The material presented
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HI. Im new to this so not sure where to start. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic ex-cocaine addict for three years now. He was a drug addict for 10 years and decided 2 years ago that enough was enough and gave up. He has been clean ever since. He has always been a drinker but things were just getting worse and worse. He was never one who spent all his time in the pub or got very drunk all the time. He is more of a four or five cans every day person. That wasn't the problem to me but when he had a few more than that he just changed. He turns into a dark, resentful person who is full of hate - usually directed at me and he is terrifying. Its like being in the house with a stranger. He has dead eyes and doesn't care if i cry or am afraid of him - in fact that makes him even worse. The verbal abuse has been really hard to handle as i ended up feeling really worthless and that he couldn't love me and be able to treat me this way. I need to add that when he's not drinking he is fine and we get on really well. Anyway, after a particularly bad incident a few weeks ago i think he finally realised he'd gone too far and has got help. He has been to the doctor and has been to see a councillor to try to find out why he behaves so badly and feels the need to drink every day. All this he decided to do for himself and not because i told him he had to. This all sounds positive but my problem is that i have been left an anxious wreck. I am obsessed with him drinking again and im scared to death that if he does then i will have to say enough is enough and leave him. I don't want to leave him and am trying to support him while he gets help. I feel like other people will think i'm a fool for staying with him after all he has done to me. I don't feel like i have anyone who understands what i'm going through. We don't have an al-anon group here as i live in the middle of knowhere. I get upset and angry all the time but when i try to get some support from him he just gets angry at me and says im making him feel bad because he knows he's done this to me. I feel like im not allowed to be sad in case i make him upset and then he will just drink again. I thought if i could get support from somewhere else then i could become stronger and more able to deal with my emotions and deal with him while he gets help. Am i doing the right thing to stay with him and try to help him? I'm so confused and lost, i just don't know what to do. We have a 14 month old son together and he is just the best father i could ever want for our son. I so much want to keep our family together but i'm so scared about what might happen. Any advice would be great. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Glad you found this site oran. It has been a great help to me when I can't get to a f2f al-anon meeting. Sounds like your bf has made a good choice and is getting himself help. Now you have made a good choice and have come here and can get help for yourself.
The alcoholic will do what the A will do, so we can not change them. We can support them in their recovery, but we can't do it for them. Because we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it (the three C's, as they're called).
I am sorry you don't have a f2f meeting where you are, they're very helpful. But we have two meetings a day in the chat room if you want to go to one. They are very much like a f2f meeting, just on-line. The times are 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. e.s.t. Monday through Friday. 10 a.m. Saturday and Sunday morning. And 9 p.m. and 7 p.m. Sat. and Sun. respectively.
Don't worry about what "others" might think if you stay with him, or leave, that is your choice. We in al-anon don't advise either way. We do suggest that you have six months in the program before making any life changing choices. It is just as possible that things will work out with the program and you will learn new ways of coping with things.
You said, "I feel like im not allowed to be sad in case i make him upset and then he will just drink again." There's nothing you can do or not do to make him drink again. If he's going to drink again, that is his choice. You did not cause it. Like I said A's will do what A's do. They will either chose to get help for themselves or they will drink. We can not control what they do, but we can chose to take care of us and get on our own road to recovery and suprisingly when one gets better sometimes the other does too. It doesn't always happen like that, but sometimes it does. It's a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.
Again welcome to the MIP group and we're glad you are here.
Thanks so much for replying to me. I'm actually in Scotland but will check the time difference and try to get on-line for the meetings. We don't seem to have an online service in this country but i don't suppose it matters what country you're in , the problems are the same. Its hard to accept that there is really nothing i can do to change by bf's attitude to drinking unless he chooses to himself. I will try though and i'm really hopeful that i can get stronger through taking advice and working through the program. Thanks again.
Oran, you are, quite simply NOT THAT POWERFUL- to make someone drink or not. Its an illusion many of us who came into these rooms arrived with- that we are to blame and that we have that level of influence. WE DO NOT plain and simple.
A power greater than ourselves is the only entity that can restore us, them to sanity.
Of course, the alkies want to blame us and anyone outside of themselves for all their bad behaviors and problems. Its a key characteristic of the disease. "Look what you made me do".
Our job is to keep the focus on ourselves. identify what they say and do as "crazytalk" and dismiss it with love.
I go w/java.....I would go to recovery for at LEAST 6 months, b4 I made serious decision, UNLESS i am in immediate physical danger....
Please keep working on you...the only thing you can change is YOU....we can love a person, but we cannot BE a person
maybe if you allow him to suffer the consequences of his deeds, it will surely not hurt, that is for sure...AND it will relieve you of having to feel responsible for him....
I, myself, had I known then what I know now, I would never have even TOUCHED any of my 2 alkies...I would not have married them...Life is just too shore and there is enough *preventable* pain thats lookin for me, I would not go out and purchase more, but I did and I learned some hard lessons...
i didn't cause them to drink...I could be the biggest b**** in the world but i am NOT the cause
i cannot control thier drinking or bad behaviour...they have their own lives, their own choices...i am never powerful enough to cause/change/control/cure anyone...i can set an example with my good behaviour, my healthyness and its utimately their choice
i cannot cure them....only God and even God or HP cannot do anything if it is not sought...God/HP will not violate our boundaries by pushing him/herself and recovery onto anyone......
so, my prayers go out to you.....to me?? i am pain out by drunks/users.....I have had enough of them....i occasionally drink...i HAVE to do meds for my ptsd, otherwise, I wouldn't touch ANYthing....drinkers/ users have no place in my now quiet, peaceful, healthy life,...yea, i have my own recovery issues to work on and a subsance abuser need not apply here.....too many wounds...too much pain has tainted my life......NO MORE!!!
that is my take, please , you gotta do what you gotta do......i am just giving MY experience on my life.......take care.
Please find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself if your going to continue this relationship u need support , an addiction is an addiction and addict will become addicted to alcohol just as he did his drugs . he is the perfect father !!! sorry but perfect fathers don't abuse the mother of thier children . he may be only 14 months but u can bet what he's learning from dad is not good . they miss nothing , they feel the tension , the fear and it affects them too. Get the focus back on yourself as u are the only one u can change you have no control over other people or what they do . nothing u say or do will make them stop and they will continue til thier done . period Your not the reason he is doing this , it is his problem leave it with h im where it belongs . Louise
welcome, oran. i just joined and started posting and replying on this board a week ago and it's humbling and wonderful how many people out here really care. keep coming back :)
i'm confused and lost too. a lot of us here are or were. we know how you feel. and i must reiterate that even though it's the HARDEST lesson, one has to let go of the A. it sucks. it's hard. especially when you still live together and especially when you have a child together. sometimes i think i have let go and then the wonderful people here let me know that, um, no. i'm still trying to control one aspect or another of my AH. it's insidious, this disease and how it affects everyone in the family.
