The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in alanon over two decades and have worked very hard on my program. I have come a LONG way since when I first started. I have gained a measure of serenity and peace, as much as I can have with chaos going on around me most of the time. I don't indulge in mind altering substances, so I am aware of what is going on around me when things are bad, but in alanon I learned to change my reaction to what is around me to bring more peace and calm for myself and for others, rather than escalate the drama A's are so good at creating.
The hardest thing for me has been to work on resentment. I have a great deal, and it is very very hard to deal with it most of the time. Sure I use my tools to deal with it and don't act out because of it, but it is still there, a continual thorn in my side, the cross I must bear in life.
I have been meditating recently on why this is always such a struggle for me. I guess it is because I am so angry at the bad effects that the A has caused the children in our family. Our own children struggle with depression and intense anger issues, and children of relatives hate him and are afraid to come over, we are seldom invited to any family events.
Children just cannot benefit from "self help" groups, their childhood is when their personality and brain is formed, so if it is a chaotic A household, it has a horrible effect on them, no matter how serene the Mom is from alanon.
I have heard many an old timer claim they were GRATEFUL to have an A in their family, since it led them to alanon and to a spiritual way of life. Perhaps if you were not a spiritual person before I can see their point of view, but how can someone say they are GLAD that a sick abusice person is in their life, perhaps abusing innocent children with their drama, chaos, and verbal assaults?
Is this a "fringe" group of Alanoners who sincerely believe alcoholism can be a blessing since it sometimes leads people to Alanon? Or is this a pretty widespread belief amongst alanon members?
Please help me understand this, because I really dont' get it. How can you be glad something so damaging to wives, mothers, and children, an alcoholic husband and dad can be a blessing?
That is like meeting a nice oncology nurse who becomes your friend, then being glad you got cancer and seeing it as a blessing since you met a friend from it. I say you can meet kind and nice friends without having cancer and serious illness is NEVER a blessing! It is good to make lemonaide out of lemons, and some people say cancer has changed their lives for the better, since they took stock and made changes, but you can take stock of your life and make good changes without cancer too.
Does anyone REALLY believe it has been a blessing in their lives to live with an A?
Sure, I didn't at first, but I do today. What I believe is that if I hand't gotten so miserable from the family disease of alcholism, I wouldn't have done the suggestions of al anon. I wouldn't have given this program everything I had. But, so long as my way was working, I didn't feel a need to change. Al anon was a big change. And, for me, being greatful for the alcholsm means that I became entirely willing to do whatever I needed to do to get recovery.
Perhaps one can say he/she is glad to have AlAnon, but to be glad to have had an A, with all the chaos, heartbreak, and pain the A causes just to get to AlAnon? No. My convoluted thinking doesn't stretch that far. For one to be pleased to have lived in misery and confusion so that he/she could have discovered the AlAnon program is ludicrous. Maybe without the alcoholic, they would not have needed AlAnon...HELLO!!!!!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I absolutely know that my being in Al-Anon has saved me. I know that the life I have now is so much more rich, full and meaningful than the one I had before Al-Anon.
Does that make me see that being raised by an alcoholic and having been married to an alcoholic was a blessing?
Difficult question for me to answer. I am grateful that it lead me to Al-Anon, just as you say in your post. Without having been married to an alcoholic I absolutely would have never found Al-Anon. This I know without a doubt.
Did I say in my prayers, Please God, Bless me with an alcoholic wife? Nope....not hardly! Do I feel now that God had a plan for me when He blessed me with an alcoholic wife? Absolutely. He was rescuing me the only way that could get my attention I believe.
And here is the thing. I was raised by one, who was raised by one,who was raised by one......
I didn't know anything about how I had been affected by alcoholism from my growing up being raised by one. He quit drinking when I was in High School for health reasons without the help of a program. I would never have made the connection between how I am and alcohol. It was 13 years after he quit that I married an A.
I was fortunate enough to marry a beautiful lady with two beautiful children whom I loved very much. And my life with an alcoholic became insane. You all, who have been married to an alcoholic, know my story. Because it is yours too.
We eventually divorced after I had been coming to program for less than a year.
Would I volunteer to go through that marriage again? Tough question. You see, I was me before I married an alcoholic. My being me is WHY I married her.
The blessing for me is absolutely that I found Al-Anon, a spiritual program that has lead me to self discovery, an enormous increase in self esteem and self awareness. And it has given me a connection to the Higher Power that has always been there for me, but who I just never connected to.
If I had to choose between never having that alcoholic wife in my life, with all the crapola that came with it as well as the good and then going through a very painful divorce...a path that lead me to Al-Anon, and not having married the alcoholic and still being the same fearful, self deprecating, low self esteem person I was and would most likely still be having never been guided to Al-Anon by my ex-wife's finding AA....... I choose option A.
Honestly.
We choose our path. We decide was is good and what is not. I needed help to open my eyes and ears to my HP's presence. I don't have to accept the unacceptable from anyone. But without Al-Anon I didn't have a clue. Didn't have a clue what was unacceptable, and when I did have a clue, was powerless to do one damn thing about it.
I am blessed to be here. And blessed to have you as a part of my family, Blythe.
I do feel like a "fringe" dweller, and since I am perfectly at home in my al-anon fellowship, I tend to feel we all are. Why? Because our goal is to live according to HP's will, not our own. That's not easy, therefore I believe most people don't choose it.
How to be grateful for the problems in my life? When I am in trouble, what do I do? I pray. I go right to my Higher Power. A few years ago, when I reached my bottom, I came crawling into my first al-anon meeting. And I believe that's where I needed to be, on my knees. In total, complete surrender, I was broken and could now recognize that the best I could do was not working at all!!! As a result, I now had an open mind and could learn something new. Now, HP could take control, since I was giving it up.
For me, why look at any of it as unfortunate? The ego loves to do that. It is most important, to stay in the present and see where I am today, living life on the spiritual plane. It has all served a perfect purpose.
I understand about the children. My children both suffer from panic attacks, among other traits of being raised in a crazy home. In my situation, I feel remorse that I stayed. THAT IS MY PART. I believed it was more important that a family should stay together (despite the suffering,) rather than believe that my HP would want me to take better care of myself and my children. He abused me, yes, but I tolerated it. Therefore, I share the blame. All I can say is, I did the best I could with what I knew. Alcoholic behavior is crazy. And so is codependent behavior.
I accept that my children will probably need help throughout their lives like most of us. If it plays out like mine, they will eventually turn to their HP. They'll have to make choices, like I had to. They are God's children, just as I am. We are all equal, all spiritual beings having a human experience.
In your last paragraph, you are wanting to impose your will when you say that nice friends can be made without cancer... you say serious illness is never a blessing... you say people can take stock and make good changes without cancer... How can you know any of that, unless you are God? Be watchful of putting yourself in the god position, that is our dis-ease again. And with our kids, we think their paths should look a certain way... how can we know this???
This program teaches me to be okay with what is. This program teaches me to let go of my will and my resistance to reality. It's hard to row upstream. Now, I try to drop the oars and just flow with the current. Let go and let God.
I could never have gotten to this place without my problems, without my alcoholic, all of which brought a surrender of my ego. I pray for my ex-alcoholic husband, he is sick. I pray that he will find peace someday too. I visualize him in bright light and hold that visualization because I don't really know what words to put in prayer for him. God knows what to do, without any help from me.
Many blessings ((((Blythe))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 08:39:02 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 10:40:21 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Great Question Blythe and some terrific responses.
I too have been in alanon for many years and have struggled with that idea as well. Before alanon everything was either good or bad - black or white.- right or wrong.
Pain drove me to the doors of alanon and I listened with an open mind and heart. Alanon has changed how I view situations and life issues.
I no longer think painless is great and pain is all bad. That life should be problem free from childhood and that others are to blame for my unhappiness.
Today I am grateful that I have truly loved two alcoholics and that alanon has given me the spiritual tools to life life on life's terms with courage serenity and wisdom. Before alanon - All this would have been foreign to me'
We used to have a woman in my home group meeting who used to say she felt blessed by the whole experience, and if not for alcoholism, she would never have learned so much....
I am not there.... I can understand the point, and even accept that I am a better person as a result of my time in Al-Anon, self-awareness, etc., but I can't bring myself to view the whole experience as any kind of blessing.... Given the choice, I think I would have much rather lived my life in "unhealthy delusion & denial", lol
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I consider life to be a blessing. That life for me, includes both being an alcoholic, and dealing with alcoholics. I consider recovery to be a blessing as well. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say alcoholism all by itself is a blessing. But does it matter? It is part of who I am. I have no other perspective in this life - I was born into an alcoholic home, and had both the hereditary and environmental factors to become one myself. It's a package deal. I'm blessed to have found recovery and fellowship, and to have come to believe in a power greater than myself.
I think many who consider alcoholism a blessing look at those around them who aren't alcoholics or family of alcoholics, and see that maybe they're missing something by not having our twelve steps and fellowship. But who am I to say I'm better off than they are? I have no idea what their life is like - nor they mine. I'm still comparing my insides to their outsides, just as I did before recovery - when I was torn up inside, and envious of those "normal" people who seemed just fine on the outside.
Your post made me laugh , thanks ! Grateful for an alcoholic ? I remember the first time I heard someone say that in a meeting I looked at her and said YOur one sick b$%ch *unfortuantley I said it out loud * hehe Today I say I am greatful I married an alcoholic , if I hadn't I would never have looked at myself to see what characteristics were causing me a problem , today I know I was in trouble long before I met my husb . and when I did meet him we fit perfectly . as for our children we can show them that people can change t hier lives and atttitudes regardless of where we have been . And our kids know where to go if they end up in trouble . I also had to admit that my husb did nothing to me that I didn't allow . that one hurt alot , but once i accepted that I had choices and for the most part I chose to do nothing til I arrived here , resentments left when i accepted that . Louise
wow, that a great thread! I remember hearing this the first time about twenty years ago & thinking, "that's just crazy!" and I felt pretty angry.
Today having grown up ACoA - I do know that I have awareness, understanding & compassion that I never would have had if it werent for the family disease. It has taken a very long time for me to get calm & centered on me & no longer obsessing about my A's but now that I am here, I am very grateful and I know everything in my life lead me to this point... it's all helped to make me as I am today.
Today I love myself & wouldnt trade any of it.
The truth is being married to a crazy pill popping addict taught me exactly what I dont want in my life & thanks to al-anon, today I can cope, I have boundaries & I have healthy life skills, things I never knew growing up.
Lovely thing about being an adult, we can choose for ourselves. One of the best things about al-anon, is if it doesnt work for you, we suggest you "leave the rest" and work what does work for you.
I have to say, I am grateful for my experiences & that unequivocably includes the A's in my life & addiction itself.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am not grateful for the horrific things that happend to me, however, I am grateful that my Higher Power whom I call God got me through it AND I found the 12 steps..
I am grateful that there was FREE help for me, all for the taking..All I had to do was be honest...open....willing and REACH OUT.....I am grateful that the program albeit hard is simple!!!!!
12 steps....slogans...meets...sponsor work....family of origin work.....yea, its like my "life 101" how to.....Could I go through the gawd awful first 3 years again???? NO WAY!!!! Now I work on me and am finding more peace...more freedom.....less need to compulsively control......Less fear of surrendering to HP.....and like its OK, if I am not in control over a person/place or thing.....I can give it over!!! Let it go!!!!
Had it not been for the drunks in my life, yea, I sometimes wonder with some sadness what I could have been, but I don't dwell on it because what is done is done....Today is the 1st day of the beginning of a REAL life for me....It is never too late to "re-unite" with the GOOD plan our creator has for all of us....
"I have heard many an old timer claim they were GRATEFUL to have an A in their family, since it led them to alanon and to a spiritual way of life. Perhaps if you were not a spiritual person before I can see their point of view, but how can someone say they are GLAD that a sick abusice person is in their life, perhaps abusing innocent children with their drama, chaos, and verbal assaults."
After having been married to 4 men who suffered from the family disease of alcoholism, I have come to the conclusion that something was wrong with me to chose this type of relationship. I am therefore grateful for having married them so that I could find al-anon and work on me and repair these shortcomings in my character. I don't think it would have happened had I not reached bottom with my alcoholic husbands. I agree with you that it is a shame that innocent children have to be drug through the "drama, chaos, and verbal assaults", but in many cases this was as much my fault as the alcoholic and I have to accept my part in that.
That is like meeting a nice oncology nurse who becomes your friend, then being glad you got cancer and seeing it as a blessing since you met a friend from it. I say you can meet kind and nice friends without having cancer and serious illness is NEVER a blessing! It is good to make lemonaide out of lemons, and some people say cancer has changed their lives for the better, since they took stock and made changes, but you can take stock of your life and make good changes without cancer too.
I am a cancer survivor too and I can truly say that CANCER was a blessing in my life! Just like in living with alcoholism, I had hit a bottom. I was moving a break neck speed in my profession with no intention of slowing down or stopping. I was in the middle of working on my Masters in a program I didn't even enjoy and no intention of quitting, "because I'm not a quitter", I rationalized! The kind of stress I was putting myself under and the type of chemicals I was working with (I was working in the field of microbiology) probably attributed to the cancer diagnosis, but I think it was HP's way of getting my attention and getting me to slow down long enough to spend time on me and truly have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and I truly believe that I couldn't have taken stock of my life without the cancer intervention, I was just that stubborn.
So take what you like and leave the rest. I am one of the old-timers that truly can say that I am blessed to have been married to an alcoholic and even blessed to have had cancer. I guess I'm an exception to the posts, but so be it, that's my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
