The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I really need to get this out and would be grateful for any ES&H.
Some of you know my journey, I have for months now struggled with the ending of my relationship with my exbf. He is in early recovery after 25 years active addiction.During his rehab we decided to part. I accept he is unable to be in a mature healthy relationship. We were close and he never did any wrong to me, I love him dearly I accept he doesnt love me. We never fell out we never had a fight, we talked stuff through and I believe I did the best I could. Its been incredibly hard for me but I get alot of comfort from knowing I acted in a decent way. I would never forgive myself if I'd put pressure on someone who was/is so sick.
My situation now is we act like best friends. He phones often and on occasion we meet. He does lean on me a bit, I'm sort of like a cross between his sister or support worker. We have stopped having close relations (my boundary) He calls to tell me of his day his progress his acheivements. He is doing lots of service, peer work and training.He is a model of great program working.I never give him a hard time and am genuinly happy and grateful for his recovery. We met yesterday, he looked fantastic so healthy and happy. To me he is the most handsome man I know.
My problem is this Why am I still crying myself to sleep every night. Why cant I just let it go, why if his recovery is the only thing I'd choose, do I break my heart everytime I see or hear from him?
I know I have a choice not to pick up the phone, I know I have a choice to cut him off. To me that seems cruel. I'm not saying he cant survive without me, it would just seem meen to cut him off. He is a good person. As you can see I'm torn between self care and doing the right thing as a friend, Can an ex ever be just a friend?? I'm looking at my motives, not sure if I'm holding on for a medal or some sort of recognition. I keep asking my HP to take this from me. I am working my program going to meetings and trying to keep the focus on me. I just feel beat at the moment. Its really hurting.
I am in the same position but much my EXABF has not been in recovery. I would love to hear everyones comments so it can help me too. Thanks for posting.
You say you accept he doesnt love you (or in love with you) anymore, so why are you crying for him? Maybe you havent fully accepted that yet. Maybe u arent being completely honest with yourself. I know I used to wish that others would change & it is just a waste of time/energy.
You say you keep asking HP to "take this from you" but u can't let it go... I suggest trying this... offer it willingly & freely to HP & see if that doesnt work better, surender it to HP, it's more empowering/effective. (in my experience)
Learning to detach from others & focus on *me* was the best gift I could ever have given to myself.
I have tried to be friends with ex b/fs in the past... at some point they would say, I can't bear to see you with another guy & say they couldnt be my friend anymore.
If it's too hard for you to be friends, maybe u should take some time/space for yourself.
Remember that when we are trying to "get" something from another person, like validation or something, it's not healthy, we need to get that from within. Focus on you & love you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It needs more work and the first job is just to let go of it. Let it lay and let it lay in HP's hands. Reading your post I get that you are perfectly focused on him and perfectly focused on your solutions to him and he is out growing you.
Isn't it a great part of any relationship that partners are also great friends? At one time I thought that there was supposed to be cross ownership and then I found where I was wrong. I learn, "I love you and like being with you and I don't need you." When I learned how to love myself the needy feeling in the pit of my stomach went away. I became friendly widely and didn't need a certain person to define me.
"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are." Boundariless without conditions, you need not be special only you and me be me. Love isn't ownership "I am happy for you, with you and it has nothing to do with me except that I am grateful to share in it."
People cry out of pain, happiness, elation, sorrow. You say you don't know why you are crying however if you read your post as if you were someone else might you not have a different discovery. People must also allow themselves to love and be loved without defining how that process goes exactly. Again acceptance. We were made for giving and receiving love...the definition above. We were not made to be defined by another persons existence (my opinion): not a partner to one other but a member of all others. I know the romantic perceptions and I've work many of them into the ground and lost my own identity.
Be his best friend and celebrate his recovery with him as it seems he is so willing to share it with you and share your's with him. Practice that courageous statement "I love you. I don't need you and I love you." And turn it all over to your HP who I have been told "Is Love". In regard to that I understand today how my HP loves me and I cannot do any different with any others. My HP has never set an either/or condition with me, has allowed me to make my choices and have my consequences and always been there with me. My HP's love for me has never been exclusive because I am not alone here in this world and it is not my will who HP loves and to what degree. My HP does not, not love. HP is "love always". That is all for me and thanks for letting me ramble.
If you desire to hear someone tell you they love you...Let me, "I love you". There is nothing about you that is unlovable. If you desire to hear him say, "I love you" I think he already is saying it in so many ways. To the degree that it now is you and he share mutual love. It's okay to take some of the bricks in your wall down. It's okay to let yourself out of the cell you built around you. It's okay not to need that.
Work the program, work with your sponsor and listen to others. That's how it gets better in time.
you said "As you can see I'm torn between self care and doing the right thing as a friend, Can an ex ever be just a friend?? I'm looking at my motives, not sure if I'm holding on for a medal or some sort of recognition.
I say---- i dont think we can go from lover to friend.....there is too much between...and i can relate to your sorrow...when my 2nd ex and i had to break up over his non recovery, i wanted to be friends...he couledn't deal with just being friends and he cut me off.....come to find out, he was right....when its over its over.....cut it off we went our separate ways, and i pray for him at least 1x per week that he is OK and not in danger or something.....
i am soo sorry for your pain.....when i feel like this, i drag out my steps for aca's and work it......i am POWERLESS....but yea, it hurts.........i think if this were me, i wold cut it off to take care of me......
thats just my take......good luck and chin up!!! i can see you are a caring lady.....
"As you can see I'm torn between self care and doing the right thing as a friend..."
I'm thinking, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first." If it hurts too much to see him, choose the path that FEELS better to you. That's YOU being there for yourself, doing the right thing for YOU.
To me, it sounds like grief. Grieving is a time of healing from a loss. Be very gentle and very good to yourself, Carol. ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Oh Carol how painful. To me it is like bringing in a bunch of roses but not being able to hold them and smell them!
Someone bringing a great chocolate-pumpkin cheesecake and ya cannot eat it!
I could go on and on.
Isn't his unre something love? To me this would be torture. Especially when the one you care about is getting better.
Do you suppose it is not taking care of onself? Sacrificing your own feelings? What do you get out of this honey?
A's have a way of sucking us all dry with out even meaning too. The disease loves this.
He can have all he wants/needs of you, yet you are starving.
Of course you are crying. Hey you cannot be just friends, as you aren't
And in my experience,no, no one can be "just friends" after a real love relationship if one or the other was or is truly in love with the other."
I mean look at it hon,typical Addict behavior. Yes please you do all this but I gotta be """"meeeeee!"""""
And we say oh ok I can be strong for YOU as YOU are sick.
Anyhoo of course you hurt. Everytime you see him, talk to him, are you longing for that love you had and need.
Here he is becoming more the person you were already in love with.
Are you being honest with him? With you?
You have done the first part, admitting your true feelings.
Remember we can become addicted to the A. Is this not like him not drinking anymore but that bottle is right in front of him, he can hold it, feel the coldness, remember how it felt to smell it, put it on his lips, suck it down..
What does this remind you of?
hugs,debilyn who no way could do this,would always long for him
Do you suppose it is not taking care of onself? Sacrificing your own feelings? What do you get out of this honey?
### Debilyn has a great point here....my sponsor once told me that "when your in a sick situation or you cannot let go of something that is torture.....what is the *payoff*???" like OK, i did not dump my first A b/c of financial fear, i would not make it w/out his paycheck too.....when i do something that is toxic for me...i get down and ask me "what is the tradeoff???"....why am i prolonging or allowing my pain to continue???
Hi. This is my first time posting. Carol, I relate a lot to your post. The "payoff" for me is that I can not imagine him in my life. I am an independent person. I NEED a lot of alone time. It is not like I can never be alone etc.
