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Hello all, I've been searching for a board like this and just found it tonight. My story is long and probably a little odd so I'll try to keep it short. Last June 4, 2008 I married my high school sweetheart after being apart for 20 years. I would have married him then but he drank all the time and I was afraid I'd be home alone with any children we had and he'd be out drinking all night and I didnt' want to live like that, even though I loved him. So I married my college BF instead and had 6 children with him. It was never a great marraige and Lord knows I tried but just couldnt' pretend anymore after 16 years and we split. On a whim I called my HS boyfriend and found out that he had stopped drinking (afte 3 DUI's) had been attending Al anon and was really getting his life together. we started seeing each other and everything was wonderful. we planned on getting married on June 20th but I found out I was pregnant and we moved that date up a few weeks. Immediately things started going downhill. WE had been living two hours apart so we both moved to the middle so I could keep my good job and he could still see his children. He stopped going to AA as soon as we got married, claiming he was too busy and didn't like the groups around our new home etc. When he is not going to AA he gets very paranoid, depressed, and blames me for crazy things. I am a social worker and have worked quite a bit with people in the acute phase of addictions but was not really aware of "post addiction syndrome" or whatever its called. Before we were married he told me I was the love of his life, etc. Now he blames me for his unhappiness. Even though it was HIS idea to move where we did and he told me before the move that he needed to get away from our hometown, make different friends, etc. its all different now. Now he is very unhappy and blaming me. He wants to pack us all up and move back to our home town (I haven't lived there in 20 years). I have already moved my children once for this man and don't honestely believe that he would truly be happy if we moved back to our hometown but he is seeing me as the cause of his unhappiness. Meanwhile, even though we are married he has never truly committed to me and is still just "trying". I am devastated. pregnant or not, I would not have married when I did If I had know it was going to be like this. I love this man more than I have ever loved any man and it breaks my heart that he is using me as the scape goat for all of his problems and doesn't even see it. I am worried he will end up hating me. I don't know how much of this is because of the selfish behaviors associated with recovery process and I was told by another therapist that it took a good two years of not drinking for the brain to clear up so I dont' know if this is the post addiction syndrme talking, or if he really just regrets marrying me, or if he has a mental illness but I am finding myself getting depressed and sad and that is not like me. we could have such a wonderful life if he would stop always looking for "something" and appreciate what he has. I have been to several al anon meetings and find them very helpful but have a hard time going with all the children. I hate to leave them at night when they've been in school all day. I know this is long and convoluted and there are many details I've had to leave out for space reasons but I guess I'm asking if this is a normal situation, if there is hope, and how do I act to let him know that I love and support him but that accusing me of causing his unhappiness is devastating me? any feedback would be appreciated.
WOW!!!! What a story!!! and yea it is not so weird or convoluted as you might think...
I am very glad you are here...this is the first step towards your gaining yourself and freedom from HIS problems.....OK..maybe you got married a bit too soon....maybe maybe, its DONE....so what now????
First of all moving is not going to help.....i ran from massachusetts to california, to oklahoma (my origin as i am 1/2 indian) and then to texas and guess what??? I drug my demons of dysfunction WITH ME....Like fleas they hitched a ride with me and they were THERE...and it was not until i decided "ok...i am getting help" that things started to show promise..and my "fleas" began to go away or diminish.........here are some facts
FACT.............I am not powerful enough to cause ANYONE to drink OR to have problems
FACT..............I cannot CONTROL another person's drinking or his "dry drunk" "ism" stuff
FACT.............I cannot cure his drinking or his problems or ANYthing he is troubled with
we are all responsible for ourselves and even THEN , we need the strength of our higher power AS we understand it to guide our way
al-anon has been my life saver.....i realized that I can only take care of me....i can only change me.........i can only take responsibility for me.............i cannot *change*another.... that is impossible and even if it looks like i have done it, it won't work..it won't last.....so I focus on me....when I was a child I was made "responsible" for my parents needs and not mine, so I had this skewed belief that I had the power to make them love me or treat me like a human being.....I had NO power over them......I have NO power over anyone else, current...
i would grab onto a sponsor.....grab 12 step books and workbooks and i would glom onto every meet that i can............you got kids???? come to the meets here.......everynight they got chat meets............i go......i go here and other sites, but i go.......i listen to the shares....learn......share my take/and or experience and that is what recovery is about..................KNOWING you are NOT alone
so you got pregnent and married a guy your not sure of now......everything is fixable, but it has to start with YOU........the slogan comes to mind "keep the focus on me"......"let go and let God" (or whatever higher power you embrace)....."easy does it" (lighten up on me and "one day at a time"....and if things get real tough, sometimes I have to "do life" one HOUR at a time....
I strongly suggest that you keep coming back and get to work on your program and its suggested work.....it really really works....whether or not you guys make it is anyone's guess, but you have NO chance if you don't get your SELF together if for any other reason, you got 6 kids and a little one on the way who DESERVE their mommie to be in half way decent shape, mentally and emotionally to take care of them....otherwise we are gonna have THEM in al-anon 20 years from now........the buck can stop with you.......by you......for you.........and you only can help YOU!!!!
please keep coming back.......we cannot/ do not give advice here in this program, but we can give our experiences and our strength to a mate in need and our hope.......i hope you get busy on yourself......it is not in your power to do ANY "curing" of his so called problems........HIS problems are HIS......
please keep coming back....and please use what you can and throw away the rest............PEACE, Rosie
It is the new normal. That is what we go thru because of alcoholism. You wrote alot about "him" and not alot about you. My AHsober did alot of geographicals to solve his problems. The last move was because of "you" he said. I can't be happy because of "you".
Ok just go there and it will help you find meetings in your area. Your story is not new, so no worries. I too married the love of my life and he was sober on program.
Went the same direction as yours is going. What it is, is he is heading for relapse. If he is not already there.
We cannot stop that. What we can do is head into Al-Anon,learn the skills to not allow the disease to pull us down too.
I am so glad you are here. I can guarentee you a miracle if you keep coming.
We all already love you as we share a common obstacle.
I dont see anything odd in your story - it's all very typical with an A.
They all blame us for things they need to take responsibility for. Just be sure not to own it or believe it... none of us can control, fix or change another adult -- learning all u can about the disease & the way they operate helps & learning to leave his stuff with him & detach from his behavior & feelings is invaluable.
When they blame us or instigate us & we get very emotioanl it just feeds their disease & gives them an excuse/justification for what they are doing.
I have to agree with debilyn, it seems like he is working towards a slip but that's not ur concern, issue or problem he has to face it on his own. Learn to focus on what you have power over ~ you & detach in love from what is his.
This forum has a chat room with two daily meetings if u want more meetings to fill in the times you cant get to one (they're very good)
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Amy, I am glad you found this message board. I have been coming here for about 3 months and also going to al-anon meetings. They have both been a life saver for me.
Your story is sad, but not hopeless. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your sweet children.
Keep coming back here, or find an al-anon meeting in your area.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
THANK YOU ALL so much for your responses and support. Yes, I belong here and need to be here. I hope I can be of help to others here at some point. I've been a social worker for 18 years and have a hard time "asking for help", I am used to being the "Helper". I think the 3 things that suprise me the most are: #1 - how he is not drinking at present (20 year history of ETOH abuse) but since he is not actively working on recovery with AA or other he is exhibiting the same behaviours as someone who is drinking i.e. self-centered, spending money on self, blaming others for his mistakes, anger, impatience, etc. #2 - how when he is in bad mood and acting like I desribed above how awful I feel and how I can't imagine the good days and then on good days (like today) I have a hard time remembering how terrible I feel when is is acting out. sigh. and I guess the #3 thing that surprises me is how quickly *I* slipped into a very bad place with him. I thought I knew better. I KNOW that I am not responsible for his sobriety, happiness, etc but I do take it very personally that my love is not enough. Amy
oh, and Rosie, I know you said you all don't give advice here but I hope you will entertain a few questions and let me know al anon's stance if you dont' mind....? When he is blaming me for things and using arguments that are just not true, should I point out what the true facts are or does he secretely already know the truthn and I should just keep quiet? When he says unkind things should I "call him on it" or just let it go. i.e. when discussing marraige (ours is his first at 40) he has said that...his brain wasnt' clear when we got married ( he was not under the influence of anything and hadn't been in quite ahile) , that no one really thinks of marraige as forever anymore, etc., that he wasnt' ready (even though it was all his idea), etc. Do I let him know how much these statements hurt me? I have gotten from the AlAnon meetings I've attended that we shouldn't make them feel guilty but I've always been taught to be honest, not sure where to draw that line. If I know he's in a terrible mood (watching Jerry Springer the other day and he insisted that EVERYONE was like that and people cheated everywhere and Jerry Springer people are very common) should I take the children and leave the house to do something fun? I think he would hate that and his feelings would be hurt but I dont' want my children or myself exposed to him when he is like that.... just wondering about these things. Like I said, today is a good day, he is sweet, upbeat and I love him dearly.....
Taking the bait of the argument is what he wants, so no, dont argue... let the crap go... pointing it out - well of course he already knows, it's one of those little games they play.
Telling him your feelings also feeds his ego & his disease - so no I would stop telling him that too. Of course this is my esh & opinion, take what u like & leave the rest. Telling him how upset ur getting gives him all the power in that manipulative relationship. Learning to not take the bait, to not even allow what is pushing ur buttons - push them anymore. That was really great for me to get - to just let go of what was making me react in the first place.
Absolutely, take ur kids & go out and have some fun - no one ought to be subjected to something uncomfortable & it seriously affects the kids - I should know I am an ACoA (adult child of alcoholic/addict).
That would be a boundary, to remove yourself & the kids. You can set up consequences & then follow through on them - then it gives everyone a choice.
It's terrific ur all having a good day - ODAT
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It took me much too long to learn that the blaming, negativity and argumentative behavior was not about me at all, just like it is not about you. Engaging fuels the fire and takes the focus off of him, exactly like he wants it to. I can't believe some of the crazy things my ex-ah said to me... so much so that I almost became convinced that he never knew any different.
Your idea to take the kids and do something fun is a good one. No one can benefit from staying in an unpleasant and hurtful situation, and as you are proablaby figuring out, you can't convince him of anything. There is a saying in al-anon, "nothing changes if nothing changes". Yep, time to start doing something different.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Sunday 14th of June 2009 11:01:15 PM
-- Edited by Loupiness on Sunday 14th of June 2009 11:03:32 PM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Welcome to MIP! I'm so glad you found us. You've gotten some great suggestions here. I'd like to add another with regard to the baiting - there are a couple of things you can say that allow you to respond without getting sucked into the chaos and drama of an argument:
"You could be right" "I'm sorry you feel that way"
It took me a long time to quit buying into the blame game from my AH. I can acknowledge my part and move on. If he wants to hold on to his resentments and his fears, that's his business. I'm also slowly learning not to take some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth personally - it's MY choice to either take it to heart or let it roll off my back. What a concept! Does that mean I have to put up with verbal abuse? No, I'm also slowly learning to set my boundaries - I can say to him quietly "I'm not going to be talked to that way." and leave the room. Simple? Yes. Easy? Nope - but with practice, I'm confident that more good days are in store for me.
Please keep coming back - and if you can get to face to face (f2f) meetings in addition to the online meetings, I highly recommend them as well.
I was with a man for 7 years who blamed me for everything under the sun. I know I felt manipulated day in day out.
I'm not sure I can put a name on what your husband has, dry drunk may be one of them. Merely absolving from alcohol is just one part of the issue.
I'm glad you are here. There are meetings here twice a day which you might want to go to. I know al anon has given me tremendous tools to learn how to live and thrive around very very dysfunctional addicts.
