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Just a little follow up on what happened with my BF. I work at a public health clinic and he came in here today to take me to lunch and get tested for every STD known to man - I also have to thank my coworker later for the tetanus and hep A/B shots she threw in. He still swears nothing ever happened. He still states he will do whatever it takes not to lose me and has followed through with everything immediately without trying to push any of the boundaries or make any excuses.
Yesterday I met his step sister and brother in law. I had to replace carpet in the condo I just moved out of and his bro in law does construction and came and laid it down in an hour - for free. That was very nice, and I met some more of his family. I am supposed to meet the rest on Sunday (father's day) but I have to drive one of my kids to camp that day and will be on the road for 7 hours so I'm not sure it's going to happen that day. I am interested to see if they are as bad as he has made them out to be and even more interested to see what he's going to do about it if they are. After talking to his step sister yesterday for an hour I got the impression that he's not exaggerating.
He graciously agreed to every boundary I set and number one on the list is no more secrets or lying and he understands that the consequence is that this relationship will be over. I guess whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? All I can do now is wait and see what happens. I am only giving ONE second chance. First time shame on him, second time shame on me. There won't be a third time!
I hope that you go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps.
DITTO DITTO DITTO......I had detached from this, but I thought, after prayer, it would be helpful to give my ESH when I saw this post from Robinks
I staid sick and used and abused until i got into meetings, got a sponsor, TWO of them.....and MANY books and workbooks on the 12 STEPS......God is not going to grab me by the scruff and force my nose in a step book, or drag me into a meeting, or throw a sponsor at me.......I gotta LOVE me enough to REACH OUT for it and DO THE WORK!!!!! FOR ME.....ABOUT ME.......to SAVE ME......I can only CHANGE ME.........
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Monday 8th of June 2009 05:53:39 PM
Usually, when the heat is on, people will do as you tell them to until the heat is off. It is what he will do when you think he has "straightened up" and let your guard down that will be the real test.
A friend who is a psychologist once told me: "When people expose themselves to you...BELIEVE IT". Which means that the impression you got of this guy when you saw those gross texts on his phone is the real one...the impression you are getting now that he is under ultimatum pressure is the "doing what it takes" him to keep you.
Ah, CA, we have all been there, alone and putting up with almost anything not to be alone again! ((((((((((((((((CA))))))))))))))))) My heart certainly goes out to you, BUT, I would be really really really really really really really really really wary to have a precocious "acting out" teenage girl around my "not that much older than her" cheating boyfriend!
ThisIsBlythe wrote:A friend who is a psychologist once told me: "When people expose themselves to you...BELIEVE IT". Which means that the impression you got of this guy when you saw those gross texts on his phone is the real one...the impression you are getting now that he is under ultimatum pressure is the "doing what it takes" him to keep you.
Ah, CA, we have all been there, alone and putting up with almost anything not to be alone again! ((((((((((((((((CA))))))))))))))))) My heart certainly goes out to you, BUT, I would be really really really really really really really really really wary to have a precocious "acting out" teenage girl around my "not that much older than her" cheating boyfriend!
You have brought up something that was weighing on my mind, but I've kept it to myself till now. I bolded what you wrote that concerns me.
There was a gal close to my age who lived in my neighborhood twice over a several year period. She had two daughters one year apart. She also hooked up with a boyfriend about 17 years her junior. There were many red flags with him, such as him allowing to support her, but the one that concerned me was when those two girls were teenagers.
She lived right across the street from me, and let me tell you, the youngest daughter dressed in some very provocative clothing, and I saw the looks he gave her. I also wouldn't put it past him or that daughter (who ended up in all sorts of trouble) that there were improprieties while the mother was at work.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I see you working real hard to set your boundaries and I support you doing that. I hope that you have more strength to stick to them if need be. I know that is something I have to work on. I get stuck on stupid when it comes to making sure my boundaries are not crossed. But I know i need to work on that and have been doing so. I hope your happiness last forever!!!
When we feel this indisisive, that does not look right. Well when we feel that way, if we have them leave, we may want them back. I really believe when we are done we know it, no question.
I am sure if you knew for sure,it would make you so sick no way would you want him around.
He is young, can still learn from his mistakes. I honestly believe most men are not even ready to have a relationship/commitment until they are thirty or over.
It is not something you just do or it sounds good so lets go for it. To KNOW you have no desire for anyone else, ready to support a family,know how to run a home, can nurture when you are sick,it comes with maturity.
Myself I want a man with experience,who knows his own balance. Is done messing around. To me or if that was done by my husband, that is cheating whether he did the deed or not.
When you are ready,you will be. Or maybe he will cont. to grow and you and he will find something special.
I can only give you my ESH. Whenever I stood my ground the ex A always promised the earth. There were times indeed when I swore he'd changed. When I left him for example he promised the world, he seemed incredibly motivated and I held off I waited and saw the light eventually. I am so glad I did.
I do know that I no longer see just alcoholism as something to look at. True there are incredible issues with substance abusers of any kind. There are also issues with people who have not separated from their families. My first husband was 40 when I met him, he'd left home for 20 years yet he was still absolutely fused to his family in so many ways. Eventually he went into intensive therapy and after we divorced he even became a therapist (years and years later). Nevertheless he was not husband material when I met him. He looked great, walked the talk and I knew no differently then. Did I also mention we committed very very quickly? Of course I always had a reason for these quick commitments, the finances, the need to marry before I was 30 (that was a big one for me), the need to establish myself, have a home ( I never felt I had one). I always had those overwhelming needs and I could always justify my actions. And I always always believed I would "make" it work no matter what if I put enough effot in it would work!
I'm really a firm believer in holding off now. A friend of mine once ended her friendship with me because she couldn't bear to witness me rush into another relationship (the last one I just got out of). At that time I was totally bewildered by her actions and felt confused, upset and really quite angry. I simplly could not understand why she was so strong on not moving in right away, having time apart, having a life of one's own. All those actions were not something I was in anyway familiar with and they felt like that they were not an option for me on any level. Rather, I felt like the world was ending in front of me and I had to rush into a relationship and utter commitment at every single level as soon as possible otherwise it wasn't worth my time and energy. Rushing was all I knew or rather was all I felt comfortable doing. Now there are different choices. You do indeed have choices and you are certainly implementing them but one of them is to back off and slow down and I can only imagine that was as difficult, awkward and alien to you as it always was to me. Nevertheless despite the opion of ending it at any time (which of course is far easier said than done) I do think going slower is a safer option no matter how lonely, deprived and desperate we are.
