The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted something a while back about drinking when you're with an alcoholic and I got a lot of responses, so I'm hoping that this brings a lot of responses too.
OK, here's a little recap for those who don't know. . . . .
When my husband got out of detox in April, I told him that there should be no more drinking in the house (for him AND for me). I figure if I'm asking him not to drink, then I should extend the same courtesy to him and not drink in front of him. This wasn't a rule I was setting down, there were no consequences if he did drink, it was just an expectation that I had. (Yes, I know that you can't have expectations of an alcoholic.)
So after about 10 days, I found out that he was sneaking drinks in the house. I confronted him, and after that he would drink out of the house. Now he's decided that he's gonna drink in the house, no matter what I think.
During this entire time, I have stuck to my end of it and haven't had a drink in the house (except for two times when he went to spend the night at his brother's house, so I wasn't drinking in his presence).
I kinda have my own reasons for not drinking as well:
1. I think that I have a tendency to drink too much and I want to change that behavior in me. 2. I feel a lot better in the morning waking up with my 3-year old when I haven't consumed a whole bottle of wine. 3. I'm on medication for my anxiety and the doctor said I shouldn't drink while taking it.
But there are times when I would like to have a glass of wine or two with dinner, yet I refrain. So now that my husband is back to openly drinking in the house, I have to ask myself, what's stopping me from enjoying what I like (in moderation)? It's not like I'm trying to prove that I'm better than him or anything by not drinking? Or am I?????
Great question...and I think your answers are in your post. Not drinking in front of your A can be supportive of their efforts not to drink. But if you are "giving it up" hoping to guilt him into giving it up then you are wasting your time. If you are giving it up for "his sake" all you are doing is building anger within yourself when you have "sacrificed" and he has not. Do you really need that extra pressure?
You have listed some great reasons for not drinking based on why it is beneficial to you. If you believe in them then great - don't drink. If you are just using them as extra leverage to justify why you should not drink, making you the superior person in this relationship, you are only kidding yourself.
I can't help but wonder, as I read your post, about your own problems with alchol. What I'm hearing as I'm reading this is that I'm talking with a person who is privately struggling with their own alcholism but would rather not face it, so instead they focus on their alcholic. I can help but wonder what happens when you drink, what the effects are. What are the consequences and results of your drinking? What are the direct effects you suffer when you drink? What are your motives? The last thing that occurs to me is that it seems that a deep sense of powerlessness exists, over him and you, and so it's easier to focus on what he is/not doing, than working your own program.
I can't help but wonder, as I read your post, about your own problems with alchol. What I'm hearing as I'm reading this is that I'm talking with a person who is privately struggling with their own alcholism but would rather not face it, so instead they focus on their alcholic. I can help but wonder what happens when you drink, what the effects are. What are the consequences and results of your drinking? What are the direct effects you suffer when you drink? What are your motives? The last thing that occurs to me is that it seems that a deep sense of powerlessness exists, over him and you, and so it's easier to focus on what he is/not doing, than working your own program.
My personal experience was that my EXAH was a perfect distraction from my own alcohol/drug issues. He was far 'worse' than me.
The thing was, when he went to rehab, there was nothing left between me and me. That's when I spiraled downwards and finally hit my bottom.
I too was on meds that I should never have drank on. I too found rationalizations to drink anyway.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I can't help but wonder, as I read your post, about your own problems with alchol. What I'm hearing as I'm reading this is that I'm talking with a person who is privately struggling with their own alcholism but would rather not face it, so instead they focus on their alcholic. I can help but wonder what happens when you drink, what the effects are. What are the consequences and results of your drinking? What are the direct effects you suffer when you drink? What are your motives? The last thing that occurs to me is that it seems that a deep sense of powerlessness exists, over him and you, and so it's easier to focus on what he is/not doing, than working your own program.
That could very well be the case. My husband and I drank together all the time and I do drink a lot. In fact, when my husband first started getting out of control a few years ago, my dad said to me "I'm honestly surprised it's him and not you."
In a way, I'm glad I'm not drinking as much these days. It makes me feel like there is hope for me - like I'm not too far gone. It scares me to think that maybe someday I could get as bad (if not worse) than he is. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but the fact that the disease of alcohol runs in my family, you just never know. But I have to hope that since I'm aware of all this and working the Al-Anon program, that maybe I won't spiral out of control someday.
OK, now I'm freaking out. If I am an alcoholic, am I going to have to "hit bottom" before I can accept that I need help? Or is this something I can be proactive about?
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Sunday 24th of May 2009 05:41:38 PM
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Sunday 24th of May 2009 05:57:01 PM
Alchol has caused so much chaos and pain in my life I choose not to participate in anything that involves it. I'm not an alcholic, my hubby and mom are. Occassionaly, maybe twice a year, I may have a drink at dinner with a group of girlfriends, but I stop at one drink. I'd rather my hubby and I sit back and enjoy a nice cup of coffee together. I don't have alchol in my home and don't welcome guest with it. I just don't find any joy being around anyone who is intoxicated and choose not to get intoxicated myself.
Alot of folks get to the other room from Al-Anon. Alot of folks don't. My IC told me that my drinking when I was with the active A could have been situational. I have decided, for me, that drinking is a problem and do I don't...at all. I feel better physically and I stopped using alcohol to deal with the pain in my life. Now, I use my recovery tools and I have learned that it is okay to feel bad...it always passes!!
I don't know if I am an A or not. I do everything else in my life compulsively, why wouldn't I drink the same way?? It doesn't really matter to me. If AA is to deal with the drinking problem. I don't need help with that. I am abstinent and have no desire to drink, especially given how much pain and heart ache alcohol has caused in my life.
If Al-Anon is to deal with the thinking problem....I need all the help I can get. The reality is that I use both programs as part of my recovery. I read AA literature, listen to speaker tapes and when I really need some compassion for my AH, I go to open AA meetings. But, my primary program is Al-Anon. It works for me and that's all that matters. You just need to figure out what works for you.
Keep coming back and remember to take it one day at a time.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
You're not alone. I've felt the exact same way as you. It's the hardest thing. One thing I'm learning is the difference between expectations and boundaries. I literally just learned these things last week, so I'm NO pro, but I faced the same issue with my husband drinking in the house.
It was explained to me that an expectation is a threat. It's something you don't follow through on and typically makes you uneasy once you set it. A boundary is an areas of responsibility and power. It sets our rights and limits in relationships. When we set a boundary it is communicated with assertiveness, confidence, and with responsibility. My personal boundary defines a healthy detachment from that which I am not responsible.
Easy to say. Not so easy to do.
I have a few good articles that explain it. PM me and I'll send you the links.
What I realized is I set a boundary (or so I thought) of not drinking at ALL, if my husband wanted to come home to our family. I was a wreck when I set it and even a week ago was consumed by something my AH said about having a drink. In reality it was an expectation. Until I read the difference. Now in my mind, I know it's a boundary. It will break me, but if it happens, he must leave and we will divorce. It will suck the life out of me, but it cannot happen or those are the consequences of HIS actions. I'm not controlling him, only setting a personal boundary for myself. If he drinks, I will follow through, therefore it IS NOW a boundary, where before, it was a threat.
I know deep down, I cannot survive his behavior when he drinks.
The second thing that struck me was your turmoil about your own drinking. I too am facing that. It wasn't until I stopped drinking with my A that I even realized I had a problem as well. I have had two drinks in the last 5.5 months. I feel great. One of the two I did have in front to AH. It was Mother's day and the Wednesday before I told him very confidently I was having a drink on Mother's day. He did question it, but I felt confidently that my one drink was for me and he would have to deal with his own feelings on it. Mother's day was fine. Easter, however was not. I was so consumed about how my AH was going to feel about not drinking with my family on Easter that I never stopped to think of how I was going to feel. It was VERY hard not to drink. My whole family was drinking and my cousin even went as far to badger me about it. I stayed confident in front of her, but I realized, I had not come to terms with my own withdrawel from alcohol.
I'm doing OK. I will have a drink now and then, but it's NOT necessary for me to have any alcohol at home for no reason. No one NEEDS alcohol here. If I intend to have a drink on a special occassion, I will most likely discuss it with my AH or just refrain all together. It's NOT necessary for me to have. I have realized in the past 5 months how alcohol is such a given in society. It's in every TV show, advertisement, internet, and certainly prevalent through my entire family. I came from a family of alcoholics even though my parents really didn't drink. I'm learing at almost 40 to have a life without it. It's not easy, but day by day I feel better.
Face to face meetings and this board, and my ODAT book and Co-dependent No more are lifesavers to me.
You're not alone. I'm going through the same thing. IP
-- Edited by Inpain on Sunday 24th of May 2009 10:14:27 PM
I remember wondering if I drank too much, when I had a habit of having a margarita a day. But wondering about it brought up more anxiety, so I promptly swept it under the rug. So, good for you, you are looking at it!
I chose to drink with my husband because I was tired of the fight. "Can't beat em, join em," was my attitude. After about 2 years of this habit, my depression became severe. I went to a holistic doctor who helped me with a myriad of things. For one, he put me on a diet, a cleanse. No sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, etc. I gladly did the cleanse, and had no problem giving up these things. I have generally stayed with it now for 4 years. I feel better, I have more energy and I very rarely put these toxins in my body anymore.
I consider alcohol to be a drug. I used it in the past to avoid my feelings and to take the edge off my anxiety. Was I an alcoholic? Maybe. I was certainly abusing it, I know that. In the end, I feel that true A's probably don't go on a cleanse and stick with it. I did it gladly to get healthy and take care of myself. Now, when I notice anxiety and I want to avoid "feeling", I do something very different than I did in the past... I get with God. I do that by getting to a meeting, calling a member, coming here, reading, praying or meditating.
You have conflicted messages in your post. You say you tend to drink too much, yet you also say you drink in moderation. You probably know that a whole bottle of wine is hardly moderation.
It may help to honestly look at your motives for drinking. Be watchful of enablers, which are in this program too, since we codependents like to be liked. To my ex AH, having wine with dinner made drinking sound harmless, lovely and pure. The disease is very sneaky!
I come from a family of A's. Knowing it's a family disease, I stay away from it since my chances of becoming an A are much higher.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You have conflicted messages in your post. You say you tend to drink too much, yet you also say you drink in moderation. You probably know that a whole bottle of wine is hardly moderation.
I guess what I meant to say was that when I'm drinking wine, I tend to consume the whole bottle. But now that I'm aware of it, I'm wondering if I can drink in moderation (1 or 2 glasses)?
My Dad who has been sober for almost 25 years (and is actively in AA) tells me that alcoholics want to be "social drinkers" (only having one or two drinks), but end up not being able to because the disease takes over and they keep wanting more.
I am not in AA, but I believe your dad is describing the "compulsion" to drink. In the beginning, my ex AH decided to limit himself. He just couldn't do it, as your dad says. Still, he would consider himself a social drinker, and claimed he was nothing compared to ol' so and so.
The disease is very sly, telling us it's all okay. Of course, I have learned here, the disease wants to destroy us. This is why I prefer to stay away from it.
You are very brave. You are very honest. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 25th of May 2009 08:23:39 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Why don't you try a "self-test" or two, with respect to YOU.... Starting today, go a month without touching a drop of alcohol.... see how you do... it will help shed some light and give you some reassurance about how you fit into things....
With respect to your hubby - I think it boils down to whether or not this is important enough - for you - to establish boundaries c/w consequences.... That is a call you're going to have to make, but it does sound to me like your A is "digging in" for the battle....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"3. I'm on medication for my anxiety and the doctor said I shouldn't drink while taking it." -N8SMOM
If this is the case... I wouldnt be mixing antibiotics or antidepressants with alcohol. It is very important to take your doctor's advisement in regards to medications.
"It's not like I'm trying to prove that I'm better than him or anything by not drinking? Or am I?????" - N8SMOM
This is an issue only you can look at within & take up with yourself. Growing up ACoA, I had lots of issues about society & judgements... how things look.
If you don't know if you can have a glass of wine of two, I guess seems shocking to me - as I have abused myself so much but I can & do have one glass of wine. I used to drink way too much and did at different times, ways over the years. I did get drunk, a lot. I started partying in HS (alcohol/marijuana) and as a preteen I would sip on the liquers in the liquor cabinet.
My b/f rarely drinks & I clearly liked it more than he did. We may have kids one day, so I've stopped drinking to excess.
Only you can determine if you have a drinking problem or not but I do think it is a very important question to consider. That being said... your alcohol consumption is a seperate issue from your AH's drinking/disease. You cannot be a good role model & expect that to make any difference. But you do have to live in your head & come to terms with yourself.
Be very careful mixing alcohol with pills.
Maybe you would benefit from checking out an open AA (or NA) meeting. If alcohol is not an issue, than neither is one drink.
In AA they say, one drink too many, a thousand not enough.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
