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Just wanted to give a little update with how it worked out on setting the boundaries with my boyfriend. He has done every single one of the things that I laid out. I am meeting his dad and step mom this weekend and he has already told them about us. He got tested for std's. I have been slipping on the condom issue but that is my own doing and I have to decide if I want to do that or not in the long term. Anyway, this bad thing turned out to be a good thing for now and I'm going to see where this takes me.
On another note, I talked to my EX AH last night and got the whole I want to be with my family - I miss my family talk. He sounded pitiful (another sign he is using again in my book). I really didn't know what to say but the conversation made me feel uncomfortable and I haven't had that feeling since he got out of jail. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here. I was thinking in the car on the way to work this morning. If he's not using while they are with him then is it ok for them to be there then? I'm still not sure how I feel about that because my intent is not to punish him for using, I want to give him the opportunity to see them my intent is to protect them. If he's not using when he's with them they are not in any immediate danger other than the emotional effects of his ups and downs but he is always happy when he is with them and kind to them (so far anyway). I feel that I need to have my oldest daughter there if they visit again because she is capable of recognizing things going downhill and calling me. Him feeling sorry for himself is usually a sign of things not going well and a big trigger to him using. Anyhow, there's nothing I can do now but watch and wait and see what happens. I'm leaving the state for the first week of July so I'm thinking I will avoid dealing with him until I get back in the 2nd week of July and then we'll see what's what. He usually ends up in trouble with the law fairly quickly after he starts using again.
-- Edited by carolinagirl on Wednesday 17th of June 2009 08:12:18 AM
Old patterns hang on like an orangatan with only one tree!!! Even when the behavior gave me pain/worry/angst/ so much I had to set boundaries/or was constantly worried/always thinking of them and not me/having to always protect me/anxiety/no peace/trying to force them to do my bidding. , , I still could not give it up. The fact that it was my comfort zone made it tolerable, knowable, somewhat manageable, and far less scary than trying something new..(HEALTHY people/places/things)....People and places and things we dont' have to *force* and/or set continual boundaries on...OR risk our health trying to keep them/it...
However we are lucky because now we have a place to go...IF WE WANT IT....where it is safe to try new behaviors. We can get rid of, self-defeating patterns , working the 12 Twelve Steps...Meetings...Sponsor...being WILLING to change ME...
The ones on the recovery path do it b/c they WANT a new life. I am DONE with the old ways that no longer work.
And I have come to believe that change is possible if I SEEK /REACH out for it in the right place. Recovery is the right place! At my meetings I can see others who, like me, are trying on new behaviors and making better lives for themselves... I am an example for others....., and give thanks that I said "ENOUGH pain...I want a NEW way..Whatever it takes, even if the work is hard and painful...I WANT to be happy and joyous and FREE!!! So I drug me into the 12 steps and SERIOUS recovery and I CHANGED....
I changed all areas of my life....I am getting free of the old patterns....I wanted it...claimed it....worked for it.....I am reaping the harvest of the GOOD and HEALTHY seed I am NOW sowing...
Take what you can use and dump the rest......good luck on your choices!!!!!
Carolina, I know you are busy. Have you been to any meetings or read any literature? Responded here. (I am so behind reading!,thank goodness to our other great members!) Anyway It helps me to continue on my Al Anon journey as I still learn and it keeps me on my path.
I know for me when I have something new going on, I need it more. More I need reminders more too.
I trust my intuition. Even if it may be wrong it never hurts me to trust it.
An A is an A using or not. I left it open for a long time for A to see the kids. Then he trashed my living room one night. I had said the kids won't want to come to your house.
He lost it and threw things and broke things at MY and kids HOME. I was so scared, in a long silkie like nightgown, gathered the kids, my Great Dane and cats and we went next door! I had never seen that in my life. never. Got a RO. Did not see him for ten years and that is when he started wooing me, on program and we got married. sigh
Anyway your kiddos are older. Maybe ask them how they feel? could you drop them off at a park or? and pick them up for awhile? Let him know the first boundary is no driving them. Then as things look ok and daughter feels ok,relax it some?
I trust you. love,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Wednesday 17th of June 2009 04:58:10 PM
Thanks DL, I think my daughter being there with all of them will ease my mind. He has no car or license so I'm not worried about him driving them. In reality there's no reason not to take them at this point. I hate to set them up for disappointment but I guess I can't protect them from everything (ie being disappointed by someone else's choices). I feel a little guilty that I am expecting him to fail and end up back in jail. Oh well, I can only do what I can do I just hope I'm making the right choices for the kids.
it is really hard not to expect them to fail & yet it is under the category of having no expectations - good or bad - try to focus on Now/today. I applaud you for taking special care of your kids. Your daughter seems to know which end is up. Be sure to talk about their feelings with them. I know for me, I acted like quite the adult but the pressure to be responsible can get to kids too. Emotions arent easy for any of us, it's important to check in with them often. (Of course I am not implying that you dont, just speaking from the heart from my own esh).
Hope u have a wonderful trip/holiday. Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have also found that children know more than we give them credit for. I know my kids ask me questions now about events that occurred years ago. To verify what they originally thought was going on but we were telling them some story to keep them from knowing what was really going on. My instincts told me, back then, to be honest with them and I didn't do it and now I regret that. But you have the chance to make good choices and it seems like you are doing just that. If your bells and whistles are going off then he probably is using so be careful. You know him and we don't so you have to go with your instincts. Good luck and I will pray for you and your family and keep you in my thoughts. I know you are in a tough situation but I think you are putting plenty of thought into your decisions and are probably doing the right thing by your children. They are the most important consideration, as you already know.
I am so grateful for your honesty. Through your thread I realized many of the patterns that kept me in a relationship that was really detrimental to me. I still don't have the courage or the emotional space to be in a relationship and for once I can acknowledge that rather than obsess about it.
