I am sorry that you're hurting.

No Contact.

It isn't about him "walking away" or "getting to just...." It is about YOU and your serenity.

Are YOU going to be upset seeing him take his stuff? then DON'T be there. Don't do the dance. Do it differently this time.

I can't even hazzard a guess as to how much he enjoys your reactions to his actions. And that is all you are doing is reacting. You have to detatch and let go before you can act in your own best interests, and put the focus back where it belongs.

In the meantime, do something different. If you think you should be there when he comes to get his stuff (no matter how you justify it in your head) then don't be there. Do the oppisite of what you usually/think you should do. See what happens.

And I will lay money on this not being over for him. Especially when you do finally go no contact. That is when the hoover will begin and he will try to suck you back in. Right now, he can be the confident "moving on" guy because he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are still pining over him. And when he calls you jump. You tell him exactly how he hurts you and that he still effects you. He eats that up. It is ego food. When you are no longer that woman, he will starve and see how fast his indifference turns back to love and devotion....

Whatever to him and his "stuff" Start today taking care of yourself. Decide to say "ENOUGH" to the space he rents in your head.

I know for me I always wanted to make the ex A understand how he had hurt me.  I really believe now he lived, ate and slept denial.  If your ex is an A he is not in the business of being able to be empathic to anyone.  You have done a great job of working the program.  You got a sponsor.  I think that is really admirable.  I had to be here years before I did that.

I know for me I could always get into the "hooks" the A put out there.  I took years to see them and not act on them.   Obviously the My space page is a huge hook for you.  He is letting you know that he is somehow trying to get a reaction from you by updaing it as he does.  You can pick up the hook or you don't have to. Staying away from his page is excellent.  I stayed away from the ex A for a long long time. I also stayed away from his friends and the area I believed he was in.  That was very very very difficult for me to do and was an essential part of my detachment.

No one wants a relationship to end that they have invested in so deeply.  Unfortunately with someone who is out to hurt you ending is one way you can protect yourself and you are very much worth that.

Maresie.

(((((Shelly))))

Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly.
I can understand your hurt and pain and the desire to be present as he retreats from the life you two had together.
I think it helps to examine our motives for wanting to do things -- in this situation, what are your motives for wanting to be present when he gets his things. You are look to elicit a response out of him - one which you may or may not get.
I understand how you feel completely. I know for me personally, if I EXPECT to get a response out of someone and I don't get it, I become resentful. Plus my thinking dips straight down into unhealthy thinking territory and it takes alot to extract myself from that dark place.

You said: The same old feelings of dread, nausea and hurt resurfaced that I THOUGHT I had gotten past, and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again and I can't make it just stop!

I know these feelings very well. I am sure that we all do.
For me, I kept allowing myself to answer the phone, to be there when he picked things up and they all just seemed to make me hurt more. It took me awhile to understand that every reason I came up with to have contact was just an excuse - for me to hold on in the hopes that he would change. THat something in my words on the phone or in a letter or the expression on my face would be so jarring to him that he would have a drastic change of heart and begin to "see the light."

This was not reality and that was my disease. Believing I had that much power. I can't even begin to describe the lengths I went to try to show him how hurt I was.
The worst part about it was that all my efforts were truly in vain. What I was doing DID NOT WORK. Having him see me did nothing for him except gave him another opportunity to be cold and distant and unflinching to my pain and to make me feel that much more worthless and discarded.
He was too sick to even be aware of anything beyond having his addiction/alcoholism fed. After awhile I began to realize that exposing myself to him and hearing his words, seeing him was all very, very painful.
My emotions were so powerful and overwhelming and I felt so insane that I honestly thought I had to be committed. The only thing I could do was try NOT to be in contact with him because when he WAS, there was so much pain. I now believe this was some sort of primal instinct - a survival mechanism I used when I was in severe emotional distress and devestation. I was dealing with my exposure to him as a mathematical equation or scientific reaction where an element is exposed to a stimulus of sorts. When he was PRESENT or in direct contact with me - I was crazy. Plain and simple.
Eventually I found ways to rationalize contact with him and truthfully, it only made me more confused.

You're not alone.
Thank you for sharing Shelly!

QUOTE____"My initial response was to email him and tell him to come Thursday while I am at work, since he only works half days on Thursdays, but the more I think about it, the more a BIG part of me wants to be there when he comes.  I mean WHY should he get to walk away for the final time (which is what this is) without any reprocussions for what he has done?  How is that right that he doesn't even have to look in my face and see the hurt he has caused, see what his actions are responsible for?  He gets to just "swing" by grab his stuff and head back to his life without so much as a goodbye????"


I go with Serendipity and Kitty.....this guy won't get it....The only one who will be hurt is YOU and he will "get off" on your pain...He does not care!!!! End of case!!!  I hope you can care for YOU and  NO CONTACT.......TOTALLY "dog him out".....If you need to be there to make sure his stuff is all he takes, then do what you gotta do, but If I were in this spot, I would have his stuff outside....Let him pick it up....NO contact.....NO emails, NOTHING......the Best thing you could do for YOU is to LET IT GO......Let him GO!!!!!

Take care of YOU....YOU need to come first with YOU!!!!! I was married to 2  AH's and I learned that they don't care, so WHY react??? It does not produce anything good for me.....Walking away....Letting go......No reaction is the BEST action to take......

Just my take from 2 previous marriages with alcoholics.....and dealing or I should say detaching from 2 A brothers.....I just don't let them yank my chain.....I take care of me...work my program, go to the meets.....Last night I began re-working steps 1,2,3 because I am being bullied at work...I do not want to lose MY serenity to any more toxic people......I can take care of me...I cannot change another....If a person wants to dump me??? I let them go and I give NO reaction.....I won't give them the negativity they need to feel "power" over me....I take back my power by doing NADA!!!!