The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past Monday, I realized that I have been in denial about the emotional and verbal abuse that I have been putting up with over the years (even though you lovely people have pointed it out to me on more than one occasion ). I realized that I have been excusing it because it always occurs when my AH has been drinking. I finally thought "So what? It still doesn't make it OK for him to speak to me that way".
Tuesday I had to have an outpatient procedure to address (sorry in advance to the guys who may be reading this) issues I've been having over the years with painful periods. This procedure required general anesthesia, so my AH had to get me to the Dr. and back home again afterward. Well, that worked out ok - got through the procedure and home all in one piece. As soon as he got me to bed, he left immediately to "the store" (aka liquor store), comes home and starts drinking. A few hours later, I needed more pain medication from the pharmacy, which he dutifully went and got.
After finally getting my pain under control, I dragged myself out of bed and into the family room. By this time, it's about 7:30pm and the 8 year old still has not been fed dinner. Ugh. AH is on the phone to one of his friends, not paying attention to anything else. Son and I fire up the toaster oven and get him a frozen pizza for dinner and thus get things somewhat back on track. Oh - I should tell you that my precious child protested me getting up to help him get his pizza - he told me that he was ok, he had fixed himself some popcorn. Bless his heart - I just told him that popcorn wasn't enough for dinner and it wasn't any trouble to fix him that pizza.
About an hour or so later, AH decides that he needs to lecture me on the fact that we're paying auto insurance and cell phone bills for our older 2 kids (18 and 20) and basically how good they've got it. Ok, fine, whatever. Then he proceeds to gripe about how we provided both of them with cars to drive while they were in school and how we are at risk with them being on our policy etc, etc, etc... At which point I gently reminded him that he's the one who opened that door. Of course, I'm still at fault for letting it stay open, right? This is not 100% my doing. Yes, I have a part in it, but not all of it.
Any way, all of this is going on while I'm fairly medicated and otherwise still feeling pretty crappy. He then proceeds to tell me that although I am smart, I have "no social sense", blah, blah, blah. When he stopped to take a breath, I simply said, "You know, I really don't feel like having this conversation again, and when you put me down like that, it makes me feel bad.". His response was akin to catching a deer in the headlights. He finished refreshing his drink, then scurried off to his studio and got back on the phone with whoever.
I feel pretty good about the fact that I was able to let him know how what he said to me makes me feel without any drama whatsoever. It's not my usual pattern. Normally, I just keep quiet or say "I'm sorry you feel that way" - nothing ever about how it makes me feel, then melt down the next day with people who are safe to talk to.
I've shared this with my sponsor and a couple of other friends from my f2f meetings - they were very positive and saw this as progress. I tend to agree.
Anyway, I just felt like I needed to share that with you all out here in MIP-land. Even though I don't post often, I'm out here pretty much every day soaking up your ESH.
My first word after I read this was,"Wow!" (o: I am so glad for you to stand up for you without yelling or putting your tail between your legs!
I can imagine you were and are miserable! Are you feeling any better? I don't know what procedure you had but I can imagine you are suppose to stay still.
It is amazing, the disease could not care any less that you may need meds, so the A drives drunk. Then does not care that you don't need to be confronted about anything when you just had surgery. YES it is a surgery.
What you went thru was traumatic! Medical procedures are never fun for petes sake!
I sure hope today was better. Please check back asap to let us know.
atta girl , one of the hardest things for me to accept was that I had taught my husband how to treat me , he was only doing what he had always done . I accepted crappy attitudes for yrs and never said enough , Boundaries are important in a relationship and they are an action thing for me , you have set one on the way u will be talked to , now the hard part next time it happens stop it in its tracks . it really dosent take them long to understand u mean it and start responding differently . Louise
I am feeling much better, thank you! Just a little washed out and tired - have to take it easy for a couple of weeks - no furniture moving or anything like that, LOL!
The procedure I had was called ThermaChoice - it's a uterine ablation procedure. So while there were no incisions or anything like that, the day of the procedure itself was still pretty tough and it took me a while to get ahead of the pain, but it did pass once I was able to get the additional medication. The good news is that there's a very good chance that I will stop having periods altogether (YAY!!!). If not, then they will be much lighter and way less painful, which I am totally OK with - anything less painful is better than what I've been dealing with for the past several years. Hmm guess I could say the same for my emotional state too....
Louise - you are absolutely right - we do teach them how to treat us by accepting unacceptable behavior. Boundaries are scary - I've been dreading setting them for a while now - then all of a sudden, I just did it. Amazing.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. Verbal abuse is NOT less damaging then physical abuse. What you said clearly must have been on target based on your AH's reaction ("deer in the headlights") ahh... we can all visualize what that looks like... it sounds like it was effective/heard ~ kudos to you!
It is hard to make those initial changes & you got to where you just did it, that's awesome, I'm so happy for you. It is very empowering, standing up for ourselves & setting boundaries ~ yaaaay!!
Hope u will be able to take it easy & rest & recover in peace. Take care of YOU!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Good for you. A giant step. And guess what? It will get easier and easier. Your AH will soon realize he needs to "un-learn" his unacceptable ways. Set boundaries. Maybe have a heart to heart about what you will no longer accept. You deserve it. Never miss a opportunity to stop abuse, reguardless of the form.
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better after your procedure. And you're right, bless your son's heart for not wanting you to bother with his dinner - you defintiely have a thoughtful little man on your hands. Give him an extra big hug for me.
AMEN!!! "never miss an opportunity to stop abuse"......I do not do "abuse"...from NOONE....there is no place for it in my life....
I had a friend of 30 years...She has this habit of throwing my defects at me every time we would talk...I told her that until she became perfect, "please do NOT work my inventory....that is for ME to work, unless I have harmed you and need to make an amend"
She didn't stop....kept throwing my defects at me...I finally told her that I wanted to work this out, however, it was not healthy and conducive to my recovery to be around one who makes me feel bad about who / what I am...I said it was damaging to me to have my defects thrown at me and besides!!!! I am in recovery WORKING ON ME......
she still didn't get it so I wrote her one of the hardest emails I had towrite....I told her that her behaviour was undermining my recovery and that I had to detach from her as it is damaging and unhealthy for me to be around folks, any folks, who put me down.....if I hurt you??? TELL me....But to assasinate my character???? NO!!!!"
I ended the letter telling her that this was difficult for me, hoewver, I did not see the behaviour on her part changing and that the only thing that was going to change was me and the change/amend is I am detaching!!! I wished her the very best...I said I would remember the good/laughter/fun we had, however, in the course of taking care of me and moving forward in my recovery, I CAN not...WILL not be around abuse......It stops or I go!!!!
Its been 2 months since we talked, almost 3...She has not attempted to make amends and I have NO expectations....I set the boundary...Detached.....Let go.....and I have accepted it....Yea, I grieved...I "teared up' when I thought of our 30 years together, I fixed her up with her now deceased long term companion....
She is controlling and NEVER is wrong!!! So I know when I wrote that letter it would be "goodbye"...So sad.....but NOONE is messin with my recovery....I worked too damned hard to get where I am.......
I often wonder why the people that care the most, can also be the most hurtful. It can be very hard to break the cycle of verbal abuse because it can be very sneaky and sometimes appear to be said out of love. Not to mention it can be turned around on us by the manipulative A behavior. Good for you for taking care of yourself. And thanks for letting all of us know. It reminds me that I do not have to stand for it either, nor do I have to do much in response except take care of myself. Sometimes, easier said than done. thanks:)
"I often wonder why the people that care the most, can also be the most hurtful." -angelchar
I often thought of this very question... I think the answer is, if abuse is in our family or simple even codependency this is where we learn to be "perfectionistic" - there I got the excessive critisicisms & the nit picking & the expectation of being perfect, which is of course not true/reality. We learn what we are taught & grow up to do those same things, unless we look to ourselves fiercely & honesty to change & start with me/us as individuals.
So if my mom was hard on me & she loved me, naturally I would be hard on those I held at the worthy of my love standard. They got the same treatment, until I learned to change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
). I realized that I have been excusing it because it always occurs when my AH has been drinking. I finally thought "So what? It still doesn't make it OK for him to speak to me that way". 
Well done.
