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Well avoiding communicating your real feelings to an A is somthing I am guilty of, when I try it's met with, well you did this or you did that, thier back goes up and you close down, your dealing with someone that can't, won't, doesn't understand normal, so today this morning I said to my husband your behaviour is unacceptable, there are things you do which damage me, I ask you to stop and you carry on and I can't do this anymore, I have loved that man the only way I know how, and his mistreatment of me has left me feeling helpless and alone, I said why do you tell me to sleep with other men and then when I say this really isn't right you say to me thats loving you, how many men would let their wives do that, I would say I don't want a husband that says that, it's plain wrong, I know I am a mess today but I also know I am feeling my feelings and that things are coming to an head and I have to face them, Denial has been abig part of my illness too, denying myself the respect I deserve, I'm frightened and I'm scrared and it's a horrible feeling, onother concern I have is, our children, I don't want them to know why I really need to end our marriage and because I can't I don't think they think I'm being fair, I don't want to divulge what is really behind this because it would damage their relationship with their father and I don't want that, any advice would be welcome I am in bits right now.
I feel for you, its very damaging to have these things said to you, I try to remember its the illness talking, often the a's in my life had no sense of reality so now I refuse to take on board their twisted sense of reality. You need to think of you and I did not go into detail with the children but they knew, however I do not know, I was shocked at that years later,
I agree with Maire, I think the kids know whether we tell them or not. But it's good that you want them to have a good relationship with their dad. He is saying very damaging things to the relationship and he doesn't realize this, this is denial and part of the disease of alcoholism. Your doing good standing up for your rights and feeling your feelings. Take care and be careful, if he is saying you can sleep with other men, then he quite possibly is sleeping around too. There are too many diseases running rampant to do this, so take care of you!
I said why do you tell me to sleep with other men and then when I say this really isn't right you say to me thats loving you, how many men would let their wives do that, I would say I don't want a husband that says that, it's plain wrong, I know I am a mess today but I also know I am feeling my feelings and that things are coming to an head and I have to face them, Denial has been abig part of my illness too, denying myself the respect I deserve, I'm frightened and I'm scrared and it's a horrible feeling, onother concern I have is, our children, I don't want them to know why I really need to end our marriage and because I can't I don't think they think I'm being fair, I don't want to divulge what is really behind this because it would damage their relationship with their father and I don't want that, any advice would be welcome I am in bits right now.
##### omg, if ANY of my prev. men told me to sleep w/others, that would do it for me...That is the ultimate , to me, in disrespect and betrayal of my sacred marriage vows....Did he say that b/c HE is doing it and to assuage his guilt???? I have NEVER seen , on the boards, a post where the guy tells his WIFE to sleep w/other men.....i am shocked and saddened for you to have had this said to you....... and yea, the kids, I sure wouldn't want them to know that.....as to denial?? join the club....i rationalized, minimized, justifyed till I was ready to face the truth....I was in a NO win situation.....Dear Lord, I am so sorry for you I can't even really post much...I am praying for you to take care of you......PEACE be with you....
I am sorry you are going through this. My A started sleeping with other women and wanted me to accept it. I moved out 1 month and 6 days ago. I love him very much, but I wasn't happy. Whether or not he was with someone else I still wasn't happy. I think I had been in denial for so long and I was just scared to leave him. I have 2 children one isn't his but he does really good with her most of the time. During this time I have seen a lot what his disease has done to him and it's sad, but I can't fix or change or help him. If he doesn't want to I can't let it be my problem I have to live my own life and Let him Live. It's easier said than done, but worth it!!
It often helps me to sit and categorize things that make me angry and I will ask myself is this something because of the disease or is this something he would actually do and normally it's the disease. He is hurting and turns it around to hurt me, put the blame on me when I didn't cause him to do anything. We all have our own choices.
My sponsor always told me when I don't know what to do, do nothing at all. Just THINK. I wrote out pros and cons of staying or going. And still now that I am gone often I want to go back but I sit and write a list of why I left and even though I am hurt and sad now in a way I am more happy than I was before.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I am sorry you are going through this. My A started sleeping with other women and wanted me to accept it. I moved out 1 month and 6 days ago. I love him very much, but I wasn't happy. Whether or not he was with someone else I still wasn't happy. I think I had been in denial for so long and I was just scared to leave him. I have 2 children one isn't his but he does really good with her most of the time. During this time I have seen a lot what his disease has done to him and it's sad, but I can't fix or change or help him. If he doesn't want to I can't let it be my problem I have to live my own life and Let him Live. It's easier said than done, but worth it!!
It often helps me to sit and categorize things that make me angry and I will ask myself is this something because of the disease or is this something he would actually do and normally it's the disease. He is hurting and turns it around to hurt me, put the blame on me when I didn't cause him to do anything. We all have our own choices.
My sponsor always told me when I don't know what to do, do nothing at all. Just THINK. I wrote out pros and cons of staying or going. And still now that I am gone often I want to go back but I sit and write a list of why I left and even though I am hurt and sad now in a way I am more happy than I was before.
I know taking care of me hurts in teh shorter run, but i think of all the misery that I prevented by leaving...Enough was enough....I like the list writing...I do it b4 I do anything major...Write pros and cons and turn it over to HP.....and i can relate to "more happy then I was b4"....My 2nd A was the hard one to cut with, but I did not want to see him die....I hurt, BIG time, but I am more at peace and more happy then I would have had I "stuck with him"....He just did NOT want recovery...END of case...END of relationship...I want an EQUAL/ loving/ respectful/honourable/faithful/monogamous/loving/supportive/good friend/dependable/moral mate or FORGET it...If I can give it??? I want to recieve it.....I am holding out for what I deserve...If there is noone for me?? That is ok too..HP will provide what I need....
