told him how much I loved him and ..Good bye.  I kept watering up on the plane, fighting back the meltdown I wanted to have.  I just wasn't willing to do it in front of 200 other passengers.

When I got home I had my Grandson for 3 weeks, he's 5.  My daughter had to go to Amsterdam due to her job.  I loved having him and he's my little buddy but 3 weeks is a loooong time.   I know we made some great memories but.. Whew!! I was so ready to have my life back.
I did have my life for all of 4 days until I got a call from my Dad.
 
My parents are in a situation right now that I don't want to take an hour to explain.  Last weekend I drove 840 miles round trip to spend a few days with them.  The situation was much worse then what my Dad let on over the phone. 
I got the ball rolling for them to take care of some needs, found  methods of help, made some suggestions and helped where I could.  My Dad, being the stubborn Archie Bunker that he is, refuses to accept the help I had lined up (so far), which in turn affects both of their well beings.  It would simplify everything but "I can't make him" do anything.
Wow!  It was frustrating.  Again, holding back tears after I left them.

My Uncle passed away while I was on my way to my parent's house.  They thought someone had called me.  My Aunt did, but since she called my home phone and not my cell I was unaware. 
Soon after I arrived, my Dad made a comment in conversation like "Now that Uncle T is gone..."   WHAT???   WHAT???
It wasn't like I didn't know it was coming but to find out that way was a bit rough.  My daughter was with me and started to come and give me a hug but I held up my hand to stop her.  With all that was happening a hug would have turned me in to a puddle.  Thank Heaven she knows me well and was not offended.  I would have to grieve later.

I had told my Aunt I would come back when Uncle T passed, so that was on my mind too.  I felt like,  "I  love you Uncle T but couldn't you have picked a more convenient time?"  I know that sounds awful but I had to deal with my parents and they were living. 

The next instances are rather minimal but in addition to everything else..UGH!!
So I get home one of the toilets are not working and my computer has a raging virus.  My Dad had asked me to check some things out for him via computer (they don't have one) and I couldn't.  I lost pretty much everything.  All my email address, favorites, saved passwords..irritating to say the least.
I took my computer to get healed.  My friend offered a laptop until I got my computer back.  This was all going on the day after I got home from my parents. 
Dad had given me some things that were still in my car.  One thing in particular was a pair of big lamps.  I opened the door to put the laptop in the car (hands full) and one of the lamps crashed on to the driveway.  I called it a rat bastard which threw my friend in to a fit of laughter.  I wasn't laughing so much  :(

Now, I can deal with a lot of things but when they start getting piled up like that, well... I'm only human.  I did my best to stay in the now, but all the "nows" weren't much fun. 
I had been using the tools to the best of my ability.  Doing what I could and then reminding myself I am powerless.  I didn't argue with my Dad (much) about his refusal of help.  I told him my only concern is for their well being.  Life for them could be much better,  but if he can't see it, I can't make him see it.
I tried to be as grateful as possible for having had my Uncle T in my life, even though I would never again hear "How's my best girl?"
Life rolls on...
Unfortunately there are no "power tools" in the Alanon tool boxes. 

Sooooo....I'm thinking I have handled this all pretty well.  I'm a bit frazzled but moving ahead.
I called my hubby in Alaska last night as usual.  I filled him in on the computer and the lamp. 
He asked me if I wanted him to come home.   Puzzled, I asked, Cuz I broke a lamp?  He said No, because I know you.  You haven't really cried and I want to hold you when you realize you need to.  OMG!  That did it!!  I lost it.
I cried for an hour while on the phone together.  In all of my tool using and letting go and living in the now..I had done what needed to be done but detached and not cried.  I feel MUCH better today.

I just think it rather ironic (and a little funny) that in all my working of the program,  it took the wisdom of a alcoholic to tell me I simply needed to cry. 

ps..this really was the short version.

Christy



-- Edited by Christy on Saturday 20th of June 2009 11:10:49 AM