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Hi Family, Things have changed a lot between my dry drunk bf and I over the last few weeks. I call him a dry drunk because he does not currently attend meetings and has never worked the steps although he says he is an AA for 18 yrs. Over the last few weeks he has been more committed to the relationship and has gone out of his way for me (ie. stood by my bedside when I was sick, fixed/repaired things around my home, shown genuine concern for my son). I am very grateful for the changes and have become more hopeful in a sense. My bf has tried to call his sponsor in order to start a 4th step, but was gently reminded that he needs to start at "one" again. At least he is attempting to work his program with his sponsor.
Over the years I have learned to think through how I want to confront the A's in my life (whether active, dry drunk or recovering) as it has always been sort of a challenge to me. I'm sure some of you can identify. Recently an issue came up that I need to confront my BF about. I got a wedding invitation a few weeks ago and when I originally asked my BF to go with me, he told me that he does not really own dress clothes (as he is more the biker type). He said we would have to talk about it. Well, we have been busy with many other things and the wedding is this Friday. Today I text him and asked him if he was going to the wedding with me on Friday. His answer was "Got no clothes". I then asked him, if he had clothes would he go. His answer, "Talk about it later"....Grrrrrrr...I get very frustrated with non-committal answers and it is often hard for me to hold my tongue for fear that I would not "say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean".
I sat down and wrote him an email and told him that I was very disappointed in the way that he handled things with me. I told him that it was very inconsiderate to be on the fence and that if he didn't want to go, then he should have said "NO" and if he did want to go, then he should say, "Yes" and make whatever arrangements that were necessary. This is where the boundary lines get fuzzy and my focus is totally off....I have already rsvp'd for two people. I sit here wondering what I should have done differently so that I would not be in this predicament because, afterall, it IS about self responsibility. I wonder if I did the right thing in expressing my feelings to him in a letter. I also feel some anxiety about his "possible" reaction, although I am also hopeful that it may be somewhat understanding. Why is this stuff sooooo hard for me, even after all these years in recovery. It seems like such simple stuff for "normal" people...I tend to feel overwhelmed and stressed by stuff like this. I am trying to "Easy Does It". My sponsor says that I have a right to express myself, but I have to remember to ACCEPT my BF as he is too.
I would love to hear from anyone who struggles with stuff like this too. I would also love to hear from anyone that can tell me a more constructive way that I could try and handle situations like this in the future and how to handle it NOW that it is "two minutes to midnight" without creating a worse situation with my BF. I know that I can only own my part in ANY situation...but I am also annoyed with him for being so non-committal and seemingly inconsiderate.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post and any replies. D
Your post certainly hits home with me - I am struggling with similar fears and confusion in my own life.
What I find for myself is that I have a lot of internal messages that make it difficult for me to be assertive - I fear that I will be too demanding, want to much, be too needy, etc. These messages really get in the way of saying what I would like even in seemingly minor situations. So, instead, I am often silent, indirect and then disappointed and frustrated. Then, I beat myself up for not saying anything or not saying it in the right way, etc. What a struggle!
Here's my take on your situation (for the 2 cents it's worth :) - take what you like, leave the rest). As I read your post, and thought about it as if I were in the situation, I decided that the main issue for me would be that I am asking a direct question, but not getting an answer to the question I am asking. More specifically, what would frustrate me about your boyfriend's response of "no clothes" is that in fact he doesn't answer the question you're asking him and therefore seems to be leaving the problem for you to figure out/solve. If you're an over-worker in relationships, like I am, you then try to figure out what he means, debate what to do about the invitation, try figure out what to do about his clothes, and follow-up with him to see if he is going. What I am figuring out for myself is - Oh, I am taking on WAY too much work in this situation!
You asked how you might have handled this differently. For me, I would figure out first how important was it was to me that my boyfriend attend this wedding? For me, I find it useful to attach a number from 1 (not important) to 10 (very important). Then, I have the internal information I need to communicate. For example, I might say: We're both invited to the Mitchell's wedding on June 10th. I am planning on going and I would very much like you to go, too. I would love to have your company. Will you go with me?
Then, if he responds by saying he has no clothes, perhaps that is the time to clarify. Are you saying you would like to go and you'll handle the clothes issue in advance or are you saying you do not want to go?
If he continues to be vague or unclear, you might set a boundary. Maybe your boundary is you'll ask him once initially and once more after that, but then drop it and just RSVP for yourself. Or, maybe your boundary is you will give set a deadline to RSVP by and communicate that to him. I would set the boundary for YOURSELF (not for him) so you can maintain your sanity without having to work overtime to figure him out.
Just my two cents - take what you like, leave the rest!
I think that any type of confrontation is difficult because there is the unknown result of sharing your feelings and receiving an opinion other than you own back. You know how you wonder how to word your feelings and say the exact thing you want, but then you don't know what the outcome will be. It's like taking a huge leap of faith. I have always tried to prepare myself for the response but I have no real clue what it will be. It seems very scary sharing your feelings with someone outside of your head or from your way of thinking (alanon). We have no guarantee that it will come out the way we want nor do we know how our sharing will effect the other person. Sometimes I just push myself to say what is on my mind, trying to push the scared feelings down and just jump right in, my experience has been better than I had thought in most situations. Your are doing good work, keep it up and be kind to yourself.
My Story when it comes to confrontations is if I had planned to send an email, based on my feelings, some times, I will "Save it to Draft" and reread it later... To make sure that I am not being to "Over barring" to them, and to make sure I get what I want to say Out... Sometimes when I go back to it later, I find that some of the things I wrote were not necessary to write, so I can then change then to make better sense...
Sometimes stepping back and looking at the big pictures is all it really takes... As for signing up for two and him not going well... I would find my Best friend and drag them along if need be... My Best friend and I never seem to get any time together, so when a wedding comes up that does not interest my Husband, I call her and that is our "Date Night", gets him off the hook, and still gives me a chance to enjoy the wedding and my friend...
My Husband is too the "Biker Type" for me both ride, and there is ALOT events that he does not care to "Dress Up" for... and that is OK... I know what I want to do, and if he does not, well that is fine as well... I hope that you have a wonderful time at your friends Wedding, and no matter what... Enjoy the Moment, and the blessing of their wedding... Let Loose and Cut a Rug :)
Okay...so I got up this morning and I am not feeling well. Bad headache and my stomach is not in good shape. I check my cell phone and email....no response/reply from the BF.....I have to "Let it Go" now...I have done the footwork...taken care of myself...communicated to the best of my ability. Now I am sitting here and wondering how long I am going to be punished for doing so. You all know how this stuff escalates without any provocation. I am exhausted and need to go back to bed.
Thank you, to those of you who posted your ES&H and for your support . It is much appreciated. I will not contact him again. I will sit on my hands if necessary...he is either a participant in this "relationship" or he isn't....I have to keep it simple today.
I can sympathize w/you on the whole non-commital responses for attending events. I typically RSVP for myself and my kids and let my exAH RSVP for himself. Like my family get togethers. I tell them that the kids and I will be there and their guess is as good as mine as to whether or not he will show up. He never knows what he is going to do until 5 min before doing it. Heck, I've seen him plan on attending a friend's party and at the last min decide he doesn't feel well and be a no show. A's are unpredictable. Best not to try to figure out what they will do. And yes, that does make it difficult to make plans for yourself. For me, I just make my plans and leave a seat open for the A just in case he decides to go....but don't ever plan on it. That way I am not disappointed for the no show and pleasantly surprise if he does show. But that is just me.
.I have to "Let it Go" now...I have done the footwork...taken care of myself...communicated to the best of my ability. Now I am sitting here and wondering how long I am going to be punished for doing so. You all know how this stuff escalates without any provocation. I am exhausted and need to go back to bed.
Thank you, to those of you who posted your ES&H and for your support . It is much appreciated. I will not contact him again. I will sit on my hands if necessary...he is either a participant in this "relationship" or he isn't....I have to keep it simple today.
that is RIGHT!!!! You gotta take care of YOU!!!! LET IT GO!! AMEN!!!! I like your "not contacting him again" that is good detachment....And yea, I would NOT expect any healthy participation in a relationship with a guy who is not actively working his program.....Keep focus on you..12 steps...meets...what does your sponsor say about all this??? My hope is that you work on YOU...Love and care for YOU and the more healthy you become the more definite you will be as to getting your needs met......I this this post of yours sounds like your trying to focus on you and let go and let God....and yea, "keep it simple"...Sounds good to me
Thanks Rosie....Yeah, I am focusing on me. I can only "own" my part and show up for myself when necessary. I needed to let him know how I felt about his behavior and his not taking responsibility for his stuff...And I am glad today that I do show up for myself this way. But I also know that whenever I do so with any A in my life it will often be met with defensive mechanisms of all kinds and lots of distancing behavior. Thank God I have a program today that tells me that I am not responsible for the BF's thinking, attitudes, words or actions. I know that I need to take good loving care of myself. I needed to make clear to him that his behavior hurt me and then Let it Go. It is now after 8pm....and he has not contacted me. I have to be honest and tell you that it does make me feel a bit sad that I don't mean enough to him to care enough to work things out. The bottom line is I am tired of shopping for bread at the hardware store and this is MY PROBLEM!!! Expecting someone to love me and care for me who just doesn't have the capacity to do so. I am glad that I am aware of my needs today and value myself enough to feel worthy to have them met. I don't want to be someone's "good time", "piece of meat" or anything else that does not fully value and embrace the essence of the authentic, healthy, amazingly beautiful woman that I know that I am!! Its still work for me though...not second nature yet...but I am getting there. Thanks for the kudos Rosie..You give me hope!
SAVED____I don't mean enough to him to care enough to work things out. The bottom line is I am tired of shopping for bread at the hardware store and this is MY PROBLEM!!! Expecting someone to love me and care for me who just doesn't have the capacity to do so. I am glad that I am aware of my needs today and value myself enough to feel worthy to have them met. I don't want to be someone's "good time", "piece of meat" or anything else that does not fully value and embrace the essence of the authentic, healthy, amazingly beautiful woman that I know that I am!! Its still work for me though...not second nature yet...but I am getting there. Thanks for the kudos Rosie..You give me hope!
ROSIE______NOW your talking like a "recovery warriour" and ONE day VERY soon, I think from this post, you are gonna realize deep within your heart that you can do WAY better than this guy has to offer......I know there are still GOOD and HEALTHY and marriage minded men who DO appreciate a good woman....There HAS to be!!!! If there are good women, like the women on this board, than it makes total sense that are are good GUYS, too...I read the guys on this board...Working on their program..Bettering themselves...They are "out there" and we SHALL attract them when we LOVE OURSELVES......
What healthy guy is going to want a gal who doesn't even love herself enough to say "NO" to toxic and unhealthy behaviour??? and DEMAND the respect that she gives herself and to others????
I am seeing it at 62 years of age....I met that nice guy at the party!!! CANT say its is HP's match for me, but what the hell??? I believe that God blesses me AS I CAN HANDLE it!!!!!!! Think about that one!!!!
YOU are doing OK...YOU DESERVE better than this!!!! I see you realizing deep within that "hey, I deserve better"...Thats a GREAT start.....This program works!!! I swear, If you had known me 2 years ago, you wouldn't know it was the same Rosie...If this progam can restore a mess like I was, hell it can move mountains IF WE REACH for it!!!!!
When a relationship is more tears/sadness then smiles/happiness???? its TIME TO CHANGE ME and what I am doing for me!!!!!!
Good job!!! You go after it girl!!! Stretch your arms and reach out for that good that is yours for the claiming...........Rosie
Rosie...You made me cry buckets of tears tonight! Thank you so much for reminding that I will get my needs met when I say "no" to emotionally unavailable and toxic/dysfunctional people. It has been hard work "going against" the old programming from childhood dysfunction and the adult abusive relationships I have been in. I often share at meetings, that I come not to program, but to get "reprogrammed". Some days it takes all the energy (or more than) I have to fight the demons of yesterday and to "believe" that I am a unique and divinely made beautiful woman and NOT the piece of garbage, junk, ass that others told me I was for many, many years.
I have been coming around for almost 14 years and I am still fighting for the child within. I came in on my face...broken and wanting to die. I had nothing and thought I was nothing 14 yrs ago. I managed to raised two wonderful children on my own and rise above poverty and make a career for myself and a better life for my family. I have a Masters Degree today and make an honest living and also have been blessed with the privilege of making a difference in people's lives. When I first came into program I did not have any "real" friends, since they were of my own choosing (and chosen from a sick and broken place within). Today I have many healthy friendships that I consider "Godsends"....because today I know that HP is in control and all things are divinely orchestrated. He sends "specific people" at "specific times" for "specific reasons"....He is an awesome, awesome God! He has blessed me in ways that I never would have imagined...But this has been this toughest part of recovery for me...Relationships with MEN. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I look at other women who are in healthy relationships with fantastic men and I cry...because this is what I longed for my whole life and NEVER had or knew. I have been my own worst enemy in a sense because of my choices. I also don't beat myself up over it. I know that if I had known better I would have done better...but I am getting this...slowly...one day at a time.
Your post tonight has touched me so deeply and immensely, you have no idea. I feel like I am babbling now..there is so much I want to say...But most of all , I want to say thank you, for the love, support and sincerity I have found here and in the rooms. Still never heard from the BF....My sponsor says the BF..is what he is...and my sponsor also said..."you can't make a silk purse out of a swine's ear. You can tell my sponsor is really old school!!! LoL! I want so badly never to go down this road again...EVER!!! I want to become the healthiest person I can be..and I do love myself today...more today than yesterday..but only half as much as tomorrow (remember that song?)...Anyway...keep sharing your ES&H...because it is definitely carrying me through this storm and making me hopeful for the rainbow at the end of it. Love to All D
Today I am struggling with all sorts of feelings. I managed to get out of the house and spoke with my sponsor and two of my closest recovery friends. I am going to sit down and have dinner and attend an open AA meeting tonight. I would be less than honest if I told you that I was really totally okay. I am not. I hurt like hell. I really cared about this guy...and I thought that things were going well. I feel like he just wrote me off. This is not the first time he has done something like this (ie. read my other posts). It is difficult for me to come to terms with, how someone that claims to care about me, and at the very least is supposed to be a friend, could treat me so badly.
One of my recovery friends told me that although I may not "feel" good...I am doing good. She told me that it was time for me to realize my own worth. She affirmed me today and my right to speak up for myself and set boundaries about the kind of treatment I will accept and not accept from others. I am stepping up my meeting attendance and going to work my butt off to stay off this roller coaster and be good to myself. I am acknowledging my need for love and respect...How amazing and how wonderfuL. I am on a path now that is a journey toward light and goodness and things that are "life-giving"....I cannot help anyone else...I just thought to myself, "Gee, if someone feels a need to act so lousy to me...then they must be really miserable". I don't want to walk around with bad feelings. I try to address things as they arise and deal with them tactfully and like an adult and move on to better things...I once heard F.E.A.R in recovery was really "F" Everything And Run or Face Everything And Recover. I can only choose for myself...not for anyone else...I have to accept my BF's choice to 'run"....
At this point I can honestly say that I am beginning to realize that my worth is not determined by what others choose to do...but more by how I choose to respond. I am hurt ...but I have decided to surrender...I am powerless...and I need to be restored to sanity...so I set boundaries, communicate my feelings, go to meetings, talk with recovering people, post here and keep on keeping on...I believe that people who care about me and matter will journey thru life with me and grow through our challenges and struggles...and those who choose not to...were not meant to be in my life and were not really part of HP's plan for my life...Only the lesson learned was a part of HP's plan. I told my friends that I need all the support that I can get right now to stay on track and I need it from you guys too. Rosie you have been good strong medicine for me...Thank you. To the rest of you who posted here ...thank you for your kindness and the love I feel through your support and concern. With Unconditional Love, D
For this too will pass...
