The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been doing pretty good since I left my A, but as days go by it gets harder and harder. I have no money, I don't have my own house, I have 2 kids to care for somehow on my own. All my stuff is in storage collecting dust. I have 5 weeks of one college class to finish online with no internet. And he calls to see them only when it's convenient for him then I have to see him because he is not taking them anywhere I am not because I do not trust him.
He is the A, the one who cheated and he gets off so much easier now that I left him. He doesn't have to buy food for us, he can leave his apartment whenever he choses to see which ever hoe he choses at the time and not have to worry about the kids at all. Why is that? It's not fair at all and I am already tired of it all. I didn't do anything wrong and I am the one that gets screwed in the end. It would be nice to have a couple hour break from the kids, but the only one offering to take them is my A and last time I let him see my son he passed out and I was only gone 10-20 minutes.
And everyone sits and tells me how they see him with all these different girls and they tell me how nasty they are and what not and it just hurts me to know that he decided to be with them over me.
When he calls on his breaks and I am with friends or not all alone all he says is where are you with my son, why don't you just come home because he doesn't like it I am finding other people to hang around. Not that we do anything besides sit around because I have 2 children I have to constantly watch.
He knows I can't stand my family and that is the only place I have to stay right now. I consider myself homeless, but since I have a place to sleep no one else seems to see this and they wont help me at all.
Im trusting my HP to help me get through this, but I don't even know where to begin to make my life better. Well I know it's better since Im not dealing with him daily, but at times I feel like I am just better off going back there and letting him pay the bills and what not. At least I would have a place to cal lhome and all my things.And my kids could sleep in their beds and I could sleep in my bed.
Thanks for listening I guess I just had to vent.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Melissa I know it sucks...I "appears" he got off w/out a scratch, but turning him over, one day he will see and reap what he has sown...Hes an A..What life does an A really have to look forward to????
YOU really are the winner..I know it does not appear now, but you are...You took care of you..You got out...yea, at first it was hard on me 2, when I left my first A...Had to move in with my sister, thank God I refused to have kids with the guy, but basically, I had NO home..NO car, (had to sell it) and NO job..
But I looked at myself and said "ok, I am FREE of him...I CAN do ......................" and i wrote the stuff down....What can I do today??? What do I want to do w/my life????? I got a job, and got into nite classes....I made new friends....I DID stuff for ME!!!! He kept drinking, I hear, and ya know?? That eventually brings bad health, losses and the only gals who are gonna hang with him are dysfunctional like he is......no healthy gal is gonna want a drunk!!!!
so you CAN take care of you ONE DAY at a TIME....Its gonna take time for you to get back on your feet, but you CAN.....Just keep working the program...Latch on some books about the steps and latch onto a good sponsor....try and find some meetings b/c feeling NOT alone helps...
Hey I was where you are at now and I got myself picked back up and I have ptsd...A real handicap at times, but I just , one thing at a time brought myself back up....I "bartered" for a used car...Did this lady's books and she gave me this little neat car......There are ways to doing stuff and I had no relationship with HP like I do now....HP will guide you.....Steps 1,2,3...really kick in if ya work them....HP is always there for us...all we gotta do is reach out and things happen.....
you are OK...your belly has food..you have a place to sleep...your not being abused by him, unless you allow it, you are gonna be OK....Believe in it...Claim it.....you deserve it...and TELL yourself that you do......Its tough, but goin it one day at a time helps...sometimes I can only do life one HOUR at a time, but I always manage to get through...."THIS too shall PASS"....
I am glad you came here to vent. I dont really have any good ESH, as I dont have kids, so I really can't imagine how tough this is for you. No one can tell you what is best for your family but you. I do know how hard it is to get away from an abusive A -- I ran away from my exAH, literally. I had to abandon my home, career, belongings of which he kept most of my things, to get back at me.
It was the most painful thing I ever did, walking away from my vows but I've never regretted it. It was the best choice for me.
I know it seems easier right now, to just give up & go home. I guess you need to think about whether you want to have your children in that environment. You know it wont get better. It depends on what you're willing to live with or not. It is possible to detach & thrive even when our A's are using but it takes a LOT of work. Plus your kids are innocent & dont need to be around that abuse. I grew up ACoA & it gave me many challenging issues to face. I wouldnt wish it on anybody.
Give yourself a little time & space, maybe you're just having a bad/challenging day. No one would judge you if you felt it was in your best interest & that of ur kids to go home. Who knows, maybe an opportinity will present itself & something will give, hang in there! We're here for you.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 12:33:58 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Life is supposed to be fair?? There is an old saying.... something like: "thinking that life will be fair to me, because I am a good person, is kinda like thinking the tiger won't eat me, because I am a vegetarian"... :)
I know it's tough - I certainly went through that stage, and spent quite a lot (too much) time at my own pity party.... It was never hard to find people who would feel sorry for me, and I kept seeking them out, over and over.... after awhile, and some prodding from my wise old sponsor, I began to see that it wasn't doing ME any good, and I had to slow down on examining the "whys" and "why me's", and started to focus more on the "whats".
It is neither good, nor bad, it simply is.
I wish you luck in your recovery going forward.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You said: "they tell me how nasty they are and what not and it just hurts me to know that he decided to be with them over me."
When things were not well between my A and I and he was deep into his active alcoholism and addiction, I used to feel the same way - that he was choosing to be with other women OVER me, but the truth was that these were people who either shared his same lifestyle or were willing to put up with his behavior as an A. You left. You were not willing to settle for that lifestyle OR partake in it. I would take the decision to spend time with others over me so personally. It hurt, very badly. It still does, but I have to remind myself that it is EASY to be with others- they do not nag or refuse to accept certain behaviors. They allow him to be an A without any "Drama". They don't get in the way from him using drugs or drinking the way that I did. Of course he would choose to spend his time with someone who either shared or allowed his behavior.
You're not alone. Keep coming back. I cannot speak on the children aspect, because I, too, do not have any kids.
Thanks for all your replies. I have been reading a lot lately of my Alanon books. They are helping a lot. I've even started Alanon for friends and family and the big AA book for the second time. I put little sticker book marks in my daily readers of the REALLy good pages I like to reread and every other day I will read all the sticky's I have put in the books. I have 4 daily readers: C2C, ODAT, Calling God, Hope for Tomorrow. They are great. I email my sponsor just about everyday and she is WONDERFUL!!
I have been working the steps. Step 3 is tough for me, but I think going through all this I have really showed myself that I am working it and not just knowing it.
I haven't been able to get to any f2f meetings besides the first one I went to a couple weeks ago. And haven't been in the chat for meetings. I know I need one!!
I was thinking about the thinking victim thing. I am ACOA and know i have done that often but never realized it I guess till the past couple weeks. So I have started reading my ACOA 12 steps book.
I wouldn't expect people on here to judge me if I went back, but I know people in my daily life would. But I wouldn't let that bother me NOW that I've been here. I know I need to do what is best for ME and my KIDS. But I don't think I would be happy there at all other than the fact the bills would be paid and I would have all my stuff.
I know I will get through this. Probably slowly one day at a time and I will be much better in the end. This is hard for me. I am a person who likes to read/learn how to do something in a day or week and then change to what I have learned and this is just not that easy. I need to Keep it Simple and look at the progress I have made.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
(((Melissa))) Been there, done, and bought the t-shirt. It's hard, and it seems unfair, but, you know what, he's the loser in this one. Not that I'm calling him a loser, just that you have your kids, your health, and this program. What does he have? A bottle.
You an do this, trust HP and, like he did in my life, he'll make things fall into place, and keep coming back. (((hugs))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I am glad you felt safe enough here to come back and share your pain. It is extremely difficult to actually pack up all your belongings and leave. You have accomplished that.
I understand looking into the future is frightening so please just try to live one day, one moment at a time. Focus on You- Your school work and children are very important. Try to live in the solution as to how your friends might help with babysitting so you could access the internet and complete your coarse.
Glad you are reading the material it really does help. Please keep coming back and sharing.
It has to be a hard time for you Melissa, but I think you're doing quite well with your attitude; just stay out of the pity party. You are working the program, you are smart, and I know you will come out on the better side of all this. pw
I wouldn't expect people on here to judge me if I went back, but I know people in my daily life would. But I wouldn't let that bother me NOW that I've been here. I know I need to do what is best for ME and my KIDS. But I don't think I would be happy there at all other than the fact the bills would be paid and I would have all my stuff.
I know I will get through this. Probably slowly one day at a time and I will be much better in the end. This is hard for me. I am a person who likes to read/learn how to do something in a day or week and then change to what I have learned and this is just not that easy. I need to Keep it Simple and look at the progress I have made.
I know I have a "no tolerence" for A's and thier sick behaviour, but I don't tell anyone what to do re: staying or leaving...As to judging??? Who the hell am I to judge anyone, LOL...I am here becuz I am acoa, alanon AND coda......It is not my business or right to pass judgment on anyone...I cannot "walk in their shoes" so I cannot in any way know how they feel.....
We all have to do what we gotta do...I give my "take" and "esh" and "what I would do" and if it helps the person??? GREAT....If they disagree???? OK...If they do the opposite???? OK.....Its your life!!! You have the right to make your own choices....
You have done a helluva job taking care of you and the kids...Whatever you do, I wish you the very best....this is YOUR life...We are all here to fellowship, give experience and strength and hope and what "we did/felt" and that is ALL....
Good luck to you...that took a lot of guts to "walk"....I did it but I did not have young kids.....Its gonna be OK!!! I see you have a lot of strength....
