The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well my car is going to the garage. My FIL called me and said he will pay the ticket and pay for the tow. I did accept this time, and said thank you. It was not my mess, and I am tired of struggling to clean up after my husband tries to prove he is never to drunk to do things.
My FIL asked me why I must continue to make things hard on everyone. Why I will not just accept theri help financially, ask my parents to chip in and just let my husband do whatever he wants. He says why do I insist on being so stubborn and so proud.
My husbands parents have payed so much money over the years it isn't funny, and they usually ask my parents to help as well. Both our parents are financialy well off, but I have never believed that it is their place to pay our bills.
It has always annoyed me that whenever my husband messes up or gets in trouble or doesn't work or blows money, or just plain wants something, they whip out the checkbook.But then I am supposed to just be quiet, smile sweetly and say thank you. I can't do it.
It is not his parents place to support us. We are adults with children, and accepting money from them, gives them a say in how I live my life. They look to decide everything from how I decorate to what kind of celebration to have for a landmark, to who my childrens God parents should be.
I go to work every day, no matter what, and I budget every penny, or I try to, counting on my husbands pay is right up there with betting on a horse. I am trying to teach my children values, an honest days pay for an honest days work, being the one I believe the most in. I don't want them to think you can put your hand out for everything. While I was raised very comfortably, my parents insisted we work for everything. It isn't that they where stingy, they where very generouse and still are, but they felt things where more valuable if you earned them.
They still spoil my children, and me as well. They buy the things that I might not be able to afford. For holidays and birthdays they buy the things the kids want, not need and they purchase my computer and camera equiptment. For one they know it is a hobby I love and the other my Mom says the better digital camera I have the more pictures she gets of her granchildren, and I bombard her with them several times a week.
I know I have a safety net. I know I will not ever end up on the street with my kids. My paretns are there in an emergency and I do appreciate it. But I will not live off of them. I will not ask them for help unless I am in dire need.
My husbands parents help to take the responsibility off of him. To me it seems that they make it too easy for him to continue living as he does. My not accepting their help, makes it harder for us financially, but I feel it is the right thing to do.
I will never make them feel bad about gifts they give the children, or even my husband for that matter. But as far as our daily living expenses, I cannot bring myself to accept them.
Is there such a thing as too much pride? I know I am expecting the moon to expect my husband to be responsible. But his parents feel it should not matter if support comes from him or them, that it is the same thing. I don't believe that.
Am I making a harder life for my children and being selfish? I truly believe that values are more important than a roof over our heads.
Hi Jeannie and thanks for sharing! You have had such a horrible week. I can feel for where you are right now and it's obviously not a good place to be. Rather than give you advice let me just tell you what happened to me. 15 years or so ago I was drinking too much and my wife went behind my back and got money from my parents to help with household expenses like food and stuff. This outside "help" further reinforced my disease and postponed me hitting my personal bottom for 10 more years. They decided to protect me from the consequnces of my actions. Instead of me having to take the hit for my own irresponsibility they took it for me. I learned nothing from this. I was not a bad man, just a lost man who desperatly needed outside help. I could not see how bad it was cause other people kept cleaning up my messes. My parents did not help me they hurt me. The most merciful thing they could have done for me would have been to allow me to fail.
This is my experience and not advice for you Jeannie. It's not an easy situation and when you have kids or grandkids involved it can be a nightmare.
Jeannie, That is independance not pride. There are times that we all need help, but there is a fine line between truly needing help and relying on others for things that we can do for ourselves. We may have to sacrifice some of the non necessities, but there comes a time when the sacrificing pays off and you can do something that is not necessary but you want to do, regardless of what another thinks. Independance to me means control over your own life which takes the control of my life out of others hands. With that independance comes the pride you ask about, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Just my thoughts.
Sorry to hear about the van, guess have to take that as a live and learn thing.
I guess something is 'too much' when we start to experience truly negative consequences, but stick to it anyway. If your children are going hungry, or living in an unsafe neighborhood because you insist in paying your own way, that may be too much. If you are working all the hours in the day, thus never seeing your kids, and fretting over money so much that it interferes with your joy in life, that may be too much. I would say, though, that YOU are the one who knows what is too much for you. If you truly examine your heart and feel that you are doing the right thing, then it doesn't really matter if someone else, who may have a hidden agenda, agrees or not. From what I know of alanoners, too much pride is usually not our problem. For most of us, our pride is in rags and tatters from the things we have let others do to us. Your financial independance may be one of the main props to your sense of self worth - if so, it's valuable, and not to be given away lightly. At least, not until you have something equally strong to replace it.
As I read your post, I thought you are teaching your children how to budget, that work = money, that more work = more money (that connection), and that it's easier to make your own choices when you are not dependent on their grandparents.
They're going to need this, because later on when they are your age or your husband's age, they will need to be self-reliant. They will not have the option of asking their dad for a helping hand... unless of course his miracle has happened. Either way, they are getting a great lesson from you.
You will know when to ask, when to accept and when to be living within your earnings. It sounds as if you're already making that decision well.
Doing for yourself and your family is not only being proud, it is being responsible; it is teaching the children the value of a dollar; it is making your own way in a society which depends far too much on the government for every need; it is being able to hold your head high. You are a fine example for your children, Jeannie. My hat's off to you. But please, allow the in-laws to spoil your kids for birthdays and Christmas. The circumstances their father has put them in is not their fault, and they deserve a little something extra once in a while just because...I mean in no way to demean your ability to care for them, but your budget, at your own admission, will not stretch far enough to provide the frivolous, fun things all kids need. That's ok. That's what grandparents are for!!! Thank them, be genuine about it, and be thankful they can and will help out. The in-laws are always going to bail their son out. Let 'em do it. You can't change them.
All best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
