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Last night, my neighbors and dear friends had another "get together" which I always have a "carte blanche" invitation...I am like a member of the family
Well "N's" big brother goes to many of these and yea, we have said "hello" and talked a bit but last night we kinda "connected"
he was very sweet..Told me I was beautiful and he was divorced for 6 years now and was kinda "ready" for a nice long term relationship and that he was very interested in me.
I told him point blank that I wanted to, also, have a nice long term relationship, however with 2 drunken /abusive parents and 2 bad marriages due to alcohol, I wanted to "take it easy" as I was in al-anon because I had "grown" some "not so healthy" patterns due to my upbringing and the marriages..
He shared a lot of himself with me..What caused the divorce and a lot of stuff..he was real open with me, and I, thought I was right to tell him I am in al-anon to work through the unhealthy patterns I developed...
he was PLEASED that I cared enough about me to accept I needed help and to reach out for it...He was VERY supportive and "proud" of me for doing this....
He walked me to my door to "make sure i got in my house safe" and we agreed to meet again at his nieces graduation party, (next door again) and that he would like to take me to a nice dinner and movie soon....He asked me "I hope you are not into going to a bar"...I said "NO WAY"..I am not into the drinking scene unless I am at close friends or family home gatherings where there is beer, yea, but PLENTY of food which I enjoy....He was soo happy to hear that I had "no interest" in the bar-drinking scene...
My sister got on my case for "telling him too much information" WHAT!! that I want to go slow due to previous probs with alkies and I am in al-anon to make sure I "reclaim the healthy me"??? My friend "A" (not alcoholic--- his name starts with an A)...Anyway, HE was impressed that I was "doing something" about my stuff rather than to repeat and stay stuck in sicko behaviour....HE was happy about my taking care of me....
I told big sis that she didn't have my issues and that I was right to tell this guy, UP front WHY I wanted to "go it easy"....Of course I did not tell him I was incested...THAT would only be if we got real serious and I had to tell him....by then, hopefully I will have put so much distance between that horrible event and me that I won't feel so much pain over it.....But no!! I don't share "that" unless I am TOTALLY safe with another and it is appropriate to tell them...and even THEN!! I KEEP it BRIEF....Noone has to know the details....
Anyway, what would YOU guys have done???? I feel right about telling him about my self work in al-anon......My take is big sis has HER life...I got mine.....
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Sunday 24th of May 2009 11:58:49 PM
I think it's your life and you should do what makes you comfortable. If you felt this important to get out then so be it.
Easy does it, nothing wrong with starting a new relationship on honesty. You were basically letting him know you do not want another A....which I personally think is a good thing......
Just go slow, dinner and a movie sounds like a good way to start...wishing you much happiness...
I would have done what I thought was okay to do at the time and kept an eye on myself because that is what and who I am responsible for. What ever the consequences are will be yours as you choose. You sister might be afraid for you and expressed her values. It's okay. Give her a hug and tell her you're grateful she cares. I've done that and that's what has worked for me.
Oh yea, "A's" have ruined so many decades of my life, I am like "alergic" to them....Really, Gun shy to the maximum
And yea, starting off with honesty in that he shared a lot of himself with me, I saw NOTHING wrong with telling him that "i had grown up with alcoholism...married it and as a result grew some unhealthy patterns I want to be cleansed of".....Naaw I did the right thing...Thanks for validating me...
ya know?? even after 5 years, I am still not "quite" sure of myself and my judgements yet....Like I am working the steps all the time and *think* I am going as prompted by my Maker, but I still in the back of my mind question me ....The self trust is not quite there yet....Oh well...ODAT!!!!! and yea, I am not gonna "think" about this so much.....Its in HP's very capable hands....It will go as it will....and yea, NO alkies need apply....I am done with that misery......thanks for the great replies....
I know my mom still thinks that I'm divulging the family secrets to anyone that's not family. I have o idea why. I had to learn to let people get to know me. But Other than that, I think you did fine, too.
" even after 5 years, I am still not "quite" sure of myself and my judgements yet" -rls
I live & as I go, keepinga watchful eye on self, constantly aware but no longer obsessive... I go on intuition when it comes to new people. If it feels comfortable, that is a wonderful feeling. I have to be honest and recovery is such a huge factor in my life, I am always talking it, so it will come up eventually/inevitably. I had to give up those ideas that there was anything shameful about the fact I was in therapy or that I "should" be too embarrased to simply speak openly when relating. Other people, usually older ones, would say such things to me. I rejected it. Why should I be ashamed anyway - it's not my fault I experienced abuse. I feel innocent, shiny & new and I always would go back to that inside, whenever I can... my soul is pure and I know hp. The truth will set you free!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
awwww This is GREAT reading all the great replies...
Yea, I felt "right" about telling it, and yea, I am NOT ashamed I experienced abuse...Recovery is a HUGE part of my life, so yea,
If the shoe were on the other foot and HE said he was in al-anon, acoa, I would say like "WOW...This guy is healthy he has accepted that he was hurt...is getting help...Is working on him...Loves himself enough to get help...YEA!!!"
Its the ones who *need* al-anon and are NOT in it that worry me, LOLOL....I think We are the ones who are the healthy ones because WE are working our program, seeking healthier lives, relationships with self and then others and with Higher Power....
Yea, I felt it was right!!! "live as I go" like Kitty said..
.I am learning that!!!! and what big sis thinks is "none of my business"...Like Tom said
and Tiger with the "divulging family secrets"..maybe big sis is still wantng to keep it hidden...
and I think Jerry is right "give her a hug" and be grateful for her caring which is what I emailed her..That I was grateful for her love...
And Debilyn, yea, who is sis to tell me what to do?? and also , I too, like folks who share about themselves..he did.He was open with me...And he did NOT run when I told him....
My cousin "R" said exactly what Andrea said about "starting new relationships on honesty"......"R" told me she would have done the same thing....She is in 12 steps at her church...So he is a "programmy" like us.....
I am reading all your GREAT responses with gratitude...Gratitude I got my "recovery family" and Gratitude that , YEA, I AM healing!!!! I DID do ok!!!! "I DONE GOOD"!!!!! LOL....
And ya know?? I am not obsessing about it...It is either gonna work out or we be friends...Whatever, is OK...I am OK!!!!
WOW...This program really works..Thanks for the awesome ESH.......BIG HUGS, Rosie...
PS...Will keep everyone updated!!! We meet again at nieces grad party on the 5th of June...I'll rush home from work Fri nite and help w/ the prep stuff....Its gonna be fun......Hope everyone is having a GREAT weekend....
Somewhere in the 12 step recovery programs it tells us to "pause" before we say or do anything. That is to listen for our HP's guidance. It works for me because self will tends to run my life. Keep us posted.
Not to worry. You did fine. Why? Because you did it with much thought and consideration. I am a lot like you, being open and honest, but not pouring out the entire glass at one time. Sometimes when I try to over think the things I do, I have to remind myself that a hundred years from now it is now really going to matter. The main thing is you did what you felt was the right thing to do at the time. Have no second thoughts.
RLC__"Not to worry. You did fine. Why? Because you did it with much thought and consideration. I am a lot like you, being open and honest, but not pouring out the entire glass at one time."
Hey RLC, I think you read my cousins's mind, LOL...She thought it was the best thing, too, to be open and honest...The "keepers" will encourage and stay...the jerks will run...And yea, I gave him what I needed to give him (info wise)....I 100% agree w/ "not pouring out the entire glass............"
NMIKE ___" "pause" before we say or do anything. That is to listen for our HP's guidance"
You know, Mike, I don't know if I paused b/c a bunch of us were talking all together at parts of it, but I did let my HP within me guide my words..Like his sister already knows I am in 12 steps..I thought it best to just "come out with it" and be careful about what I said....
Blender_________"(((rosie))) You did great, IMHO. I agree with all of the feedback you got as well."
Thanks so much...ALL of you.....and YES....got GREAT feedback on this.....
ya know??? I am grateful I am growing, but a teeny part of me is sad that I still am not sure of myself as to how healthy I am and my judgements....i was soo sick....soo messed up.....made sooo many REAL bad mistakes.....I just want to be cautious....Not paranoid, but careful.....I guess I have to work on my self trust.....Still not sure of my decisions and judgements....After reading your replies, I feel sooo hopeful about my recovery
Have you read anything on love addiction. Pia Melody has some great books on this. Boundaries were not something I knew anything about for a long long time. Like you I over reacted when someone pointed out that I wasn't looking at them. Merging and being totally open was my way of life. I had no idea what I was setting myself up for. I moved like a speed of lighting in any relationship. Strangers one minute, lifelong soul mates the next.
My idea of having a boundary was not to have sex. I told many many people all kinds of things about myself I would hold back on now for a lot of reasons.
One reason for me is that at the beginning of any relationship generally people present themselves very very well. When I move quickly my investment in that relationship is magnified. I then have no ability to self reflect and look at what I need. I rush in like a huge wave and loose all sight of what kind of a companion do I want.
I have stoped actually asking people lots of questions about themselves. For me its all about behavior. How are they in public, how do they deal with conflict. How are they in different public settings (I had no idea for a long long time what public meant as I had no boundary between private and public). When I'm merged with someone after telling them my life story I am not an observor anymore. I'll discount so many charator faults because by then I'm fully invested and won over.
I don't should anyone anymore. Nevertheless I'm really grateful for the work of Pia Melody and Melody Beattie for letting me know that my boundaries for awol and what a huge impact that on my getting involved with alcoholics and drug addicts.
