The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, for the first time, I started reading "How Al-Anon Works: for Families & Friends of Alcoholics". My grandmother sent it to me years ago and has been gently urging me ever since to give it a try. It wasn't until now, in a fit of heaving sobs, that I did. I started reading and on sixth page it really hits me...
...We may have picked up the struggle in the form of daily bouts with anxiety, or we may have difficulty trusting anyone or anything, always waiting for chaos or disaster to strike, even when all seems well...
I've just had the millionth argument of the week with my live-in boyfriend, all consisting of me feeling insecure and pathetic and unwanted--why? Because he went out with some friends. Because he made plans without telling me days or hours in advance. Because he doesn't want to spend every single waking minute of his life staring at me and catering to my every need. How dare he, right?
He's the first nonalcoholic I've ever been in a serious relationship with, and it's like I can't handle it! He's not codependent and centered around me and my attention while simultaneously treating me like a doormat and physically abusing me, so what--now I feel like I have to drive him away?
I hate myself for the way I feel and the way I treat him. He's absolutely the best man in the world for me. He respects me and knows how to take care of me, more than I could come close to saying for the other men, he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I completely adore him. So how do I make this relationship work?
I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now--we both are. For the sake of my work we're about to move to a new state, to a place where neither of us have much of a social network, after having lived the past month in a sublet in a city that we both hate. We feel like unsettled nomads all the time when all we want to do is lay roots. We both work meaningless jobs that are breaking us down and wearing us out. On top of that my grandfather [the original alcoholic in my life] was just admitted to the hospital for collapsing at work and I'm endlessly worried about him but our relationship is challenging for me and I haven't been able to work up the nerve to even call him and tell him I love him when I don't even know if he'll make it til I can go visit him. My grandmother, his ex-wife, is keeping me posted on his condition, but she has so many of her own issues with him that I can't rely on her to support me around that. My mother is dealing with post-traumatic stress from a work related incident and has been for over two years, and I now have to act as a support pillar for her, instead of counting on her to support me. In fact, I can't even call her in a bad mood because it brings her down so quickly. And the cherry on top? My estranged father was suggested to me as a friend on Facebook tonight. A man I have chosen not to speak to for over twelve years is hanging out on my computer, staring at me with my own damn eyes.
I know that I have support in my life--that there are people who I can get in touch with when I need them, but knowing that and feeling that are two very different things. Tonight I feel like I don't have anyone. I create excuses for why I can't call any of the people who care about me, and close up to the world when I all I want is a shoulder to cry on and an intent gaze with a listening ear.
I've barely left the house in a week, called in sick to work for the sake of my stress, and today after finding out that my boyfriend would be spending the entire day with other people, I decided to take myself out and act like a tourist in the city that we're about to leave. I had a good time, even though I thought about him every second, and when I came home he showed up to change clothes and run back out the door again. I proceeded to do all of our laundry (an activity we have, in the past, found a lot of fun in doing together and making a day out of--we're good at simple pleasures) which took four hours, and while it was running I intensely cleaned the kitchen. He told me he'd be back before evening and that he'd help, but he didn't get home til nine, and when he did it was only to turn around and leave again to go to a friend's film screening--something he never mentioned to me--I'd expected him to be home for the night. All and I mean all I wanted to do was sit down and show him the trinkets I'd found when I went out on my adventure, and tell him about everything I'd seen. But he didn't have time.
And so here I sit, weeping and gasping and feeling all alone, having stayed home to sleep but knowing I won't be able to until he get's back. So, please--help?
I am doing my best to understand. Who is your qualifier? The addict you love in your life?
Are you an A? You said he was not.
Guess I am confused.
I will just say a little. Men, seems like, like a woman who has her own interests. Well actually I like men like that.
Try again. People in relationships that work, usually have their own separate interests and support each other. Then it balances with their togetherness.
If needed they have a few days or whatever is their time together.
If one needs to rearrange, the other says,"cool."
Usually when we feel needy, it is something we need to give ourselves that has zero to do with another person.
Soooo not really understanding your posts relevance to Al Anon....
Glad you are here, keep coming! AND what I did learn was to get into my own passion, animals and I have never felt needy for another person since. I just enjoy them and they are icing on my cake! love,debilyn
Usually when we feel needy, it is something we need to give ourselves that has zero to do with another person.
This is my issue--I need to figure out how to do that, and I'm having a really hard time.
Are you an A? You said he was not.
No--my grandfather, great-grandmother, aunt, uncle, and two ex-boyfriends were alcoholics.
The way that I'm relating this to alcoholism, is that I have this idea, and I've been supported in this idea, that the alcoholism in my family is the origin of my codependency issues. Also when I said...
He's the first nonalcoholic I've ever been in a serious relationship with, and it's like I can't handle it! He's not codependent and centered around me and my attention while simultaneously treating me like a doormat and physically abusing me, so what--now I feel like I have to drive him away?
...I drew the connection. I feel completely screwed up because I can't seem make a relationship last with someone who isn't boozing on a nightly basis, who doesn't treat me badly and need me (codependently) as much as I need them.
-- Edited by holdhands on Saturday 20th of June 2009 01:32:48 AM
You may be ACOA or you may have been raised by an ACOA- adult child of an alcoholic. My great grandfather was the massive alcoholic in my family- goes WAY back (I am 45)-and the effects are HERE in me TODAY, very prominent and they are very similar to what you describe. In a way its more difficult to pin down because there may not be active addiction or drinking involved. Its somehow more difficult to see but believe me the "effects of alcoholism" are there. My mom is an A but she has never drank a drop in her life. Her brother was a drinking A. She is a classic dry drunk. Total textbook. Her mother married her father because he was a teetotaller. Look for total teetotalism in your family tree which is often the over reaction to alcoholism- through the generations. My grandmother (my mom's mom) married a man who never drank because her father drank SO MUCH.
Its complicated but I have found al-anon to be supremely helpful in every way imaginable. Keep coming back- its really all you have to do! hugs, J.
One of the first things we learn in Alanon is that we are powerless over people, places and things. We only have power over ourselves and our responses to situations. To me, it appears you are taking on everyone's (your family) problems and pain and expecting yourself to do something about it while walking on eggshells. In alanon you would learn to leave other people's problems with them, doing what you think is right and then letting go of any notion that you can change other people's expectations of you.
Alanon will help you do this, while finding you and your strength. You will learn that you have choices. You don't need to be in the cycle you are in, you just need the tools to change your thought patterns. alanon can give you those tools.
Keep coming back! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Oh Boy, Hold Hands, Can I relate. I think it is a good sign that you can see some of the ridiculousness of your thought processes--the "and how dare he?" part. Sometimes when I'm obsessing, I just really push it until I end up laughing. The post yesterday from Aloha about the Fixated Dog is really worth reading. If you read all of yesterday's posts, you will find it. I'm new to this board and coming up out of a loong funk and I think I have just about alienated everybody I am in contact with. I wonder if I am Manic Depressive and in the euphoric phase. Trying Really Hard not to obsess about it, but just let it go. I assume everybody on here has seen it all before. And as for people in the other world, they'll either forgive me or won't. I have Never been able to change anyone's opinion abour me. Even when I think they have it all wrong. Sorry. Got off on a tangent about me. For a co-dependent, that isn't always a bad thing. Stick around. Some more of the Serene ones will come on here and give you the best advice you could get anywhere, IMO.
And Jean, thank you for your post. That clears up a lot of things for me. My father didn't drink because he saw what it had done to his grandfather, some uncles, some of his brothers, and he certainly could be driven.
One thing I like about this board is I get helped by the original poster and by those who answer, both. It is total win-win, as far as I can see.
And I forgot to say Welcome, Hold Hands. You have come to a very good place.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Christy--I hope this gets to you. I'm not sure how to work the mechanics of this thing yet. I have wanted to tell you how much I love your tag line. It is such a great way of stating what should be obvious to me, and isn't. And a great reminder. Thank you, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I can really relate to how you feel - I spent my entire life being a support for my mother, doing what I thought she needed. My mother is ACoA & never faced her codependent issues, in turn I am ACoA. A few years ago, coming to al-anon for the second time, I decided to give it a fair chance & actually listen & apply what I was hearing. My way wasnt working. I was drivine by anxiety, constantly projected the worst into the future, kept reliving past pains & bringing them into present, gave all of myself to everyone else & did not know how to love me one iota.
Once I got busy working on loving me, in the most microscopic amount - things changed. I was able to focus on me for the frist time in my life. I detached from what people around me were or were not doing & kept bringing my attention & awareness back to me, where it could do some good. I am the only person I can change, so I simply stopped trying to fix, help, influence other people & put the energy I used to on others, on me. I became my fulltime job. I can work out anyone else's feelings & most of them didnt want my help anyway. I was a crutch for them, so I stopped. That first year I barely saw my mom at all & it was hard but I needed to focus on me. I didnt particularly like her relationship with her AH anyway, so I detached to the best of my ability.
I would suggest to you the book called: 12 steps for adult children as it will speak directly to your issues as an ACoA & help to navigate through some of your feelings.
There is defintely hope - and u can stop obsessing. I didnt think it was possible as I did it 24/7 but once I got me in focus - I was able to concentrate on me & allow others to have their own lives, have their own mistakes. We all have to do what is right for us. Check out some local meetings or give the online ones here a try (2/day in chat room) - they are very good.
We are here to support each other - I'm glad u found us, welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for your wonderful post. I relate to it a lot! My father was an alcoholic and almost every guy I have gone out with has been one too.
I really relate to not knowing what to give ourselves when we feel needy. I also believe wanting to be around people is not needy. We are social creatures. Here are some things that have worked for me:
1) Getting a part-time job (while I job hunt) at the front desk of an upscale health club. Not only do I get to get out of the house and workout for free, I have met a ton of positive, active people! I have also managed to do some good job networking. I am shy and this job has taught me how to talk to and interact with people a lot better! I say hi to everyone, especially the unfriendly or quiet people. I have learned to give people I didn't think I would like a chance which has paid off a lot. Plus, working out gives me confidence and something to talk about with people. This job has been so valuable that I want to keep it even when I get a full-time job.
2) Volunteering in the past at an animal shelter allowed me to not only help animals and meet lots of new people but also enhance my resume.
3) I have just discovered the webstite called "Meetup" which can hook you up with people with similar interests in your area. And it is free!
4) Going to Alanon meetings! I have met a lot of great people even if I am still working up the courage to ask some of them for their telephone numbers! Lol.
When I get the needy feelings even when I am out doing the above I find praying and reading literature helps.
