Searching for ESH, and maybe a push! - Al-Anon Family Group

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Searching for ESH, and maybe a push!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jozie)))

I understand, of coarse you are afraid of the finish line. Everyone who has grieved a loved one know how painful it is to "finish" all the chores associated with the person. Remember "Easy does it ". The belongings are in your basement. Live one day at a time just as you handled the trailor and one day yo will find your way thru.

Just keep the focus on yourself and keep sharing

Yours in Recovery

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

((Jozie))

we all have our own thoughts and feelings... crazy as they can get, we spmetimes just need to tell ourselves, "listen me, i'm doing the best i know how... and that is all i can do, if just for today."

if it sounds nuts, and looks nuts, and feels nuts... i would get a second opinion... then make a decision based on the facts.

w/love

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

aha Jozie , your grieving hon and thats okay gotta feel it to heal it . *hugs*
Take your time , do a little each day , keep the things u want and let the rest go . I think I recognise the mode your in , when u let everything go , give those we love back thier lives your in the What now ? Now u get a life .
How do you manage when there is no one left to manage ?? feels strange dosent it , I remember it well . Now Jozie it is your turn , enjoy . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 27th of May 2009 01:16:56 AM

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie, you reminded me of when I went back to my mother's home. I was with her for over a month,her last days of being young with breast cancer.

When she died I could not get out of there fast enough. Loaded up a moving truck,her two Persians,stopped by the humane society to get some peace for a moment and went home.

To an empty house as AH had been horrible on the phone as my mother was dieing right in front of me. "Are you going to suck her dry?" OH I hated him. Told him to get out and not be there when I came home. I would have killed him.

anyway I had to go back a day or so later to, I don't know why. My brothers were there. Empty, where is her stuff? Who will water the flowers we planted? Her whole place was a mudhole. now a beautiful park like garden. We made her a home out of nothing.

I could hardly walk. Thank goodness my friend brought me.

sorry shut me up.

When I went there we had boxes all over with names and mother told me what to put into each box. At that time we were bringing her home with me.

Anyway, I had to NOT think. Stop the hurt of it. Just do it. Just get out the door and one foot at a time.

It is horrible honey, I know. Al Anon taught me to not think ahead so much,be in the moment. We do not know how we will feel or what it will do to us.

If we thought ahead about life we would be too afraid to move.

We are all with you,you are not alone. love,debilyn

-- Edited by debilyn on Wednesday 27th of May 2009 06:00:21 AM

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs to you jozie.

I have never had the task of taking care things after a loved one has passed away. I know I will eventually befall that task one day though.

The only thing I can think of that might help is to help you with your question of what will you do with yourself after everything is done. You said that may be what is causing your delay. Maybe you can sit down for a bit, try to relax and think of something you have always wanted to do, even before you had to deal w/your ailing father. Maybe you have always wanted to make a flower bed full of flowers out front of your home or a vegetable or herbal garden. Maybe you have an old trunk you would love to strip and refinish or some other piece of furniture. Maybe you have some books you would like to read but never really had the time. Maybe you can have a yard sale to make a little "mad money" that you can use to visit some place you have always wanted to visit. Maybe you can plan a day at a spa or do a manicure/pedicure yourself.

Mainly, you should just take your time and be kind to yourself. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,
QOD

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Jozie-
I understand what you are saying.
Sometimes even uncomfortable or painful events/things in our lives are familiar and anything besides it is different and foreign.
The unknown has always been a bit scary for me and I am so familiar with the 'Then what?' question when I feel like I may be facing a big question mark in the path before me.
You're not alone and I am so glad you share here so honestly.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you one and all... I am so grateful for all of you...

I am still having an off day, still hate the thought of stepping in the basement of greif, but I know I will have to forge ahead...Sometimes tho, i feel over this "Forge'n" can be a bit overwhelming...

Betty...Keeping the focus on me... Well I am baby set'n my way, but that is still alittle foriegn to me... But I'm tryin'...

CJ......Just for today is exactly were I need to be... I know I will, but the journey is ware'n me down... Just try'n to keep goin forward and not fall'n back...

Abb.... Strange is an understatement :) It is slowly driving me crazy I think, just try'n to keep ME in a straight line, and still staying possitive in my mind... Struggling but I think get'n closer...

Deb....Thank you for keeping me company on this nightmare I call get'n a life...lol...and Yes.. That is exactly were I am.. I feel like I was in a Rush for the last 6 months to get something done, now what the Hell do I do... For all I have is half a room of clothes and pots and pans to go thru, but I just can't seem to get there for I think the last 6 months I have been just going thru the motions... Now I think I'm Motion SICK!!!

QOD...You have giving me some great esh... I am thinkin if the weather is nice this weekend, I plan on get'n my Harley out and going for a cruise, somewere I can clear my head.. Crossin my fingers it will get me a little closer to were I want to be, or at least lean me in a direction :) Thanks

Runner.... Thanks for hang'n in with me and for your understanding...

You all are such a blessing in my life, and I do count you all maybe more then I should at times but for some reason, once I get the ESH... It truly does open my mind to New Ideas, and also I love that you all share your story's as well... That means alot!!!

Love, Hugs, & Prayers

To you all... Thanks so Much... Jozie

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie, I would just "go it" on MY time/comfort zone....Closure can be scary, because it is a sort of an end...Like "ok, when its over, how am I gonna feel"...So yea, you will have more time with YOU to deal with the grief, instead of all the business of closing stuff out....

your doing great.....Taking care of you and yea, what your feeling is REAL normal....rosie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to you on this in a few ways. I have been hopelessly codependent on my mother. In the past, ive gone through stages of hourding & then being overwhelmed by "the stuff". When I moved a few months ago, I purposely left about half of my stuff - for one, I knew the house was too small that I was going to... here I was moving in with a guy that had as much stuff as I already did have & the house I was going to was the same square footage as my 2 bedroom condo (where I had been alone for six years). Plus I knew I wanted to lighten my load & simply get lighter w/ less trappings.
   All of those years I was alone with the stuff, it gave me plenty of time to think -- if I ever did go through it, then what would I do, it was like my "pet project" that I never dealt with. Plus by holding onto it, I was able to continually feel bad for where I was & what I was not doing. My own expectations of me, sorting & organizing my life, totally were over whelming & most of the time, I ended up not doing anything with it. I just felt very anxious over it.

All that being said... maybe you feel like if you go through it, you wont be as close to your dad anymore as the stuff sort of represents him somehow. The truth is though, it is just stuff & it does not represent your relationship w/ him or your love for him.

I agree with abbyal/louise you are still grieving. Maybe you wont ever want to go through it, take your time. It is symbolic.

I know for me, when I moved & left half of the stuff behind, I may have thought of a few things it would have been intelligent for me to have packed & taken the energy to have brought with me but I did feel so much freer.
My mom had suggested I take pictures of the things I was sentimental about, so I could have the memory but not have the need to have it physically in my possession.

I believe in spirit our loved ones can hear us & be with us. Much love to you & sympathy as you grieve & grow in this process.

My mom is still around, so as I was doing this detachment work from her & focusing on me (for the first time ever) in a way maybe it did feel like a death - I was trying to force her out & put me *in* but that is healthy - I wasn't hurting her by focusing on me & I wasn't being disloyal, I was merely trying to be a healthy human being & not a hopeless enabling codependent desperate for her attention.
     I know it sounds like by focusing on you, you will have nothing to do but you will see that YOU are there, ready & able to respond to the changes & hard work/energy you put into yourself. I found that I had more time, to do more things and as I got focused on me, I not only had plenty to do & a responsive appreciative person to do it for - I got calm & centered & it was a relief to only be dealing with *me*. So I got peace while I got busy with me.

I wasnt being disloyal to my mom by caring for me, I was becoming a grounded happier person & that was all she ever really wanted for me.
    When you feel like going though his things, you will... and I hope you feel lighter and closer to him at the same time. In the mean time, take your time, this is a process & there's no rush. hope some of this makes sense

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.