The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my bf stayed the night last night, helped me unpack and move furniture, etc. This morning I'm in the shower and he's sleeping and I get that voice in my head from yesterday that lingered from a poster saying something about secret keepers and what secrets is he keeping from you. Soooo I noticed his phone sitting on the sink and before doing it thought.... don't ask questions you don't want the answer to but then thought no... I know this guy... he is what he appears...he's got no secrets from me...
So as I was preparing to get ready for a big job interview today I look at his messages (shows emails too) and find (god I don't even want to say...) emails from a "dom tranny" met thru craigslist setting up to meet for sex a couple weeks ago. So I'm in shock because this is contradictory to everything that I know about him. I confronted him. I have pretty much lost all trust in anything he says. He's crying, he doesn't want to lose me, swears he didn't follow through just something he's been curious about, he'll do anything to make it right, etc. I'm still in shock and not sure what I'm doing. I have talked to him all morning on the phone and still don't know what I'm going to do. Half of me says you love him he loves you give him a chance and the other half says he's full of crap and he's only going to be sneakier next time and do a better job of covering his tracks. I can't decide whether to believe him and give him one more chance or cut it off now and assume he's full of crap all the time. I thought I was in a monogomous, safe relationship and now I'm not so sure.
-- Edited by carolinagirl on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 02:39:30 PM
((((CG))))) WOW-what an eye opener. I can only speak for myself but if it were me I would think that anyone who is a secret keeper is hiding lots of things. What was done destroyed your trust in him and rightfully so. If I were in your shoes I doubt I could ever trust him again, and there is so much disease and stuff out there it is downright scarey. You've been in this relationship for four months, and in that time, he has broken up with you, he keeps you as a secret and now he has outright been deceiptful. All of that in 4 months time-the beginning part of the relationship where everyone is usually on their best behavior. It's time to take care of you and put you and your children above this man. You DESERVE THE BEST in this life......As yourself Whose Will really is it for you to be with him? Is it yours or HP's? Be Safe and Take care of u!
keep it simple shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I did a weighted pro and con list that was very detailed and complicated and it came out a dead tie. I guess when you don't know what to do then do nothing... I am going to talk with him some more and just wait and see what happens in the next few days, see how I feel and what I believe as time goes on. Good point shelly about all those things and it's in the "good" part of the relationship, I pointed that out to him. Trust me I know about disease, I work with it every day, and here I was thinking I was "safe"... UGH.
I don't know about you but I don't even want someone who is "curious" and does this kind of thing.
The fact is he did mess with it.
Plus do you want a kid or a man in your life? I don't like being in the position of feeling I need to "mother" the man I am with.
From knowing you, you have your hands full with passionate, healthy,busy kids!
Monogomous to me means I have no other. He already has, whether he did it or not means nothing to me.It was in his head, and he acted on it. We do not know if he went thru with it.
Again no thanks. I do know it would be awful as you have invested in him, your kids know him. Plus there is something about him you love. As it is he put you in a potential life threatening position.
If I were you I would go get tested for std's. Just to ease my mind. People do not like to share about sexual deviation.
Also would say "safer sex" is a must.
All the while writing this I feel a huge lump in my gut as I do not want to see you hurt. You have come sooooo far up your path. Been thru so much with the AH.
When we are all wrapped around a significant other, our kids don't get as much attention. Hopefully the other likes our kids.
He can never be a father. Step parents can only support their spouces parenting and be friends with the kids for it to work.
I agree, when I don't know I don't know and that is the answer for now. Also taking some time is good too. I honestly don't beleive it is the age difference that is the issue, it is the maturity level.
I like a man to cry, but now when he has been caught.
Glad you come here . Keep coming and venting I have a lot of respect for you after you sharing your journey for these years here.
Carolina girl, your story is my AH and what got me into Al-Anon at the beginning of 2008.
I almost thought you were repeating my story verbatim.
Well, it's almost the same... for me there were emails involved... me going ballistic, a week of "someone's trying to play a trick on me" stories from the AH, a suicide attempt from the AH when I wouldn't believe his fabrications, and THEN an "I was just curious" excuse after the suicide attempt failed.
Yes, I am still with my AH after all of that. This IS a very personal journey for each of us, so I'm not here to make suggestions or give advice beyond using the tools you've acquired with the Al-Anon program to help you work out what your truth is in all of this.
I'm still not sure if I'm going to stay with my AH or not. I have good days with him and then I have bad days, too.
One thing I know is "if nothing changes, nothing changes." Which means, if my AH isn't trying to change himself for the better, the past is likely to repeat itself.
It's taken me a lot of soul-searching, a lot of conversations with my sponsor, a lot of reading of CAL and similar literature, and a lot of meetings to be in a place where right now I'm "okay" with his behavior because he is providing a tremendous learning and growth opportunity for me... but at some point in time - when I am ready - I may decide to cut off the relationship with respect if I see change is never forthcoming on his part.
I am sorry to hear you're going through what you are. It is painful and confusing.
He sounds like a sex addict. They don't change overnight. They thrive on being sneaky and getting away with it. In the past, I would give someone a 2nd chance. Today, I give MYSELF the 2nd chance at choosing life and not messing with possible horrific consequences. Sorry you have been betrayed and hope you choose what is best for YOU.
Aloha, I remember that and I remember thinking how could someone stay with someone who did something like that. I may have even said it. It IS complicated and we are all on our own journey. I understand now. You never know what you'll do til you're in the situation and a decision has to be made.
I absolutely understand that you are very invested in him and that he brings a lot to the table. I can also say that a great deal of my relationship with my ex A was about changing him. Like many relationships my relationship with him started off great, he offered me a good deal. He went to great lengths to get me to invest time and effort in our relationship then he gradually began to show me the real person he was. I chose daily not to see the red flags. I knew very very early on he had many many issues. Infidelity was not an issue in our relationship his relationship with his family was huge for me. I could see no way around it but to be a bull in a china shop. I certainly couldn't detach and I certainly invested and confronted and found myself even more mired in the relationship.
Just my two cents. I have absolutely no judgment about anyone staying in a relationship I stayed for 7 years. I had reasons to stay but I also went out of my way to invest more and more energy and time and commitment to a relationship that was a lot about my obsession with changing him.
