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When my husband got out of detox, I had some "normal expectations" of him. They were quite simple:
1. No beer or booze in the house, and 2. Since he's not working, he has to wake up at a normal time and be a functioning member of this family.
I never made any threats (Like if you drink I'm leaving), I just told him that those were the things that I expected from him.
Well he was sneaking the beer at first, and now he just flat out drinks in front of me. I went to get a soda from the fridge and found a six pack of beer. It made me so angry.
I know I can't make him stop drinking and I know if I tell him that we made a deal (no beer in the house), he will just start sneaking it again. So how do I ignore it and not let it bother me?
You're in the right place. Having "normal expectations" have never applied to my A. Setting some boundaries that you feel you can stick to will help. For instance, if you have trouble ignoring the beer drinking....when you see him drinking you could leave the house or room and go do something for yourself. You could remove yourself from the situation that bothers you. We can only change and control ourselves.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by newday on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 08:38:54 PM
That is hard. What a roller coaster ride that has been in my home. I am relieved to say that my A respects my wishes and I have not seen a beer in my home in the last 3 years. Not that he hasn't drank, but he hasn't at home. Except for the time I went out of town and he tore up that opportunity to kick back and drink a few with his buddies. yeah, right?? buddies!!!
It sucks that we are the ones who have to leave the situation when we don't like it. I hate leaving my home. I'd rather just move into the guest room than spend the night out. But when things got out of hand at home, I changed my home for a little while. And that was 3 years ago.
I am learning with the help of alanon how to heal me. Take care of you! Do what ever it takes to keep your spirit in tack. Keep your chin up.
Bottom line.... these things are either "big enough" for you to establish boundaries about, c/w consequences when he does not abide by these boundaries.... or they are "not big enough" to be tied into any expectations, reasonable or otherwise, on your part....
The choice is yours....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
FIRST.....If you make a boundary, you gotta think b4 you do it b/c if you dont' stand to it, your word will mean nothing...
You had the right to "expect" but remember you are dealing with an alkie....Yea, I had the right to expect my drunk, abusive parents to love and cherish and protect me, not half kill me.....however, my expectations were unrealistic...I had the RIGHT....But they were just not good people and how do I *expect* good from bad????
Soooo You got a choice......DETACH...Let him drink and fall on his butt, while you work your program, take care of you, just let him suffer his own consequences....you can only take care of YOU....step ONE.....You are powerless over other people, places, things, events....you can only take care of you....
Or just throw up your hands and when he drinks???? go into another room....get away from him...Disconnect......either way DETACHMENT......TURN it OVER.......Keep the focus on you......
I think, no matter what you do, hes gonna drink.....Its up to you whether or not you can stand living with it.....That is the sad part...These people wreck their lives and the lives of their loved ones...I wouldn't be so "hard on them" if it was only THEM that they hurt, but NO!!! They devestate their wives, children, parents, siblings......THAT is what I cannot deal with.....I married 2 of them....I didn't learn my lesson the first time...he was dry when I married him and didn't get drunk and show his colors for MONTHS after we married...Surprise!!!! Then I got married to another one who drank at night...worked..Was in navy and really did contribute, but was a drunk at night...He was sweet to me and that made it hard for me, but finally I told him.....LIVE and quit the booze or I leave b/c I do not want to watch you die.....He picked the freakin liquor over us and 13 years of marriage....That is how bad the disease is...They will give up their lives for the stuff....And alcoholism is progressive...It gets worse then they die if they don't get into a program...
I am now watching my friend and brother "die by the year" drinking his vodka and O.J.....so sad!!!!! He won't get help....I had to set a boundary on him....I will not take hiscalls when he is drinking....He STILL calls me "hammered" and I hang up....I stick to my boundaries...I have to...It is the only way I can stand him.....DETACHMENT.....Taking care of me.....Defending my needs for peace.....NOT being around an active alkie and I love him...Sober he is a gem!!!! Drinking, he is loud, obnoxious, stupid remarks.....I hang up on him.....I get away!!!! I can't stop him from drinking but I can damn sure stop him from being in my face with it......
I feel for ya...Its hell!!!! I would never never, pray to God, never marry another A or ANY substance abuser or cheater or abuser.....I'll stay alone first b4 I give up any more years of my life to that stinkin drinkin!!!!
Sorry, didn't mean to go off here, I just get so mad when I think of my very handsome, intelligent brother doing himself in like that...We used to be BEST friends...Inseparable....Now things have change....I have changed.....
Expectations - rules they mean nothing to this disease , period. An active alcoholic is only doing what alcoholics do = drink . Accept that and u will be fine . we have a choice we either live with it or we don't . It is possible to be happy living with someone who drinks , get the focus off him and on to you and your needs . Louise
I have the same problem I wrote about it here too. I try not to put my soda in the same frig. I move to a differant room when he is drinking. We have a small house but we have our computer in a differant room and he drinks, listens to his xxxx ass music and plays games in there. It has helped me alot to stay away from him. He right now drinks outside its been nice out there, we live in WI. He asks me to come out and have a glass of wine while hes drinks his beer. Yeah Like I have a glass once a month or less. I just tell him no I don't want to be around him with a beer in his hand. THE END . He probly thinks I'm a B**ch but it for my serenity.
-- Edited by peacewithin on Wednesday 20th of May 2009 02:08:31 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 21st of May 2009 01:34:21 PM
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
I was told early on in here that having an expectation of anyone, much less an alcoholic, is nothing more than a premeditated resentment.
Another thing was that an active alcoholic is gonna drink, what am I gonna do?
Trying to set boundaries on another person's actions is also pointless. We don't control another person...no matter how hard we try, no matter how bad we make the "punishment" if they don't do what we tell them to do by setting a boundary on them. When it comes to an alcoholic, we can be nice to them...they will drink...we can be mean to them...they will drink... we can ignore them completely...we can leave, we can stay...and if they want to, they will drink!
The boundaries have to be set on ourselves. What am I gonna do about things. How will I respond to someone else's actions? What can I do to learn to take the focus off somebody else and focus on my own happiness?
It's not easy. But one small step at a time we can do it, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Something that is helpful for me is to ask myself, "Where do I want to be next week, next month, next year, in 5 years"? If your answer is not living with someone who is unemployed sitting home drinking then write down what you want for your life, then decide what you are willing to do or not do to accomplish that goal. As others before me have posted, focus on where you want to be.
Merely a suggestion that helps me, not advice...journaling helps tremendously!
Personally I couldn't live with an active alcoholic, but that's me.
I no longer compromise my beliefs and values. I'm worth more than that.
I have come to this place too......NOT again....and I , too, NO MORE compromising my beliefs, values and my PEACE......Yea, I am worth way more than that.....This program has taught me that I am built out of God's love..In his image...I deserve all the good life can offer, however, I must treat me good and reach out for it....I am doing that........
Something that is helpful for me is to ask myself, "Where do I want to be next week, next month, next year, in 5 years"? As others before me have posted, focus on where you want to be. .journaling helps tremendously!
Peggy7
oooh I can relate to that...."where do I want to be???" Yea, good for my situation.....And yea, I write stuff out...post like heck on the boards...The boards are kinda like my journalizing too AND I get good ESH too....Writing out my feelings really helps and when feelings are under control. Then I can think "ok, what do I need to do to take care of ME.........
Once I realized something, so simple, I really got it... what we focus on grows. What we focus on grows. I used to sit there & focus on my A's & get more & more resentful & angry that they were wasting money, destroying themselves, abusing the family along the way. Here i was, focusing on them & feeding it & allowing it to grow by robbing me of my time, and energy that is getting more precious & hard to come by, for me. So I relinquished. I totally surrenderred, I stopped. I began to focus on *me* and ask each day, 'what can I do to help me today' and that was what I did. I set simple boundaries for myself, like if AH is drinking, I wont visit my mom. Then after a few months, I changed that boundary b/c I no longer needed it. I could be around my step-dad when he was getting plastered & it didnt phase me one bit. But that took time.
I set boundaries & got some self esteem back.
I used to be irritated by nearly everything in life. I learned to stop being constantly reacting. I was out of control & I wanted to learn to allow these stupid things to stop having power over me. I focused on me & felt the boring calm that it brought. I allowe other people's drinking & drugging go under the umbrella of none of my business & focused on me. I detached from their behavior, one day at a time. And I stopped giving any mental time or energy to their use anymore.
I wanted to be healthy & that is all I focused on.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I recall my friend Donna: "Pigeons do what pigeons do, if you sit under their tree, they'll xxxx on you." Expecting an alcholic not to drink is a set up for a resentment. I really recommend you get a sponsor and start working the steps. As long as you wait on him to get better for you to get better, I am concerned you will not feel good.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 21st of May 2009 01:34:44 PM
