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Hi everyone. I love these boards and the online meetings, they have really been a huge lifesaver for me. Its so amazing to know I can come here anytime and you are all here, you all understand.
I just want some opinions. I have an ah and I have finally accepted the fact that he is going to drink, I cant control that. Im still on Step 2 in the program but just the fact that I accepted that he is going to drink is huge for me.
Ive been reading some posts and some things stuck with me, "One day at a time" "One minute at a time" when its really hard. But then I saw someone said, where do you see yourself in a week, a month, a year, etc. I really love my husband, and I decided I want him in our life (we have a 4 month old son) I really cant picture life without him.
Ok so the point of my post. Ah drinks at home a few nights a week and he "needs" one day to go out with a friend and as he calls it, "be a dumb guy." He says they go out golfing and to bars. On that day, I pretty much expect him to come home drunk. So I work all day and go to my parents and stay there for dinner and till like 8 or 9 pm (they watch the baby when we work) I relax and have a nice night. But, is it too much to expect him to be home when we get home at 9pm? It doesnt matter if he is passed out drunk, on the front lawn, whatever lol. I just like to know that he is home safe.
Our past "agreements" havent worked at all, they just cause more fighting. They included sticking to drinking 3 days a week or watching the amount he drinks. Now I see that those expectations were impossible. Does this new agreement sound workable, or am I still expecting too much?
I just know that if I came home and he still wasnt home, I would be worrying like crazy. Even though Im not supposed to. How can i do that? I dont know how I can have no expectations of my husband. Help!
-- Edited by M's Mommy on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 05:05:00 PM
Just Let Go and Let God. In my own experience, not expecting anything at all has helped. Alcoholics can be like children, like my ah, I would tell him: please do this and that, and he would do the exact opposite.
Work on YOU and enjoy that day off :)
(((M'sMommy)))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I can understand your questions regarding Expectations and Living One Day at a Time while at the same time asking the questions where would like to be in 1 year or 5 years from now and how to live without expectations.
I found the answers in the tools of the program. I was told to focus on myself I was powerless over others). I was full of anxiety, fear, anger andself pity. My sponser said these were my feelings and that I needed to work the steps so that MY Attitude would change and i would feel confident, peace and compassionate.
Once I began to trust HP use the tools and work the steps the program started to make sense .
The alanon opening in my meeting states you can be Happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Please keep the focus on you, get to meetings, read the daily readers and make a daily gratitude list. Change does happen but it is progress not perfection.
Just Let Go and Let God. In my own experience, not expecting anything at all has helped. Alcoholics can be like children, like my ah, I would tell him: please do this and that, and he would do the exact opposite.
Work on YOU and enjoy that day off :)
(((M'sMommy)))
RIGHT!!!! NO expectations from a drunk......It is unrealistic to ask an active A to to anything......Unrealistic expectations are set up resentments......LET GO...LET GOD....Take care of child.....Let him sink or swim.....IF he gets into recovery?? yea, cheer him on, but its HIS life...HIS choice...HIS death if he wants to keep drinking.....M's is right...Ask them to do something...They do the opposite......
DETACHMENT....minding your own business is the best way.....yea, you can love him, if you choose to live with an active alcoholic, but brace yourself....This drinking is progressive....It can only get worse, if no recovery , It will get worse....I know...I have a family full of them.....2 ex A husbands and w/out recovery, They get worse...
Folks call it a disease...I call it a choice....They CAN get into recovery and quit.....I call cancer a disease...It comes on a body w/o their help....THIS is a CHOICE......My mother drank until it killed her.....1st her health got worse and worse, then her liver began bleeding through her orifices and she just "disolved" inside....My A brother already has enlarged liver....My other A brother has all kinds of probs with his teeth going bad...His body is 54 and he looks 74......They CAN quit with program and turning over to HP....they choose not to...I always pray for thier victims and just turn them over to God..I cannot help or change an A.......
.Don't get hurt anymore by asking him of anything....That is setting you and the child up for disappointment....the road is hard living with an active A...the sucessful women/men who do make it with thier A's , I see, Is to live separate lives...Be totally independent of them...have fun wiht them when they can...LOADS of letting go..TONS of detachment..MARRIAGE to the 12 steps/program...Acceptance that they have to take care of their own needs....NO joint credit cards, autos, bank accounts etc, its a hard road, but doable, ONLY if the sober mate works on thier program and realizes that they cannot count on the A for anything....You , essentially, are on your own....You will always come 2nd to the alcohol and there is always that potential of fighting escellating into violence. so be careful!!!! I would just let him do what hes gotta do...Do my own thing....Let him pay the consequences if he gets busted for DUI....Its a waste to fight with him and he could get physical...ya just don't know what a "loaded" person can do...I would mind my own business and take care of me and my kid....
I don't have any advice for you, but I just want to share my story with you.
My husband has always been a drinker. About 4 years ago his drinking got way out of control - he cheated on me with a prostitute and I kicked him out of the house. He went to stay with a friend awent on a 3-day bender that landed him in rehab. I was so angry that he cheated on me that I wanted nothing to do with him. Our son was 4 months old at that time and I had no idea what to do. I had a recovering father who told me it was a disease and I couldn't blame him for it and I honestly felt like I had nowhere to turn, so I let him back in the house. After 3 months he started drinking again and I just accepted it as who he was.
Over the years he would have his drinking benders every couple of months and each time it happened I kept wishing I had left him the first time around. It got to the point that I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I went to a therapist and told her what was going on in my life. She said "no wonder you have anxiety, look what you've been dealing with for years."
So you may not think it's affecting you, but it may affect you down the road. I would never wish the anxiety and panic attacks I've had on anyone - it was horrible. I'm still dealing with my anxiety, but with the help of therapy, medication, and most important, Al-Anon, I'm hoping to become a stronger person so I can make the right decision for my son and me.
expecting a practicing alcoholic to stick to your * agreement * is a fantacy ,this disease dosent care about promises . He drinks , he will arrive home when he gets there period . Iwould frankly prefer they weren't home when I got there , bath time with baby and a hot bubble bath for you ,time alone . We have a sayig here Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair , it gives u something to do but gets u no where. Your husb has a higher power too , something I always forgot , he will take him where he needs to go. expectations are a premeditated resentment and 'god knows we don't need any more of those . Accept that he will arrive when ever and get a good nites sleep I am sure baby tkes up a lot of your time and energy your husb is an adult he is responsible for what he does , worrying will not change a thing .
Wow, not what I wanted to hear, but I appreciate everyone's honesty.
As far as cheating, I would never tolerate that and he knows it. I would not want anything to do with him ever again if that happened, I dont care if he is drinking or not.
And about panic attacks and anxiety, I am all too familiar with that. Ive been having panic attacks for about 5 years now, and I know what hell it can be. I wouldnt wish it on anyone ever. I went to therapy and hated it and I was on meds but I hated the side effects. I choose to deal with it through yoga and al anon now.
Im not saying his drinking doesnt affect me, obviously it does and that is why Im here. I just thought that if I knew he was home I wouldnt have to worry. But I guess that is too much to expect from an alcoholic. My husband has never been violent or physical,even when he is drinking. If anything that is me. He always walks away and leaves me yelling by myself.
Ill keep coming back and working through the program. Im here because I know its what is best for my son and I.
When my sober in recovery husband started not calling if he was not home by six, it was another sign of relapse.
I learned to never have expectations of anything or anyone. Then I am never dissappointed.
I am happy when someone shows up. I don't want any promises. If they do what they say great, if not oh well. I just lovem.
Same with the stupid dish network, cell,anything. I don't expect anything.
Feels so good to just take things as they come. I rarely get mad or stressed or concerned.
When I got on this JW match thing, I did not expect anything. It isn't in my hands anyway.
So in blabbering all that. I like Abbyals answer. The disease progresses hon. It will get worse, a lot worse. So the sooner you learn to go to bed and go to sleep, the better.
Are you going to Face to face meetings hon?
He is an adult, well as much as a using A can be. We are not in control of them.
When ever he started using, that is the age he is. So if he started at fifteen, he has the maturity of a fifteen year old.
sad but true. hugs, btw, just come here and talk to us.
I set myself up all too often 'expecting' things to change only to be let down and for worry, disappointment and resentment to begin to fester inside me. Over time this took it's toll on me, physically and emotionally. I became sicker as they became sicker.
An A is an A is an A..... This disease is progressive...they don't call it cunning baffling and powerful for nothing. They walk their own path and don't detour for anyone.
In Alanon I am finding the tools to enable me to work at travelling on a different path, one day at a time. This is a new journey for me.... taking baby steps on my route to, hopefully, serenity!! Progress, not perfection.
These are those "fine line" questions that we all struggle with, and many times become the foundation for whether or not we choose to keep living with active alcoholism or not...
For me - it was a matter of getting myself healthy first - and I did that, despite my ex-AW's drinking, after a long time of allowing her disease to suck me into the pit with her....
Once healthy, the right answers - for you - become a lot clearer.... You may be able to handle & accept a life with him continuing to drink - or you may not. It is a much more difficult question/answer than simply "strong = leave, weak = stay" - the right answers - for you - are unique to your situation....
I think the one mistake that many of us make - I know I sure did - was to try & focus on those longer term decisions when I was in an unhealthy mindset, and not at all ready to make a rational decision....
Making deals/expectations with an active A are difficult to do.... as has been stated by others - the KEY thing with any boundaries that you DO need & establish, is there has to be clear consequences of failure to abide by them....
I wish you well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It just amazes me that the man of the house can go out with the guys one night a week, get drunk and no telling what else. Do you get to have a girl's night out.
Resentments like you wrote about are like a blister. They grow and grow until they become infected.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
This last response here by Clara doesnt sit right with me, makes me feel like I need to defend myself.
Believe me, its not that the man of the house can just go out and get drunk and do "no telling what else". You make it sound as if I am ok with that. This new "agreement" of ours has come from years of fighting and disagreements, especially the past few months since the baby has been here. What we were doing before wasnt working, clearly.
This is the only solution that I can come up with as of right now, besides leaving ah. That is not practical, I have the baby to think of too. Ah makes a lot more that I do financially so that is a big part of what is keeping me with him. He is not cheating on me and Iam not in danger physically, he is not a violent man. If either of those things happen, I will leave him no questions asked.
I didnt come on here for opinions on whether I should leave ah or not, I know that decision is mine to make and will become clear in time.
For now, this is all I can do, and take it one day at a time for my own sanity and the sake of my son.
Please dont insinuate that my husband is cheating on me, not every situation is the same. I usually "take what I like and leave the rest" but since this was my post I felt the need to respond.
As far as me having a night out a week, sure I could do that. But I'd rather be with my son, my precious little angel
-- Edited by M's Mommy on Friday 22nd of May 2009 07:56:21 AM
