The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess I'm just glad he's not an alcoholic/drug addict. He treats me like a princess. I have a hard time being judgmental of people and realize nobody is perfect and Mr. Saint is not out there in the world. I hope that he's telling me the truth and he didn't act on it and that it will never happen again. He was honest, he accepted responsibility for what he did and was willing to face the consequence and these are things that I never had in a relationship before. He hid something from me and that is a HUGE mistake and I snooped which was mine... but I can think of a lot of things that I tolerated in the past that went way beyond that in risking my safety AND took being treated like crap on top of that. I guess it comes down to what is acceptable and unacceptable to each of us as individuals and to me if this never happens again everything else about him ranges from acceptable to delightful. So with that line of thinking it seems a second chance is deserved.
-- Edited by carolinagirl on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 01:35:10 PM
In most cases everyone deserves a second chance. You have thought your situation through and made a decision after much thought and soul searching. I hope everything works out for you.
I will add it has been my experience over the years that most people never change. I'm not implying no one ever does. Even though we trust, we must continue to be aware. Only my opinion. Trust is the most important ingrediant in any relationship, forgiviness is a close second. For me in the past when trust was broken, and forgiveness given, everything went back to square one with me, with one exception. From that point I took off my "horse blinds", I kept my eyes wide open, to see in all directions, and if the trust was broken again I knew exactly how I would handle the situation. The rule that always worked for me, and I continue to use when the matter is of a serious nature, is not "the third time is the charm", but "two strikes and you are out". In your case if the trust is broken it can take away far more than just your serenity. For me now there is nothing to over think. Trust, use good judgment and and remember to keep the "horse blinds"off.
Take what you like and leave the rest. Wish you only the best.
I know when I get into the meetings and work hard on the steps and almost daily talks with my sponsor, I keep my power with ME and the focus on ME and I am reminded that I can only change/control MY thoughts/actions etc.....
Our daily readers have great information on the subject of being judgmental. I needed all of it and more because when I did it or was doing it people I told "I loved" they would walk on egg shells around me hoping never to screw up and get caught by me. Being judgmental was also a personal set up. I actually was handing my life and my happiness and sadness over to others around me and exercising "conditions" if my value systems were violated. It also paniced me greatly when I got the blinders off as I learned about the 4th step and what that pronoun"ourselves" and how many fingers were pointing back at me as I pointed that one out at someone else. I appreciate what was said about forgiveness. That is how I want to appear always to others; someone who will not hold fault and "love always". Yes there are times when because it is the character of things or of others that something I once found confusing or not acceptable is repeated. I need to repeat forgiveness and if necessary work my detachment...adjusting how I play a part in it.
"There are men out there who have integrity, are honest, and will not do bad things. I am worthy of being loved by someone like that."
TLC wrote that and I agree with it and I agree that there are men out there who have changed drastically as a result of working a spiritual 12step recovery program and it would defy belief because of how they lived before. There are many men (I know many) who today know how to see others as worthy without condition and who love that way and who love all others that way regardless of who they are and how they see and believe things.
I learned my current definition of love in this program from a woman member who deeply impressed me with her own. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every human being for exactly who they are." She didn't say her alcoholic or mention any other qualification...she said every human being. There cannot be boundaries or I loose my freedom again. I am not willing to do that again ever.
I am sure there are things most of us have done when we were younger that we would not even consider now.
To me he does not need to change. It was a curiosity on his path to maturity.It is not part of his characteristics.
Just becuz I try smoking pot and get caught does not mean I am a pothead and need to change.
Remember this is a guy in his twenties! I did and said so many things then I would never do or say now. I so often wish I could apologise to my first husband who died, how sorry I am for things I said.
As we get older we change. We can be soooo sure about something and ten years later think the direct other direction.
Part of growing up and deciding the kind of mature person I want to be takes mistakes. We only grow up when we blow it or when things are hard.
He is on his own path. And Carolina I am really impressed how you used your program to get you guys thru this.
He sounds like a neat person.
I mispoke too. I had a younger man and I was just thinking if he had done that I would have handled it just like you. I could see the dipstick goofing up like that.
This is something I needed to tell myself and never did.......and faced the consequences. This program is helping me change that.
"There are men out there who have integrity, are honest, and will not do bad things. I am worthy of being loved by someone like that."
Even Saints are human. Forgiveness, tolerance, love - all good things and all things we imperfect humans need.
Oh me too....I got sick of the sick "consequences" and drug myself into all the meets I could find...my sponsor and I tore step 4 up over and over to root out all the "WHY's" I dd not love me enough to KNOW that there ARE guys out there who have integrity,honest,honour,character..........and ya know???? Working the steps/meets I LEARNED that nothing LESS then good , moral decent behaviour will I accept......the worrying, fretting, always having to set boundaries, the having to "snoop" b/c i "hope he is not lying THIS time"......I would rather beat my head against a wall then to have one like that in my life ever again!!! this growth did not "sneak up on me"....I had to WORK this program....I had to keep the focus on ME and MY shortcomings that were drawing such people in my life..l.I had to go back to my family of origin pain and SEE, WHY i kept *repeating* my past......
If steps, meets, sponsor work can help me it can help anyone...I was that bad...Thank God for this wonderful, life saving program....I am not even close to what I was b4 and this is just the beginning......"be ye transformed"....and all good things CAN come to me....but I had to be "transformed" to be able to handle my good...i am a work in progress, but at least, now, I can SEE that I deserve my good
I can either work my program and IMPROVE my life...Or I can stay in the same ole same ole and to me??? being crazy is doing/accepting the same ole same ole and *hoping for/expecting* DIFERENT out come........Forgiveness and tolerance are good things, however, if one *turns* from the sin, and makes amends, yea, to a POINT....like I said b4.......adultery, abuse, abuse of any substance, TRUST are big issues.....break em and I am outta there.......
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Wednesday 10th of June 2009 10:25:56 AM
Well said. I tolerated incredibly bad behavior in the past. I'm looking at that now. I think its a whole convuluted way of having low self esteem for me.
