The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After reading many posts, I do realize I have been trying to change my gf's drinking for nearly 7 years. She did quit for about a year when I said Alcohol or me, but eventually came back saying that she will no longer take an ultimatum. That I was trying to change who she was. That is her answer for everything. I have told her that that reply just gives her an out to not take responsibility for anything. Of course arguments ensued, but I just came to accept it because I love her with all my heart. She is such a wonderful person sober, and oddly enough even after a few beers, but her not stopping after a few is what makes her mean. I also have been the Dad to her son since he was 5 and think of him as my own (bio. father choose to go to jail). she has stopped drinking hard alcohol unless somebody orders a round of the two dollar bar favorite fruity weak stuff.
I had to work overnight the other night and came home in the morning to find her kissing a mutual friend of ours as she had invited a few people home after the bar the night before, whom I all knew. The thing though is that she was so drunk she was in the state that if you would just leave her alone for a minute or two she would have passed right out. And the guy seemed practically sober. That just ticks me off though even more then at her for taking advantage. She has said she would not go out without me, nor drink without me. The only thing is that I know deep don that I can't change her, but she can do some really stupid things when I am not around and I am scared for her because she refuses to get help because that is who she is and is her lifestyle. I have told her that it isn't a lifestyle it's a choice. She has, since I met her, cut her drinking nights in half, sometimes just a day a week, and doesn't drink hard alcohol anymore.
While I write this I have to say I have been there drinking with her unless I am at work, but I also do know when I need to stop because I have to work, or have something to do in the morning. I know I am no saint either, but I have not ever hurt her physically or emotionally when I drink. I guess I am expecting her to be like me and it just sucks because her entire life everybody has given up on her even when she was a kid. Her brother and sister have told her that she doesn't have a problem, but that's only because they would have to see their own. It seems I just can't get anybody to help me about her. I mean I have seen changes in her over the course of out relationship, and I just don't want to give up on her or her son. Is it wrong to give her a last chance and I do mean last? My head has been both was trying figure out why I should stay and why I should go all at the same time.
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard row to hoe these past years. It sounds like you've been beating your head against a brick wall for a long time now. It's good that you're here. It's good that you're reaching out for help. Find a face to face meeting and get your hands on some Al-Anon literature (my group has a lending library, and the city library has some Al-Anon books. Check out your resources if you can't afford to buy a bunch of books right now).
The fact is that she's not going to change unless she's ready to. She is ill: just like an anorexic is ill, just like someone with depression is ill, just like my addict ex is ill. You can't cure anorexia or mental illness through love alone, and you can't cure alcoholism through love. You can't change her.
However, you can let her face the consequences of her actions. Check out the literature on "detachment." You don't have to stay or to go, but you have to let go of the idea that you can save her. It sounds like you've been driving yourself crazy trying to take care of her. Take care of yourself, and take care of the boy you've accepted into your life.
It is tough. Learn all you can about alcoholism. The 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Try some face to face meetings for Alanon. Someone else has been where you are. The slogans help too. Easy does it and Let Go and Let God to name a few.
Aloha BK...this is a great "in between" alternative to staying and leaving...going to talk with others who have been there and done that and have suggestions that work for them. For me I've had mostly alcoholic relationships with women. I have been married to an addict and then an alcoholic addict and in between was with another alcoholic and then??? Alcoholics are suffering from a life threatening disease. It is not curable and only can be arrested by total abstinence. The alcoholic is suffering from a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. The disease is progressive never getting better on getting worse and the alcoholic looses the choice on whether they drink or not. If they dry out for a time and then return to drinking often times it is worse than when they began.
Look up the description of alcoholism on the internet and read it all. This is the most cunning, powerful and baffling disease in existence and that is the reason you have come looking for support and help just like millions of others have. Al-Anon is for the friends, family, relatives and relationships of alcoholics. We suffer as much as they do and maybe worse because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we go thru the pain wide awake. We have the same three choices an alcoholic has...serenity, insanity or death. The serenity part I got in the Al-Anon Family Groups which I found just before my exwife relapsed and then left and came back to stay.
I learned I was born and raised in this disease so I was only doing what was normal from birth for me. We don't only inherit the drinking part we also inherit all of the other characteristics too. I know insanity from being in the disease. I also know about taking the suggestions of finding Al-Anon meetings in my area, getting and reading as much of the meeting literature that I can about the disease, the alcoholic, the family and myself. I also know about learning and memorizing the 12 steps and 12 traditions of the program along with the slogans, members telephone numbers and other stuff. I know about giving the program a 90 day try out before deciding if it would work for me or not. It must be working for me since I've been here since 1979.
Al-Anon saved my life so that I could make something worthwhile of it. It gave me a Higher Power greater than the alcoholic I was addicted to and one who continues to hold up the light in front of my journey. I couldn't do anything for my wife and at times she just refused to leave the other guys alone while the disease raged on her. I didn't know how to cure an alcoholic then and don't know how now. I stopped trying to control the uncontrolable except what I could do in this program with the help of others for my survival.
Welcome to you. Call the hotline number in your phone book under Al-Anon and find out when the next meeting is that you can get to then get to it. Go early, sit down, listen with an open mind and start learning another way to live. Keep coming back here also.
I was very nearly exactly where you are 6-7 years ago, with the exception of I was married to the alcoholic. I too loved her "with all my heart". I raised her two sons for nearly 11 years. I loved them as my own.
I became totally obsessed with getting her to stop drinking. I tried everything I knew. Ultimatums, threats, begging, crying.....nothing worked. Momentary reprieves followed by an ever worsening problem for her and for me. I gave up my own world to monitor hers, to try to control the uncontrollable.
She started having affairs. I lived in a world of utter denial and fear, giving up all that I was in order to try to save her, be there for her and the boys.
At the expense of me.
She finally found AA and I soon followed with Al-Anon.
What Jerry wrote, please read it again. What he says is so right on the mark.
Find a meeting.
Getting my butt to a meeting absolutely saved my life. And in the 5 years since, it has taught me to live and let live.
My life isn't what I had planned, but thanks to Al-Anon and coming to believe in and trust my Higher Power, it is so much more.
Keep coming back, David
-- Edited by david62 on Tuesday 16th of June 2009 12:03:38 AM
Hello BK and welcome , what your doing is not working give Al-Anon a try for a few months and see how u feel about your situation then . find a real meeting in your area and attend as many meetings as u can . forget what u think you know about alcoholism and learn the facts and how it is affecting your life . Try our program and make an inflormed decission not one based on emotion and anger . threats don't work , ultimatums dont work begging dosent work , nothing we do works casue were trying to solve a problem that isnt ours to fix it's her problem leave it with her . wERe enablers and until we stop making excuses for thier behavior , stop believing the lies ,stop covering up thier mistakes nothing will change , we have to stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves .
I can relate very much to your share which was quite eleoquent. Like your girlfriend I abandoned myself over and over. My relationships were the karpmans' triange day and night, victim, perp, rescue back to the start. I felt guilt and shock at being angry at the ex A but the resentment seeped out into eveything. Then I'd rescue them in some fashion and everything would seem wonderful for a while after which I would fear pretty victimized as they went back to drinking.
I see clarity in seeing your part in the situation. Personally I have not drunk for 7 years not because I classify myself as an alcoholic but because I certainly make bad choices when I consume alcohol.
Stick around and learn some skills and things will change even more for you.
