The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex-Abf (together 7years) has been trying to rekindle our relationship after I threw him out 2 years ago. Since then he's been seeing a woman who enables/participates in his addictions.
Over the past few weeks I have fallen weak to his pleas. Believing he was staying away from "her" while we were giving things a chance.
I created boundaries....saying "no" to sleep-overs or anything that would include my teenage kids....no need for them to be around this...he's not in recovery.
When he realized that he wasn't going to have it easy with me...he started to hang with her again. I confronted him...he admitted that he is worried if he dumps her and then I'll dump him for all the same reasons I have before...ie drinking, drug use...he'll end up alone.
So I asked him not to call me again. I would be moving on with my life.
The calls started....pleas...begging..."I love yous"....texts...messages...blah blah blah
I wrote him this:
Got your messages. It doesn't really matter how you feel about me. You are with someone else. If she is willing to be your doormat and let her kids watch you drink yourself to death...great. If you ever want to make your life better...meaning saying goodbye to your bars and clubs...and leading a healthy lifestyle...give me a call.
Just like most on here....I love my ex-Abf so much. He is a charismatic, beautiful, loving man...when he's not blasted. But he starts drinking, if not at work...as soon as he wakes up...and will sit at a bar...then go to the next one....and finish at our stupid small town "club"...every day...EVERY DAY!
I am successful...have 2 amazingly happy teenagers...and at 43...starting to think of my future alone. That's not what I want. I want a healthy, equally motivated man to share my future with.
I have left this up to HP... daily journaling my gratitude for the strength to maintain my boundaries and detachment, despite lonliness.
Since January, I've lost 28 pounds...which I gained during the chaos of the relationship. I'm working out...traveling...experiencing happiness.
But I'd be a liar on here if I didn't say that every freaking day I pray my A finds his bottom and finds his way back to me.
Thank you for sharing this - it so very honest and helpful to me. I, too, want someone motivated to do what it takes to cultivate their highest good as an individual. Motivation is something I never considered sexy, but as I get older, seem to feel that it is essential in attraction. Someone who has a life of denial and addiction and disease, while I can still be in LOVE with THAT person, presents a lifestyle that I simply don't want in my life. It sounds as though you have walked through many emotions and taken a stand for YOU.
I spent so much o fmy life wishing for other people & wishing they would be different or somehow my life was different. All it did was emotionally hurt & continually drain me & my precious energy. Let the future go ~ give it to hp & detach from what it will bring. Focus on & enjoy the Now. You gave Ab/f or exAb/f a boundary, now you have to stick to it.
Eventually a lot of things could & may happen. I know for me, anytime I am not looking for a relationship is when I find one. Focus on YOu & be grateful for what you can TODAY. Be that person that you would want in a mate.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Please try and keep in mind that love has nothing to do with it. My husband was and alcoholic addict I can tell you that he loved me very much. There came a point where we just couldn't live together anymore. I just could not bare watching him kill himself.
He just could not stay clean, unfortunately some just can't.
Its a waste of time doing anything with him but TURN IT OVER!!! And DROP it off on God's more capable feet
Love is not enough...One has to put effort into the relationship, i.e., NO substance abuse, respecting themselves so they can *share* themselves in a healthy way with others...
You are right to get on with your life..This guy is hopeless unless he gets into recovery and is there for several years.......Look how long it has taken US to get balanced....We didn't do it other than surrendering to HP and hard work....
I would just DETACH and put a "timer" on how long I let myself think of the guy...It is a waste and causes pain....I would work hard on me...Keep focus on me and move on!!
Sounds to me like you are working your program well...
Totally right there with Kitty and Andrea- I, too, spent so much of my life wishing people could change- NO MORE! Life is TOO SHORT! and yes, some cannot get clean and don't and that is just the truth of the matter- its a disease, afterall.
And Rosie is right on that its time to toss it all into HP's capable hands/lap- its gonna take some supernatural work to a.) help you get your mind off of him and b.) get your ex bf to turn his life around- all things best left to HP.
I made a decision that it has nothing to do with love, its got everything to do with lifestyle, just like Andrea says. Compatibility!!! What a concept!! LOL!!
The only one I have control over is myself. hugs, J.
I wished for the exA to hit bottom. He did on so many levels. Nothing but nothing got him sober.
I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Personally I no longer comment to any active alcoholic about their addicton. They are in denial and I can't break it. To think otherwise is crazy making for me. I can exist on that malignant hope for ever and put my entire life on hold. Congratulations on the weight loss that is a formidable amount. I am 7 lbs in and working on it daily.
What worked best for me was the Al-Anon Family Groups. Meetings, literature, suggestions, sponsorship; all of what works. Amazing how much I held the alcoholic responsible for and never saw my participation. I was told and came to believe that if I didn't clean up my act all I had to do was change the name and the next relationship would still be another dysfunctional partner and most likely an addicted one. Go figure you'd think after 3 different names I'd wake up.
I do most of my working out with the program today and most of the fellowship love me for who I am and not how I look which vary in opinion and usually by what kind of day others are having or me for that matter.
I have been reading this page for some time, I'm very grateful for Al Anon and my program. I'm very encouraged from what is written here, I have a hard time detaching. I have not masterd it yet I've gotten better and thanks to my HP things are bound to improve as long as I work my program. Yes this sounds good and right now I must say I'm ( POed). Not ready to write it here, but just wanted to say thank you for giving Strength and Hope.
