The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
he's only been going to meetings for a week. our marriage is hanging by a thread. i don't have to tell you all the story, you've lived it or heard it before. suffice it to say, i didn't throw him out last week even though all of my friends told me to. i stayed. and he stayed. and we agreed to go to therapy together. he started going to AA. i started back in f2f Alanon meetings.
he had a business dinner tonight with clients who have always been hard partiers. they only know him as a hard partier too. i said, "maybe you should put the dinner off?" and "do you want me to come with?" no to both. (and the little voice inside of me is saying OF COURSE HE DOESN'T WANT YOU WITH HIM, HE WANTS TO DRINK!) he said, "i'll just tell them i'm on medication and i can't drink"
he said he'd meet me back at home around 9. it's 11:30. i know he succumbed. i'm not going to call him. i'm not going to text him. i don't know if he's with these clients still or if he went to go meet other people, maybe that former colleague who got into AA months ago and who i suspect him of fooling around with (i mean, he SAID he has feelings for her, what kind of an idiot am i if i actually believe that he completely cut off contact with her - like he said he did the other day).
WHY am i here?? WHY am i so dumb? i don't want to live this way anymore, but (get the violins out) i love him. either i love him or i'm addicted to him the way he's addicted to booze. or maybe it's both. it's probably both.
anyhoo. i have a meeting tomorrow and then an appt with my therapist. can't wait/
-- Edited by xter on Friday 5th of June 2009 10:45:30 PM
I am learning not to sit. Not ask why. It is hard I know. I am also learning to not apologize for loving my AHsober or trying to unlove him because he says he doesn't love me. I have been told I was a love addict by the therapist. Still it is hard. Have you heard of the five "Gets"? Get off his back, get out of his way, give him to his higher power, get to a meeting, and get on with your life. It helps. It is a disease and we and they are powerless. Keep coming back.
Your friends probably don't understand the disease. I used the analogy to mine,what if your husband had a brain tumor and treated you badly,what would you do?
You are NOT dumb. You are not ready to leave. Many have lots of times of leaving and coming back.
And yes you are right, we do become addicted to our AH or AW. Just like the A,we have to be sure it is the time to stop. We have to learn skills or tools to do that.
I am sad he is not there, I remember that horrid feeling. Maybe not wait and go to bed, read or whatever to get your mind off him and his disease.
Glad you are here. Check and see if anyone is in the chat room. i spent LOTS of time there and it saved my sanity.
Wow sounds very similar to something I would have written 2 months ago, but he is still actively drinking. Good for you for not calling!! Let go, Let god!!
My sponsor always told me when you don't know what to do then do nothing at all. Nothing is a verb!
Keep coming back!!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I'm glad you are attending face to face meetings. You've made the right choice. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Stay busy. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
thank you all for your support. i went to bed, read and didn't wake up when he came in at 3am. he slept in the spare bedroom, which put me into a slight panic. this morning he needed a hug. he needed comfort. he was like, "i'm the most terrible person!" i told him that he wasn't. but i comforted him. i hugged him. i held him. and then what?
i needed comfort (and fine, a little drama too) of my own. i asked him if he was still "in love" with that former-trainwreck-now-sober friend. and he nodded (even though he's erased every trace of her in his life, i've checked). well. that sent me into tears. why did i ask when i knew the answer? gah! i told him that he doesn't deserve me. "you know that, right? you do not deserve me." (and saying that made me feel really good for a moment)
let me add here that this bit o drama on a saturday morning is NOT unusual (of course it isn't) but today it made me miss my saturday morning meeting. at least i am going to talk to my therapist at 11.
share your stories with me, i need to hear them. why do we love the AHsober? do we really love ourselves?
Thank you for sharing. Please be gentle with yourself. Sounds like you are trying to take it one step at a time. Please try to love yourself as much as you love him.
Reading your post reminded me of the many, many, many times I waited for my A to come home or to fulfill a promise...and the many times I was disappointed......
Gosh please don't beat yourself up. Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is hard enough going without you taking the stick to yourself. Ending any relationship is a hard long haul. For me I needed years of support here before I could do that.
You are looking out for yourself. You are taking a lot of steps to get better and acting on it. I think that is formidable. Please be kind to yourself. You need support love and care at this time.
When I see what you're feeling, what I also see is that you're feeling as if you can do something, do anything different. I'd like to be the first to reassure you that you're doing just fine. You're not living through anything any of us haven't. I also want to tell you that things are going to be ok. that said, I'd like to recommend something. Don't sacrifice your sleep to wait up for what you know is inevitable: if you know he's gonna come home drunk, there's no reason why you shouldn't be rested and reasonable. You already know not to argue with him, but also don't engage with him, and this is something that I can tell you're already doing (not engaging him when he's drunk I mean). I also want to encourage you not engage with him the morning after--no matter what, what he says will be meaningless unless it's backed up by action, and he's not there yet. I'm really glad you came here and asked for help. You're totally on the right track. I'm really proud of you.
I can totally feel the pain in your post and I am so sorry you are/were there. I know that pain so well. too. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Its totally one day or one moment at a time! My best thoughts and prayers are with you. It will all be OK, really. HP has wonderful plans for you! hugs, J.
QUOTE "WHY am i here?? WHY am i so dumb? i don't want to live this way anymore, but (get the violins out) i love him. either i love him or i'm addicted to him the way he's addicted to booze. or maybe it's both. it's probably both.
anyhoo. i have a meeting tomorrow and then an appt with my therapist. can't wait/
ROSIE___to me?? I knew no other way to live...had no self love or self respect...as that grew in recovery, my attraction for unhealthy people diminished....They turn me off now....Thank God!!!!!
