The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has just found, by accident, (we have not long moved into our new build house and he had to move some boxes around in my son's room) a quart bottle of vodka orange mix hidden behind some pictures, half full, and an empty vodka bottle.
My A son (in recovery 8 weeks) has shown no sign of having been drinking. I can only conclude he's been 'tippling' in his bedroom through the night and then been getting up sober.
I am posting here immediately hoping your ES&H will guide me through the rest of this evening.
He is on new trial medication for alcoholism...Baclofen....and the blurb states that should you have a drink while taking this the craving for more should not occur...and the desire to drink should, over time, diminish completely.
He must have bought the bottle of vodka a couple of weeks ago as that was the only time he has been shopping at that particular brand store ( he now has no money due to his benefits being stopped). The other considerations have to be, where did the money for the quart come from? a: is he is stealing from us ...or b: has he borrowed money from someone at his AA meetings as that's the only time he leaves the house.
We had boundaries placed before we allowed him home...(he asked to come home and have our support in his recovery).
1. He had to take his medication 2. He had to go to the 2 local AA meetings a week 3. Treat us with the same respect we were showing him 4. If he wanted to discontinue his recovery programme in order to drink he would have to leave our home.
1 & 2 to date are fine, 3 is now questionable and 4, well..... my first reaction is, as he is on this new medication, I should 'wait and see' what pans out and not have a knee jerk confrontation......??
2 meets per week is not going to "do it"...he needs to go nearly every night
what did you say you would do if he broke the boundaries????? Whatever the deal was STICK to it or your word means nothing...They will know they can "jack you around".....
You may not find out how hes getting the money for booze..My mother had ingenious ways of getting it..
What about you guys and YOUR program??? steps...sponsor....meetings.....Your son is out of your control, however, if he is a danger, or stealing from you, you may have to kick him out and let him hit bottom b4 he learns he needs HELP....sounds hard, but they (A's) can be dangerous and they can rip you off so bad and take you down...
I let my A brother hit bottom...he got busted, DUI and I refused to take him in and enable him...He ended up in 1/2 house and they made him go to meets...he is still drinking....I let go....I take care of me....Lift him in prayer and take care of me.....I did not cause his drinking...cannot control him/drinking....cannot cure it.....I had to give him over in prayer and I took care of me....I was not going to let him take me down like my AHubbys did and my mother died from it.....I'll help one help himself...If they don't want help???? I detach....Let it go...turn them over.....Protect my body, my money, my assets, my SERENITY......
Yeah, I'm with Rose--what were/are the consequences of the boundries? What happens then? And what are you doing for you? Your happiness, depending on him, is not cgonna work. You can have a getter life no matter what if you want it. You can do it.
Asking you what you are going to do about boundaries or expecting you to toss out a son because it needs to be done is not what you want to hear. SO that is not what I am going to say. I have three children, none of whom have drinking problems...or any other huge problems for that matter. I am grateful every day of my life. But for you whose children are addicts, I can not imagine the heartache every day brings you. SOme will call it "enabling" but a mother who wishes to keep her child close so that she can attempt to protect is as natural as the morning sunshine. So I say, Mom, you must do what seems right for YOU! If you see your ripped-out heart wanting to accept your son, faults and all, then you do that. If you can find it in your power to tell him he has broken the rules and therefore must leave, that is up to you too. There are no hard-and-fast rules here. Whatever action, or lack of, that gives you the strength you need to cope is the right course to take.
My positive thoughts and energy go with you on your journey.
I send kindest regards, Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Monday 25th of May 2009 04:27:24 PM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My heart goes out to you, and I know it must be tough... I would encourage you to get help, through the doors of Al-Anon, or other experts in the field "Getting Your Children Sober", by Toby Rice Drews, comes to mind....
My heart almost stopped when I saw some of the advice given on this thread...
Loving your son does not have to equal allowing him to carry on with his addiction. I DO believe that there must be consequences with any true boundaries that we give A's..... whether they are our children, spouses, parents, or otherwise....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow this is a tough row to hoe. My heart goes out to you. As a parent of an A myself I undertand that you "think" you need to know where/how your son got the liquor. That's the least of your worries. Baclofen may help to reduce cravings and potentially reduce the amount drunk at one time, but it doesn't stop the drinking behavior. There are other triggers that could influence your son.
Understand that living at home may not help his recovery despite your best intentions. We have struggled with our son for years. We have "supported" him while he rehabs (twice) only to have it be unsuccessful (for both of us). He has been living in a 3/4 house for the past 6 months and that's the best route for his recovery. We are able to work our recovery because we get some distance, some detachment and rest. He did not choose to go, and was furious that he was sent there, it was court ordered after a DUI. But after 60 days or so someone/something was getting thru to him, and he is getting the support he needs. He would not be in recovery if he had "somewhere else" to go.
My personal experience is when I allowed my now 31 year old AD to live with me temporarily, she crossed over every boundary I had set, and out the door she went.
I will no longer have a front seat to her alcoholism/addictions.
I am a firm believer that alcoholism is a disease, and it is threefold: physical, mental, and spiritual.
If all three areas are not addressed, then the disease is not arrested.
There is no miracle pill to alleviate alcoholism, and in my opinion, taking a wait and see approach to this 'medication' is saying okay to his alcoholic behavior.
AA offers a solution to the physical allergy and the mental obsession.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I don't know what to say, its so awful, and my thoughts go out to you, and my good wishes and prayers, I have no advice or no judgemental attitudes. I'm thinking of you and you are in my prayers.
I am so very sorry for the discovery of alcohol in your son's room.
I know how hard you have worked your program and how you have let him hit bottom several times- the last when he was no longer allowed in the halfway house and was living on the street-without food and being beat up regularly.
You only agreed to bring him home to detox because no facility would take him. So far after an extremely painful detox things have gone well and now by accident you have discovered alcohol in hs room. You have used your alanon tools well up to this point.
I am praying for you and pray you will seek guidance from your HP as to the next right action.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 25th of May 2009 08:20:43 PM
My sympathies. Dealing with my husband and my adult sons seem to take different processes. My older son seems to "slip" by me when confronted. He slips on to something else and then something else. It is all the disease that wants to take us down to. Meetings, sponsor, and the literature help me.
I always say, a child as an A has to be the hardest thing to bare.
Not knowing how old he is, is hard for me to put myself in your place.
My son is not A but he was getting into bad stuff. With survivor school and the family going to group A and D classes, helped us so much.
I would say, give the med a chance. As far as meetings or anything else, it means zero unless he chooses to go. He has to want recovery more than he wants to use.
It is not a simple oh do this. I am really struggling here to find something to say.
Sometimes with kids, all we can do is love them. I mean let them know by our saying it. Love sometimes is, if you choose to use alcohol we cannot have you in our home.
Again I don't know his age. But if he is over eighteen, if he does not go by your rules, he needs to learn to take care of himself. If we keep taking them in, they will be like soooo many men A's who are living with mommy.
Mothers with grown sons in their thirties all the way up to the sixties and older still living off mom so they can easily use.
Your son is sick. Sounds like he needs a big dose of reality. You gave him your boundaries, consequences were?
Sometimes with boundaries a way to do it is, when you set them up, allow him to decide what the consequences will be.
Simple, "I sure would not have crossed that boundary and made that choice! Now the consequense is..""" and he made that.
I did this with at risk kids and boy did it work. They knew what they were facing.
Finding his bottle surely hurt, however, he is an A. Get upset at the disease not him.
You can still sit down and talk about the boundaries you have. Allow him to talk to you,promise him you won't yell or say should or anything. Talk to him and let him tell you how hard it is, or he likes to get high becuz.
If you don't react, you listen and say,that must be hard, what would help for you to do?
I did this with my AH. OMG I got a lesson. He would tell me things no one else knew because i did not judge or yell or react.
I learned ultimatums make it worse. I learned just not using, means zero. That doing the ninty meetings in ninety days, is a great start.
And to keep going to AA as a lifeline.
Find your passion and do it. Ski, walk, ride bike,run in marathons,hike, motorcycle. What does he love to do?
support that.
I know this is a mishmash. I believe you guys can do this as a family,allow him to take the reins.
So do you want recovery? do you think you are ready? i mean really listen and talk.
Go to al anon meetings. I bet the book Tom mentioned is a good one.
Being your son, I know you really want to do this right. Sometimes we have to relax and allow them to figure it out.
I sure agree with the respect I put my foot down to both my grown kids for being disrespectful to me. they both did not talk to me for awhile. It hurt big time.
They both apologized and don't cuss around me anymore and we are closer.
You know he is more than A too. Lots of this stuff is a kid pulling away from his parents. It is natural.
Teens are suppose to hate their parents...or they would never leave! They do really love you though!
hugs and hugs,debilyn
-- Edited by debilyn on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 12:02:51 AM
Thank you all for your responses to my post, I truly value them all.
My son is 32 and classed as a vunerable adult....anxiety ridden with poor life skills.....so for alcoholism to consume him is a cruel hand of fate.
Last year he went through re-hab, then onto a halfway house, but relapsed and he was put into homeless accommodation.
He recently hit what we thought was rock bottom and beyond, we let him fall, while always telling him we loved him we let him make his own choices...good or bad, he knew there was no way out for him while he was drinking.
Desperately ill, his Dr gave him 6 months to live if he continued the way he was, he asked if he could come home on a supported recovery programme, get away from the negative environment he was in.... so we worked with the doctor and him on setting up a treatment programme along with placing boundaries and consequences.
Yesterdays discovery I am choosing to leave in yesterday. For me, at this moment, I need to give him the chance to continue to work on his recovery.....and for me to work on mine.
I'll take it a day at a time and work with what the day brings.
I am finding strength in Alanon.
(((((Hugs))))) Love and gratitude to you all........Ness xx
maybe I'm hopelessly naïve, but... is there any possibility that the box was packed as is in the old house, and moved to the new house? That the vodka bottle could actually be much older than it seems at first glance? There have been some interesting threads about some alcoholics' sobriety process including an ever-present reminder.... it seems goofy to me, but then I'm not an alcoholic.
Thank you for posting this Ness. It brought many painful memories.
I learned long ago in Alanon along with I did not cause, cannot cure, cannot control is to let them have the dignity of their own lives.
Have you and your husband considered a sit-down meeting and asking your son directly about the vodka?
A simple written contract spelling out all the house rules and specific boundaries may help. Later, if there is any misunderstanding, you would have it in writing.
Also a weekly meeting with the 3 of you to check in with each other and ask what anybody else needs, wants, needs to say, etc., may be of great help.
Yes we do have regular chats about where we are all at in our recovery, sadly this week my son is back on the defensive...a sure sign of relapse.... the vodka incident has now been discussed, calmly, along with options for him and for all of us as a family.
I'm so tired of all of this, it's not easy...but trying to take it a day at a time.
Thinkstoomuch.....I wish it was the case that the bottle was an old one, but sadly not.
