5 years ago tomorrow, my dear and best friend Ms. Pamela Kay Fletcher left this world for her eternal rest...

She was my best friend and was dying of cancer...they "termed" her on May 15th, '04 in that docs were giving her drugs to make her comfortable and thats IT!!! I told her i would stand by her and "see her out of this world"....she was my pal.....supported me in my recovery...loved me unconditionally..even when i cussed....she was a dear

it was so sad..when i 1st would go to her apt. to take my "shift" in her care, along with daughter and husband and mom-in-law...

At first she would run to my truck and be all over me soon as I stepped out on the curb..I almost dared to hope that she would maybe "beat it" the vibrant trotting to my truck..the strong hug..the absolute JOY in seeing me.......then as the days went by, she would be on the couch, with arms out wide for my hug INSIDE, no more running to my truck..it was too tireing now......then she would be in bed, hollaring for me to come in and give her her hug AND her morphine....I watched her go downhill like a sled w/no brakes....

the monday b4 she died, there is this nursing asst. there and her "comfort pack" arrived....the "industrial  strength" pain killers in liquid form....Nobody had the bollix to give her the stuff...she is in bed screaming and keening like a wounded bird, so much in pain.....husband...mom in law...daughter can't "do it"  so i said  "ok, i'll drug her"...I called the doc and asked what he prescribed and he said  "two" eyedroppers FULL is the max and you can max her out....its OK...shes dying anyway....I thought,  "with one kidney left (1st fight w/cancer took other one..i could kill her".....That weighed on my mind...What if she passed after I administered her drugs??? the doc witnessed my "being assigned" so everyone was in agreement "Rosie...YOU do it"....So I did...

did i want that on me???? no!!!  but did i want her screaming in pain w/her family standing there, too scared to help her???? no!!!  only alternative was to do doc's instructions ....i took out the liquid big bottle.....and the eye dropper dispenser and went into her room...I notice that it is freezing in her room...65 degrees the AC was on to..She hated the heat........she is raising her head, like a baby bird in its nest waiting for "mama" to shove that comforting stuff down her hungry gullet......I explained to her that we were "big time" now and that I could only give her what doc said......

she is stretching up ...raising her head and i do the 1st fill w/eyedropper....put it to her mouth and she is sucking down the morphine like a baby animal nursing.....I fill it again and shes strething up for her "nourishment" and I give her #2......I put the cap back on the big bottle...had daughter wash out eye dropper and I got into bed with her and held her.....the pain killer began to "kick in" some and she talked about how her aunt "beat it" and she was gonna "hang in there" and go to my tennis games and watch me win....I said "yep, sure you will...just don't punch anyone who claps for the opponent".....she giggled and fell into a drug induced, uneasy sleep

it wasn't long b4 she is hollaring for the next "dose"....it was time....on my shift, so here we go again.....

nursing assistant tells me "oh shes not immenent...she will last a couple of months for sure"....i looked at this short, stout woman with her stethoscope around her neck and incredulously said to her "you gotta be KIDDING!!!! she will be gone in a week"

wednesday, 2 days later , after we started the comfort pack thing which had become My "responsibilty"......she was too much for us to handle....the tumours on this large boned tall, once good looking lady were enormous...and she weighed in at almost 180#....we couldn't get her to the toilet anymore....none of us had the strength to do it..when hubby dropped her trying to get her to the toilet, we realized that we were in over our heads...she couldn't assist us anymore...she couldn't stand any more.....so it was time to take a vote....we gathered up, pooled our money and stuck her in a nursing home after much prayer, research and found a nice place up the street from where i worked.....we put her in wed. night......

it broke my heart to put her in her wheel chair w/her clothes and toiletries packed up, like we were 'dumping" her and she screamed and cried all the way to the home....we stayed and comforted her and i promised her next day I would give her her a nice bed bath, cut and style her hair and feed her a hard boiled egg and some of her favorite mint candies.......she kinda resigned herself and i stayed till she fell asleep

thursday, the next day, i get there to her room and b4 i open the door i hear her disturbed and angry...there is this nurses's aide washing her like she was an old car....my poor dear and modest friend was all exposed, naked as a jay bird...exposed to anyone who opened her room door....My heart sank!! she was humiliated beyond words, and i was furious....i told the "na" to "get out of here....NOW"..

i covered up the parts of her that i was not washing, taking care to respect her dignity and she brightened up.....i asked her if she wanted to wash the "personal areas" but she was too weak.....i took wash rag in hand and gently washed her and felt soo bad...like i was violating her......

then i cut and styled her hair....she was all cheery over that.....then we "lunched" on boiled eggs and candy...MINT...her favorite......She's ordering me  "I can't eat this w/out SALT....get me some SALT"....so i go to the kitchen and bum some salt...bring it back and salt her egg.....i kidded her  "some stuff never changes....you hollar and i am toting and fetching".....she giggled and ate 1/2 of her egg and i thought she was slipping into nap time....i tried to sneak out and get back to work and she caught me..."dont' go...stay with me..I miss you".......I stayed....i looked at that once very pretty face....light auburn hair styled just the way she wanted....saphire blue eyes that would melt an ice burgh and i held her hand...i told her  "pammy it is OK if you want to let go...we will all be alright....its OK if you want to go  home...its alright if you go......"

she smiled at me...went to sleep.....i went to my truck in the hot texas sun (June 10th) and CRIED....i sat there and wept in temperatures over 100 degrees....i drove  back to work...drained...tired...LETTING GO....I knew i would never speak to or hug her again in this life....

next day, friday the 11th,  her remaining kidney failed...early am.....rushed to RHD hospital in dallas......the death watch began.....she is telling me on her death bed, IV's pumping a lethal dose of morphine into her veins to "call me later..i gotta take a nap"....i says ok.....she passed a little after 2am on sat. the 12th of June.....it was over!!! she was at peace

next day i was a wreck...it was funeral planning time....funeral parlor had her body, and we get her ready for viewing for sun. night and burial on monday.....scott, her husband did not want it prolonged.....

sun night, at viewing, a bunch of people came from church,  work,  all over the place....i get there and i see her in her casket and her hair was AWFUL......her daughter cried on me...."OH rosie, please fix that awful hair....YOU were the only one she wanted touching her hair"......I told her and scott to "distract the guest" as I had to lift her head some to do my style job......she did and I reached into the casket...lifted my dead best friend up and said "pammy, i am gonna make sure you look your absolute best when we lay you to rest....i promise".......i fixed her hair...styled it the way she loved and gently put her "cover" back over her that had slipped down......She had her favorite green dress on and her hair styled to perfection...in her words she was "all decked out"....

we had a great service...On monday, the day of last viewing b4 burial we were in the funeral parlor chapel and we played her favorite songs, like "3 times a lady" by Lionell Ritchey, whom she loved...we each sat there listening to the preacher, deep in our own thoughts.....all of a sudden, I just started to CRY....this was it...the tears fell on my chest, into my lap, I looked like i had peed on myself...i didn't care......

after the service, we filed out b4 they closed the casket, at the exit point where she lay,  i touched her face and i slipped a poem in her hands that i had written for her......

i did the card up on my computer and handed out copies of it to the family, including me

"We all saw you getting tired,

and we knew a cure was not to be

So God visited you

and whispered, "come with me"

With tearful eyes we

watched you slowly fade away

although we loved you dearly

we could not make you stay

God broke our hearts to prove to us

he only takes the best....

then underneath it by my signature, i said to her

"your wrote your life song

not knowing the lives you would touch

I can only pray that you knew

that so many of us loved you so much...."

I put HER card, in her hands...i had to gently lift her right hand and stick the card in it and then they closed the casket.....it was over!!!!

I did not go to the burial, I watched them load the casket in the hearse for the very long drive to her burial ground....I didn't go as no one was at the office at work and i said I would supervise the prep work for one of our suites....it was just as well....i was BONE tired.....I got to office...lay down on the black leather couch and dozed off for an hour or two...

that night, at home, i felt this cool breeze and I swear i smelled her favorite body spray...she loved peach.....and it was like i saw this smokey colored , far away and up, "form" of her..and I knew it was HER  telling me  "its ok, Rosie, you can go to bed and know that I will always love you dearly"

Next day I told Roxie, her mom in law about her "visit"......she said  "OMG...that is so strange....b4 she passed out she insisted that I tell you that "she loved you dearly"......roxie in all the grief and planning had forgotten to tell me that her last words at the hospital as they knocked her out was that she "loved me dearly".....I told "Rox" it was OK....I got it straight from Pam!!!

each June coming up on the 12th which is tomorrow, I think of her...the laughter...her gently "chastising" me about my cussing (which i have greately improved on)...her loving acceptance of me...her interest in my program and how happy she was that i was getting help.....her love of my jokes....the shining laughter and smile that encased that  warm, "knows no strangers" and attractive face....

So that is mine and the story of my dear friend...passed away 5 years ago, this June 12th.....

I love you Pamela Kay Fletcher and I shall see you again one day...