The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been trying really hard to stay detached from my ex-abf. I've posted some of the things that have happened in the past few weeks.
He is with someone else now because I will not enable him to have a terrific life with me and still use.
I received a text from him Friday..."I love u" was all it said.
Normally, this would have triggered a response from me that may have said "I love u too"...then I would have proceeded to text why we are not together...blah blah blah.
But this time I took a moment to think...1. I could choose NOT to respond. 2...I could say something mean....3. I could cave to the romantic notion of loving him and believe I had the ability to handle that mess
After a little while...I remembered one of the things my "Boundaries" book suggested about maintaining boundaries...ask a question.
So I texted a question to answer his text "I love u"...it said...."What do you want me to say?"
It's been since Friday and he hasn't text back. Now in the past...I probably would have text something sweet...then I would sit and wait hopeful for the response...or text something mean...then I would sit and feel guilty waiting for the response. But honestly, today I feel fine. I wasn't mean, I wasn't trying to fix anything....I'm putting the decisions he needs to make in his and his HP's hands.
I spent the rest of the weekend with my kids, at our lake...enjoying the sun and water...not worrying what my A was doing. I knew...he was drinking.... because nothing has changed. The text he sent means nothing. His actions mean everything.
I liked when you said, "...and believe that I could handle that mess."
I often reflect onto my own situation that "love has nothing to do with it". I believe I love my aH (separated) but being able to "handle that mess" is entirely a different story!
I am so proud of you for stopping and taking that moment to make a good decision, for yourself! Way to go. That was awesome and I am always learning news things on this board. Thank you!!!
I guess I'm very fortunate in that I've never had to make the decision to end a relationship. I have never found myself trying to convince a partner to stay with me, nor her trying to convince me to stay with her. When my first marriage ended, it was pretty much a nuking of the relationship. Perhaps she saw it as the conclusion of long brewing issues, but from my perspective, it was Hiroshima. Push the button and it's over.
So I never got any "I love you" emails from my ex, nor did I send any. If there were any lingering feelings on either side, we kept them to ourselves. I grieved the loss of that relationship, but it was never with the thought that I could get it back, or that I wanted it back. I suppose my ex, in spite of her quirks, is at least capable of making a clean break although I'm sure my attitude helped as well. Also she left me for another guy, whom she is still with - so we never had to endure any agonizing back-and-forth. Again, I don't know how much of that is my doing - I knew I didn't want anything like that, so I didn't really leave an opportunity.
When you're in a relationship for 10+ years, and suddenly find out she's been cheating on you for 5 of them, and has already mapped out plans to leave for yet another guy, there's not much to do except help her pack and hasten the process. I did think that hastening the process would reduce the pain. It did reduce the uncertainty, but not the pain.
It's odd. A number of my friends told me that someday I'd be friends with the X. At the point of our breakup, there was no active A-ism, no abuse, not even any arguments. But that friendship hasn't happened. I didn't want it, nor see a point to it. It seems that in 10 years, she had quite enough of me, and vice versa.
My fiancee has never met my X, but has met all of the kids. No, the X isn't going to be at the wedding but 2 of the kids will. I suspect eventually it will happen. I'm sure I'll be treated to the same little bits of backhanded judgment, direct or indirect. I am always amazed how blind I was to this in the years we were together.
For taking care of you and still enjoying your weekend... The no response I would guess had alot to do with the responsibility of supports in the "Action" not the "Words"... I am slowly learning that "Actions is WAY Better then words, and usually when an "Action" is to take place... I was ALWAYS stuck holding the ball, which I think at times I am still resentful of...
I know it took alot to respond the way you did, but you also inspired others here to Stick up for themselves and let them know that "They Too" are Worth the battle we fight.. Sometiems Daily...
Thanks for you Share... Take what you like and leave the rest... Love & Prayers Jozie
Go For You 