Help please - Al-Anon Family Group

Mik · Newbie

Help please

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

At first I was an emotional wreck, just the shock of it. Now that I have had time to step back and think about it, I am actually relieved - on my way home from work I am not stressing out wondering how drunk he is or feeling like I am walking on egg shells when I get home. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I have told him that I still have love for him and forgive him as well as forgiving myself but that my life needs to move forward that I will not wait for him to decide what he wants to do.

I have to be honest when I came to the realization that I was enabling him, I quit and his drinking only got worse. It is still very difficult for me to face the facts and I just need some help. Thank for reading my "abbreviated" story.

##### Oh KIM!!! first i am so glad you are here.....

second, what a story of strength on your part...i wa smarried to TWO AH's and it was not easy...i ended up dumping BOTH b/c deep inside i knew there had to be better life for me...

and yea, i remember when i left my 1st abusive A....OH i could come to my little apt. and NO yelling NO insults...NO abusive and put downs....

I am glad you realize like i had to that we can do NOTHING for them...its THIER life..THEIR choice...THEIR responsibility to live or die.....and yea, he got worse b/c he is not ready or willing to take responsibility for his OWN stuff......

BOY I am impressed by how good you took care of you..."moving on" and yea, it hurts, but you are taking care of you.....AWESOME.....Please keep coming back here....we can relate and we CARE ok???

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yea, Kim....

There are meets here each night if you cannot find face 2 face meets
also , i would get all the 12 steps workbooks and literature for al-anon that i can

even tho you are doing GREAT to have the attitude you have, he did impact you with his behaviour....so and yea, try and latch onto a sponsor too....

the meets here are on line and every night..on the main page you will see when the meets are and they are very safe to go to........see ya there

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Kim, we have no ability to make anyone drink or make them "worse". That's all their thing- it has nothing to do with us, whatsoever- although they would VERY much like us to think otherwise (that is the disease talking).

Ok, so now you have some facts and yeah, isn't that a relief? I, too, felt whole chunks of hell falling off of myself, I was so thickly coated in the stress and agony of life before the program.

Abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, psychological) is horrible. When we come around to believe (really believe) that we deserve better we get better. This program helped me with that, too. But so did therapy and working with social workers in a shelter and taking a series of classes through that place. I worked hard. I am much better and in a much better place today.

You are going to come into the light- believe me! Attend meetings, get a sponsor, read the lit. Work it hard and keep coming back. We do this because WE ARE WORTH IT. hugs, J.

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Jean4444 wrote:

Abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, psychological) is horrible. When we come around to believe (really believe) that we deserve better we get better. This program helped me with that, too. But so did therapy and working with social workers in a shelter and taking a series of classes through that place. I worked hard. I am much better and in a much better place today.

OMG....The closest I came to having to go to a shelter was when I had to run away from him, at night, in my underwear and (thank God) LONG tee shirt....a old married couple picked me up and too me to a friends house..... i, too had short term counselling...but no insurance, the state only paid for like 10 visits.....I realized that , yea, i deserve better than this......I went to christian councelling 2x but i gotta tell you the BEST therapy has been HERE in the "trenches" with folks who have "been there...done that" and can RELATE to me.......

I too had to work my butt off, but i realized that I was WORTH the effort and so I stayed the course...having a not so good day today, but I SEE it getting better.....gonna do my excercises to stay in the now and that is really letting go.....I cannot obsess about my fears and problems if I am concentrating on what I smell right now..what I hear right now, as Temple was so great to share with me...and i am going to narrate what i am doing to keep me in the now...

everyone has their nemesises but ya know??? with the love and fellowship we get here, it all works out, we won't see the destination, but we can enjoy the journey on the way........

clara · Senior Member

Kim, I am so glad you found this message board. Please keep coming back.

You have a lot of healing to do. You took his verbal abuse and also the abuse of his drinking for all these years.

My first husband (not an alcholic; just mean) was physically and verbally abusive towards me. He had me convinced that I deserved every abuse he dished out to me. Took years for me to figure out that no one deserves that kind of treatment. I still carry the emotional scars with me, although I am married to the most wonderful man on the face of this earth. I still tend to let people verbally abuse me, and I take it so personal.

Just know that you deserve none of this from him, or from anyone else(I should follow my own advise here!!!). Find an al-anon meeting. Find someone you are comfortable with and get a sponsor.

Stay strong and know that your life will get better with each passing day. Hang in there and keep coming back here. You can do this and become a strong person.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

If you go here it will help you find an Al Anon meeting in your area.

A person cannot go wrong going to meetings.

Living with an A changes us in many ways, Just because they leave does not mean we could not get lots of help from Al Anon.

I hope you keep coming back.

And also up above on the message board there are topics. The one that says,"Frequently asked Questions" is very helpful.

One day at a time, love,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , u don't say if u are attending an Alanon meeting for yourself , your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover . HIS eyes were dead - well that happens when alcoholics cross that line into insanity , they feel n othing and as to his anger towards you I have come to understand that they hate us for continuing to love them when they don't feel lovable or worthy they treat us the way they feel about themselves , not much of a concelation I know but somehow it made sence to me .
I understand that u feel relieved he will not be home when u get there , thats normal my husb and I were separated for a few months and I felt exaclty the same way , I missed him but didnt miss the chaos , I used that time to work on myself to heal from the effects of this disease. I hope u will too . Most of us were enablers we did all the wrong things for the right reasons, they just don't work with this disease. the important thing is that u had stopped and his drinking will get worse as long as your not enabling , he has the freedom to do as he pleases drink as much as he wants with no one watching , no one to m ake him feel guilty . its what happens when we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves . Please find help and support for yourself in a f2f al anon group , u will find people who understand you completely and a place to share whats on your mind with people who actually listen and understand . this program changed my life it will yours too . Louise

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. My AHsober walked out of a 30 + marriage. He said the same things to me. Don't love you, never did, I am getting old and don't want to work at this marriage. So don't take it personally - that what A's do to justify what they are doing. Blame us. Although, as said above, we enable. I am learning to take care of me. Keep coming back. Read the literature - the Getting Them Sober books are great.

In support,
Nancy

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

My cousin's aca husband who NEEDS 12 steps badly, told her after 17 years of marriage...."dont' love you...never did...I want OUT...."....She was "flat lined" over it...

bless her heart...she is still hurt......living this lie for 17 years...i told her tonight when we worked step 1 together, it is all about HIS stuff....NOT you.... when people do me a bad turn, in anyway, and i am powerless to get restitution, i turn em over.....its THEIR seed they are planting....NOT mine....I can let go a lot easier...i say what i feel then dump it/them.....

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a wonderful time for you to get busy with you... focused on YOU. Isnt it nice to not be on egg shells for a change? Take this opportunity, since ur seperated to make changes for you now. We can't change, fix, help or control another adult in any way... but we usre can turn that energy inward & work on us. It is a relief to only deal wtih me today & not everyone else. Besides, I can appreciate my own hard work! Good for you for moving forward.

Welcome & kcb. Focus on you!

Mik · Newbie

I realize that it will eventually get easier and that the first step I need to take is to find a f2f support group - that will be a big step for me since I have almost become a complete recluse, I hope I don't completely fall apart, I really can't remember the last time I sobbed in front of anyone but these days it is happening more and more. I guess it is a cleansing of my soul. I know that I need to start believing in myself again and work on my self esteem.

I am so touched by all the response and words of encouragement, here I go crying again. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Find a meeting hon , your never alone again unless of course u choose to be . there is always someone at the end of a phone line who will talk and listen ( when was the last time u actually had someone really listen to your feelings )
Isolation is not good for anyone but happens to alot of us in this disease , and crying well its a safe place to do it no one will tell u to stop , or berate u for showing feelings . go for it . Louise

Mik · Newbie

Just wanted to let you all know that I found an alanon meeting on Saturdays! I will be attending my first meeting this Saturday morning. I realize that I really do need it, it will be an important step in my recovery. LOL to you all.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.