The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These are some reasons I held very close for not participating in al-anon in the past... and these are some of my fears that have surfaced over the last 7-10 days since I joined. Please be gentle with me... I'm not saying that this is *true* -- but these were my truths... for a long time. And these are my fears now... I want to learn to overcome them. So, I'm just sharing this.. just putting it out there :)
~~~~~ This first week of al-anon has been difficult... not because it is difficult to face that my mother is an alcoholic, that one was easy :) But difficult because I have had a lot of reasons (excuses) for not wanting to join al-anon in the past.
1. Once my mom stops drinking, there won't be issues. She's going to stop soon.
2. I don't need any help, I have already accepted the situation and know how to cope with it effectively.
3. Her alcoholism doesn't define me. I'm not the "child of an alcoholic" -- I'm April. It doesn't consume my life.
4. I don't subscribe to any religion and don't think I'll be accepted by people who do.
5. Also because I don't have a belief in a higher power, I wouldn't be able to work through the program effectively anyway. It is set up for dependence on a higher power, and I only need to depend on myself.
I'm still working on those things.
Now, since I have started the program, I feel other types of resistance. How can I "let go"? That's *not* something I want to do, because to me, letting go means that you don't care. That's going to be an enormous obstacle for me to overcome. I understand the rationalities of learning to let go and how beneficial it will be for my own mental health. That's just something that is so deeply ingrained into my psyche though, that it will take a great deal of learning HOW to let go and still love. Letting go doesn't mean you don't care. But it sure feels like it.
Control. That kind of goes hand in hand with learning to let go. If I don't have control (or perceived control) over my life and the situations inside of my life -- I feel anxiety. I understand that this came about early in my life -- I needed to have control, because is seemed no one else did. I needed to become my own stability. When there were so many uncertainties, I needed to have things that were predictable. I have to learn there is a difference between making responsible decisions and being "in control". I have to learn also -- that with letting go -- I'll be putting some of my own perceived control into someone else's hands... or something else's -- the universe, cosmic energy, whatever.
I'm really, emotionally resistant to that also. When I say resistant, I don't mean stubborn or consciously resistant -- but I feel my own anxiety creeping in as I reach into these unknown places. What will happen if I let go? What's going to happen if I admit I really have no control? What kind of person will I be if I don't at least TRY to guide people (my mom, my sisters, my husband, my friends) away from poor decisions and toward positive ones? Will it seem like I no longer care? How do you care and at the same time, quietly allow people to live their own lives, even when you know something bad will happen?
Welcome. I don't think you are unique in your feelings - many of us have been there. Alanon can and does work for agnostics and atheists too. It happens all the time!
To your points:
1. If she does stop drinking... and begins working an AA program, the fun is just beginning! You may find you need Alanon even more. Just case in point from the other side of the coin: when I stopped drinking, that's when my marriage began to go south. Had I kept drinking, it would have certainly gotten worse also - but a very different path. My sobriety was a catalytic change in the relationship. Our roles were suddenly drastically different then they had been before.
2. Give it time. You are reaching out for help now. Coping is not a one-time thing, or you got it and you're set. It's an ongoing process that can frustrate you the most when you think you're over the top. Expect this... and keep coming back!
3. Absolutely true!
4. Alanon does not subscribe to any religion either. You should be right at home.
5. The program can be worked quite effectively without having to designate an HP. When I first dealt with step 3 for instance, I couldn't imagine turning my will and my life over to something I couldn't believe in. I moved forward anyway, and in my mind changed step 3 to read "Made a decision to do the rest of the steps".
As far as letting go, I will give you a really current example for me: my fiance hates her job. The only good thing about it is that she's so overworked that her job is probably secure, and the hours are reasonable. But she has co-workers who she can't stand, that don't pull their weight, etc. I've seen all of this before many times. It's very easy for me to jump in and tell her how to handle it. But I'm not there, I'm not her, I'm not living her life and I don't have to deal with the consequences of her actions - so who am I to try and tell her what to do? I can listen, I can be supportive - but I can't make decisions for her. I can't take her place at her job, and straighten those idiots out - much as I'd like to. And that's both the alcoholic and codependent in me talking at once The codependent wants to fix other people, and the alcoholic knows how to be king of the world - just ask any one of us! Letting go means when I go to work, I do MY job, and let her do hers. If the pain becomes too much, and she has to quit - I'll support that decision. This is the person closest to me in the world right now, but I can't live her life.
I tried to do this with my daughter... first I tried to get her sober. When she finally did get sober - without me - I tried to make her life in sobriety as smooth as possible, fearing that if things got too bad, she'd go back to drinking. I couldn't do this either. I had to let her live her own life sober - just as I had to let her have the consequences of her drinking, so she could have her moment of clarity.
Lastly, you said this: What kind of person will I be if I don't at least TRY to guide people (my mom, my sisters, my husband, my friends) away from poor decisions and toward positive ones?
Ah, listen to yourself. Do you really have all the answers? Do you have your answers? Do you have their answers? Are every one of these people incapable of finding their way without you? If you let them have their own consequences (which they will anyway by the way, they are grownups) will that make you a horrible person?
I've generally found that when people want my help - or my advice - they ask for it. That isn't too often, and I try not to respond by giving specific advice... but by sharing experience strength and hope. The minute I start making decisions for other people, I'm taking on the responsibility for the outcome of those decisions. I have a full plate with my own decisions and outcomes. Meddling in someone else's to the detriment of my own doesn't make me a better person - it makes me overwhelmed, sick, tired, and resentful - resentful that those whose lives I try to control don't do what I say, and instead resent my attempts to control.
Welcome to Alanon. The precious gift of serenity is there, when you are ready. It's not a reward, it's a gift. When you are open to it, it will come.
Barisax
-- Edited by barisax on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 04:54:16 PM
I didn't believe in anything either b/c of all the pain i had been through..however, i changed my mind when i actually experienced divine love...that is just me.....
b4 I believed, the program was my Higher Power....It worked for me as long as I needed it to.......
I like step 2 "came to believe in a higher power AS I UNDERSTAND IT"
i remember being at an al-anon meet one time and this BIG FAT gal walked in...she was over 200#.....I welcomed her and she said she was atheist and she said "ok, ya see that chair over there??? the big metal one????" I said "yea, its not taken if you want it".
She said "if that chair can keep my fat XXX from falling on the ground, THAT can be my higher power"....I laughed and told her to "go for it".....
I felt the same way once. I went to alanon when my partner was in treatment. I hated it, for many of the same reasons.
I came back years later when he got sober. I realized it wasn't the alcohol or drugs... that it is a disease, and I was effected by it too. It took me a long time to come back, and I am happy I did.
What I got out of alanon was the people I could talk to, and NOT get advice, but rather, understanding.
What ever you chose it is your choice. I wish you all the best.
You said, she is going to stop soon..... right there tells me you need alanon...she will stop when she is ready or maybe she will never stop...that is the reality of the disease.
Weather you realize it or not you are sick as well....addiction is a family disease...once you learn you have no control....you will start to heal...because we as family members are just as sick at the addicts.
You higher power can be whatever you choose.....please keep coming back...don't give up and keep listening.....
..once you learn you have no control....you will start to heal...because we as family members are just as sick at the addicts.
You higher power can be whatever you choose.....please keep coming back...don't give up and keep listening.....
Andrea
Oh yea, I am juggling these awful "balls" of life that I didn't want...Couldn't control and finally I just said "I QUIT!!" and if the "balls" dropped??? So be it!!!! I felt this relief...like phew!!!! however, step 1 left me kinda "ok, i accept my powerless, but i felt like empty..like what is next???" thats when I got into steps 2, 3 and on......I work the 1st 3 each DAY to remind me when /where I am to take my hands OFF and let the power most high take over, no matter what happens, my forcing my will only messes things up.....give it over....toss it off and i am free of it......i can talk with my A brothers, with limits and enjoy them. the laughter...the humour.....b/c i have given up the useless idea that i can change/control them.....they will either drink till they die or get into recovery....its out of my hands....
I understand and have had ALOT of those very issues... Feel like you have to take in the world because "YOU Are the only responsibile one in the group... Not knowing if HP (to my understanding) could even fanum what I was trying to do Try'n to save EVERYONE BUT YOU...
Welcome Honey... hp or no HP you are in the right place... It is going to be tough, everything we really want always is, if it was easy we would all master the steps to get there...I have learned in al-anon, that the toughest part is "Getting Started"... For once you are here you are family, and NEW Family...
We are not here to tell you to ditch your family or your mom or anyone... We are here to help you get your focus on YOU, take care of You so you can Better care for your life and well being... Mom is going to do what mom wants to do... That is life... Her Life... Our focus is US...
Detaching with LOVE... My Favorite...I still love my A's hole heartedly, I still worry about them, I just came to the realization that I can't Change them... That is something they have to do... I do now try to encourage the Good in them, and just Flat Out... Don't bring up the bad... For they no it already... My deseased Afather carried more guilt then I ever seen in my life, he could not fight the disease, he WAS the Disease... I watched him try, but he couldn't, and evenually it took his life at the age of 58... So these last 6 months have been hard as hell.. And I could very easily say that I don't Need Al-anon, because my biggest A is dead... But I didn't find al-anon till he past, and it has REALLY changed My life..
I truly hope that you continue on this journey of SELF realization... You will be shocked at what you find out about your self... it is wonderful that you come and post, for when you look back on these posts as time goes on... You will then be able to see your own growth thru your shares...
Hang in there... we are all pulling for you .... Friends In Recovery... One Day At A Time.... Keep Coming back... it works if you work it... Love & Prayers Jozie
4. I don't subscribe to any religion and don't think I'll be accepted by people who do.
5. Also because I don't have a belief in a higher power, I wouldn't be able to work through the program effectively anyway. It is set up for dependence on a higher power, and I only need to depend on myself.
I am a Christian and I accept you...you are a human being, in here, fellowshipping and sharing with us...
I think non believers can work the program...the steps go into self discovery (#4) and making amends (8, 9)...learning when to stop fighting stuff and just , to me I give it to God....To you?? It may be just "releasing it" and walking away from it.......I have seen non believers flourish in this program b/c they are still being honest and open and willing with themselves.....
I think if ones mind is OPEN, they can heal....to be OPEN to new ideas.....WILLING to do whatever it takes to heal......HONEST about themselves and their strengths and weaknesses.....
I sponsored a non believer and I kinda "reshaped" the steps for her , they were like
1....my way is not working...what I am doing now is not working 2....there has to be a better way...diferent approach..diferent options 3....why don't i just let go---detach---walk away--- toss it off and quit fighting it if I cannot do anything about it, just "toss it off"....
Alice I know one thing for sure , it is impossible to let go - and control at the same time . You have tried the contolling it's not working , u have nothing to loose by letting go of someone elses life . What helped me alot was someone telling me to Allow them the dignity to Live or die the way they choose . I saw no dignity in dying a drunk , but i understood that thy had the right to choose , it was not my decission . When I was able to accept him as he was drinking or not i could have a relationship with him , when i started to resent again the choices he was making it went out the window , did that many times til I was able to step aside and get on with my life . I had been told many times to step aside so God could get at him . I heard little one linners that helped me alot one was
The more I try to open someones eyes ' the more they close thier ears.
Acceptance truly is the answer to all of my problems today , accept what is and adjust myself to it works for me . I believe letting go is the most loving thing we can do for the alcoholic in our lives , allow them the dignity to do life thier way . I don't know about you but I sure dont like people telling me how to live my life , so why I thought I had the right to do that to someone else is beyond me . No one said this was going to be easy , hang in there . And try and remember that your mom has a Higher Power too and will take her were she needs to go . Louise
i will help someone if they ASK and if they cannot help themselves...I try to help those who want to help themselves
letting go to me is allowing someone to live and / or die as they wish....I must back off and let them "write their OWN life song" as I am writing mine....I want to be free to do what i want......to use my given gift of free will and choice, so how can I rob another of that???? even tho they are killing themselves...it is not my RIGHT to stop them it is not my right to force my will on them....
loving is backing off...allowing them their choices......letting them know that i care if i do care about them.....
giving them the FREEDOM to live/die as they wish
i hope this made sense.....we CAN love and let go...in fact to me the most loving thing i can do is take my hands off and LET GO.....be there when they DO decide to ask for help......
I should say... the reasons that I listed re: why I thought I didn't need al-anon... those were past reasons. I've come to understand now that those reasons are really excuses, dashed with a bit of denial and fear.
I know my mom isn't going to stop drinking until she decides its time, and as of yet, there is no indication that it will be any time soon, if ever. And even if she did... I can see now, that a lot of the inability to "let go" is deeply ingrained, and although it might have resulted from my living with an alcoholic, its a part of who I am now... whether or not she drinks. And its a part of me that will take some time to work through and learn a new perspective.
Up until a short time ago -- I really didn't even know there was anything I needed to "let go" of.
Anyway... what I really mean to say, is that I think for me, the first step starts long before the official "Step One".
Getting used to a new way of thinking... just accepting that I *want* to or *need* to -- is huge for me.
So, that's where I am starting... PRE Step One, lol
I love this post and the responses it has brought you. Standing outside of it and listening to you and the other family members who take the time to love you reminds me of a school reunion because it was like this for me when I first got to Al-Anon and then into the meetings with commitment in spite of what I thought and what I was feeling. - God they accepted analyticals and even put up with me!! - LOL. I analyzed everything and was constantly told that when I got tired of it and exhausted because my analyzing changed absolutely nothing in my life then I could try what they were doing. Get this!! my first higher power was a door knob!! It was suggested that maybe I should make my HP that because I could open no new doors in my life without one. Sure it was a meaphor and yes it sounded like it was right from a "Recovery for Dummies" book and yes I tried it because up until that time nothing I thought up or did worked at all.
So this is a reunion for me.
There came a point when I stopped thinking for myself and started using the thoughts and opinions and behaviors of others in the program who were enjoying peace of mind and serenity while I wasn't. I followed what was suggested in spite of my fear, anxiety, confusion and sense of lonliness. I followed inspite of everything and anything. I was not steered onto the wrong trail. In actuality I got my life saved. For that I became and still am extreemly grateful. My Higher Power of choice today isn't a group concept or entrapped within a building with the group's name on it. My Higher Power is bigger than that...just for me.
Keep coming back I believe that there are more analyticals who can step up to the circle and talk on this one.
sure- the part of getting ready to walk thru the doors of the rooms takes quite some time, it sure did for me. Even just getting ready to listen or to speak once I got into the rooms- took me years. Stepwork came even later- we all have our own timelines and that is perfectly fine! No one in this program will be looking over my shoulder telling me how to do it. We figure it out ourselves with the help of others when we ask for E, S & H. We sit and we listen. Stuff begins to sink in one day at a time. We backslide horribly but we pick ourselves up and begin again. We get triggered and make mistakes and we wake up to a new day and begin again. Its ongoing. Keep coming back- hugs, J.
Jerry :) A doorknob, lol... that's a good one But the reasoning you stated for selecting that did make sense :)
It really is nice to be welcomed... and its good to be able to say "this scares me" or "this is hard for me" and *not* have someone says, "Well... it isn't scary and shouldn't be hard!" ~ Its good to know people came here at first with the same fears as me... and they've come so far.
Jean... I know what you mean about backsliding.
I felt like just coming here would be "backsliding" for me... because for a long time, i was coping very well, living my life -- and I was happy. Not faking it, not hiding it -- I was happy. I'm *still* an overall happy person... its just that now, I'm starting to feel that some serious re-examining of things would take me further, would be of more benefit. Maybe things that worked before only did because that was my capacity at the time. If that makes sense.
I was doing the best with what I could at the time.
A good friend of mine also reminded me -- This is a new time in my life. I've been with my husband for 5 years now and together we've established a very secure, very safe and trusting relationship. It's ok now, for me to let go -- its ok now, if I backslide... because I'm safe to do so.
It isn't as if I was *unsafe* before... but I was single, I was working on my life, my education, my career... and there wasn't really anyone there to back me up in case I just needed to get inside myself for awhile. And that was fine... gosh, more than fine really. But now is a different time.
It may help you to to understand that even though you don't have control over other people, you ALWAYS have control over yourself. You control your actions, reactions and responses to everything...even your thoughts. There are infinate ways to respond and you get to pick!
The letting go is is not letting go of you and throwing caution to the wind. It is as previously said, letting go of the illusion that you control others, and it IS an illusion. Can anyone control you if you really want to do something? No, you would find a way to do what you want.
I don't subscribe to a religion either. My HP is nature and the source energy that makes it thrive. So, when I "let go", I'm freeing it like a bird and allowing it to find it's own path, as it should.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
All I can say is you are not alone. I've been in Al-anon since Feb or March this year. My first meeting was so emotional, I didn't go back for a few months. I also never thought it was MY problem. It's my A's problem. I resented I sat there with strangers and had to take an hour or an hour 1/2 of my time because my A had issues.
I am still struggling with the above. I have MAJOR control issues with everyone in my life. I have to learn I'm not perfect and every thought I have is not right even though I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!!! LOL
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. My A does NOT currently drink, although he is NOT working a program and FEAR controls my every thought right now. All the "What ifs" have consumed me lately.
Yesterday, I wanted to leave my A because he kept telling me he wanted to drink. I do think he does. I will leave if he does, but interestingly, in therapy and after our session yesterday, my control issues with our money, seems to have made him want to push me on the drinking issue. I had to control a situation that came up the other day with money, and that night he had to lay the anxiety on me that he wants to drink. He KNEW that would get to me. It will and it does. I WILL leave if he drinks, but his blameshifting and us both trying to obtain control has dominated my last week. Guilt that comes with alcoholism, adult children, and codependents is overwelming and so is the need to please. It's exhausting.
I'm still here. He's still here...not drinking, and not recovering. We are surviving each other at the moment. It's painful, but we both have to work it in our own ways.
I still feel resentful, but each meeting I feel better. Thank God for the ODAT book or I honestly might be committed. Thank God for being there and not turning his back when during all of this, I have.
When I got here, I felt the same way... why should I have to change & I was angry about hearing "it was my problem". But the truth was, I was angry & being angry was a issue/problem. Everything irritated me. One day I owned it, realising I was irritable & I decided to get busy learning how to not have "buttons" out there for everyone to push. In that respect, I was totally out of control. Also, I was focused & obsessed on everyone else in my life... I didnt know the meaning of minding my own business... I actually thought that just b/c I had a realtionship with someone that I had a right to be involved.
I was a mess, who was I to tell another what they should do, seriously. I hated my aunt or parents dictating to me, like they would receive my unsolicited advice any better or more willingly? what a joke Besides they were older... they werent going to listen to a kid.
I have found that by focusing on me... I slowly stopped obsessing on others. Now that behvior is gone altogether. I set boundaries & stuck to them. I got detachment & kept my nose to minding my own business MYOB. My mental health was my new job -- I fired myself from trying to fix or help other people that didnt want help anyway. I stopped looking to others for vaildation or to please them. I sat back & considered what I might want &/or need. I really had never done this in all of my life. i was as codie as they come, obsessed w/ my mom's happiness.
I didnt know how to love me & I had neglected myself most of my life. I thought by suffering, being a martyr proved my love... but they didnt know what I was sacrificing. All it did was hurt me & allow me to resent others uneccessarily. It wasn't fair to me or others.
All the issues with control... as lil kids we implement that stuff (trying to control others) b/c we have none. It is an illusion though - we cannot control anyone but ourselves. Once I began to focus on me & control me, it was SO empowering. I actually could appreciate my own input & hard work. Plus I had a lot more time to do more effective things with.
I also realized... if I wanted something, I had to give it first. Say I wanted understanding from another, that meant I had to be understanding first. Or if I wanted forgiveness, I had to forgive first. I found that I could attract what I wanted by doing it first.
I wanted to be healthy, so that became my new focus. I feel like a different person today, it feels like a miracle but I know, it came from my diligence & choice to get better & have a life. I did it ~ with a lot of help ~ but I did it. I used to never take credit, now I know it has it's place & I can enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Some days are harder than others & things are a real challenge. Some days, it isn't challenging at all. It takes practice - it's so worth it. I could not say I loved myself a few years ago. Today I value myself & that is priceless.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The codependent wants to fix other people, and the alcoholic knows how to be king of the world - just ask any one of us! Letting go means when I go to work, I do MY job, and let her do hers. If the pain becomes too much, and she has to quit - I'll support that decision. This is the person closest to me in the world right now, but I can't live her life.
Alice I know one thing for sure , it is impossible to let go - and control at the same time . You have tried the contolling it's not working , u have nothing to loose by letting go of someone elses life . What helped me alot was someone telling me to Allow them the dignity to Live or die the way they choose . I saw no dignity in dying a drunk , but i understood that thy had the right to choose , it was not my decission . When I was able to accept him as he was drinking or not i could have a relationship with him , when i started to resent again the choices he was making it went out the window , did that many times til I was able to step aside and get on with my life . I had been told many times to step aside so God could get at him . I heard little one linners that helped me alot 
