"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Lorilynn · Newbie

Alcoholic Husband..wont get help

blender_girl · Senior Member

(((Lorilynn))) My heart goes out to you.

You are in the right place - welcome to MIP.

I can so identify with your anger, hurt, resentment and confusion. I'm married to an A and we have 3 kids as well. It's been a real roller coaster ride over the past 25 years.

This program has helped me let go of a lot of these toxic emotions and replace them with gratitude and joy. I'm slowly getting my life back. I'm no where near where I want to be, but now I have hope that I can get there. And hope is something I didn't have for a long time.

I urge you to seek some sort of protection as you mentioned physical violence. If all else fails, go to a shelter - in my opinion, the first order of business is for you to take care of yourself and your kids. No one has to put up with abuse - physical, verbal or emotional. It sounds to me like you're getting all 3 at the present time.

Look in the white pages for Al-Anon meetings in your area. Get to face to face meetings, get your older kids to Alateen. If you can't make the f2f meetings, there are 2 online here per day. If your kids can't get to Alateen, you can still help them by helping yourself. Giving them a healthy mom is probably the best thing you can do for them.

You did the right thing in coming here - I hope you and your precious kids are safe.

Take what you like and leave the rest,

bg

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Lorilynn,
That has got to be so tough. I don't know what to tell you--new here myself. I just want to say I am glad you are here and some of the Big Guns will come along any minute now and give you some words of wisdom.
I know how it is to be so beaten down by harsh words that I can hardly think, let alone take care of myself. Somehow mothers usually find a way to pull it all together for their children. I am sure you have options that you don't realize right now, and as you "talk it out" here and listen to what the ones who have made great strides in recovery have to say, you will be able to see more clearly.
You have done a good thing by coming here. You have some work skills. You have more resources than you are aware of. Hold on, and be ready to listen to what some great people will tell you..
Welcome,
Temple

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Welcome to Alanon! You are in the right place.

I can relate SOOOO much to everything you posted. My mother was an A and now my son's father is an A (I just left him 1 month and 7 days ago). I guess I got lucky my A wasn't violent. But he was verbally abusive, controlling, manipulating and even that I am gone he still tries to control me.

I think it is very common for A's to put the blame on others. I know my A did it often and admitted it a couple times. He knew he kept messing up, it made him feel guilty/hurt, so he wouldn't feel like this he pushed the blame to me in many different ways. Everything was my fault. Of course I know that it was not my fault and I can't make him do things. I can fix him, I can't change him and I can't control him. He would constantly make up lies to somehow put the blame on me and at times we tell me 2-3 different things. I often think that at times he believes his own lies because he lies so much.

He was very poisonous and toxic to me and my kids. I have been here 6 months and I can't even explain to you how much Alanon has helped me. I have learned sooo much and have been working on changing myself.

I have learned that I am powerless over alcohol and my A is powerless over it as well. My life is unmanageable. I once heard someone share and she discussed how we are always waiting for A's to hit rock bottom, stop drinking and turn their life around. But we need to look at ourselves and decide when are we goign to hit rock bottom (I had enough of his drinking, late nights out, lies, lies and lies..). During this time I worked on Step 2 I came to BELIEVE that a power higher than me COULD one day restore me to sanity. It might not happen today, but one day. It wasn't easy for me to do. I am not a religious person at all and so many told me that doesn't matter.

During this time I quit worrying about what my A was doing. I started minding my own business. I set boundaries for ME, I detached, I did things for me. I started worrying about me, minding my own business. It's easier said than done especially if you have been around A's so long. But one day at a time I worked on it. Progress not Perfection! And each day it got easier and easier. I was still extremely hurt and sad, but in some way I was more at peace. I was starting to find serenity and when I first came here I had no clue what that word meant.

I learned the slogan let go and let god. I can't control things and when I try to I just let it go and ask god to take care of it. My A wasn't just an A he also had a sex addiction. He started cheating on me (don't know who if/when or how many times he did in the 3 yrs we were together--he still insists he never did). To make a long story short it got to the point where he would say Im not buying food or this or that if you don't have sex with me. So I would say hurtful things to him and he kept telling me to move out knowing I had 2 kids, no job and no where I was willing to go.. So whatever one day I just couldn't take it and I packed up EVERYTHING but his clothes (it was all mine) and left while he was at work. He foudn out and came home on his lunch break with the cops. First thing he says to the cops is she is on the lease can't you make her stay here? The cops just looked at him like ummm no she can leave if she wants. He tried telling the cops my son's bed he bought so I had to keep it there. the cops said no she is taking the kids you aren't married she gets ALL kids items.

I left 1 month and 7 days ago. He still says to me you had everything paid for you should not have left with no where to go, no job. Im staying with my A mother and A brother. I worry about today and only today. It wasn't easy at all to leave. I am testing for a descent work from home job and will know next week if I get it. If I do it will be enough for me to get my own apartment! Im doing okay now. I just have to remember to keep coming back and know I am not perfect and somedays I will mess up, but for today I have serenity and hope that things will get better. I know my HP only puts me through what he knows I can make it through.

-- Edited by Melissa21 on Thursday 18th of June 2009 11:50:24 PM

Lorilynn · Newbie

Thank you all for your inspiring words.
Last night was another dramatic event. He came home at 10:30pm...Drunk would be a nice word...He was inebriated. I was in our bed with my 6 year old daughter. She was sleeping I was awake. He came into the room...barely walking...staggering...laughing in a drunk kinda way. For some reason amused.
He tries to touch me. I told him to get away from me and shoved him hard. He continues to walk around the bedroom with his pants falling down to mid calf...
I looked at him and just thought " what a disgusting slob you are". Pull up your pants...take a shower..you stink! He then plops onto the bed...to pass out.
Mind you..my daughter is in my bed..He is half on top of her. I go to pick her up and take her into her bed..her grabs her legs very very hard. I told him to get off of her...wtf are you doing a$$h><e.
I then put her into her bed.
I return to the bedroom to call the police and have this drunk mess removed.
They come...more drama. He slept in our detached garage.
So here I am today thinking, when does this end. He just got a dwi may 2.
His first might I add.
Its only a matter of time before he gets another. Its like playing roulette with your life and other people that have to be on the road with you. So UNFAIR.
I can only pray that today he is at work and maybe just maybe today will be the day he decides to get help. Probably not. I'm sure it will once again be MY FAULT for calling the cops...yada yada. Its always me.
well...anyway.thanks for all the advice..looking forward to read more.

silver brumby · Member

(((((Lorilynn!!))))
I so know how it feels to be that angry, it just chews you up.
You have come to the right place. There is nowhere else but in Alanon where you can connect with people who understand.
Alanon is shelter from the storm. And eventually, you will find yourself in a peace ful place, just keep coming back and go to meetings.
YOu will have a desparate desire to find a solution and stop him drinking and may even be disappointed when you go to your first meeting as nothing may seem to happen as you want it to.
But what I have found is we become so deluded even though we don't drink that we really don't know what the real world is like out there. We are so intense and emotional.
I so wanted to be normal and just live like normal people.
My husband also says, "what am I doing wrong? YOu are just insane, controlling and manipulating me. I like having a beer" (lol, a whole carton!!)
I was insane alright! With hate and anger and fear. He always had me afraid.
And then I would back flip and love him intensely and be all sorry. It's madness.
My heart goes out to your children.
I asked my husband to leave 4 months ago before I died of stress, I was so sick I could hardly move, so unhappy all the time.
I have a 13 year old son too and he was tense and quiet and edgy all the time.
Since we haven't had to live with the alcoholic behaviour we are so happy.
It took me 15 years to finally get the courage to make a stand biggrin

and now, everyday, I just get better and better. smile

My son is so loving to me and so relaxed too. aww

For me to separate has been the best thing. I was surviving in an awful situation.
I only have a small income, but amazingly my HIgher Power makes sure i have enough.
I would rather eat crusts and live in a tent and have peace than live the way I was living!!
Keep coming back friend, we understand, we really do.... just take your time.
Think through everything. YOu can't stop him drinking or make him love you.
Alcoholics can't love anyone. But you can love yourself and your kids and keep yourselves safe. Take care
Silverbrumby

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I must be too emotional today, your post made me cry! Cannot stand it you are going thru this.

The best thing for us to do is go to meetings and get our kids in Alateen.

As far as what he says, it means nothing. It is all the alcohol talking. He does not feel that way.

You know when you get so tired you say things you don't mean? Multiply that by thousand.

Addicts will choose their drug over everyone and everything. Every time!!

There is zero you can do for him.

It is you and the kids that you can help. "Getting Them Sober." A great book by Toby Rice Drews. Easy to read, as we become very sick by the A's disease we need easy stuff>

Excuse my keyboard it goes wakey> We have a chat room here and there are meetings in there> lots of help there.

Go here to find meetings in your area:

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information.

Another good place on the Internet to find out about Al-Anon on the Internet is at Online Al-Anon Outreach at:

http://www.ola-is.org/

A wonderful member posted this for us. It is up on the top of the message board under Frequently asked questions.

All of us have been through what you are, different situations, same pain, fear and sickness.

Hate is a hard emotion. I always thought of it as love frustrated.

I had to start separating myself from the A entirely. I know it is hard, but unless you can get you and the kids out of there or if you have a desire to, al anon can teach you how to detach from him and his disease.

I hope you stay, read posts,

love,debilyn

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Im sorry you went through all that last night. It is very likely when he comes home he will want to start an arguement for the cops coming and whatever else reason he can come up with.

My sponsor told me it takes 2 people to fight. You do not have to accept his invitation. When I learned this I would just tell my A i am not going to argue with you right now. I do not want to talk about this because it will lead to an argument and I am no longer going to argue with you. I was surprised it worked as good as it did. I would just ignore him and he would get irritated but he eventually would shut up. He didn't like talking to himself. I have learned many alcoholics like to start arguments because it gives them a reason to leave to the bar, or to the liquor store to come home and drink. And they will say well you sat and argued with me, you did this, you did that so I got drunk. It's your fault. But really it's NOT your fault. For some reason they need to give themselves a reason to drink often and don't want the blame on themselves.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

"We are financially tied to each other...we cannot afford to seperate"

Hi there, and welcome to MIP.... You've already received a whole bunch of great replies, and they are all bang on the mark.... working on YOU is the single most valuable thing you can do right now.....

I copied the one line from your post and would ask you to try to look at this one from more perspectives..... from the emotional devastation you are going through - both you and your children, you may have to change that statement to "we cannot afford NOT to separate".... Now please, I'm not suggesting that you should or shouldn't - that is very much your decision..... All I'm saying is to keep an open mind to your options, and this is not solely a financial decision..... I chose to leave... many others choose to stay..... either situation can be managed, and you will know, in time, which is the right one for you....

Take care
Tom

N8SMOM · Senior Member

You've already gotten so much good advice, there's not much more I can offer up except maybe my sympathy that you and your children have to go through this. It's always hard when children are involved and my heart broke when I read about your son texting his father and not even getting a response.

Take care of yourself and your children because you are the most important people right now. Let him take care of himself!

Good luck and a BIG HUG to you and your kids.

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

First.........I would get a good sponsor....12 steps...meetings.....ALL program parts and WORK it...

Second.....with violence sometimes you do not get a 2nd change...Picture this scenario.......He gets worse b/c you stay....He kills you.....He goes to jail...Your dead....KIDS end up in separate foster homes and they lose BOTH of you..........Can you really afford to stay???? This guys is escalating...I can see it in your post.....first they start w/verbal...then it gets crazy , then violence...and THAT gets worse....and one of you can end up dead...........who loses???? the children....

Third----re: the credit...assuming he does not kill you .....you can negotiate w/credit card companies, IF he was the one who applied and you did not use that card w/any transactions...

IF you did that both of you are liable for payments.......IF he used YOUR cards, then you are liable and still...IF you can negotiate w/ a debt settlement company, they can negotiate a "doable" rate for you that you can pay off...to heck w/his credit cards...find out what YOU are liable for and just leave his....

FOURTH....many woman's shelters, if you have no other safe place to go and turn you on to meets, and help, financial, etc...

but you cannot afford NOT to leave...that is the bottom line.....CAN you afford to keep STAYING?????

you are still alive, you CAN p/up your life, hard but doable, but you are ALIVE.....

I am reading your post....I see him getting worse.... this situation, i can almost guarantee is gonna get worse.....

so you are collecting unemp. at least that is SOME money and even the state can help you maye w/training to start over.....

just sugesstions here.....I know it is your life and i empathize w/you, but the children are getting the "fall out" from this.....they NEED you and need you ALIVE...SANE.....

It is time for you to care for YOU, so you can raise up these little ones.......

There is always hope, and sometimes it comes with one step at a time...you are hiting bottom, the only thing, it looks like to lose is your kids and your LIFE...

Your choice....PLEASE keep working the program and focus on YOU.....your life depends on it.....ANd your sanity...

Please keep us posted....

Lorilynn · Newbie

all of your advice is been soooo much appreciated.
I have not yet been to a meeting. I don't know why? Scared. I really dont know.
He is home today..watching Defiance with the boys..I tried to talk to him...He wants no part of conversation.
I wish he would just leave...really!
I wouldnt be upset...just very very relieved.

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Lorilynn wrote:

I have not yet been to a meeting. I don't know why? Scared. I really dont know.
i was scared, too re: my first meet, but what is scarier??? your situation or a meeting where you will find acceptance/support and maybe some ideas on HOW TO LEAVE.......
do you have a safe place to go??? family??? friends???? the clock is ticking here.....

He is home today..watching Defiance with the boys..I tried to talk to him...

He wants no part of conversation.
are you surprised???? I would not "tick him off" by trying to talk with a guy who is NOT interested and dangerous by the looks of your first post.........its your choice.....me??? I left my 2nd alkie w/ my girlfriends truck full of my belongings, and left EVERY thing behind... My life was more important......Life can be restored, if i am NOT nuts or NOT dead

I wish he would just leave...really!
Why should he when he knows that he can scare you and stay....he knows you are afraid of him....why should he leave when he does not have too????? dropping the restraining order showed him that he can get by with anything he wants.....when we dont' stand on our boundaries, our words, threats, mean ZERO......he is not going to leave, hes got it made.....

I wouldnt be upset...just very very relieved.
i don't see him leaving....like his diseased mind....its gonna take "treatment" to get rid of a disease.....I wish I knew his weakenesses.....I had a boyfriend i could not get rid of he was in my face all the time.....found out he hated bad hygine and gross behaviour....so i began being a "slob".....really had to work at it b/c i am tidy and dignified....but i did it....subtle....he did not even know what was coming..
this guy already knows he is not having to leave....he can stay, make you miserable and own your power until you TAKE it BACK....
i am terribly sorry to see any human being be tormented like this.....
and whats scary is when i was living at home w/ evil father, I "befriended my abuser...I *thought* I could not get away, even at the "age of majority"...i was already too mentally and emotionally ill at the time to say "OK i am 18, i can go"...NOOOO it does not work that way....in my mind he had convinced me i was trapped....HIS!!!!! .. so I just "made friends with it"...oh yea, I made "token" protests, rebelling, then FINALLY the cork snapped...it was time to take care of me b4 something catastrophic happened!!!!
my poisoning him was not working well enough...yea, he would get sick for a few days and then back to his evil..... AND I did not want to kill him and end up in hell and being his mistress forever so I did something ELSE to escape....
he had me in a financial bind....I worked for him at his business and his "wages to me" was using my drunken mom's car and wages so low that I had NO ability to leave....my wages were her car....room and board...food and his "visits" to my bedroom...no way was i gonna afford an escape....he knew it, that is why he "paid" me like that....BUT----He underestimated me!!!
I got a brainstorm!!!!!! .....I kinda giggle when I think of it but it got me out of evil's path...Lord forgave me b/c he did not want me being my own father's "plaything either"
Working for him, I had the keys to the office and the warehouse (we sold commercial washers and dryers for laundromats and hospitals/prisons, etc)....
After much planning, I got a bunch of blank invoices..... waited for him to go on vacation w/drunken mom AND when they were on the plane, THAT following Sunday was the day of my "garage sale"
He had TONS of enemies..people whom he had screwed and they wanted REVENGE with a capital "R".......so there was no prob. handing out "invites" to my sale....CASH sales only....nothing traceable to me......Sun . am, when all was quiet around the neighborhood....No business were close to us anyway, he owned property and it was "tucked away" kinda set back w/ trees and shrubs surrounding it....PERFECT for the robbery I had in mind.....I threw open the warehouse over head door and customers who wanted to "get back at him" were waiting in their cars....I sold everything that was not built in the building....we had washers....dryers.....ironing devices.....special extractors....office furniture....adding machines.....desks, you name it, I sold it....wrote up a phone invoice w/ my left hand and took my cash..
Sale ended Sunday evening....I raced home...packed up my belongings...thank God i had no horses or dogs at the time (he loved to kill or hurt pets to punish and coerce compliance).....I packed up my clothes in army duffel bags contributed by my boyfriend...my stereo..personal goods.....moved them to my girlfriend's house.....
i hid out at her place till it was time to fly accross the country to california........I took the cash to a bank and got travellors checks.......put them in a bag and pinned it to my underwear and i boarded the plane...my girlfriend shipped the rest of my stuff, via a very good mover , under HER name,
the abuser came home, according to my brother who hates his guts too and according to "brother-friend" he drove to the shop after they got home...The place was EMPTY....the toilets and sinks and built in shelving was all he could see.........NOTHING else...he was shattered....In shock....Face dropped to the FLOOR...."where is my BUSINESS???" he must have cried, as I was putting my $$$ in a california bank....
my "customers" all hated him so I knew they wouldn't say anything...they paid cash and got a great deal for their "garage sale" items......
the look on his face had to have been priceless....wish i was a fly on the wall when he saw he had been "cleaned out" by his OWN victim....
the *prey* had turned *predator*....I knew I would get him "one day"...I just had to wait...think....plan....when I found out they wre going to Bermuda, I knew what I was gonna do, but I had to be "cool"...plan it right!!!!
the satisfaction i got out of that was indescribable......my brother and i shared many laughes about it.........i walked away, or i should say FLEW away, with thousands of dollars to start my new life........he was in massachusetts, i flew to california......very few people, (all hated him) knew where i was....."POOF" and I was gone!!!!! my room where he tormented me was cleaned out....also i relieved him of some of his "fenceable" jewelry....fogot about that!!!! i sold it to various folks who hated him too....again, NOT traceable...AND a lot of these folks had been in our house....THEY could have taken the watch or ring or bracelet..........
yea, the beast got his....I think my alkie mom knew who was responsible...i mean look!!! business is cleaned out and daughter is no where to be found.........and IF he called the cops...what fingerprints were they gonna find and how were they gonna prove it???? Where we were situated, NOONE could have seen the "sale"....i picked a day where ANY neighboring businesses were CLOSED...it was QUIET!!!! just like I had planned...
i think alkie mom got a vicarious sense of joy out of my caper....I knew his day would come and i was happy to be the prime mover of it....i know, God says "vengeance is mine" however I just could not let the good ole Lord have all the fun!!!
i stayed in calif. for several years...i was very emotionally sick..needing psychiatric help....drank too much, but basically i taught myself bookkeeping and got in with a cpa who loved me and saw a brilliant mind even if I was screwed up...i apprenticed for him for a few years....he passed away and left me his clientel......
yea, i was messed up , but everyone trusted me IF they were not my enemy, LOL....my abuser is quite another story...He is the only one I ever ripped off....I did it b/c it was the ONLY way i was gonna get away from him....i would run away and move in w/a friend and he would "stalk me" come over and try and see me like this jealous boyfriend.....so I had to do the "garage sale" to get rid of him....
as a person who is inheritantly honest, that was a hard thing for me to do...Am I sorry???? I am sorry he was so evil, i had to use my MORE clever mind to resort to stealing to save my life....he was sucking the life out of me like this awful spider...i was caught in his web and regularly when he hungered for my young flesh, like the spider he was, he would crawl down the tendrills of his web, where I was trapped and suck more life out of me.....
it was resort to what i did or go hopelessly insane OR kill him which I began fantasizing about...the ant poison was at the ready for me to just "dose" him not to make him sick but to stop his evil life....
yea, I had to leave...and leave I did......
OK, i rambled on your post enough...its time to eat....
I am not suggesting you pull the crazy, daring thing that I did, but whatever you do, i hope it is fast b/c time is running against you...like me, I was in horrible danger.....

Lorilynn · Newbie

wow!!
That was an amazing story. Good for you.
As far as me..I am going to go to a meeting. The kids are out of school now and I have nothing but time.
I look around and it's amazing how alcoholism isn't prejudice against anyone.
We have a BIG Beautiful house, took 3 vacations a year,our kids are in private school....and now broke and busted. Im so mad at myself because I let him do this to my family. I guess it just saddens me to know that he is just so selfish.
His day will come soon. I know it. I guess you just keep hoping that he will wake up ...get help before its too late. Is there no success stories?
I dont know. I always just wanted to help him, but right now it really doesnt seem like an option...I guesst thats why it hurts.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"