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5 months out. I'm 5 months out from when I found my husband cheated and when it all came to a head he quit drinking. We've tremendous strides in our marriage. I've felt closer than I ever had in 10 years.
The trust is gone, reasonably so, and we're working toward re-building it. He is a dry drunk. Goes to AA when he remembers to, or feels like it. I'm hypersensitve now to alcohol. He was wasted when he slept with another woman.
So, I have boundaries in place to protect myself and kids (I'm sure you can imagine how embarrassing it is to get an STD test when you're married) One is no more alcohol. Some days it seems not an issue.
Today, it was. We are having discussion about how he "just can't stop" - I really can't do anything for him. I can't help him. I have only told him, if he drinks again, I can no longer be with him. He did the worst damage possible in a marriage, and I was at my lowest point of my life. I'm trying to re-build my own self esteem. It's NOT easy.
It's a self esteem buster, if I get all crazy because of a drinking husband. I know it's a disease, but I cannot go through the crazies again. I've gone through 10 years of it, with it ending in an affair.
In my mind, it hasn't completely ended (not the affair - that's ended but the "crazies" haven't) I'm in al-anon and trying very hard to work my program. My boundary is no alcohol because I need to preserve myself, and trust in my marriage, whatever little there is left.
I need help and opinions. I'm low right now because it's becoming an issue that is unresolved for him and I'm in fear. Fear for myself, and the work I'm doing in rebuilding my self esteem. Not only will his drinking crush that, but it will crush our marriage and I am feeling helpless, and wondering why I should stay at all.
I hope you STAY with the program and work on YOU!!!!
If he is not active in a program, he will slip again!! Trust me I went through (not the cheating, at least I don't think) but the "dry drunk" slipping....If he does not want to clean up his act there is nothing you can do...Nothing....But you CAN take care of you...
I strongly suggest you find a sponsor...Get all the books on 12 steps that you can and meets 5x per week in the beginning...I am still going to 3 meets a week and I have been in recovery 5 plus years.......I did it....It sounds industrial strength, but YOU are WORTH it.....
I cannot comment on the cheating thing...If they do it once, usually it repeats....It would be a deal breaker for me, but that is only my take...If I cannot trust??? I am gone...I call it the 3 A's....Abuse...Adultery....Alcoholism w/out being in a recovery program.....I just can't do it again.....I deserve better....AND with the sexually transmitted diseases , no way...My A brother, the youngest one, had a SWEET gal friend..We hoped that he would clean up his act and hook up with her...he went and got drunk...Bedded a skank and got herpes and touched his eye so he has it in his eye as well....His g.f. found out and dumped him...that was it for her....He still is not in recovery...My favorite brother at least has sense enough to be "careful" and hes not married...Not attached to anyone...AND not in recovery either....I love them both, but I put a "shelf life" on how much I talk with them...Their disease thinking gets to me and I have to say "gotta go...talk with ya later"...and I DETACH.....
You gotta do whats best for you..I am sooo sorry this is happening to you....There is hope in this program, but YOU have to work it as suggested by the program.....
Prayers for you and this situation....The only thing you can do is turn him over to God and DETACH...Take care of you and let him on his own.....
Steps 1,2,3, illustrate that we can only take care of ourselves...I did extensive work on the first 3 steps b4 I moved forward..They are the foundation of the program...
Good luck....Please take what you can use and leave the rest....Rosie
First, know that you are not alone. Many of us have been exactly where you are now. In my case, there was infidelity and physical abuse when my AH was active. As I became stronger and more grounded in my own recovery through Al-Anon, I had to tell my AH that if he drinks again, that we are done. It was not a threat. It was not manipulation. It was based on self-preservation. That, and my acceptance of the fact that I am powerless over my AH--the First Step is essential to recovery!!
My AH may drink again. He may cheat again. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to prevent it or to control his behavior. All I can do is set a boundary and then stick to it. As a result, most days, I don't live my life in fear of him drinking or cheating. I already know what will happen if he does. It is out of my hands. That doesn't mean that I am not triggered by the past. I am. But, I can tell you that 4 years out, it does not happen much and the pain is no longer that raw, gripping thing in your stomach. Time really does help. I have not forgotten and I no longer live in denial as I did before, but I am no longer an open wound. You are still a newbie--give yourself some time to heal!!
Rebuilding the trust is also out of my hands. He has to take steps to accomplish that goal. Sometimes, I get frustrated that he doesn't seem to put as much energy into it as I would like...but then again, I have to remember to ask for what I want and what I need. That is a hard thing to do after years of catering to someone else's wants and needs at the expense of my own.
My heart goes out to you. This stuff is hard, even with my AH working a program and finally going to IC in addition to his 12-step recovery program. If he were a dry drunk (as he was during the first 9 months of his sobriety), I don't know if I could do it. All I can tell you is to keep the focus on YOU. What do YOU need? What do YOU want? What are YOU willing to live with or to live without?? Once you have figured that out, you will know what to do. Please be patient with yourself. Recovery takes time and you have to work through the Steps. But it is worth it!!
Hang in there!! There is a solution and it does get better, whether the A is still drinking or not!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
You are doing the right thing by talking out how you are feeling. Fear is the one of the primary symptoms of our disease. Fear they will drink, fear something bad will happen, fear, fear, fear...it robs us.
As the others have said, put the focus on you and your program and put your faith in your higher power. You are exactly where you need to be today. Whether the alcholic drinks or not is not the issue. Detach with love from his issues and find the serentiy you need by working the program - keep doing the next right thing. You'll be amazed at how good you will start to feel and the answers will come to you. You and your HP are going to ok. Hang in there. Hugs & Blessings, Twinkie
I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. I agree with the others; I am glad you set your boundries and you need to stick to them. You need to take care of yourself and not let this drag you down.
Please find an al-anon program and attend as many meetings as possible.
My first husband had an affair when I was pregnant with our second daughter. I too went for a STD test. I know where you are coming from there. My first husband was not an alcholic; just verbally and physically abusive. And I should not say "just" in that statement, because it is a big deal. My husband that I am happily married to, is not an alcholic, not abusive in anyway.
I do not know where my AD picked up the "genes" for alcholism. But remember to set your boundries and stick to them
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Happiness is an inside job. Finding happiness within yourself and your own goals, challenges, dreams, etc, is part of the path leading to serenity. You are in control of only you. Why rent space in your head to what your hubby will/will not, can/cannot, should/should not do?
From your message, you state your are in fear... fearful people do not have healthy relationships - so you may have somewhere else to concentrate on OTHER than your husband. My experience keeps finding that the real fear is that it is me that needs to change. That is hard to swallow; yet, with my ego and righteousness behind me, I finally found how to take steps forward toward a better existance.
Maybe you are embarrassed and depressed about marrying an alcoholic... getting a STD check... having been cheated on... but none of those are really yours to feel bad about??!! They are just facts of life... I've had all 3 of those, too, yet working the program and going to LOTS of face to face meetings, I began to focus on the things that are within my control. I could put my victimization away, and focus on changing the dysfunctional attributes I have gained over my lifetime.
It always begins with me.
I'm sorry you are hurting and holding on to the blues... I've been there... I think just about all of us here have been where you are and agree that it, well, sucks. And although you are feeling crappy and depressed and low, I promise that if you stick with the program, you will find that it is not an end, but rather a great beginning.
Happiness is an inside job.
With love,
CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
So many here have been where you are and many are still there. It's a brutal disease. Let go of it...work on you...let God work on him.
If I set a certain boundary...I ask myself..."am I ready when this happens to stick to my boundary?" Your fear of him drinking...ends up being really the fear of having to stick to the boundary. If you aren't ready for that...it's OK to change your boundary...it's about YOU!
Maybe set the boundary as ....if he drinks- I will not let it affect me or my family. Detach from his drinking. You can decide whatever is best for you. It's the beauty of focusing on you. No matter what the A does...your life is in your hands.
Remember...we're not perfect. Go easy on yourself...whatever you decide.
I'm ACoA (adult child of addict/alcoholic) & I lived in fear & guilt. Everything I did was in recation to those feelings. The way I overcame fear was to stop looking into the future & expecting the worst. I had to stop looking to the future at all. It is an illusion, it doesnt exist. What is real is this present moment & today. What can I do to help *me* today? Another reinforcing & postivie thing about right now, is it empowered me, it enabled me to take action on my behalf & of my own initiative. Instead of being overwhelmed, I could actually tackle a few things today. I quit seeing the mountain but focused on the pebbles of what I could do a little at a time.
I have struggled with self-esteem too. Once I began to set & follow through on boundaries, self-esteem began to come back. It took me to 36 to see that it came from me & was not contingent upon anything that others were doing. I could choose to take action on my own behalf, for me, for my self preservation. It was about what I needed & wanted.
Fearing that your AH may drink again, is useless. It is very likely it will happen. A's have slips (so do we) and that is how we learn what we do/don't want. It's part of the learning curve. However a dry drunk is another animal altogether. It is said they cannot achieve sobriety on their own, they need support & understanding of those that have been there. As long as you are what iffing and projecting your fears into the future ~ you cannot be living today. All fear does is take you away from this present moment & what you can actively do to help you right now/today.
I had to learn to stop focusing on what other people were or were not doing. I was basing my decisions around them. I decided to one day, have my own life. Looking at them, only kept me a slave to my fears. If I focus on me & today, I feel empowered. I have choices & am no longer a victim. Detach from him & focus on YOU. You are worth your own good love, time & energy, so spend it on someone who will be grateful for all your own hard work ~ YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
So many awesome things written above me. EVERY MORNING I check this board for inspiration and I get sucked in for a few hours, reading posts and getting my morning fill.
The infidelity and the betrayal of trust are HUGE issues. There is a space of sheer panic where I am fearful and my fear completely consumes me. I am at a similiar spot to you -- all I have to do is accept where I am. My sponsor always used to tell me - I don't have to LIKE it (it being ANYTHING I am accepting -- where I am at, another person and their actions or decisions - etc.) but I DO have to accept it. I used to confuse acceptance with complacency. That accepting something meant I didn't need to do anything else - I could ignore it. But today, and honestly alot more since visiting this forum - I understand that acceptance does not mitigate my responsibility to myself to do MY PART and take action that is in MY best interest.
Boundaries are so hard/scary for me. I KNOW that it is pointless - even harmful - to set a boundary that I am not willing to follow through with. I can threaten to leave until the cows come home - if he beings using/drinking again but IF it happens and I don't follow through, I lose credibility and am telling the other person that I don't really mean what I say. In the past I've also made the mistake of erecting boundaries that were really NOT boundaries. They were just covert attempts at control. I thought by threatening, I could bring about the change in the other person that I wanted. Today, I know that boundaries are for ME. THey are there to protect me and this takes alot of examining of my motives and what my primary goals are in erecting a certain boundary. Even now, stating a boundary will always be easier than upholding it and following through on it. So glad you are here!!
I'm not doing well at detachment. I want to detach and feel better when I do, but when my H's decisions affect me and my children, that's where I'm finding a grey area in detachment.
I guess this IS a boundary for me because I've gone through 10 years of what I consider emotional abuse and of course my term the "crazies" where my H had a wonderful way to blameshift every situation in the world making me nuts. Even the affair he somehow turned on me like I was having one. There was one point during an aguement he tried to blame me for "his actions" of having the affair. HAAAAAA...the old broken battered me would have fed right into it, but the new me knows it has NOTHING to do with me. I'm not saying his actions don't affect me, but I did NOT cause him to have an affair and look outside our marriage to avoid his feelings.
I do trigger. I do have emotional reactions to situations because I've learned this for 10 years and unlearning it it very hard. This isn't a threat. If he drinks, I'll leave. I don't care what it costs me. I've seen the bottom and now am working to find the top. I can't do that if his actions are dragging the children and I down. He's not a bad person. He has a problem. He's made horrible decisions and is trying to salvage our marriage which is better than it has ever been, but I PERSONALLY cannot go back to that place of broken trust with drinking.
I'm struggling because he's looking for help and I feel torn because I don't want to give it. I can't tell him HOW to find non-drinking friends. I barely know myself. I do know my F2F al-anon meetings have helped tremendously.
I llike what runner chick says here "I used to confuse acceptance with complacency. That accepting something meant I didn't need to do anything else - I could ignore it. But today, and honestly alot more since visiting this forum - I understand that acceptance does not mitigate my responsibility to myself to do MY PART and take action that is in MY best interest.
Boundaries are so hard/scary for me. I KNOW that it is pointless - even harmful - to set a boundary that I am not willing to follow through with. I can threaten to leave until the cows come home - if he beings using/drinking again but IF it happens and I don't follow through, I lose credibility and am telling the other person that I don't really mean what I say."
Rosie take___ Acceptance to me is getting out of denial and ACCEPTING...."THIS is the facts....THIS is where I am at...THIS is what he is doing".....NOT in denial about it anymore, but ACCEPTANCE...IT is the catalyst to CHANGING ME!!! Acceptance does not mean I agree with or condone another's action...i am just accepting that this is what He is doing...This is where are at now and I can ONLY change me....
HOWEVER--- boundaries are a serious issue, and i concur.....Stick to them or do not set them...When I set a boundary I am VERY sure I am gonna stick to it , otherwise, My word means nothing and folks will step over me each time...
case in point....When I first got this job, I had the previous pub. acct. looking over my shoulder....Ok, first 2 times I needed her to 'show me around" and , yea, help me orientate....After that???? she was still comin around to "over see" my work??? I went to the sons and said "you guys are paying TWO people to do the SAME job and to me?? that is a waste...I do not need her...So here is the deal...I will not be in on *her days*...You do what you want wiht her, but I am not coming in on *her days*...Its a waste..She is under foot and I have to spend time correcting her mistakes"...
He looked at me and said "ok..she is coming in on Wed...You want only 2 days--Tues and Fri, so I'll let her come Wed"...
I also then told him that if he thought I needed a babysitter, maybe this job was not a fit...Maybe he needed to find one he could trust, and I began getting my resume out and began to "take care of me"....the old gal was a nuisence..demeaning to me...screwed up stuff..sloppy work and I TOLD the sons that....SHOWED them the stuff I had to fix....
Next thing I know, she is GONE!!!!! So I guess my setting the boundary and showing the willingness to step aside and let her have the joint and I would move on, made them think!!! "hey wait..Rosie is gonna bail if ruth is still hangin around...I guess we need to keep the better accountant and let ruth go"....That is what I got from the older son who is in "my corner".....
I told them honestly they were wastin their money and even tho that was their choice, it was MY choice to take care of me and go where I can do the best effort w/o having someone come behind me and screw my stuff up.....
Anyway, I accepted the facts....I set the boundary....I was prepared to back up my boundary....I did not have to....They know I am good at my word and did NOT want to test that....
We've tremendous strides in our marriage. I've felt closer than I ever had in 10 years.
