The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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What are your thoughts on dating in early recovery...early meaning, 3 months, a sponsor, 3 or 4 meetings a week and per my sponsor "nailed step one (the only one you need to get perfect), passed step two and I am now on 3. Admittedly, I am having more issues with 3 then I did with 1 or 2 (I think it is the control freak in me).
Anyway, two years ago there was a vendor person who would come to our office every week and I had ABSOLUTELY no idea why and non of myother office mates I had thought a.) he was my type or b.) he was as gorgeous as I thought he was. They were right he is not my type but there was something about him, his eyes were so kind and comforting. Anyway, I was so drawn to him I would get so flustered that every week I was supposed to sign an invoice and give him the pink slip back and I was supposed to take the white...I did it correctly maybe 10 times in a year, if I was lucky!!! Then one day he came in and said he was assigned a new route!!! :( I was so disappointed yet was married (getting divorced I think) at the time so didn't really feel saying something would be ok, plus I am a chicken!!! :)
Anyway, I am by-spiritual (go to both AA & Alanon). I don't drink, don't have a desire to drink and have not drank in years but I would be lying if I didn't tell you that part of the choice to stop was that I never knew what would happen or if I could stop!!! A good indication that I should quit while I am ahead!!!
OMG, sorry!!! ADHD too!!!
Since re-commiting to Alanon in March, I also started doing a few AA meetings for perspective and to get ESH for the addicts team too. Low and behold the (I think is gorgeous) guy is in two of the AA meetings I go to. Usually, I waive, smile and just act like I don't like him, just in case he doesn't like me so I won't look like I would get hurt if he doesn't like me (does that make sense???? obviously it doesn't hence my necessary recovery). Well, last Tuesday night's meeting I walked up just to say HI, I had a very quick out because my Alanon meeting was starting in the room next door...so I felt safe just popping by with no fear of any awkward silences.
I walked up to him and he instinctively held out his hand and I instinctively put my hand in his and neither one of us realized it for about 10 seconds and when we both realized we were holding hands we slowly but awkwardly broke the hold and I said "I am off to my Alanon meeting next door" and he said "wow, two meetings in a row" and I said "it's my only social life (my way of saying "I am single without actually saying I am single"), and he nervously laughed and said "I know it's my only social life too" and we laughed and I said good bye and ran off to my Alanon meeting.
OK, so that is the background info...out of all of that the question is:
Should I feel guilty for having these feelings and feeling as though I may be waivering on my commitment. I am struggling with the commitment but only because of this one person and not for any other reason. BUT what if my HP has a different plan for me...maybe he put Tyler back into my life and it is his will and not mine. Either way, I am not acting on my will however difficult it is, but I am giving my will and life plan to my HP and see what happens.
I just wanted to share and any ESH would be greatly appreciated!!!
Ok, I'm confused what ur talking about at the end of your post regarding to "commitment". Is this the commitment to yourself (or to program) not to date in early recovery?
It seems you are newly divorced (am I getting that right) and it is true, in al-anon we suggest you dont make life altering decisions for 6 months to a year. In AA/NA they say, dont start a relationship for a year, so u have an opportunity to deal with your emotional stuff.
It sounds like you made a sweet connection with this guy. I personally think it is okay to be friends & take things very very slowly. Romantic stuff can definetley confuse us & get in our way. I tell other females to watch out for obsessing on a guy, it is death to us al-anons. We have to have us in focus first. We need heatlhy boundaries & the ability to detach or we are likely to get enmeshed & obsessed with another person, again.
We repeat our mistakes until we learn from them. No one can tell you if you're ready or what ur capable of or what to do. I would take it slow if u do work to develop a friendship - take ur time & keep the focus on YOU. The no dating rule, is for us to protect ourselves & to keep us focused on ouir program. Romantic relationships can be so distracting. Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Speaking for myself, I'm not the same person I was when I went in (for the better). If I'd gotten into a relationship 3 months in I think it would have derailed my recovery AND I'd likely be in a relationship that doesn't fit my current self.
It has been just over 2 years since I have been divorced. My ex-husband didn't start out an addict (well, a using addict that I knew of...I think he had the 'isms but was a dry addict) when we started and for many years after. He had a massive heart attack at 34 and open heart surgery, a quadruple bypass with 3 minor arteries. He must have struggled in the past with addiction but within the first 3 years he said he chose not to do drugs because he didn't like what they did to him and I believed that...after the heart attack and the the second one a year and a half later he decided he was going to die young so why not have fun!!! I waited for the man I married to come back but he never did.
The commitment was to myself. I determined that my will has gotten me nowhere fast and so I thought if I commited to myself and my HP, to date myself, to learn about myself and learn to trust myself and my HP that I would see or find a different path then the one I continue to walk expecting different results every time.
I am not ready and I knew the answer but was HOPING someone would give me the answer I wanted!!! :)
Kitty is right on..s-l-o-w. If you catch yourself obsessing, back off. No one is the same in recovery and having someone put time limits on what you do doesn't quite set right. If recovery is different for everyone, how can time limits be the same for everyone? Since he's going to AA I'd be particularly aware of what is going on and not get in to that dream state we all have put ourselves in..you know the one, where we tell ourselves all is well and we know better. Where we make excuses for huge red flags flapping in our faces. Then again, there may never be any. The key is awareness. Self awareness and A-ism awareness.
I've seen people say here that they would never ever consider an A in their lives ever again. That's up to them..but A's are people too with just a different disease then our own. It sure would suck if men said I'd never have anything to do with any woman that is/was codependant.
My husband is sober, but he is and always will be an A. He's the most kindest, gentle, loving man I have ever known. I'd walk every mile I have walked with him all over again if I knew this rainbow was at the end.
The universe places people in our lives for a reason. Either there is something to be learned or created from him or vice versa. My suggestion: Proceed with caution and always have your wellbeing in mind. If it doesn't work out, ask yourself what you learned from the experience. There's always something. It doesn't have to be a huge heartbreaking, dramatic ordeal. Not with boundaries and honesty involved.
Have fun Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Gosh! All of you are not giving me the answer I want BUT bright side, it is the answer I already knew!!!
Hee, hee, hee!!! Can't blame a girl for trying!!!
I am off for the weekend...I bought my own house but can't afford anything else :) so no internet at home!!!
Thank you all for you ESH!!! I do feel stronger and better!!! I guess if I just give up my control, I will be where I am supposed to be and my HP will give me the tools I need when I need them!!!
I guess I need to check my motives at the door and remember my path, with the ESH for other's (you all) who have walked the recovery path before me.
My biggest fear is s-l-o-w. I never do anything slow. I know I need to learn to do things slow but my instinct is to hop, hop, fast like a bunny!!! So, if I am questioning my ability to slowly enter into a "friendship" with the opposite sex than maybe I will just add the mantra that "if it is meant to be it will happen in gods time and not mine" and work on me!!!!
"Proceed with caution and always have your wellbeing in mind. If it doesn't work out, ask yourself what you learned from the experience. There's always something. It doesn't have to be a huge heartbreaking, dramatic ordeal. Not with boundaries and honesty involved. Have fun" -Christy
I couldnt agree with this more, it's gospel. I have to always take my awareness & be asking myself "what am I learning" so I can respond in my life. Or maybe this is how I operate from the perfectionism/acoa junk - I do know that's how I think... I'm hyper aware & its painful & Im always looking to change -- that makes the changing easier if I am in a constant state of it. Making your own changes is easier too then having life intervene & create drastic changes for you. But that's life & it still happens. Everything happens for a reason.
I too would jump into relationships, boys were great distractions that fed my ego wildly & I got plenty of power out of sexual relationships. Like wise, I was uber codie too. Most of the men I hopped into bed with, had I gotten to know them as people... I never would have slept with them in the first place. Men are people too, apparently.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 19th of June 2009 05:16:37 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I swore off boy girl stuff , in my mind, until i was in recovery for MINIMUM 1 YEAR.......I stuck to it
HOW can I see the red flags if i am not recovered enouf to see them???? WHAT am I gonna do re: boundaries, limits, if I don't know them yet????? HOW am I gonna get to know another b4 I know ME?????
Loving myself is the FIRST step b4 any love outside of me is gonna work in a healthy way.....I bring my sicknesses with me, so why not dump em in recovery for a year b4 i "taint" another relationship
3 months is not long enough......that is not time to extensively do step 4...the "fearless inventory of my strengths and weaknesses"....I had to do it several times b4 I got a good feel about WHO....WHAT i am.... so if I don't know ME, how can i take right care of me??? how can i "hold up my end" of any relationship of the op. sex???
my first intimacy , healthy intimacy was a sponsor of mine....I learned from her WHAT healthy interacting between people is...i had no clue....i was compliant/resentful all the time...step 4 should be where it came from....i did not give out of pure love, it was out of FEAR of abandonment...
the list goes on......
I am still "mateless" and may always be, BUT, IF HP has someone for me, I am not going to screw it up w/my coda and aca weaknesses.....i have a chance now and not messing up a relationship IF there is one planned for me.....either way, LOVE begins within......HEALING begins within......
Please keep coming back and keep up the good work on the steps....that is very healthy to be working those steps....they saved my life
