The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few years ago, I realized that I habitually reacted to situations from very trivial/minor to major at the same level. For instance, whether my partner was a few minutes late to pick me up, changed a date in advance, stood me up, or broke up with me, I had the same level of intensity of reaction: fear, self-berating, and obsession. I performed major analysis on my partner's motives, thoughts, actions, etc. I thought obsessively about how I should respond. I could get caught in a "What if..." or "Why?" cycle for days.
If I couldn't control the other person, then I tried to control my feelings. Nothing worked and I just felt bad about myself and my inability to keep things in perspective. I could get lost for days in fear and get completely turned topsy-turvy over what was a little deal and what was a big deal.
Now, through the help of a spiritual teacher, when I am in the grips of fear, I have learned to ask and answer, "And then what...?"
Asking and answering this question shrinks my fear just like that! What if he/she is late...I will read a book/go for a walk/enjoy the sun. What if my partner stands me up...I will follow-through on my Plan B and tell my partner I am disappointed they didn't follow through. What if we break up...then I will grieve and be sad, but I will work on finding joy again...
Oh yea, the "and THEN what??" keeps the mind from just running away and escalating the "possibilities"..Usually the worst does not happen, however if it did "and THEN what???"...its like we are giving our mind a "step by step life 101..on how to handle stuff"......Giving us this sense of "what is next around the corner"...
I habitually reacted to situations from very trivial/minor to major at the same level. For instance, whether my partner was a few minutes late to pick me up, changed a date in advance, stood me up, or broke up with me, I had the same level of intensity of reaction: fear, self-berating, and obsession. I performed major analysis on my partner's motives, thoughts, actions, etc. I thought obsessively about how I should respond. I could get caught in a "What if..." or "Why?" cycle for days.
Incredible lightbulb moment for me right now. Thank you Blue Cloud. I, too, react with the same level of intensity - life or death usually. Over the years, I have begun to notice that this part of me that reacts is the little child terrified of being abandon - terrified of finding out she truly is less than.
This reactive part is so instinctive to me, so incredibly primal - I almost cannot catch myself from "going there." It feels like I can go from 0 to Crazy is a split second. The more "out of control" I FEEL, the worse the symptoms of this - the deep the self-loathing and berating, the obsessing and panic.
I am so very grateful you shared your tool here this morning. I will practice this.
Incredible lightbulb moment for me right now.