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I got a call from my son's probation officer this morning (Friday). He has been in juvie for a week b/c he tested positive for pot. His new lab tests came back this morning. They weren't due back until Tuesday. So now I have to go pick him up this afternoon @ 5:00. He will be on House Arrest all weekend until we can meet w/the Sheriff on Monday. This isn't house arrest with an ankle monitor. This is house arrest, kid you stay home 24/7, no one is allowed over, you cannot go anywhere and one of your parent's MUST remain at the house with you at all times, kind of house arrest. The parent business of course means me b/c his dad is of no help! I even called & told him. He knew about my weekend plans and did not make any kind of offer to help me out w/our son. Of course, what did I expect anyway. I'd hoped for some sympathy I guess, some sort of gesture towards helping....but who am I kidding?
This is why this sucks so bad for me and my daughter. We had plans this weekend. We were going to the movies on Saturday w/some cousins. Then we were going to the beach all day Sunday with another cousin. I was planning on running errands to get all the stuff I needed to work on my yard (landscaping stones, flowers, etc.). I was definately NOT planning on staying home all weekend. And now I have to.
Granted the PO is going to bend the rules for me and allow me to take my son to the beach on Sunday. The kicker here is he HATES the beach. If I ask him to go, he will say no. If I force him to go, he will sit there and fuss the entire time. He will REFUSE to put on sunblock b/c he can't stand the way if feels and smells. He will nag me the whole time to go home. Basically it will not be the stress free relaxing day I had hoped for that my daughter and I need so badly. And if he gets sunburnt, the next week will be filled w/his boo-hooing about sunburn hurting and how mad he is at me for forcing him to go.
I have relatives coming in and staying at my parents house and I won't even be able to go visit with them! Unless of course I can get special permission from the PO to take my son out of the house!! This is just freakin' ridiculous.
So I am sitting here at the office almost in tears. Ruined. The whole weekend is shot. He is going to pace around the house, stomping his feet, whining and making me and his sister completely and utterly miserable. We are being punished b/c he wants to be a juvenile deliquent. It just totally sucks and I am completely frustrated with the whole situation. I am trying the whole detachment bit but in this case, it just aint workin' people. You have to be able to eliminate yourself from the situation....and that can't be done....I cannot escape it.
Thanks for listening to me whine. I had hoped I'd feel better but I don't. I just feel deflated, zapped and miserable.
Nothing changes unless something changes.... Sounds to me like you are planning on acting/reacting the very same way to him & his antics going forward, and have even pre-planned the chaos and rotten weekend before it has happened.... Remember that the definition of insanity is to "keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result"
Bottom line - you cannot change your son, but you CAN choose to do things differently... if you dive into a program of recovery, you will learn the skills, patience, and love required to make better decisions for you & your daughter, and likely even your son....
I don't say the above from a position of judgement QOD, I really don't... your post just boils over with frustration, and yet it does appear that you aren't changing any of YOUR behaviours, and how they relate to your recovery....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have so felt that feeling.... doomed before it even begins... But there really is hope.
You said an interesting thing .... "you have to be able to eliminate yourself from the situation..."
That certainly helps to get space... but for me, space or no space... the demon I am dealing with is ME... not the situation. I get to choose how I let it affect my day. (some days I just am horrible at dealing with that)
Your weekend will certainly be different than what you planned... but I will pray that you have a great time anyway, that if he chooses to pout and be a horse's ass... that you can let it make him miserable... and not you and everyone else. :)
Take care of you!!! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I concur w/Tom on this one...If i "plan" a bad weekend, its gonna be bad....MY attitude dictates how my day is gonna be....
I would just say "ok, hes comin home"...Make the best of it...take care of me...think of other stuff to do to have fun.....do what your supposed to do and DETACH....Just LET GO......I am reading your post and am reading that you already have "planned" a crappy weekend....Hey it CAN be good if you work your program and look at the positives in your life.....I know it is hard, but it CAN be done....I would go to a meet tonight...talk w/sponsor....get the steps out steps 1,2,3 and WORK them.....
Thanks for the post Canadianguy. You speak of change. I cannot think of a single "Change" I can make at this point. I have worked every possible angle w/my son on his deliquent behaviors. I have tried anger, compromising, begging, ignoring, just plain talking, crying. Nothing I have tried has worked. This is why it is in the courts hands now. I finally turned to the law for help. I reported him every time he stayed gone all night. I worked w/the school on his truency. I worked w/the mental health dept on his drug and alcohol abuse. It finally just had to come down to him breaking the law a couple of times to get any help. But this help is in the form of a program that is extremely demanding on him and ME. This is fine. I am committed to his recovery. However, this whole ordeal is effecting my 6 yo daughter. She is a great kid and yet she is being punished b/c of her brothers behavior. This is what has me the most frustrated. The fact that I had made plans w/her for this weekend and b/c of my son, I will not be able to follow through. And it not a decision I am making not to follow through on my plans. I am being told by the law that I cannot follow through on my plans. My hands are tied. And yes! This makes me very very ANGRY!!!! I am a responsible, independent, strong woman who has been to hell and back w/the ex and his addictions only to have to continue to suffer through it w/our son AND be told by the law what I can and cannot do in my time. All I want to do is go to the movies w/my daughter and sit out on the beach building sand castles and relax for ONE freakin' day. But of course I cannot do that. All b/c of my son who cannot take responsiblity for his own actions and now I am being forced to take that responsibility for him regardless of the consequences it has on his sister. So yes, my pot runneth over w/frustration at this point. I have explored every possible avenue and none of them have helped ease the burden I am feeling of dealing w/an unruly teen by myself.
Sorry to vent....but I just don't understand what "change" you are talking about. Change what??? I just want to get on w/my life. Enjoy life. Relax. Have some easy going for once. I have been fighting these battles for way too long.
Have you thought about getting him into some kind of a rehab faclitiy. Clearly you should not be punished too. I would not entertain anyone whining anymore. I did for years. Now I would work pretty hard on my detachment. I work really really hard when someone is trying to get my attention in a negative way. I work super hard at not allowing it to get to me. It is possible. Practice makes perfect.
I don't see how the law can tell you where you are going to spend your weekend. If you are unavailable they can put him with his father, or someone else who is available. Or keep him in custody?
I don't know the law, but it sounds ridiculous. What if you worked weekends?
Anyhow, I can certainly relate to your anger and frustration and you have every right to have it. Feel it. Then try to move on.
Like others have said...don't let it ruin the whole weekend even if it isn't going to be what you planned for it to be. Come up with a new plan!
QOD, you expected some sort of gesture from your son's dad and he didn't volunteer it. That stinks. He is his father and should help with him. But since he didn't volunteer, can you ask him for the help you need with your son? The worst he can do is say no, but hopefully he will say yes and you will get the beach break you need. Its been a hard lesson for me to learn that its OK to ask for what I need. In my mind, my AH should just KNOW what I need. So, I get stubborn about ASKING for it when it should just be rightfully mine. Problem is, my AH is barely aware of what he needs, let alone me or his kids. So, I gotta ask for it. It hasn't killed me yet, LOL. Hope that helps and big hugs, Kathy
Hort7: his dad is supposed to be working all weekend. But on top of that, he has a ruptured disk in his back and may not even be able to do that. If he is not @ work, he will be knocked out and in bed. No help.
david62: My son will be 16 in Aug. He has entered a drug program through the court system. They already know my work schedule and are working around that during the week. The agreement we entered in order for him to get in the program basically puts me at their mercy. I have to do what they say and when. They work w/me on my work schedule but outside of that, my hands are tied. And they cannot keep him in custody passed the time frame set. As soon as he tested negative for drugs, they HAVE to release him.
As far as making the most of my weekend....well that is fine and dandy. BUT I AM STUCK @ HOME!!! GROUNDED. I busted my butt all week to get my yard work and house work done so I'd be free to do fun things this weekend. If I'd known that I was going to be stuck @ home, I would have saved that work for the weekend. At least then I would have something to occupy my time. Now I will be sitting at home w/my thumbs up my butt, staring at the tv while the kids fight over what program to watch. Yea that sounds exciting.
As far as ignoring my son while he rants & raves....well hell, my house isn't big enough for that. I can try to make him go to his room but as I have experienced in the past, that won't work. He will just look at me w/a crap eating grin on his face and REFUSE to do anything i ask him to do. Ignore?? Yea fat chance.
I understand the 16 yr old son dear friend, my son is 17....We had a blow out yesterday. It is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, my son will follow me outside, around the house and just make me crazy.
As you know I too had to deal with addiction with my hub. A few weeks ago my son came home drunk and started his shat. Well, I as well called the law....they put him in a mental hospital for 4 days and that was that.
It did help until he didn't get his way again....he behaved for a few weeks and yesterday wanted to stay home from school today so he could go stay at his friends, I am not stupid...of course I am sure they were going to party !!!!! So I locked myself in the bathroom and took a long long bath.....
This lasted for about 3 hours....I just sucked it up and did not give in Oh how I wanted to say just got and get away from me.
I don't have an answer for your weekend, a thought is have a cook out invite some of your daughter's friends over....since he hates the son...maybe he will just stay inside.....go buy a slip and slide for the girls or a small pool just plan something at home that you will enjoy and keep it out doors where he obviously hates being....A THOUGHT!!!!!!!
Nothing is worse than a week end spoiled before it even gets here. I am so sorry for all of this.
This may sound corney, but mabe you and your daughter should rent movies, pop some popcorn, make some brownies. If he comes out of his room and is stomping his feet, demand he go back to his room. You are the adult in this situation(sorry, don't mean to sound harsh).
Why not go buy the stuff for your yard before he comes home. I suppose you could be in the yard and him in the house. Perhaps the law would allow that much.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I think you've had some good options presented here, particularly by Christy and Clara.... the "change" I meant was more along those lines.... you have the ability to "choose" good decisions, for you and your daughter, regardless of whether or not your son is uncooperative this weekend.... you can choose NOT to participate in the fights with your son.... you can choose NOT to allow him to obliterate boundaries.... you can choose NOT to prevent him from feeling the consequences of his actions/inactions....
I don't want to sound preachy - not one bit.... I don't pretend for a minute that any of this is easy.... I guess what I was picking up today, is that you are nearing the end of your rope with a very frustrating son, but everything (both you and him) is staying the same.... Change something up.... change your willingness to be involved in his crises..... change how much involvement you have when he is acting like an ass.... change your perspective to focus on what is GOOD in your life, whether that is your daughter, or whatever..... It just all sounds so heavy for you right now - just trying to encourage you to lighten the load a bit....
Slight revision of the age-old saying.... "He (your son) will either be a butthead this weekend, or he will not.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Try not to take these events personally. I find that when I argue with reality, I suffer. When I resist what happens, I am at the mercy of what happens, and the world determines my happiness (or unhappiness.) Consider that it is your thinking that "this should not be happening," that's actually causing the distress. If you are okay with it, what happens? "I am powerless." It's the beginning and the end of the 12 steps for me.
This past week, things didn't go as I had planned. It was my first vacation since I went back to work a year 1/2 ago, when my AH and I separated and divorced. My daughter (who is visiting) and I made plans to go on a trip this week, but the day we were to leave, she woke up very sick with a bacterial infection.
I am so grateful for the program. I am finding that the key to my serenity, is to not mind what happens, to be in alignment with what is. My daughter went to the doctor, started an antibiotic, and our trip was delayed and shortened by a day. In the end, we still had an amazing time together. Nothing about it was "perfect," and yet it was.
I hope that you can find ways to still make your weekend special, I love the suggestions from the other posts. It has always served me well, to have a plan B, C and D.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
When i am absolutely powerless, I literally *throw up my hands" and say "OK, HP...YOU take this" and bad as it can be sometimes....What I *resist...persists*...Fight it and it makes the karma worse....So what choices do I have??? sometimes I write it down....pros' (can do's) and the cons (not gonna work) and I journal it and then LOOK and turn it over
what would happen if you refused to take him,???? I know it sounds stupid, but do you HAVE to take him????
no body is tryin to preach to you here, but I see that in MY life, my mindset has a lot to do if my day is going to suck....
case in point
i have a bully boss....tues I nearly walked out.....I came home....prayed....surrendered and made up my MIND that Friday (I work 2 days a week) was going to be a GOOD day because it was MY day
bully boss was at work...>I was professional....courteous...minded my own business....kind when asked a ??? by him.....got his pay check to him quick b/c he had to go to bank early.......I did what was right with the attitude that I can make this bad or good by my ATTITUDE....I can "look for" him to go after me OR go with the flow and take it as it comes and STILL not fight it even when setting boundary.......He must have sensed my non aggressive attitude b/c he was as nice as pie to me today....I did NOT feed the negativity.....I do believe there are entities within and without me that are going to come against me...If I RE-act and fight them??? I get clobbered....If I just accept the facts as they are...Do my best to take care of me....SURRENDER to the highest power of all--God....LET GO.....It (negativity) has nothing to *eat* and it disipates.....I was hard for me to go in to work today...I had no idea what was going to happen, but I just kept saying to myself. "this is MY day...MY life....and OK.......what then??"......I always have options.....I can STOP....THINK...BREATHE deeply......Let HP guide my steps and do better.....Today was a good day!!! It was good b/c I took life and accepted what was and went with the flow NOT against it, struggling with it....
I hope this made sense.....ths is just my take......take what you can use and leave the rest....
The only thing u can change about this weekend is your attitude towards it . I like Andreas suggestion , invite the visiting relatives to your home for a bbq , and remember your not responsible for your sons behavior , let him make as big an ass out of himself as he wants to Get some great movies , extra special snacks and live it up ! I know this is hard - but make the best of a bad situation and enjoy the weekend , there will be other days at the beach for you and daughter . There is a line in our literature that says What would u be doing right now if this werent happening ??? Letting son ruin your weekend is placing yourself in victim mode and I know u don't wanna be there . And if u go to the beach , don't debate with him at all , ignore his mood and enjoy , and if he gets burned , oh well !!!!!
I know this sounds like everything is ruined. You've gotten some really good suggestions. Here's another one just for you and your daughter. Plan a weekend just for the two of you. It may not be this weekend so make it another weekend. Make it the best mother-daughter weekend you can think of. The 2 of you can plan it out and let nothing stand in the way of it. So it's in a couple of weeks. The point is the time you 2 share. You will have something to look forward to.
My sister is upset that I have to work all weekend long (actually the next 7 days straight). She wanted to do a big bbq and wants me to me a part of it. I appreciate that. But I have an obligation to work and I had made the committment to do this long before she brought the bbq up. She's fumimg at me. Nothing I can do about it. She left me a message that would make a farmer blush! Now I can let it ruin my day or I can just brush it off and make it her problem. This is her reaction, not mine.
The payoff for me is that I have 5 days off in a row. So it becomes a mini vacation for me. It isn't the ideal thing, but it really isn't that bad. It will probably rain, but that's okay to. Whatever is going to happen next week, is going to happen. I'll know it when it happens.
Try and make the best of this weekend and know that you and her have an extra special one ahead of you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I'm sorry you're stuck with this and certainly understand your frustration. Teenage boys can be really obnoxious even when they don't have addiction issues.
You've gotten some really good suggestions for alternatives to the beach. Bring the beach to your daughter - Andrea beat me to the idea of the slip 'n slide or small pool! If you don't have a sandbox, you can get some play sand pretty cheaply at home improvement stores and make your own. When you're done with it, the sand can get distributed into your flower beds if you don't want to keep the sand box.
Heck - get the ingredients for s'mores and make them using the bbq grill. You and your baby girl can have a 'Girl's Day Out' on another weekend.
Get some sidewalk chalk and decorate your driveway or sidewalk. Crayola has this 3D stuff that's about $4 at Target - even my 8yo son likes this.
Get some inexpensive flower pots and some pansies - you and your girl can make your own patio garden.
My point is, focus on you and your girl - pretend that the weather is crappy at the beach and you couldn't go anyway, so you're making do with what you've got at home. You wouldn't mope around the house in that situation, right?
The son can rot in his room if he chooses, little snot. Don't give him the satisfaction of ruining your plans - just make different ones.
It's OK to be frustrated, as long as you don't wallow in it.
The thing is YOU just never know- HP does. YOU can make all the plans in the world but what goes down is often far beyond our control and is often different from what we plan. This is just how life often is, from my experience. I miss a bus, I miss a flight, etc. Something gets canceled- stuff falls through. Regardless of what is going on, I am exactly where I am supposed to be for some reason that I cannot see. Trust that this change of plan is somehow THE BEST for you because our HP only brings us through what is best for us, in the LONG run (may not feel like it in the short term). For some reason, HP has a different plan for you for this weekend! hugs, J.
I have been thinking about you and your ruined week end.
Another thought. Whatever you do, do not give him the power to know that he has messed up your week end. By you doing some of the many pleasant alternative plans, you are showing you still have the power to choose and most off all you still have the power over your decisions.
Let us know how it went.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Nothing I can do about it. She left me a message that would make a farmer blush! Now I can let it ruin my day or I can just brush it off and make it her problem. This is her reaction, not mine. 
It isn't the ideal thing, but it really isn't that bad. It will probably rain, but that's okay to. Whatever is going to happen next week, is going to happen. I'll know it when it happens. 
