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My SoberAfriend clearly wants to resume our friendship that I broke of at Christmas. He's being a sweetheart and isn't pushy but I just cannot be around him. His craziness is better but not good and the base problems are still there and I get triggered over the smallest things he says or does.
I feel like I owe him an explanation- I've been doing the "it's not you, it's me" speach for 6 months, which of course is true enough. But it's going to keep being "me" as long as I don't trust him, which I don't see ending any time soon.
There's not really any way to say that that's kind, I don't think. Should I just skip the explanations? It seems disrespectful but explanations seem like they'd be worse.
Seems like you are putting you first which is so very important in recovery. Honesty is always the best policy...afterall think of all we feel when the A lies to us....I know for me it always pizzed me off so very much.
Maybe just be polite and say its both of us and try and be honest.
My SoberAfriend clearly wants to resume our friendship that I broke of at Christmas. He's being a sweetheart and isn't pushy but I just cannot be around him. His craziness is better but not good and the base problems are still there and I get triggered over the smallest things he says or does.
I feel like I owe him an explanation- I've been doing the "it's not you, it's me" speach for 6 months, which of course is true enough. But it's going to keep being "me" as long as I don't trust him, which I don't see ending any time soon.
There's not really any way to say that that's kind, I don't think. Should I just skip the explanations? It seems disrespectful but explanations seem like they'd be worse.
I don't have to justify my takeing care of me...As long as i keep focus on me, I can say, "hey, I wish you the best, but this is just not healthy for me, as I am working on my issues and cannot have anything undermining my recovery work....
when i end a relationship, sometimes b/c they are not going to "get it" or make amend anyway, so i don't waste my time....i just WALK....POOF and i am done with it
IF they are someone I feel, for me, that i need to say something., I keep focus on me...NO attacking statements, no working his inventory, i just keep it on my needs and my feelings....my health...and make it short and sweet..
like when i give notice to my bully bosses....i am just gonna say "this is not working for me..its not healthy....however, i want to do what is right by you all so Friday is my last day"....was gonna do it today, but something told me to "wait, squirrel a couple of paychecks away" but its COMING and i'll be BRIEF.....short and sweet
I love all the many acronyms here... especially dont forget JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. I like the 'it's not you, it's me' that's a good way/boundary to have to protect yourself but you could just say it's a trust issue. It takes time to build trust back up once it's been broken, it can take a very very long time of consistent trustworthy behavior.
I alway go to brutal honesty in my most personal relationships - and I'm emotional & cannot let unresolved emotional issues rest. Yes, I kick the dead horse. I like to deal with it as they occur & be able to release them in that same time frame - that's what I try to do is respond in the moment, if I can. So basically since I was sixteen, I have given myself free reign to be emotionally expressive in any/every situation.
You say he's being a sweet heart, that's wonderful ~ put the friendship first & protect/preserve what you have. I personally cannot be in a sexual relationship with an A b/c I too get triggered like fireworks. I just can't take it. For me in that kind of relationship I need honesty & enthusiastic willingness, like I have. A's lie so much, they have to have good recoveries for me to believe them. Otherwise I just sit there & LOL enjoying everything they say, knowing/believing none of it is true. (Guess I'm kinda jaded about A's.)
Good luck with it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One of the things I found out about my enabling character and behaviors was that I always judged and then second guessed myself, ended up in self doubt and then didn't say what I meant and do what I knew I should. Thank God for this program and those who came before me that could help me take a look at those things I did that didn't work for me and often not for the alcoholic also.
One of the solutions I arrived at was simply that "No" was a complete sentence and didn't need explanation or justification other than it was my decision. Of course it sounded at first like a foreign language and that was to be expected because I rarely responded to another persons needs without abandoning my own.
I also tried the "it's me and not you" dance and felt dishonest because many times I needed to but didn't say something more honest. "I'd rather not, thank you." I had to learn there was nothing I could project into saying no to another or guilt feeling from not participating. Much of recovery has been for me the freedom from fear.
Myself I simply say, you know I do care, however I am just not into it. I have enough going already. thank you.
done. If he calls, don't answer, block the number. cell texts ignore,don't read. It will stop.
The more energy you give people like this, the more they think there is a chance.
It is me not you is asking for them to think, hmmm how can I change that.
It is completely cutting off all communication, period that does it.
You know we don't always have to be nice. We can be neutral. I am just not into it.
My stupid brother/friend since high school still sometimes makes sexual inuendos. Makes my skin crawl.
I did not talk to him for months after I told him I could not be around him if he acts like that. Every once in awhile he says something, and bam I don't answer calls for a while. Then he stops again.
Anyway this is how I would handle it. love and hugs,debilyn
My stupid brother/friend since high school still sometimes makes sexual inuendos. Makes my skin crawl.
I did not talk to him for months after I told him I could not be around him if he acts like that. Every once in awhile he says something, and bam I don't answer calls for a while. Then he stops again.
#### YIKES...that happened to me....I met this guy on line and we wrote forever to each other...finally i gave him my cell (never my home phone) and he called and we would talk....then he made inappropriate sexual question to me....I told him that I found that revolting and "do not do it to me again".....he was 'ok" for a while then asked me what my "fantasies" were....I told him...1 strike you get boundary.....2 strikes, you are out....I didn't take his calls anymore....set my personal voice mail to the generic company VM...he called....i ignored.....he went away
i agree w/debilyn...when it is over...its over....NO contact....NO conversation....NOTHING.....
Thank you all for your replies. I don't want it to be over with this relationship forever. I just can't handle it now and I don' t know when I will be able to. But I don't want to burn bridges I love him dearly and hope he finds his path. It's not like he's having a great time.
I guess I'll hold off on the explanations until my HP gives me a sign. My friend will have to put up with it til then.
