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I have been married for 18 years and we have a 10 year old child. I am almost 40 My husband is an alcoholic, and he says he wants to get help but he never does anything about it.
He was in rehab in 2000 and only stayed for 4 days (thats all insurance would cover). He does not go to AA because he said that all people do there is complain. So about a year ago I said ok then go to a psychiatrist and figure out why you drink. He went for about 6 mos then quit going he said" The doctor is an idiot".
I just don't know how much more I can take. I asked him why he drinks and he says he does not know. I ask him why he lies about his drinking his reply is "Why do you lie".
He drinks for days in a row then may quit for a day or 2 at most. Then will be drinking again.
I feel overwhelmed, I was thinking in a few weeks when school is out taking our child and moving in with my parents 30 miles away. Maybe that will make him open his eyes and know he needs to change. I just do not know what to do. Just the thought of getting a divorce and having to sell our house and everything is just too much.
Welcome! I know all of this can be so overwhelming, but you're not alone. If you can, try to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings in your area, they have helped me a lot. These meetings won't tell you how to get your husband to stop drinking, they will help you to take care of yourself (and that's the most important thing right now).
If you think you and your child could use a little break from his drinking, then I say GO FOR IT. It's great that you have family and support so close by.
Keep coming back here - hearing other people's stories and sharing your stories really helps a lot.
All my best to you and your child during this rough time.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place! I have been here since July of 08. I am married to an alcholic as well. We've been together 10 years. He was sober 1 year when I married him and stayed sober for 2 1/2 years after we were married. My husband too went to rehab for only 4 days and he used to answer all of my questions with a cocky question as well. Amazing how many Alcholics are so much alike. What's even more amazing is how the wives of alcholics are so much alike as well. I don't have all the answers but I can share some things with you that has helped me.
I can only handle one day at a time. Sometimes only 10 minutes at a time. What ever works for me, but I stay in TODAY ONLY. Thinking about what I am might do in 3 weeks for now is too much for me to think about. I try my best not to think about the what if's. Yes, the what if's are just too much to think about and it gets overwhelming. So what can I do about all of this????? I take care of me. I do what ever possible to keep myself in a happy place in my mind. It may be praying, a hot bath, a new plant or pair of shoes "hehe" or a walk outside alone. When things get overwhelming, i get active. And it normally turns my frown upside down.
Keep posting here, come to our oline meetings. Find a meeting in your area. What ever it takes.......work on you. You are worth it!
hi, the first step is to educate yourself as much as you can. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew threw me a lifeline of info.
He has a disease, he cannot just quit and change. Even if they want to,sometimes they cannot stop.
We can help by attending Al Anon. Learning that the best thing is to let go of his disease. It is totally up to him.
Going away will do nothing. His disease would probably see it as a time to get ahold of him even more!
When we try that sort of thing, it makes us sicker.Ultimatums make it worse.
Al Anon is the number one best thing for we that love an A.
It is no different than cancer or any other disease.
What we do is realize they are very very sick. Being an addict is not a choice,it is in our dna. Some have more of a problem than others. For instance if both parents have addiction in their families vs one parent has an a dad who has one A relative and mom has no addiction in her family backround.
Sure people can use drugs to abuse and not be an A. But they usually grow out of it. Get sick of it and quit. An A does not have that choice.
I learned loving A's and looking past the disease was a key.
We have to learn to accept them as is,set boundaries with consequences and decide if we can live with it.
Learning all I have in all these years, I recommend, not signing anything with him, have your own vehicle, own money account, name on your house. Because the chances of the disease getting so much worse are very high.
Even if they go into recovery, relapse is part of it.
LOTS to face. Keep coming back. We have lots of help to offer.
Hello and welcome , please find meetings for yourself . Your worth the effort . give our program a try for a few months and see how u feel then , and trust me leaving for a few months to teach him a lesson will back fire any time I tried to teach someone a lesson I was the one who learned the lesson . He drinks because he has a problem , it's that simple . this is a disease and it only gts worse never better . you need support from people who understand how u feel and will share thier own recovery with you . Absolutley nothing will change til Someone changes . Louise
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and the alcoholic, when questioned, is very good, as Sincerely said, at coming back at you with a cocky question in reply. This is their denial of the disease, and their protection of it.
Even if he is not ready to accept his disease, you can take the first steps to protect yourself and your child.
Find out all you can about alcoholism, there's lots of literature out there, try to find an Alanon face to face meeting if you can, don't be scared, you don't have to share if you feel you are not ready, but can just listen.....it's a wonderful source of support and understanding
Keep coming back here where you will find lots of Experience, Strength and Hope.
I wouldn't suggest you move to try to make him stop drinking. By all means move for yourself if you feel overwhelmed. Nothing but nothing seems to pry an alcoholic out of denial until they are ready. Ive been to AA meetings and can't say I heard that many complaints.
I know that for so many alcoholics they cannot imagine life without alcohol. I certainly could not imagine life without the ex A.
I was incredibly dependent on him and fixated on his problems rather than on my own issues. I can and do know how much alcohol can affect your life.
Your AH does not want to face the responsibility of what he is doing to himself - so he will use any excuse to avoid this -- calling the therapist an idiot to try to invalidate what he has said to him -- saying everyone in AA is a complainer. Those people have made the choice to face themselves & to change b/c for most of them they realize it is a matter of life or death. The only way to help the A get to recovery, is to get to recovery yourself & to focus on you. Why should your AH focus on him, when you are doing the work for him. I had no clue about how I was enabling my A's when I thought I was doing all I could to help them. They feed on us obsessing & worrying about them. Get to meetings, get literature & study the pamphlets, the books/daily readers are invaluable... learn to focus on YOU and learn to lovingly detach from your AH's behavior.
Know that you are not alone anymore, all of us here have been though similar struggles and pains as you. You can go to the chat room & take in a meeting or simply chat w/ ne wfriends whom you haven't met yet. Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think, too, he is making excuses/ justifications for NOT working the program.....If you really get into steps 1,2,3, you really see just how POWERLESS we are over ALL others....LOTS of events...LOTS of things, so when I see my A brother's makin excuses why they are not in a program, I just LET GO....Don't say anything....Work on me....Let them pull themselves up or fall down.....I will encourage them if they get into meets, but if they don't???? It is none of my business...
There are tons of excuses for me to not go to meets, but none of them are good enough for me to let ME down...So I GO!!! And I am always glad that I did....The ones who don't/ aren't ready to help themselves yet???? Only God can help them and even God will let them keep being hammered by the same lessons, until they get tired of the pain and reach out to HP and program.....LIFE is a CHOICE away!!!!
