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I am so upset and angry, I am shaking. ADaughter is supposed to move in her apt. tomorrow. Her soon to be ex husband agreed to pay the apartment rent for one year.
well move in date is tomorrow and guess what??? He has not paid a dime and will not answer the phone. So, who does daughter call??? Me of course. To make a long story short, I went to my bank, wired $600.plus $25.fee for the transfer to her account. I know, enabling, etc., but I could not refuse her. I did tell her that I would have to be paid back. We are on fixed income.
Then i told her to GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!!!!!!! So, far she has been unrepresented and just going on her husband's "word of honor". All I wanted to do is say "Jen, I told you so", but I kept my mouth shut; just opened my purse!!!!! I am angry at her for not getting an attorney and angry at him for not being the gentleman he claims to be. Lord, i wish the phone would ring and it would be him. His ears would fry from my words to him.
God help us all. I know, Let go, Let God; but difficult to let go when your child calls crying. It killed her to ask for the money.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
this is awful, you have my sympathy, and I respect your call on this, I would not see it as enabling, especially as I gather she would not have found it easy to ask you for this,
I have put my A Mom through some things from the drama between me and my A Hubby. Unlike your daughter, I am not an A and I am pretty much financially independent. But one thing is the same....it was always my mom I ran to when things were bad. I just politely asked her not to give me her opinion. I explained how I was confused. I told her that I could talk bad about my A but she could not, becasue I may hate him today and love him tomorrow. I expressed how I needed her because I was going through a hard time. I needed her to be there for me and not fight my battle. She honored all of my request and I couldn't have asked for better. I know you want to just give that guy a piece of your mind, but your actions will only be amo for him to use against your daughter. And for me nothing hurt more than my A mom and A hubby fighting. Good Luck.
Your a good person..And I can relate to the fixed income thing..gotta pinch my dimes all the time...
I hope daughter gets real good and mad and GETS A LAWYER!!!! One can only pray and turn it over.......I don't think you enabled her....I do, however, hope that its money you can afford to lose in the event she fails to pay you back...She is an "A" , so its possible, trying to make it on her own, and with her not in recovery, she may not pay you back......Lets hope she does!!!!!! Bless your heart...You love your daughter...You love your doggie!!! God will bless you for that.............Rosie
This is a very difficult situation. I have a friend who is gettting a divorce, is unemployed, has as attorney and is still not getting money from her husband. He is wealthy as well. She has moved in with friends and is job hunting.
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and thanks for understanding why I sent her the money. I could tell it hurt her deeply to ask for my help. I would do anything for my children(and my doggie) to make their life better. I have cried more today than I have in a long, long time.
My heart is broken for her in the way he has treated her and yet she says she still loves him. Very confusing for me.
She has an appointment to see an attorney on Tuesday. I will go with her to give moral support and also pay for the visit. It will be $100 for half hour. I am in the wrong buisness!!! Anyway, I will weigh our options and see if perhaps I should hire the attorney and perhaps try to get some of the money back by asking him to pay for the fees and the court cost. Perhaps in the long run, it will be best, because if I don't, we will be going through this every month.
I absolutely do not know how a man can treat someone like this. She took care of his house, his kids, the farm animals, his mom while she was dying while he was on the job of being a pilot. She had the fairy tail romance; living on a ranch, all the farm animals she loves, his good job(which he did not share the money) and he is drop dead georgeous. Oh how she tried. My heart is broken because she thinks he will take her back.
And one of you were right when you said that I should keep my mouth shut regarding him. The main reason I want to hire the attorney is to get even with him; let him know that his good looks, wonderful job means nothing when compared to a pissed off mother in law!!!!!!
He and his family have always looked down on us; thinking they are better than we are. Well, you don't have to be poor to be trash!!!! They prove you can have money and still be trash. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Clara call Legal Aid and ask for the number for "attorney referral.' I believe it is a federal program. You daughter being with out funds makes her eligible for it.
You only have to pay $35 for the first visit. Many attorneys will then give you a better fee.
Most attorney offices will give you the number also.
You know it is ok that she loves him. She just does. What we hope they learn is they lovem but they need to take care of themselves first.
You did what you felt you had to do. It is always your decision!I am like you, I would do about anything for my kiddo's and animal family.
So my dear, what are you going to do to help YOU? What can you do with all that anger adrenline?
One thing for sure, your daughter is going to have to figure out something quickly. The lawyers and courts move at a snails pace and next months rent will be due before she knows it. One thing you said.. I absolutely do not know how a man can treat someone like this. I'm playing Devil's advocate here. Although your daughter may have done all the things you mentioned for her husband, she is an A. You know it is the most frustrating thing ever to have to deal with! I'm sure the husband has many resentments built up. His world has been destroyed by her and her alcoholism.
I know your daughter needs monetary help right now. That's all understandable. But for me, I do think it fringes on enabling to attack the husband and back her up. Granted, I don't know the all the circumstances (and I'd bet you don't either). I only know what it is like to be married to an A. It's hell. It's full of false promises, lies, manipulation and dishonesty..did I say lies, lies and more lies?. I can promise you that what your daughter has told you is not the whole story. From my view when you verbally attack him and say how evil and rotten he is, it supports her AND her alcoholism. It tells her that no matter what she did to him, no matter what pain she caused him in the marriage, you are going to turn on him, allowing the alcoholism yet another foothold and approval. Remember, he kicked her out. That didn't come out of nowhere or over night.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hey Clara - There are some really good points posted here. One I would like to make one that kind of goes along the lines with Christy. We all have to remember that there are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story. Typically when someone tells us a story, they will leave out a few key points that may paint them in bad light. I think we ALL probably do that whether we realize it or not.
I don't blame you for loaning your daughter the rent money. I probably would have done the same. Heck, I have done the same with my exAH. I "loaned" him $100 a couple of months ago. I have yet to get it back though. I kind of expected that when I loaned it to him in the 1st place. I won't ask him for it back but I have let him know that my budget is EXTREMELY tight. Maybe he will take the initiative to give it back on his own. Hmm, we shall see.
If I were in your shoes, I would try to get the ex-husband's side of the story BEFORE ripping him a new one. Even with both sides of the story, it is hard to piece together what actually happened but it may give you a little bit more understanding and tolerance. Also keep in mind those old sayings: "You get more flies w/honey than vinegar" and "Kill 'em w/kindness". Just my 2 cents. Take what you like, leave the rest.
I clearly remember the day my AD called me crying because once again she had been kicked out of where she was living and needed a truck to get things moved in less than 24 hours.
That one almost threw me for a loop because she hadn't used the crying routine for a long time on me.
But then I remembered all the other times she had been kicked out of places due to her lies, manipulation, and refusal to take responsibility, and I had no problem telling her I had no access to a truck, even if I did I wasn't coming to help, and I wished her good luck.
She managed to get it done without me and a truck-imagine that!
What she does with her life is none of my business, even when she tries to make it my business. She's an adult and entitled to feel the consequences of her own actions.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Thanks everyone for all the wonderful and thoughtful words on my post. It is one heck of a mess for sure.
I do know there are 2 sides to every story. I do know that I find it impossible to live with my daughter for a few days, much less be married to her. So, I can sort of relate to my son in law's position on this. However, I do not know if I have mentioned that he is also an alcholic. My daughter has owned up to her problem and has faced it head on by going to rehab. On the other hand, he is still drinking, probably smoking pot; also he is a pilot(scarey!!!!). No one forced Jen to take her first drink. His entire family has issues with alchol. In order to "fit in", she would join them every night for "cocktail hour", and so the story goes.
Also, they are big in the sport of hunting. Jen is an animal lover from the heart of her soul. I was never so shocked when she "bagged" her first deer. Again in order to fit in the family.
While she was still working, she would come home from work and all of hubbies buddies were there drinking, etc. When hubbie is between flights, he does as he pleases. They would be down at the river, drinking, smoking. Dirty dishes in sink, mud in the house on the floors; you get the picture.
Hubbie purchases all kind of "rich boy toys"; tractor, flat bed trailer, $7,000 hunting trips(with his buddies, while Jen stayed home and took care of the ranch and farm animals), plasma TV. All of these purchases were made by hubbie and never discussed with Jen. Now, I realize Jen has a ton of baggage in this train wreck of a marriage, but hubbie, well that is another story and I will never defend him in the treatment of my daughter. I do not mean to sound "crabby" in this post. Like was said"There are two sides of every story".
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I just read Christy's post and it made SO much sense to me...I know when I left my A I wouldn't have helped him if he were on FIRE!! I was FULL of resentment and his mom attacked me, thought I was the b**ch for leaving him, and "oh yea, it was my fault...HE was the drunk"...
Anyway, I see you as a caring, loving mom and there is no shame in that, however, I can see the husband being so p***ed off, he does not want to help....There is nothing worse than being stuck with an alkie or a narkie.....There were times I wanted to kill my 1st one because he made my life hell.....
I remember when he got bitten by a dog, after I had moved out...Had to blow my tax refund on my own apt, utilities, etc., I had to start over. and he calls me, like 2 weeks later, I am doing "bookwork" for landlady because I did not have the security deposit...She said "no prob. You need help and so do I on my books"...
He calls me on the phone and yells at me----- "I got bitten by a dog"...and all I could say was "too bad it didn't eat you.....DEAL with your OWN stuff...I am DONE"...I never even asked about what happened, how bad it was...I DID NOT CARE!!!!
.I just hated him!!! I look back now and I have given over the hate/resentment because I realize that asking an "A" to be a decent husband/wife is like shacking up with a copper head.....It is only gonna bring me pain.....
God bless you for your loving heart!!! I can totally relate to a mom wanting to help her child...hell, I made things too easy for my narkie daughter...FINALLY I got sick of helping her do the stuff that was HER responsibility, I finally STOPPED.....No more money...NOTHING....I cried...I wept rivers...I felt like hell, but it was the ONLY hope I had of her hitting bottom and realizing that she needs help.....She kinda started NA meets for a while and we actually got along for a while..... and then quit!!! BACK to the old drugging on Crystal Meth......She has a boyfriend now who is druggie and they drug out together....one day, the cops will call me and tell me they found her little , used to be beautiful, body----Dead.....I keep praying she will hit bottom, end up in rehab or something like my "dry drunk" little brother did and at LEAST stop using....
..All I am saying is that these substance abusers can drive a person nuts!!! I am not vicious or cruel, however, my 1st A made me so triggered grabbing me adn throwing me around, I grabbed a bayonet, one night, and chased him for a block until the neighbors grabbed me and said "Don't go to jail for him" and they gave me refuge at one of their houses.....and to his mom??? I was the bad one!!! I was the blame.......
I am so glad I am in this program and now??? I RUN if I even THINK a prospect is a drinker or user or abuser or cheater.......
I am so sorry you are going through this....My prayer is that you keep working on you and taking care of CLARA!!!!! CLARA needs you!!!!
I know this is frustrating for you. There are plenty of really good lawyers who will do pro bono work for your daughter. Call the legal aide society in your cummunity, they are there to help.
At some point your daughter is going to have to figure how to live, unless you are planning on supporting her. She needs to get to agencies and ask for their help. I understand you don't want her out on the street, but she made adult decisions that she has to live with. You can be loving and supportive without enabling her. Allow her the dignity to make her own decisions and live the consequences of those decisions, good or bad. She also has to accept her responsibility for her part in the marriage. Good or bad, it takes two. My sister refuses to accept her part in her marriage. It's all about blaming the other person. She does this with my niece too. When she moved out, Mom didn't think it had anything to do with her.
Addiction doesn'tallow people to treat other people the way they should be treated. They have a disease. It doesn't justify the behavior only explains it. The way we think they should treat another human being is not the way the disease lets them treat them. It's all about getting the next fix, the next drink, and getting it any way they can.
Encourage your daughter. Be supportive. Show her how it can be done. But she's got to do the leg work. Just like we have to do our foot work in our recovery. Give my love to Bonnie Lou. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
