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I've had enough! I've posted on here before about my dry drunk husband and his controlling behaviors, but he went too far the other night and I think it's time to file for divorce.
He followed me to my f2f meeting (which I didn't find out about until later) and then when I met with my sponsor at the park, evidently he was driving all around town looking for me and when he didn't find me, accused me of cheating on him and not going to the meeting.
He accuses me daily of cheating on him (we're seperated) and I have done nothing to make him think that, other than go to al-anon and take care of myself. I am SO tired of his controling behavior and the fact that he won't get a real job and continues in his buying, selling and trading to make a living (which he isn't) really irrates me. So it's back to accepting the things I can not change, which is him. He's been this way all his life and he isn't going to change for me or anybody else, not that I haven't tried!
I'm so mad at myself for getting myself into this marriage in the first place. I have only been married three years, and I knew better before I married him. I had an al-anon friend ask me what attracted me to this guy and kept me in this relationship? I don't know! I don't know what makes me put up with unacceptable behavior. I don't know what makes me want to want something that is obviously so bad for me. Intellectually I know it's my codependent nature, but I still haven't been able to break free of it after all these years. I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF!
I know I need to take care of myself and "change the things I can" which is me. I need to start with what is my responsibility to myself and I can't even seem to do that. I have bills that need to be paid, a family (86 year old mom, and 11 year old daughter) that I need to take care of and me. I haven't been able to do the things that I need to do to take care of us, like clean house, wash dishes, do laundry, etc.
I have allowed this obsession to get the best of me and I need to take immediate action to sever my relationship with him, so that I can get on with my life. We have been seperated since February and nothing has changed, nor do I expect it to.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any experience, strength and hope or insight to this situation would be appreciated.
JAVA___I'm so mad at myself for getting myself into this marriage in the first place. I have only been married three years, and I knew better before I married him. I had an al-anon friend ask me what attracted me to this guy and kept me in this relationship? I don't know! I don't know what makes me put up with unacceptable behavior. I don't know what makes me want to want something that is obviously so bad for me. Intellectually I know it's my codependent nature, but I still haven't been able to break free of it after all these years. I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF!
ROSIE_____Welcome to the club....when I married my 1st A, I knew it was mistake,but I had ZERO self esteem so it was "comfortable"....My family were "A's".....That was my sick comfort zone.....kids growing up in dysfunctional families, don't KNOW what is healthy, so how could we make good choices..With low self esteem and fear of not being able to "make it on my own".....Hey I messed up...So what???? I learned , eventually, and just gave up men.....extreem, but it worked after A #2 and I busted up in 2000, it worked until I could figure out "what is wrong with me to attract so much unhappiness in my life????"
the "whats wrong" was my THINKING.....So, in '04 I finally drug myself into 12 steps after a couple of support groups that helped a bit but no SOLUTIONS like 12 steps and I , working step 4 intensely I figured out WHY I was continuing the sicko patterns in my adult life......I too, was mad at myself for "messing up again" but I have made the conscious decision EACH DAY to *ease up on me......lighten up on me*....I'll be OK....Its gonna take time.....
for the first 4 years, NO op sex relationships....NOT until I had self awareness and an intimate relationship with God and myself....In that order, I guess, but anyway the *big 2* I had to have relationship with FIRST.....Now???? I think I could hold up my end in a healthy relationship....It took a lot of working on me B4 I could come to that place.....I am a diferent woman...socially, professionally, ALL ways....I am Healing.....becoming healthier....stronger.....
You are NOT alone in what you did....I totally understand and relate to what you did.....HEY....the good news is that you are AWARE!!!!! That is the first big step....AND you are HERE....I would say that is a VERY good indication that better things are ahead.....
For me to keep attracting dysfunctional people it did matter...It was a pattern if I was doing it as often as I did....hard step 4 work and going back to my family of origin roots...the HOW I got this way did matter....I don't want to treat my symptoms...I want to get to the cause....That is the only way to get free of my shooting myself in the foot with the same mistakes......the more I become self aware of me and close to my HP, I lessen these chances of attracting the "same ole same ole misery"......
rosielightshines, I realized I'd got off my program base and have started working my second step 4, it's been a few years, since I did my first one when I came in the program 17 years ago! I'm learning a lot more about myself, this time around. java
I left my dry AH in Feb too. I am thinking the same thing. The big D word... it was awful when it first came to mind, but for me it's facing my own reality (even know I don't really want to).
We've shared so many great memories. That's the tough part... and yes I also regret getting married. Right now it feels like salt in the wound.
His behavior doesn't change... meaning it changes all the time. I never know what I am going to get. Never know when I am going to get attacked again. It IS horrible. Thank god for this program, I am learning a lot about myself.
I know how you feel, and I know it's no fun. I am happy you shared, it helps me knowing that someone is going through similar woes.
I can relate, I was beating myself up pretty hard for what I had been though too, like I made it happen... I didnt ask my mom to neglect me emotionally or exploit me when I was a kid nor did she ask her mom to be abused. We both have terrible codependnet tendencies. It changed for me when I got focused on discovering self love. I created boundaries & stopped putting up with unacceptable behavior. I was still meeting guys to date but if I thought they drank too much or seemed A-ish, I just wasn't interested. The worst stuff would come up in me, the desperation & the wanting it immediatley. So I moved away from those ppl. Once I wasnt automatically acting so codependently (alone) I could look at deeper issues I had & begin to evolve slowly. I told myse;lf relationships take time to devlop & unfold & I stopped trying to rush or make things fit. I began to work to become the partner I was seeking. I wasnt that dynamic anymore or adventurous but I could be healthy in my head & that was what I worked on. Forgive yourself for repeatting things & look with new eyes.
What we focus on grows, so look to positivity, change & health & stop focusing on others. I love that expression, "listen with your eyes" it reminds me to wait & observe behavior, not just take what I hear & expect it to be so. I wait & will see if others can change. But I dont focus on that, I focus on what I can change in me.
I too was here in al-anon over 20 years ago but I slipped & ended up marrying an addict and got away from program. I dont know if I ever really surrenderred to the simplicity of it all. Just working on me is such a relief! I no longer obsess for others or wish that they would change. That is just a waste of my precious energy.
I'm glad ur sick of it, it means you will be ready to make some positive changes for you! Just getting to acceptance can be so empowring... I'm excited for you, good for you. Focus on you & want you want & need. You deserve to get what it is that you want.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I used to be tremendously angry about getting involved with the ex A and then staying involved. I think its was now proof that I did not know how to take care of me. I was still looking for someone else to help me. Helping sometimes comes with a huge payoff involved. There is no question the ex A helped me at times but the cost was too high.
I hope you will be kind to yourself in this difficult time. I think its bad enough being stalked without blaming yourself for it.
I've had enough! I've posted on here before about my dry drunk husband and his controlling behaviors, but he went too far the other night and I think it's time to file for divorce.
