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My husband wants to set up separate households. He wants us to split expenses. He thinks our expense split should reflect the fact that I earn about $1000 more per month than he.
I just gave him a proposal where I am paying $1040 more of the joint monthly expenses than he does, and he's angry that I am not paying part of his rent. -- The rent is part of the total monthly joint expenses.
To my way of thinking, he wants to make everything complicated: I send him X amount of dollars each month for a portion of Y bills; while he sends me A amount of money for a portion of B bills. I figured it out where we each pay the total bill for the areas where we agree to be responsible. My areas total $1040 more than his.
Am I being unreasonable here? I actually thought I was being overly generous. I don't want to separate and yet I just rolled over and agreed to what I thought he wanted.
Help, please. I'm sad and tired and not thinking straight.
I am confused. If you are living separately, what bills are you splitting? In my way of thinking, if you are split, you each pay your own expenses. The only exception being joint debt. If you have credit cards in both of your names, then that can get tricky. So you both have rent/mortgage, utilities, car payments, etc. You pay yours, he pays his. It doesn't matter who is making what kind of money in my book. If kids are involved, that makes things a bit more difficult too. Just my 2 cents worth. QOD
Oh and another thing.....if you are both still living together but as room mates now vs a couple, then all expenses should be split 50/50. Regardless of who makes what! You each should pay 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the phone bill, 1/2 the electric, 1/2 the water. I mean seriously. Is he going to be living in less than 1/2 the place, using less than 1/2 the electric or water or phone? If he wants his portion less than yours, then he should get less the benefits. Again, just my 2 cents worth. QOD
I would seriously talk to an attorney about a legal seperation. When my husand left the state and went to Kentucky for treatment, I set up a legal seperation between the two of us, so that everything financial would be settled legally. Sometimes dealing with an alcoholic, you just can't get a reasonable reaction. This is just my take on the situation. It doesn't mean your getting a divorce, it just means that your protecting yourself legally.
I agree with the responses here, do what u need to to protect yourself legally, financially. A's do take advantage & will demand the heaven & earth from you w/out giving much themselves.
I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage trying to placate a totally unreasonable addict that isnt happy with anything. I ended up paying for my own engagement ring to shut him up as he constantly told me he spent too much money. This was three years into my marriage. Once I gave him the $6K for the ring ~ he got so much meaner & crueler than b4.
I dont know if I would be generous to be nice, it may set a precedent financially.
Don't do anything (or pay) for him that he can do himself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
really really complicated...ugh I can recall it well! I know that when I separated from my A spouse (who earner more than I did), I rented a room, not a whole place (which was terrific, the woman was living an incredible life of recovery) and I did work as much as I could even though I was going to grad school. Also, I got straight A's so I got tuition waivers, etc. I did so much to economize. I went with so little- it was actually great because it taught me a lot about what I really need and do not need in my life. Are you both making efforts to economize? Do you have enough after giving him the extra money? The other thing you could do is set aside that extra money to put into a savings account for a later date to be determined by both of you- I do think that if its possible, its best to have him pay for his gig and you pay for yours. There are so many factors to situations like this, its not easy to sort it out with a cut and dried answer. I wish you the very best and know how hard this is! hugs, J.
I think I would talk with a lawyer....That way there isn't as much emotion, trying to settle with someone who is not in recovery...I agree with the other posters here....PROTECT YOU!!!
When my husband and I were seperated I lived in an apartment. I paid all of my own bills and he paid all of his bills and our house note on our home. We own the home together but the note is in his name only. I though ahead about that. Protect yourself, don't feel sorry for him. He has enough money to drink, right? Good Luck, Sincerely, Tonya
the posters have given you lots to think about. I am reading (for the 3rd time) CoDependant No More. What i am getting from it at this point and time, is my tendancy to "give give give" just may be codependant behaviour, in that I am hoping it will prompt a certain response or outcome from/with my aH. I have always been so worried about making my aH happy, that in the process, I became very unwell and unhappy myself.
hmmm husband wants separate households == well for me that would mean his household costs are his . period got nothing to do with me at all . As for family bills , maybe divide them up and each take care of equal amounts . Pay him a sum of money for his apt ? Why should u be punished because u make money than he does . . i don't think so . just my opinion Louise
When it comes to things like that for me I go to my value system of "fair, honest and just". If it doesn't fit within that...I don't do it. I don't get to be more responsible than the other...co responsible yes but more...they'd have to be a better salesman than me to convince me to treat myself unfairly.
Thanks to all for the responses. I really didn't think I was unreasonable.
BTW, my husband is over 30 years sober and has a Ph.D. He goes to meetings most weeks. He still has strange ideas--to my way of thinking. If I ever talk program with him, he brings up his "years" and "education" to shut me down. I do shut down because there's a concrete wall in front of me. Of course, he talks program to me at least weekly and I'm just supposed to listen and agree, which I do.
When I made out the budget to suit his world view, I took all the joint debt, including 08 tax payments and saving for 09 taxes. Why? Because that's how I protect myself. He pays his bills, direct quote, "I always pay my bills when I can." The "when I can" part is the problem; he doesn't plan for repayment.
There is no mortgage on our home where I will be staying. So, his first thought was that it was unfair that he had to pay rent while I got to stay somewhere rent-free. It didn't seem to make any dent in his brain that I had already agreed to pay more than $1000 a month of expenses than he.
After the expenses, neither one of us has much money left over, but there is a little. My main concern is the first 4 to 6 weeks. Our income doesn't come monthly. We work (individually) as subcontractors, online. One of his contracts pays monthly but most pay every 8 to 9 weeks.
This is a very hard one. When I split from the ex A I did end up helping him for months. I paid way over the limit for that. I was really hooked in.
I'm not sure why or what you are separating but I presume you are working to preserve your assets. I suggest you work with that in mind rather than with what's fair. I paid way over the limit for the ex A for months but I did manage to preserve my dogs (who were living with him). They survived. I am glad I did that.
Thanks again to all who have responded. Husband leased a house last week in my old hometown. I'm still pretty bent out of shape about the whole deal. We'll see how it all pans out.
He says he's doing it for us. I have a hard time seeing it that way. In fact, I'm pretty much heartbroken. But, I'll get over that.
I think if I can get over the financial hump of the first 30 days' adjustment I'll be all right.
